spiderowl Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 I'm wondering if there is any point in dating any more. I started out hoping to meet a nice guy who wanted a long-term relationship. I've dated a few guys, mostly one or two dates only, and had a couple of brief relationships but one ended in tears and I just didn't feel sufficient chemistry with the other. Now I find myself wondering if there's any point at all. I have a lot of stresses in my life - single parent, child with mild special needs - and I often feel I'm struggling alone with unique problems. It's unlikely a guy would properly understand what I'm dealing with although they always seem willing to try. I just have this horrible feeling that they won't have a clue and it will end up with them criticising my parenting skills through ignorance of what I'm dealing with. I don't want to end up having to manage my child AND a partner who has limited understanding. I often get down about it all and find life a struggle. But, despite all this, some guys do show an interest and I very quickly find myself in a situation where they make it clear and then I'm not sure they are suitable. However, they seem nice guys. I don't like to dismiss a guy out of hand if he's decent but just recently I seem to be really feeling the pressure. The last guy I was with wanted to talk a lot on the phone and it never seemed to be convenient to me. I was also bored with him talking about his life mostly but we spent a lot of time on the phone. He always seemed to feel I was paying him less attention than I should and that I was always busy (I often am). He wanted to meet up and be part of my life, wanted me to share myself (my trials and tribulations) with him and all that, but ... I didn't want to share the sad and difficult things so I was cut off to a certain extent. I felt he wouldn't really understand and that rather than asking because he cared, he just wanted to possess me in some way. In the end, it became clear he was not for me and it ended. Now, I'm in a similar situation though haven't yet met the guy. Already I'm feeling pressured and he sounds like he's practically planning a future together. I have to keep reminding him it's early days. I don't feel we know each other well enough to decide we're compatible but he's more optimistic and enthusiastic than me. I'm just finding it hard to fit anyone into my life. I feel stressed if they want more time and want to talk. But when we talk it's mostly about what they are doing. I don't feel they are really offering anything other than a need for attention. Maybe it's just me, I don't know. Maybe if I met a guy I was really excited about then all these time issues would disappear? Should I be dating? Should I just give up on the whole thing and try to pretend I'm not lonely for that physical affection and companionship? Is it better I date but spell out the limitations from the start? Should I just look for a purely physical relationship so at least I don't feel frustrated? I'm getting weary of guys expecting all this attention somehow.
sanskrit Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Don't give up on dating, but don't date that guy either. The ones who are all gung ho before meeting are extremely poor odds.
Author spiderowl Posted May 14, 2011 Author Posted May 14, 2011 Thanks Sanskrit. I don't know about poor odds as I'm not sure what that means but he seems a decent guy. I do feel wary of guys who are all for me before we even know each other properly. This is why I keep telling him it's early days. He doesn't like this at all and sees it as negative so that puts pressure on me in a way. I know if you are a guy you've got to be positive with a woman or she'll think you don't like her, but it concerns me that he's thinking ahead so much. I'm tempted to back out but I think he'll be upset and his enthusiasm hardly seems to be a good reason to back out.
sanskrit Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 It's certainly possible to develop feelings for someone you haven't met and vice versa, but if the conversation prior to meeting involves lots of talk about developing feelings in ratio out of proportion to just sharing information, flirting, teasing, joking, and other lighter conversation, then the odds of the person professing these feelings being really needy increase. In other words, only you can tell if there has been enough information and knowlege exchanged for feelings to develop, or if the other person is just looking for a warm body... if that makes any sense? You shouldn't be feeling any pressure -at all- coming your way, that's a bad sign too. How long have you been talking, and what is preventing you from meeting?
Author spiderowl Posted May 14, 2011 Author Posted May 14, 2011 (edited) We've been talking a few weeks and may meet soon. His enthusiasm and optimism puts pressure on me. He drops in things about what we could do in the future and that concerns me. I'm not sure we are compatible and don't want to think that far ahead. He feels he's getting to know me and it's looking good! I feel really mean not returning this optimism and having to warn him not to assume too much. He seems to want to invest much more than me at this stage. I feel I'm bound to disappoint him if we meet and it doesn't work for me. There is also another guy who I know I feel attracted to who lives nearer. He is attached though so off limits anyway. It doesn't stop me noticing that I feel differently about the two, but I won't know if I'm attracted to the guy I've been chatting to until we meet. Should I be putting him off? Edited May 14, 2011 by spiderowl
OliveOyl Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 I recommend meeting as soon as possible, rather than dragging things out online. I say this... having had "online-only" relationships in the past. While there is a certain reality to online interactions, meeting someone face-to-face gives you the full reality which may be quite different from online (or phone). When I first put up an online dating profile, I started messaging back and forth with a guy and started feeling as if a relationship was building up even though we hadn't met yet. When I finally did meet him about 2 weeks later, I simply wasn't attracted to him physically. So in a way all that back and forth was just a build-up of "nothing much." You can't really get enough information about the person until you meet. So it makes no sense to "plan a future" or even try to figure out compatibility until then. There are non-verbal/physical cues and attractors that can change things from seemingly incompatible to compatible, or vice versa.
Author spiderowl Posted May 15, 2011 Author Posted May 15, 2011 Thanks for all your replies. I do think meeting is best but he's long distance so it has taken time. Also, I don't want to feel rushed into meeting and I have felt that pressure. I'd rather chat for a while so that if they are odd or we're incompatible it becomes obvious before we meet. I'd rather avoid pointless meetings. I am concerned that he seems to be so into me and optimistic at this stage and I do feel pressured. If I say anything he backs off a bit but I know he's really investing in this and it's too soon! I'm not confident we are a match and I'm not sure I will feel that chemistry. On the other hand, he does seem confident. How can I introduce some reality into this before we meet? I do wonder about just finding some physical comfort. I'd like a relationship with a guy but don't want to feel I have to give him lots of attention all the time. I seem to end up with guys who want to talk a lot but it's mostly about them, just seems to be 'look at me' all the time. Maybe I'm getting cynical but I'm not sure what they've really got to offer me if they are taking up time and yet I'm not feeling stunningly attracted. I thought I wanted a relationship but maybe I'd be better off with just uncomplicated sex!
Recommended Posts