Wow, no contact really works!

[billion]

Well, well...

 

Let me introduce you to my situation here.

 

I must tell you that I am QUITE surprised this really is working in getting my ex some interest...

 

Brief story, my ex left me a month ago because I talked about getting married.. Out of nowhere (from my point of view), he told me he had to think, wasn't sure about if he wanted to be in a relationship.. all that stuff. Until then, we have had a great time and I loved him very much. We never had a fight and everything was smooth. I must say that I was very much into our relationship and into him, so making a lot of efforts for us both and for him since we were living a long distance relationship for the last months.

 

Anyways, after the break up, I decided to go 'no contact'.. to heal of course and to understand the situation.. I was devastated at first but it got better.. I read a lot about break ups and lived all the emotions I had to live.. I talked with friends and just didn't went out everyday to 'forget' about it all or to get distracted.. I just lived my emotions fully, I knew I had to in order to heal faster and to get a sense of all this!

 

During the no contact time, my ex called me twice, just to ask ' how things were, if I was feeling ok?'.. During those (I kept them short) calls, I wasn't emotional and I just told him that everything was fine, that the situation was getting me to think and to accept the situation. It was true, who would like to stay with someone that is not 100% invested in the relationship. I also told him I respected his decision to split.

 

Anyway, to make it short, last week he called me to tell me that he was 'coming to town' and wanted to see me. I asked 'why?' and he told me 'for a friendly meeting'. I told him politely that I was not ready for that. He acted surprised. I guessed he really thought that I'd stay in the same mood as before the break up: loving, accomodating, ready to welcome him back.. whatever he had to offer me. But that just wasn't the case. Before hanging up, he told me 'well, I'm in town for two weeks... if you feel like it, call me ok?''. Of course, I didn't.

 

Today, I just received a phone call.. it was him again... He was pretty shy, laughing nervously. He normally is quite detached and cool. Well, I know he still is in town for a week.. and he innocently called to say 'hi'... I couldn't speak to him for very long, we've had a little chitchat and I ran for a meeting. I just said a friendly 'talk to you later' before hanging up. I haven't called back.

 

In fact, in the past four weeks, I never called him and never was really available to have a long discussions when I got him on the phone. So in the end, the guy that split up with me is now calling me up and is now nervous to do it so since I'm not showing desperation or interest towards him - and I'm not calling! (I remain casual).

 

From the dumper, .. it feels to me that he is now in the situation of the dumpee.. trying to get a grip on me, something out of me.

 

I wanted to share you this because.. while I was crying like a baby and suffering from the break up, I read the posts here and tried to use NC to heal. I also know that this technique is indicated for getting back with your 'ex'. Well let me tell you that not only have I healed up pretty fast, but now my ex seems to chase me back and being insecure. It is like a reversed rejection and he now seems to want validation from me.

 

Take my word on it: I'm not for manipulating someone. I'm one of the purest heart that just give, give and give. But I'm just seeing it happening in front of my eyes! It seems that the NC and remaining CALM and ACCEPTING the break up do make your boyfriend want to chase you around.

 

I don't want to get back with my ex but I just wanted to let you know for some of those who wants. I'll keep you posted.

 

Good luck!!

Edited May 14, 2011 by billion

[Leda]

I think relationships based on a power play of who gets the upper hand end up being a crapp-o experience in the end.

 

If someone thinks your ability to ignore, reject, or stay out of touch with them is more alluring than how it feels to be actually with you--to kiss and touch you, to talk to you and share things--thenm they'll get bored and restless again if you reconnect. If this guy is turned off by the idea of being trapped in a committed relationship with you, you not-pursuing him and having to rush off the phone might manipulate him into being more attracted.

 

But he might get turned off again if you ever want or need him, expect something from him, or have an off day. Or if he finds out that your aloofness and busy-ness are fake.

 

I think secure, emotionally honest Contact, versus No Contact, is actually a great way to screen out people who just want the chase and would feel trapped in a real relationship. The kind of guy I want to be with at this stage will be MORE attracted if I openly love and want to be with him, not less attracted. He'll want to be in touch with me eveb MORE if I am also seeking him out.

 

NC is great if you want to really move on. As a control tactic to reattract a partner who looks at your face, body, mind, shared chemistry, everything about you, and says, "Um, I'm not sure I want to be with you," and then is more interested if you are able to hide your feelings...I think it could backfire.

