skippingstone Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 I've been dating my boyfriend for 1 year now but im feeling really unhappy about us. i know he was sweet and caring to his ex-girlfriend of 3 years who broke his heart. One mutual friend told me he used to write her songs and poems, send her songs that expressed how much he loved her, tell her how lucky he was to have her and that he wanted to marry her, admired her and just seemed so genuinely in love. he has never ever done any of these things with me and it breaks my heart. he has never even told me how he feels about me, or that he loves me. When i try to get him to open up or talk about his feelings he changes the subject or jokes around with me. Another problem i have is with how little i see of him. He tells me he is a naturally independent sort of guy who doesnt believe in spending every waking moment with a girlfriend. This means i see him only once a week, twice if im lucky. he always seems to be busy or have a good excuse eg. sport, study, dinner with parents, going drinking with friends (something i dont go to with him as i dont have a way home at night). when i do see him its only ever for 3 hrs max. i dont want to be clingy but i feel like he doesnt care. it feels like he would never give up anything to see me, or go out of his way to see me. he says hes just a practical guy and it doesnt mean that he doesnt care. It just feels like i care about him so much more- im ALWAYS willing to go out for dinner or see a movie or something but he never his. we just feel so separate. I used to spend one day of the weekend with my ex, and now im just watching my friends and sisters spend their weekends with their boyfriends as i never see mine on the weekend. i feel like if he really liked/loved me he would be willing to give up things. i told him once that if a guy actually liked a girl they would go out of their way for her but he told me im just being silly and naive about relationships. Hes also never affectionate or romantic. he will never hold my hand, hug or even touch me affectionately (eg. guide my back) in public. he ony gives me a quick peck goodbye when we part ways. I know he is uncomfortable with PDA but to me it feels so cold. We have also never been on a romantic date, he just seems to have no clue when it comes to (really basic!!) romance but then i cant justify that because its not like im his first girlfriend. When i talk to him/ confront him about these two issues he tells me its because we expect different things from each other and that he shows how he cares in a different way. I always end up comparing him to my ex boyfriend who always hung out with me, was affectionate and seemed to care so much more then my current boyfriend. on the flipside my boyfriend does calls me many times a day. When i talk to him he seems genuinely happy to talk to me and her my voice. When i have problems he listens to me and i know hes a decent and loyal guy who wouldnt cheat on me. am i being unfair on him or is it time to leave him? Does this guy actually care about me?
sagetalk Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 One mutual friend told me he used to write her songs and poems, send her songs that expressed how much he loved her, tell her how lucky he was to have her and that he wanted to marry her, admired her and just seemed so genuinely in love. He did that stuff and found out it doesn't work, no shock that he isn't doing it with you. You may say that it would work on you, but I'm not sure that is true. Men live in a darned if you do, darned if you don't dating world. If he jumped your bones on the next date would that prove that he loves you more? I certainly hope you wouldn't answer that with a yes.
starynight Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 I've been dating my boyfriend for 1 year now but im feeling really unhappy about us. i know he was sweet and caring to his ex-girlfriend of 3 years who broke his heart. One mutual friend told me he used to write her songs and poems, send her songs that expressed how much he loved her, tell her how lucky he was to have her and that he wanted to marry her, admired her and just seemed so genuinely in love. he has never ever done any of these things with me and it breaks my heart. he has never even told me how he feels about me, or that he loves me. When i try to get him to open up or talk about his feelings he changes the subject or jokes around with me. Another problem i have is with how little i see of him. He tells me he is a naturally independent sort of guy who doesnt believe in spending every waking moment with a girlfriend. This means i see him only once a week, twice if im lucky. he always seems to be busy or have a good excuse eg. sport, study, dinner with parents, going drinking with friends (something i dont go to with him as i dont have a way home at night). when i do see him its only ever for 3 hrs max. i dont want to be clingy but i feel like he doesnt care. it feels like he would never give up anything to see me, or go out of his way to see me. he says hes just a practical guy and it doesnt mean that he doesnt care. It just feels like i care about him so much more- im ALWAYS willing to go out for dinner or see a movie or something but he never his. we just feel so separate. I used to spend one day of the weekend with my ex, and now im just watching my friends and sisters spend their weekends with their boyfriends as i never see mine on the weekend. i feel like if he really liked/loved me he would be willing to give up things. i told him once that if a guy actually liked a girl they would go out of their way for her but he told me im just being silly and naive about relationships. Hes also never affectionate or romantic. he will never hold my hand, hug or even touch me