jeweleestar Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Just need to get some things out, kick a kick in the pants, find some way to feel better. The past few days have been pretty crazy and I am trying to find a way to balance what feels like a scale that is about to just tip. Between work, school, and just everyday life pressures I feel so alone and sad. I catch myself trying to justify why I want to get in touch with xmm, but I know that will only lead to new hurt. I find myself trying to imagine what he is doing, since I know from our time together some of the the things he is probably doing with his family right now. None of this is productive, and I know that I was due a bad day. I have been working so hard to think about ME, and what I need, and what I want. I am strong enough to not contact him, but that doesn't stop the hurt that I feel right now. So I am doing the one of the only things that I know to do at this point. I have my running shoes on and I am headed out to run until I don't, or can't think of him. I guess it is one of those days where if I can't feel good, I can do something to make myself look good. Just having a pity party, hate that I still have to think og him and how I hurt. Wanting him to hurt, wanting him to have his world come crashing down, wanting him to be honest. I just want to feel ike I wasn't stupid and went barreling through alll the red flags I saw. Ok... got it out of my system, I am stepping away from the ledge, and am going back to taking care of me. Just needed to get some things out. Enjoy the weekend. Hopefully I won't have noodle legs too much after this run. :-)
myname Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Just need to get some things out, kick a kick in the pants, find some way to feel better. The past few days have been pretty crazy and I am trying to find a way to balance what feels like a scale that is about to just tip. Between work, school, and just everyday life pressures I feel so alone and sad. I catch myself trying to justify why I want to get in touch with xmm, but I know that will only lead to new hurt. I find myself trying to imagine what he is doing, since I know from our time together some of the the things he is probably doing with his family right now. None of this is productive, and I know that I was due a bad day. I have been working so hard to think about ME, and what I need, and what I want. I am strong enough to not contact him, but that doesn't stop the hurt that I feel right now. So I am doing the one of the only things that I know to do at this point. I have my running shoes on and I am headed out to run until I don't, or can't think of him. I guess it is one of those days where if I can't feel good, I can do something to make myself look good. Just having a pity party, hate that I still have to think og him and how I hurt. Wanting him to hurt, wanting him to have his world come crashing down, wanting him to be honest. I just want to feel ike I wasn't stupid and went barreling through alll the red flags I saw. Ok... got it out of my system, I am stepping away from the ledge, and am going back to taking care of me. Just needed to get some things out. Enjoy the weekend. Hopefully I won't have noodle legs too much after this run. :-) It's one of those days for me too, same as you, I know I won't contact him, but still hurt by it all, and unable to stop thinking about it. Have a good run, hope you get it out of your system somewhat.
BB07 Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Sending you a hug js and letting you know that I care and you've been heard and yes I remember those feelings. They will pass.........I promise.
MLC64 Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Just need to get some things out, kick a kick in the pants, find some way to feel better. The past few days have been pretty crazy and I am trying to find a way to balance what feels like a scale that is about to just tip. Between work, school, and just everyday life pressures I feel so alone and sad. I catch myself trying to justify why I want to get in touch with xmm, but I know that will only lead to new hurt. I find myself trying to imagine what he is doing, since I know from our time together some of the the things he is probably doing with his family right now. None of this is productive, and I know that I was due a bad day. I have been working so hard to think about ME, and what I need, and what I want. I am strong enough to not contact him, but that doesn't stop the hurt that I feel right now. So I am doing the one of the only things that I know to do at this point. I have my running shoes on and I am headed out to run until I don't, or can't think of him. I guess it is one of those days where if I can't feel good, I can do something to make myself look good. Just having a pity party, hate that I still have to think og him and how I hurt. Wanting him to hurt, wanting him to have his world come crashing down, wanting him to be honest. I just want to feel ike I wasn't stupid and went barreling through alll the red flags I saw. Ok... got it out of my system, I am stepping away from the ledge, and am going back to taking care of me. Just needed to get some things out. Enjoy the weekend. Hopefully I won't have noodle legs too much after this run. :-) Hey, just wanted to say...I pointed out in bold the things that you wrote I can relate to. I am having one of those days also....and am doing the exact same thing. I am going to go for a run....(have a 12 k race tomorrow) and a bike ride....(have a triathlon soon) so have more than enough to do physically to keep my mind off him. I wish you the best day and also to all those struggling with NC....it isn't easy but it can be done. Enjoy the day and the time taking care of YOU!!!
fascinated Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 I think it's wonderful that you can exercise to relieve stress, a very positive action. Me, I'm just eating a bunch of cheesy poofs, not so good.