[Leda]

Take my word on it: I'm not for manipulating someone. I'm one of the purest heart that just give, give and give. But I'm just seeing it happening in front of my eyes! It seems that the NC and remaining CALM and ACCEPTING the break up do make your boyfriend want to chase you around.

 

 

 

Absolutely, the more you chase an avoidant, commitmentphobic guy who doesn't want to be with you, the more he'll be turned off...the more you put him off and play aloof, the more he'll chase you.

 

But it's not like that with a guy who would be a good partner. I was with my ex ex almost 15 years--I was the one who left--we love each other like crazy, but the fact that my approach made him back away, my retreat made him feel more in love was a giant RED FLAG. Find a guy who wants to chase you around because he can't imagine anyone as beautiful, special, funny, adorable, and irresistible as you...not because your mellowness about him dumping you because he's not sure you're worth marrying makes him more interested than when you seemed to want to see him more.

[billion]

Wow Leda,

 

What a great reply.. lot of wisdom in it. Thank you so much.

 

'' But he might get turned off again if you ever want or need him, expect something from him, or have an off day. Or if he finds out that your aloofness and busy-ness are fake. ''

 

That is really interesting... I can see now that my ex really loves the chase and I think you are right, some (where are they? other men don't.

 

I think a 'natural' chase is good in a relationship. What I mean by that is if the two person in the relationship have a good self-esteem and respect themselves.. the partner will admire them for it and will always do a little chase.

 

What this break up have thought me is that it was not the case in my past relationship. I gave in too much for this guy and probably smothered him and wasn't respecting myself. That is what I always been thought: to give and think of others. I have to learn to love myself better now and lay back in relationships.

[billion]

Oh.. and by the way, he called back yesterday at night... !

Again, I haven't picked up the phone, I was sleeping.

[loverboy1984]

Are you saying when you leave your guy you want him to chase you?

 

I thought going NC and giving them space was the way to go. I made myself clear to my gf of 6yrs that I loved her and committed to her but she left. I didnt chase her afterwards because I didnt want to push her away. I do love her still...not more not less. I dont love someone more when Im not with them, I love them more when Im with them and building something. Im trying to get back with my ex but afraid to be true and open with my feelings because I dont want to come across needy or weak. Its been over 2 months NC and everyday I think about contacting her but refrain.

[SunsetRed]

Wow, Billion..this is one of the best no contact threads I've seen. Your writing style is very natural and easy to follow and you are speaking 100% from your heart.

 

I've had this experience with NC myself, it alway seems to bring the ex back. It gives you the upper hand too because when they do come back, they are the ones who are nervous and they are the ones chasing you.

 

I "liked" a group on FB called Staying Present. The updates are basically a one minute inspirational video. I recently had an update about how to be centered and balanced in a relationship. The theme was "the one with the least interest controls the relationship." I am going to remember this the next time I'm with someone and I start getting needy or clingy.

 

Well, good luck with your positive attitude..I know it will carry you far!

[0hpenelope]

Well, well...

 

Let me introduce you to my situation here.

 

I must tell you that I am QUITE surprised this really is working in getting my ex some interest...

 

Brief story, my ex left me a month ago because I talked about getting married.. Out of nowhere (from my point of view), he told me he had to think, wasn't sure about if he wanted to be in a relationship.. all that stuff. Until then, we have had a great time and I loved him very much. We never had a fight and everything was smooth. I must say that I was very much into our relationship and into him, so making a lot of efforts for us both and for him since we were living a long distance relationship for the last months.

 

Anyways, after the break up, I decided to go 'no contact'.. to heal of course and to understand the situation.. I was devastated at first but it got better.. I read a lot about break ups and lived all the emotions I had to live.. I talked with friends and just didn't went out everyday to 'forget' about it all or to get distracted.. I just lived my emotions fully, I knew I had to in order to heal faster and to get a sense of all this!

 

During the no contact time, my ex called me twice, just to ask ' how things were, if I was feeling ok?'.. During those (I kept them short) calls, I wasn't emotional and I just told him that everything was fine, that the situation was getting me to think and to accept the situation. It was true, who would like to stay with someone that is not 100% invested in the relationship. I also told him I respected his decision to split.

 

Anyway, to make it short, last week he called me to tell me that he was 'coming to town' and wanted to see me. I asked 'why?' and he told me 'for a friendly meeting'. I told him politely that I was not ready for that. He acted surprised. I guessed he really thought that I'd stay in the same mood as before the break up: loving, accomodating, ready to welcome him back.. whatever he had to offer me. But that just wasn't the case. Before hanging up, he told me 'well, I'm in town for two weeks... if you feel like it, call me ok?''. Of course, I didn't.

