Need , not condemnation

[nooneyouknow]

I have been married 20+ years, and have two kids in state college. My wife had a hysterectomy eight years ago, and sex since then has been very infrequent, basically 3-4 times per year and usually just when we are on vacation.

About seven months ago I met a woman who went to the same high school as me on a social networking site. She is a year younger than me and has grown children.

We started off as online friends, and last September when I was visiting my mother in her state she drove across the state to meet me and got a hotel room by my mothers house. By that point we had already grown close on line, and were texting and talking on the phone occasionally. We realized we had a lot in common, music, beliefs, sexual frustration, sense of humor, etc.

We had sex that night that she was staying by my mother's house. She made me feel great and was very attentive to me.

The next two months, Oct. and Nov. she made trips back to NY, where I live, and where she still has some friends from high school. We again hooked up for sexual encounters and hung out for a few hours together at a high school reunion. Again, at this point it was sexual release for me and a friend I liked. I could have walked away and had no real emotional attachment. I did tell her many times that I wanted to keep the relationship as "friends", and that if we saw each other, great, and if we didn't, I was happy to have her as an online buddy. I honestly felt that she was a bit bipolar and overly emotional. I wondered about her mental stability, but she is a genuinely good person.

In December she was texting a friend about me and misdirected the text to her adult daughter instead. Her daughter figured out who I am and saw all our posts to each other on Facebook. Her daughter was extremely mad at her for cheating, and did not talk to her for a few weeks and cut off contact between my friend and her grandchildren for those weeks. My friend was devastated by this. She then told her husband, whom she has been unhappy with for a few years, that she was involved in an 'emotional, online affair". Her husband told her he didn't believe in such things, and that he didn't care.

In February I was going to her area to see her, and she wanted to spend the night with me. She was conflicted over the love she had for me (she had fallen in love at this point, but I had not). She felt that she could no longer sleep with me and be married to a man she disliked. She told her husband that she wanted a separation. He told her that they should divorce. She suggested they go counseling, even though she really did not even like him anymore, let alone love him. He rejected the offer of counseling.

In March she was up in NY again, we spent two nights together and the sex was mindblowing. I guess we were both relaxed with each other at this point, and we really connected. I guess it was at this point that I realized how compatible we were also, and I fell in love too.

Now her husband has moved out of their house, we are in love, and I am deeply torn as to how I should proceed.

We recently spent another couple of days together at a hotel at the beach, took a long car trip together, and we talk for hours online almost every night.

I do feel that she could be my "soulmate". I have much more in common with her than I do with my wife. The sex is fantastic and she treats me as a god and worships me.

The problem is that I am reluctant to unwind 20+ years of marriage, break my wife's heart, upset my kids, etc. etc. My wife is a good person, and contrary to what you might be thinking, I respect her highly. She is a good wife and a great mother. But we have lost all passion from our relationship. If I attempt to create a lovemaking situation I am almost always rebuffed. She refused the hormone therapy after her hysterectomy out of fear of contracting breast cancer, which runs in her family. It is like living with my sister or a roommate. We are friends, but we have lost so much in terms not just of sex but of the intimacy that goes with sex.

So, now I have a wife/partner/friend that I feel no passion for and can't see spending the next 20 years with and feeling unfulfilled and unwanted as a man. And I have a GF who worships and adores me, and who I feel a great connection with, but who is now separated and wants me to be with her eventually in a permanent, long term relationship.

I guess many people have gotten themselves into this situation, and I accept my responsibility for letting this new relationship start and become so involved. I am just looking for advice in regards to the maintaining the status quo and the stability of my family and not hurting my wife's feelings vs. wanting to spend my last couple of decades with someone who it just "feels so right" with and who wants to be with me on so many levels.

Edited May 14, 2011 by nooneyouknow

[nooneyouknow]

The title should say Need advice, not condemnation