affectionately (eg. guide my back) in public. he ony gives me a quick peck goodbye when we part ways. I know he is uncomfortable with PDA but to me it feels so cold. We have also never been on a romantic date, he just seems to have no clue when it comes to (really basic!!) romance but then i cant justify that because its not like im his first girlfriend. When i talk to him/ confront him about these two issues he tells me its because we expect different things from each other and that he shows how he cares in a different way. I always end up comparing him to my ex boyfriend who always hung out with me, was affectionate and seemed to care so much more then my current boyfriend. on the flipside my boyfriend does calls me many times a day. When i talk to him he seems genuinely happy to talk to me and her my voice. When i have problems he listens to me and i know hes a decent and loyal guy who wouldnt cheat on me. am i being unfair on him or is it time to leave him? Does this guy actually care about me? I don't think that there is ever a right or wrong answer when it comes to your feelings. What I am haering you say is that you don'r feel loved and cared for. That means that you don't feel loved or cared for. It almost doesn't matter whether he really does care is just a jerk. The point is, is it enough to make you happy? No relationship should be service to one person. You aren't saving him or making his life better. That is not your job. The hard part is asking yourself those tough questions. Like, what am I getting out of this relationship. Can I imagine marrying this person and if so, do I picture being happy or just stuck. Strong feelings for another are hard to shake sometimes, but it is worth the difficulty if you end up in a relationship that makes you happy to be alive! Your relationship should make you feel like a lottery winner!
ladyinlimbo Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Actions speak louder than words. Big deal that he calls you several times a day. What matters is how he makes you feel overall. From the sounds of it, you don't feel special or loved or really cared for. You know he was capable of being affectionate and romantic and sweet and thoughtful in the past with someone else but he's making no effort to SHOW YOU any of this. The longer you remain with someone who doesn't make you feel loved and special, the more you will find your self-esteem eroding and the more you will feel insecure and needing to second-guess yourself. That is no way to live. That is not what real love is about. You can't ignore how he makes you feel. If you're with the right person, you should feel good and happy and secure with the relationship. And if someone truly cares about you, it should be natural that they show you affection. That's not too much to ask for. And after the length of time you 2 have been together, if he can't even tell you that he loves you, what does that say? That's no reflection on you that he can't say it............likely his own issues...........but why would you really want to remain with someone who makes you feel so insecure and sad? Sounds to me like he sees you as a good friend and nothing more. Maybe he doesn't want to let you go because of the fear of the unknown, and some guys don't want to have to start all over trying to find someone else...... aren't you worth more than this? You ARE! Don't settle for being someone's option; you deserve to be their priority.
eerie_reverie Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 How old are both of you? I am guessing you are in college. I would not stay. From the way you have described it, that barely qualifies as a relationship in my book. More like you're dating at the same level of frequency/ intensity as the first couple casual dates. I would start to question if this will ever go anywhere.
milkmaterial Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 skipping there are so many guys out there who deserve your lvoe and affection, i really know how you feel i have been in that situation. i waited it out, thinking if i did this, if i did that, if i stay longer, maybe he will love me more than the ex..even i didnt have a "friend" of his telling me stuff, he told me himself - about how much he did a lot of things for his ex but she cheated on him. i dont know the real story but the thing is it seemed like he gave a lot and everything for her there was nothing left for me. my advice is, dont let yourself stay in being sad for too long, you might get used to it.
Pasttense Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 What you should do is start dating other people in addition to him. (Tell him this, don't do it behind his back). He may change his behavior, or you may meet someone else more desirable.
Author skippingstone Posted May 15, 2011 Author Posted May 15, 2011 yes we're both in college, both 22 years old. thank you guys all so much. its really good to hear advice from others and others who have been in a similar situation. I think deep down i know its not working, its just so hard to let go. i just keep hoping that things will change and he will change but i know it wont happen.
D-Lish Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 Sounds like he is keeping you at arms length- hence the willingness to connect more on the phone but not in person. It also sounds like his first love broke his heart- and he hasn't reconciled with how to go down that same road again. Something you need to learn now is that accepting less than what you wan,- or compromising your needs in favour of his, while you watch the world go by, does not make for a good relationship. You started out your story by saying you weren't happy- you have to acknowledge that feeling on a more critical level.
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