 

Today, I just received a phone call.. it was him again... He was pretty shy, laughing nervously. He normally is quite detached and cool. Well, I know he still is in town for a week.. and he innocently called to say 'hi'... I couldn't speak to him for very long, we've had a little chitchat and I ran for a meeting. I just said a friendly 'talk to you later' before hanging up. I haven't called back.

 

In fact, in the past four weeks, I never called him and never was really available to have a long discussions when I got him on the phone. So in the end, the guy that split up with me is now calling me up and is now nervous to do it so since I'm not showing desperation or interest towards him - and I'm not calling! (I remain casual).

 

From the dumper, .. it feels to me that he is now in the situation of the dumpee.. trying to get a grip on me, something out of me.

 

I wanted to share you this because.. while I was crying like a baby and suffering from the break up, I read the posts here and tried to use NC to heal. I also know that this technique is indicated for getting back with your 'ex'. Well let me tell you that not only have I healed up pretty fast, but now my ex seems to chase me back and being insecure. It is like a reversed rejection and he now seems to want validation from me.

 

Take my word on it: I'm not for manipulating someone. I'm one of the purest heart that just give, give and give. But I'm just seeing it happening in front of my eyes! It seems that the NC and remaining CALM and ACCEPTING the break up do make your boyfriend want to chase you around.

 

I don't want to get back with my ex but I just wanted to let you know for some of those who wants. I'll keep you posted.

 

Good luck!!

 

The shift's amazing, isn't it? And unfortunately, this kind of push-pull effect isn't just for romantic relationships, but also for most personal relationships as well. The effects do take time. Sooner or later, something gives.

[billion]

Hi Loverboy! For your information, I haven't left my boyfriend. He left me when I wanted to discuss commitment... If I understand correctly, your girlfriend is the one that walked away. Then, you should be the one that keeps going NC. I have to admit I've read a book that was recommended here in the forum: The magic of making up. Have you read it? The book does offer great tips when you use the no contact. Let me know if you want to read it, I can email it to you. It may be time for you to contact her BUT, I suggest that you take time to fully prepare for that and really feel ready... the book really helps for that part.

 

To Sunsetred: Thank you! That is so kind! I'm really happy you enjoyed my post and happy my English readable (it is not my first language .

I'll be checking this FB group for sure! I really need to learn that too: to keep balanced and centered in relationships.. for some reason, up to now, I couldn't really do it. The actual situation is putting light on this problem and I tend to solve it, I want to change that. Thank you for sharing!!

 

Very interesting 0hpenelope, I guess you are right. It does work for any kind of relationship.

[billion]

Oh and I almost forgot.. he called back tonight while I was out but left no messages..

 

This is getting out of control!

[Fufu]

Just continue with your NC.

[azappa420]

hey billion i was wondering if you could email me the magic of making up book, i would really appreciate it. thank you. [email protected]

[billion]

azappa, I just send it to you!

[sun_moon]

is there any way you can send it to me as well? [email protected]

 

thank you

[Millie-Johnson]

Hey could u maybe send me the magic of making up book to my email as well. My email is [email protected].

 

 

Thank you:)

[billion]

Little update.

 

My ex has not called back since saturday.

Guess he finally understood that I wasn't going to pick up the phone or, he just wanted to have a cozy week-end and since the week-end ended, there was no point in calling me.

 

I keep concentrating on healing, healing and healing.

It is hard but I'm getting better everyday.

[midkirby]

That is a great story, and one that you don't find a lot of on the Internet. I hope it works the same way for me, but time will tell. I just have one questions, do you want to be with him again or not? Either way, I bet he has learned his listen.

 

Honestly I don't like to play the cat and mouse games. I understand the need for men to "chase", but not to excess.

 

One question I do have....My boyfriend and myself on still together, but taking a time out with no contact. He always initiates contact with text messaging, but not last night, which was the first time. I know for a fact that he loves me. How long should I wait before I break it off, without any chance of reconciliation? I am not going to wait forever for him to realize that we are great together and he will never find anyone like me, ever again.

 

Thanks for your time.

[billion]

Hi midkirby.

 

The truth is, when someone breaks up with you, it is rarely a moment where you feel liberated. To the contrary, you feel stressed and want to have back what you had. This is a normal emotional reaction. Humans don't like loosing what they are used to.

