What the hell...

[i made a mess]

...So it's been a little over a month since the ex made contact.

 

In this time, we have not had a single conversation about where he disappeared to for 5 mos. No talk of why he changed his number during that time, no talk of why he decided to call again.

 

He has acknowledged that he received the letter I wrote back in December pouring my heart out letting him know that I love him, I'd do whatever it takes to earn his trust in me again, and that I'd kill for a 2nd chance. Yet, I have no idea what he's thinking, what he wants, or why he called.

 

I know we need to talk about all of this. Things were going relatively smoothly so after a session with my therapist I was pumped up to talk about everything. I called him last Monday (almost 2 weeks ago) and he'd resigned from his job that night. Not exactly an oppertune time to bring up a crucial conversation when he clearly has bigger things going on. So I bit my tongue. He asked me to come over that night and we just sat and watched tv together before going to bed. He called the next night and asked if I'd like to go out wednesday (this would be the first "date" since we started talking again as we've hung out 3 times since the whole houdini act). Wednesday came and he cancelled at 7:30, which was ok because I had to get my parents from the airport anyway.

 

I didn't hear much from him the rest of the week, except Friday night after seeing a movie. I asked him what he was doing Saturday...response, "hanging with you". So we ended our conversation with him saying he'd see me tomorrow. Saturday comes, i don't hear from him even after I text him to ask what time he wanted to do something. I didn't hear from him Sunday. So by Monday I'm seething, how rude and disrespectful of my time. So, immaturely, I text him and asked if he'd be home because I wanted to stop by and get my stuff. No response so an hour later I called and just asked him to call me. No return call....Tuesday I get a text from him that says "Relax :)". WTF?! and now I haven't heard from him since despite the fact that I replied and said "I am not good at this whole pretending to be mad thing. After everything that's happened I get a little paranoid/defensive when I don't hear from you. So there you have it lol :)". sent that yesterday and haven't heard a peep from him.

 

Part of me wonders what the heck is going on. I said I'd do whatever it takes, but at the same time I can't let someone just walk all over me. I'm not ready to throw in the towel because I know he's going through a lot, so I certainly don't want to cause unnecessary stress but disappearing for a few days at a time isn't exactly acceptable either.

 

I guess I'm looking for some input on what to do so I don't fall back on my normal stick my head in the sand or run in the opposite direction methods. Part of me feels like, knowing he received the letter and my feelings, why come back at all if you are not 100% ready to give this a real shot. If you had any doubts, you should have stayed gone.

[D-Lish]

Part of me feels like, knowing he received the letter and my feelings, why come back at all if you are not 100% ready to give this a real shot. If you had any doubts, you should have stayed gone.

 

I think a better question to ask yourself is why you'd even consider getting back together with a person that has a history of treating you with such a lack of respect.

 

He has a history of not being able to commit to anything- including his jobs apparantly. Someone leaves you, and goes MIA for 5 months, changes their number- but you want to invite them to have a second chance?

 

You're inviting so much trouble and drama into your life! You keep opening the door and inviting someone in that shouldn't be worthy of the invite in the first place- so it shouldn't be a surprise to you that he's pulling this behaviour. At some point you have to take responsibility for your own role in this and recognize that YOU are actively seeking a relationship with someone that treats you badly. Why?

 

Everytime you open that door and invite him in, you're telling him that how he treats you is just fine with you- that you're willing to be treated with indifference and you're going to accept it and love him anyway.

 

You're pining for a man that keeps proving to you over and over that he's not capable of stepping up to the plate. Don't ask yourself why he came back if he wasn't willing to work things out after you poured your heart out- ask yourself why you poured your heart out to him and asked him back in the first place.

 

There is a man out there for you that will stick with you when the going gets tough- a man that will not abandon you without notice and make you feel like you are feeling now. But you have to learn to value yourself first before you can find him. A good start would be to let go of this guy.

[i made a mess]

I probably should have prefaced this post with a link to my originals.

 

@d-lish: he and I dated for a year and I was the commitment phobe. I would push him away when things got to close. So he did what he had to do by changing his number and going no contact. I began seeing a therapist and have been going once every two weeks ever since. I wrote him the letter a month after he went NC. I'm sure that it took a lot for him to call a month ago, I have accepted full responsibility for all of my actions to this point. Part of me feels as though the roles have been reversed this time around. There are a lot of feelings between both of us, but also a lot of confusion, hesitation and apprehension given everything that has happened.

 

He was wonderful when we dated the first time. The man we all grow up hoping to meet, but after the 5 month NC period, he is acting a lot different. Reasonably so, I'm sure he is on high guard. I am just trying not to rush things along due to my own eagerness to have things where I want them to be. I really am hoping for some insight on how to tread on this delicate situation.

[D-Lish]

I probably should have prefaced this post with a link to my originals.

 

@d-lish: he and I dated for a year and I was the commitment phobe. I would push him away when things got to close. So he did what he had to do by changing his number and going no contact. I began seeing a therapist and have been going once every two weeks ever since. I wrote him the letter a month after he went NC. I'm sure that it took a lot for him to call a month ago, I have accepted full responsibility for all of my actions to this point. Part of me feels as though the roles have been reversed this time around. There are a lot of feelings between both of us, but also a lot of confusion, hesitation and apprehension given everything that has happened.

 

He was wonderful when we dated the first time. The man we all grow up hoping to meet, but after the 5 month NC period, he is acting a lot different. Reasonably so, I'm sure he is on high guard. I am just trying not to rush things along due to my own eagerness to have things where I want them to be. I really am hoping for some insight on how to tread on this delicate situation.

 

I got the impression HE was the CP from your post, sorry, didn't know the background, it obviously changes my advice.

 

I'm a pusher- I push people away when I feel them getting close- and I sabotage.

 

So you've been through therapy and realized you want him back?

I know, from the vantage point of being the person that pushes people away, that I rarely choose people that are good for me, because the thought of actually meeting someone I could actually love is too damn scary.

 

Is this guy really and truly the right match for you- or are you following a pattern of wanting him back because you're feeling rejected right now?

Do you want him back because he's the right fit, or are you wanting him back because after all that pushing and testing- he left you.

 

He's protecting himself, because he's been hurt, that makes sense.

When it comes down to it, is he the right guy for you?

[i made a mess]

A pusher, that's exactly an adjective I would use to describe myself too. However, thanks to the therapy, I'm learning the signs to recognize and cope with in relationships so I don't continue the same patterns over again.

 

I wanted him before he ever went NC to begin with, but at that point he seems to have done what was best for his own sanity by cutting me off. How could he trust that my intentions were true or pure if we'd been doing the same song and dance for months. Once I realized that I could hurt someone, the way I hoped never to be hurt again, I concluded that I needed to seek help from a therapist to work on myself so that whether I was afforded the opportunity of a second chance with him or with someone else, I would be ready.

 

He truly is the right guy for me. During our 5 months of NC, I went on one date with someone else. It was horrible. I felt as if I was cheating on him. I want him to be happy and on the same note would like to be the one to make him happy. I know he's got his guard up but at the same time, some of it feels like something else is going on. Being the woman I am, I can't help but wonder if he's seeing someone else and that is why he goes silent for a few days at a time. He quit his job because they were treating him like crap. I completely get that there is a heavy burden on him right now to find another job in his career path that definitely supercedes my need to know where we stand, but at the same time I can't just turn my cheek and ride it out much longer.

 

Thus my reason for coming back here to ask for advice yet again...