loca Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 I am 35 with no kids. I have recently met a man who I instantly clicked with. His wife passed away in a car accident and he is raising their 3 year old son. He quickly told me that he dated a girl last year and a month after they broke up she called him up and told him she is pregnant. She is due in July. We discussed it and I told him I felt like she was a threat if we decided to be in a relationship. He told me that he is not in love with her, and he doesn't feel like he should be with her just because they have a child together (he is planning on having DNA test). I just told him that I felt like after the baby was born he may change his mind, etc. He tells me that he is dating other people and she knows this. However, she still wants to be with him and contacts him daily. I have a great connection with this guy. He seems to be very upfront, direct, and honest. We click and have a lot in common. I don't know to just walk away before I get hurt or give him a chance. I know he is trying to do what is right by being cordial since they possibly have a child together, but I can't help but to feel insecure about the situation. I feel like if I walk I am punishing him for wanting to take care of his child. But, I feel like if I stick around he will end up hurting me because the ex and he are always going to be in contact.
Rinnix Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 The problem is that you are insecure with the situation. I would feel the same. This woman is still actively pursuing him. Has he given her hope or reason to belive that they will be together? This could be a red flag. He could have lead her to believe they have a futhre, afterall they have a child on the way. In the end it is your choice if you wish to have a relationship with him. That being said, the mother of his child is apart of the deal. If you can't deal with her and another baby in the picture, it's best to move on.
Author loca Posted May 14, 2011 Author Posted May 14, 2011 Rinnix, you are exactly right. He told me that he has explained to her that he doesn't want to be with her because he is not in love with her, but he will support his child and do what is right. He even told me that she knows he dates other women, so I would assume she knows he is moving on. There are so many dead beat dads out there that I am glad he is stepping up. But, it is really hard because it seems to me that she isn't going to give up easily. I would think the entire birthing process would be a very emotional and bonding time, but he says that he just doesn't feel for her what he should.
ladyinlimbo Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Loca, I can relate to your situation in a lot of ways. I once began dating a guy who did not tell me from the start that his previous ex was pregnant with their child. Well, he told me about 2 months into our whirlwind relationship (we both fell hard for each other). She had moved away, lived quite a few miles. When he fessed up about his 'situation' (told me about 1 months before their baby was due to be born), I was shell-shocked, so sad....but didn't want to just dump him because he reassured me that things with her were "over" and that he had doubts it was his child (and would have a DNA test after born) but that if it was he would do the right thing and support the child. It was a horrible position for me to be in. I was falling in love with him and didn't want to "dump him" all because of his lie by omission/the potential future drama. I felt that I'd feel really guilty to just dump him ........though I should have considered much more, the fact that he withheld such pertinent info from me from the start..............because had I known before our first date that his child was about to be born in a few months, I would have never dated him to begin with. So I stayed and it was very hard. Of course in my situation, it was likely different than your guy's. In mine, my guy (now an ex) had been in a 3 yr long term relationship with the mother of his child (I get the impression from your post that this guy wasn't with her all that long? -- so how long?). I was terrified, though. That once the baby was born, he'd feel that 'bond' with his child and they'd get back together. Heck, at the time we got the call that his ex had delivered, I was the one who pushed him to book the flight to go and meet his daughter................it was the right thing to do and I felt he needed to face things and I needed to know how things would turn out. Him and his ex never got back together............but our relationship was always a rocky one and I think I was nothing more than a rebound girl for him and as such, he never really fully loved or respected me; I was more just a 'filler' or someone to distract him from reality.........and someone who kept him from being "alone." If I was you though.......I think I'd want to know more details. How long were they together? How do you know for sure that his relationship with her didn't end JUST BECAUSE she told him she was pregnant? (hard to respect a guy who would just dump his GF because she became pregnant and at his age (assuming close to yours of 35) he just didn't feel like being a Daddy again) If I was you, I would likely just bow out. I would tell him that the situation seems risky to you, and one with a helluva lot of potential drama. Wait until his child is born and a bit of time has passed and see where things stand then. Without knowing more details, ya gotta feel sorry for his ex. To be alone and pregnant and about to give birth in a couple of months and that father wants nothing more to do with her. Maybe he'd previously told her they'd get married and make a life together and now he's suddenly changed his tune? I don't know. It sounds like a whole lot of drama..........and a poor little unborn child who will eventually be born and become mixed up in the middle.
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