 

I'd be lying to say that I didn't dream of that happening BUT the rational part of me tried to see it from a different angle and let me tell you that the more time passes, the more I'm SURE I don't want to get back with my ex.

 

You say: ''Honestly I don't like to play the cat and mouse games. I understand the need for men to "chase", but not to excess.'' How right! Why be with someone that is not in love and/or needs to play a SOLID game of cats and mouses in order to keep interest in the relationship... pfew! I'd better take my energy and invest it where it matters: me.

 

''How long should I wait before I break it off, without any chance of reconciliation? ''

If it was ME, I would NEVER reinitiate the contact. Furthermore, the next time he calls or text.. take your time to reply: 24-48 hours.

 

Your say: '' I am not going to wait forever for him to realize that we are great together and he will never find anyone like me, ever again. ''

If this guy makes you wait, isn't sure and so on.. you're right, you don't have to wait for him to realize that you are great together. Start moving on right now. He is not sure? Why would you remain in standby.. do you really have some precious time to loose?

 

Start moving on to where you want to be. He will notice and if he wants to keep you around, might it be under your conditions.

Yes a little relationship 'spicing' is good, but on/off, hot/cold relationships are time and energy consuming. It steels energy and time you could invest in yourself and/or a more satisfying relationships.

 

Keep in mind that men don't let the women they love run away. Keep empowered and grounded, you deserve a good relationship girl!

 

Good luck and let me know!

Edited May 22, 2011 by billion

[billion]

Oh... and by the way... My ex called a couple days ago.. wanted to know if I was 'feeling ok'.. same stuff as usual.

 

He wanted to know if I was mad or something.. I told him I wasn't, which is true and asked me if I wanted him to stop contacting me. I said yes and he asked if we could be friends in the future... I said that I really didn't know about that..

 

He is supposed to come get his stuff this week-end..

Seriously, can't wait for it to be over with this commitment phobe.. and I that without any frustration but this is just nonsense to me...

 

I'll keep you posted!

Edited May 22, 2011 by billion

[Sassygirl2]

Wow - this is great Billion. I wish I had the same reaction from my ex. I guess we've done very minimal contact the lat month (a few emails and texts) but he seems to to be annoyed by me so I have been doing my best to be NC. We are sharing a dog which we adopted together 3 months ago and it has been difficult for me. I do fine until he picks/drops her off or I get an email from him about her, etc. Tomorrow he is coming by to bring her to me (he's had her for 2 weeks) and I'm dreading seeing him. I can't wait to see her but I am just nervous. I am planning on being nice and not talking about anything serious. He dumped me and was very cold about it 5 weeks ago. I have just started feeling better as you and I don't want to go backwards after tomorrow. I want him to see that I'm doing OK without him. I don't think he thought that I would be. He's already on the online dating website again which really pissed me off and the last actual conversation we had was about that 2 weeks ago. He just doesn't have a clue how he hurt me I guess. I don't like to play games either but to tell him how bad he hurt me would not help. I know this and that is why I will stay cool. I don't think I'd take him back anyway.

[Kathyy28]

Billion,

I actually just joined this website after reading your post. I'm going through a break up right now and I would be beyond thankful if you also emailed me the book. My email is [email protected]

[Daisy44]

Hi Billion, would you mind sending me the book also? Loved your post, my boyf has taken a break from me at the moment so i'm on the nc thing aswell and would appreciate a read of the book. It's [email protected]

 

Many thanks

[AngelaT]

I'm inspired! I'm in NC right now and really hoping for the same results.

[dontknow11]

now do you guys think this would work on the other end...men and women are different...my fiance says she loves me like a brother now and wants space...we've still talked a little every day since its happened...ive thought about NC, but thought "this isnt me"...but on the other hand, what is "me" is the fact that i would do whatever to bring back the spark...so as long as i wasnt mean about it, if i just did zero contact, u think things could work?

[sunshine suki]

Hi everyone!

 

I just read an amazing book called 'He's scared, She's scared' from Steven Carter.

 

This book, life changing for me, as confirmed me that my ex is a commitment phobe and that those dynamics of Push/pull are very attractive to this type of persons. They, for one, can't commit to love but also can't commit to LOOSING totally their loved one. They're trying to stand between those commitments.

 

Absolutely brilliant book.. that teaches that there is really nothing you can do to have a SATISFYING relationship with the commitment phobe. Watch out.

Edited May 22, 2011 by sunshine suki