Author jeweleestar Posted May 14, 2011 Author Posted May 14, 2011 Thanks everyone! The run did me good, it was a beautiful morning and there are so many things to be thankful for. I still am sad, but I don't feel the ache that I woke up with. I know that this is just part of all of this mess. I keep wanting to feel whole again, but I want that to happen now.... not once I am done with the healing process. I have printed out what I wrote this morning... I want to remember these moments when I get that urge to try and reach out, try to take 8 million steps backwards, try to slap a bandaid on the hurt by thinking that he did think I was important. So... breathe in..... breathe out.... make it through today, acknowledge that it is OK for me to feel this way, and wake up tomorrow thankful that there are so many good things waiting for me out there. Those of you feeling the same way, HUGS to you! Together we can all get through this mess!
Gentlegirl Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 During the week I have people around all day with my work. At weekends, I have nobody most of the time. THAT is the worst. I think I am more lonely than lonely for him. I try to get out and do something... walking, shopping, movie. something to take my mindoff being alone in the house. Gentlegirl
myname Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 During the week I have people around all day with my work. At weekends, I have nobody most of the time. THAT is the worst. I think I am more lonely than lonely for him. I try to get out and do something... walking, shopping, movie. something to take my mindoff being alone in the house. Gentlegirl Hi GG I know how you feel, it's the same for me. Lonely weekends. Hope you're ok. xx
Author jeweleestar Posted May 15, 2011 Author Posted May 15, 2011 During the week I have people around all day with my work. At weekends, I have nobody most of the time. THAT is the worst. I think I am more lonely than lonely for him. I try to get out and do something... walking, shopping, movie. something to take my mindoff being alone in the house. Gentlegirl I think no truer words are said. I don't think I really miss him, and the BS that seemed to always be a part, as much as I miss the comany and having those moments with someone. And isn't that one of the things that most of us are looking for?
fascinated Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 I'm surrounded by people 24/7 and yet I feel lonely. I think it's that lonely feeling that makes us so vulnerable to an A where we feel a false sense of connection.
Author jeweleestar Posted May 15, 2011 Author Posted May 15, 2011 I'm surrounded by people 24/7 and yet I feel lonely. I think it's that lonely feeling that makes us so vulnerable to an A where we feel a false sense of connection. I get what you mean. I have found myself in a string of bad relationships, and I am now trying to determine why my "picker" is broken and I find myself in nonproductive relationships. This is the first time that I was involved with a MM, and for some reason, at times, the hurt feels like I am back in my early years of dating... Days I thought I left behind many years ago. We'll make it through, we will be better people, we will make better decisions... hopefully sooner better than later.
Rooke Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 The most important thing is to stop beating yourself up. Feeling stupid and regretful can't change things now, you're already paying for your mistake aren't you? The only thing you can do is see this as a positive thing, because you've learnt a valuable lesson. Feelings are only the way your chemicals are balanced in your brain and things you attach meaning to, do some research online and see if you can learn some tips to reprogramme your brain to detach from memories and sadness, to attach a different meaning to the experience and a more positive one. It won't happen overnight but if you commit to it and practice, you will see changes, and the more you do it, the further away those feelings will seem.
Author jeweleestar Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 Thanks Rooke. I think I only tend to beat myself up when I am holding a massive pity party for myself. For some reason, this weekend felt like a huge pity partypalooza going on. I am feeling better, stonger, and positive that I made the right decision to go NC, just needed to wallow in my misery a bit, I guess. I knew that I would have ups and downs, but just didn't know that it would still feel so raw at moments. So, I am slapping a smile on my face and going to face the week, adding a new day to my NC tally each morning.
Seeker Sam Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I get what you mean. I have found myself in a string of bad relationships, and I am now trying to determine why my "picker" is broken and I find myself in nonproductive relationships. This is the first time that I was involved with a MM, and for some reason, at times, the hurt feels like I am back in my early years of dating... Days I thought I left behind many years ago. We'll make it through, we will be better people, we will make better decisions... hopefully sooner better than later. So very, very true. I have this same experience, but to make matters worse I was lecturing on adolescence recently, regaling students with stories of how, when it comes to failed romance, at this age teens are prone to believing that no love in history has ever been as great, no heart has ever hurt so much blah blah ... lol as you can imagine I began to blush profusely as the words left my mouth. Lucky they didn't know why (sigh). In adolescence, and in adulthood, the pain is very raw and very real. Especially in low moments. The trick is remembering it passes. It doesn't feel like its possible at the time, but as you've said - it does!
HappinessSeeker Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Jewel, I can so relate to this. Over the weekend I had my own pity party. I wish I could have done something productive like run, instead I holed myself in my house and reminded myself of why he's not worth it. I know I'm not tempted to call him, but the fact that I continue to think about him or wonder what he's doing, drives me crazy. I know he's not thinking about me so why do I continue to think about him? It's such a crazy emotional roller coaster to find yourself in. The only thing I can say is have faith that there will be a time when he won't be a thought anymore. I know that you will get past this and you'll find the happiness you deserve. (hugs)
Rooke Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Jewel, I can so relate to this. Over the weekend I had my own pity party. I wish I could have done something productive like run, instead I holed myself in my house and reminded myself of why he's not worth it. I know I'm not tempted to call him, but the fact that I continue to think about him or wonder what he's doing, drives me crazy. I know he's not thinking about me so why do I continue to think about him? It's such a crazy emotional roller coaster to find yourself in. The only thing I can say is have faith that there will be a time when he won't be a thought anymore. I know that you will get past this and you'll find the happiness you deserve. (hugs) I've often thought about this. Wondering whether he's thinking about me... And concluding he's not, I realise some of the bad guys ate devoid of feeling or sentiment but surely they must miss/think about us at some point? What does everyone think?
myname Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I've often thought about this. Wondering whether he's thinking about me... And concluding he's not, I realise some of the bad guys ate devoid of feeling or sentiment but surely they must miss/think about us at some point? What does everyone think? I don't know. I wish I could stop thinking about it all, cos it's driving me mad, but yes I wonder does he miss me or is he smiling over at his wife, so happy and relieved that he still has her and I am if anything just a memory of a huge mistake he made and regrets.
Rooke Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I don't know. I wish I could stop thinking about it all, cos it's driving me mad, but yes I wonder does he miss me or is he smiling over at his wife, so happy and relieved that he still has her and I am if anything just a memory of a huge mistake he made and regrets. When was the last time you heard from him?
myname Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 When was the last time you heard from him? Thursday evening, a long convoluted email about nothing much but how sorry for himself he was and how he'd brought only positive things to my life. I'm still crazily angry about it all.
myname Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Oh my, he actually put you through an affair and then said he brought only positive in your life. He is a mixed up turnip. Yeah, I know, I so wanted to contact him just to put him straight on that one, but then I realised that he was hardly likely to even listen to me if he can be thinking like that and I was just going to get myself more upset if I contacted him.
Rooke Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Yeah, I know, I so wanted to contact him just to put him straight on that one, but then I realised that he was hardly likely to even listen to me if he can be thinking like that and I was just going to get myself more upset if I contacted him. Then he obviously is thinking about you! And wants to resume the A or he wouldn't be in touch...
myname Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Then he obviously is thinking about you! And wants to resume the A or he wouldn't be in touch... The trouble with me right now is hearing that makes me feel better and have hope (even though I also think he's a piece of work). But he's not been in touch since, admittedly I didn't respond to him.
Rooke Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 The trouble with me right now is hearing that makes me feel better and have hope (even though I also think he's a piece of work). But he's not been in touch since, admittedly I didn't respond to him. Well would you be happy and content being the OW?
myname Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Well would you be happy and content being the OW? Absolutely not, I wasn't happy and content when I was, but I believed in him and our love and I thought that things would change if I just hung in there long enough. Now I don't believe in anything, and I'm just hurt and angry that I wasted so much time on him.
Rooke Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Absolutely not, I wasn't happy and content when I was, but I believed in him and our love and I thought that things would change if I just hung in there long enough. Now I don't believe in anything, and I'm just hurt and angry that I wasted so much time on him. There's no point regretting the time you wasted on him, what you have to concentrate on is that you're not happy being the OW. Did he ever let you believe he was going to end his marriage?
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