ladyinlimbo Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Hello, a newbie here :-) I'm 43 and a member of Eharmony. I've been corresponding with a very local match from there for about 2 weeks. Truth be told, he's the only 'match' who seems like a true match. We have a lot of things in common. He's the same age. He's been divorced since February and reportedly had a 4 month relationship that ended in Dec 2010 because that gal apparently demanded to move in with him because she was got herself into a financial bind and moving in with him would have helped her (this, of course, is his side of the story). He reportedly broke up with her because of this 'demand.' I had sent him an 'icebreaker' on the site, and he was the first to write to me. In that initial email from him he explained that he had that day off because things were slow at work, told me about himself a BIT, then he signed it "hope to hear from you soon" I responded later that evening and it took a good week for him to respond. He claimed he was really busy with work and stuff. After our initial emails to one another, he advised me that he didn't check Eharmony that often so best to communicate with him by email or texting. We exchanged email and cell numbers. He seems to be super hooked on texting. I'm really not a texter, particularly with someone I don't really KNOW or certainly not with someone I haven't met. Last Saturday night he was hounding me to send him some recent pics with my iPhone (though my Eharmony acct has 3 very clear, recent pics). I told him I would soon but it kind of irked me a bit because he seemed to be too focused on pics and not really wanting to actually communicate to learn more about one another. He started asking me some serious questions via text that night as well...ones like "Are you affectionate when you're in a relationship?" ....... "How important do you think the physical aspect of a relationship is (and not just talking s*x)?" I was kind of frustrated because I was in the middle of doing some things around the house and didn't feel that discussing these sorts of things by texting was really all that appropriate. I am just not one to sit there and have indepth digital communications with someone via text. My God, at least let's email the questions and respond via that format. Takes forever to respond by texting, and provide a comprehensive response.....too time consuming, I have a busy life and don't have time to spend hours texting. Anyway, I gave some basic answers and then he abruptly said he had to go because his teenage son who had friends over had gotten into a wrestling match and someone had a nosebleed. Sunday I decided to email him..............and explain that I am not a texter, particularly with someone I don't know..........and definitely not when trying to get to know someone and that email makes more sense. I shared a lot about myself in this email..........what I'm looking for, my interests, my hobbies, the qualities I'm looking for in someone, etc. I told him that I didn't feel Eharmony's profile format allows for a person to really tell much about themself so I was doing it there in email..................and at the end of the day I want to connect with someone who's on the same page as me; that I'd rather be single than be with someone just for the sake of being with someone. I asked him to consider what I'd written and to respond by email as to whether he felt we were on the same page and if he felt we had enough in common. His response to the email was lame. For someone who's very proficient at 2 finger pecking away at an iPhone, all his response was.........."I'm terrible at typing. Maybe we should meet for a drink or coffee soon?" I was kind of annoyed. I have no desire to waste time meeting a complete stranger who's really shared nothing about themself ........and when I've given a good bit of info on myself and asked them to comment...........I get this lame "I'm not a good typer". A couple of days later I texted him back to say that a bit of a response to my email would have been appreciated. He responded to say that he was hoping we could talk. I texted back a few hours later telling him that I was definitely open to talking on the phone this coming weekend if he was up for it. He's texted me since, with just things like "How is your day going?" or in the evening "How was your day?" "what are you up to?" Today he texted me again (friggin TEXTING!!!! lol) and asked if I'd be up for a drink this evening? WTH? There is no way in the world that I have any desire to meet a complete stranger who's really shared very little about himself, who I haven't even spoken on the phone with first! I thought I made myself clear.................I don't do major conversations by texting, not really into texting.........yet he still texts me. He makes excuses about emailing, which are lame at best for someone who's selected an online dating site to meet someone. I thought I made myself clear that i was willing to talk on the phone this weekend but he seems to have forgotten this and wants to go straight to meeting. A part of me wondered if he was perhaps still in a relationship and as a result finds it impossible to "email" or "talk on the phone" because maybe he has a GF who will catch him? Why else would a grown man be so insistent on texting in order to communicate? Why else would a grown man forget my request to talk on the phone (before meeting) and again ask about meeting? Due to the nature of my career, plus the fact that we both live in a small town and I don't know him from Adam, I am understandably cautious about meeting a stranger from a dating site. I have, in the past, agreed to meet without first talking on the phone and it was a total nightmare; and had we chatted on the phone a time or 2 first, I'd have learned very quickly what a nutjob or perv the guy was. So since then, as with most people, I will never consider meeting again until we can talk on the phone first. I haven't answered his last text (from about 3 hrs ago), the one suggesting we meet for a drink. Part of me wonders if I should just advise him that sorry, I am open to talking on the phone but no way will I meet someone I know little about in person without talking first. But then part of me thinks I shouldn't even have to explain myself, that this is all very pointless with this dude......he's just not making a proper effort and/or just not "getting it." And frankly I kind of resent the fact that I've made it known what I'm comfortable with yet he makes excuses or seems to just want things to proceed on his terms/according to what he wants. Is there even any point in responding? I don't want to come across as some paranoid headcase who has to follow this predetermined "script" of how things should go...........I don't really owe him any response, quite frankly. Not sure how to proceed. I've been single by choice for the past 2 years (was in a crappy long term relationship prior to that and have intentionally spent these past 2 years just enjoying being single and focusing more on my career and other interests)......and I am admittedly quick to write someone off because i just have little tolerance at this age for crap and drama and having to pull teeth to get someone to tell me a bit about themselves..........I'd rather just remain single, quite honestly. I'm a very open and expressive person and I can't really connect well with someone who isn't similar. How would you proceed if you were me? I'm this close to just saying 'screw it' with this dude but maybe I should not be so quick to write him off? I'm not angry at him or anything, he is the way he is...but I just need to figure out if I should just chalk this one up to "NEXT"? Thanks. Sorry this is so long. PS - I should add, I purposely chose EHarmony because I (however wrongly?) believed that men on that site were more serious than those on some of the other cheaper (or free) dating sites. I'm looking to connect with and get to know someone but only if it seems apparent from the start that we're on similar pages. I'll definitely make the time to get to know someone but my life is busy and I don't have the time or desire to date around or meet a dozen strangers out for a coffee/drink, too busy for that.
SJC2008 Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 If the divorce wat this Feb I'd leave him alone.If he won't abide by the fact you don't like to text, don't waste your time. Also, asking about are you affectionate and all that stuff is too fast having not even met in person unless there is a more striatforward approach in 40+ dating (no offense, I'm 29). Don't get too wraped up into "matches". In my opinion that's overrated. As long as you and you potential date have some common interests to build off of. I mean these dating sites even ask for political views. Come on. I'm pretty much a democrat with some republican views but would that stop me from dating an all out conservative? Hell no, that's REDICULOUS. What e harmony also does is try to match on self esteem level which is good, but all the other crap to me is pointless.
nyc_guy2003 Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 You haven't even spoken to him on the phone yet and already going through all this drama. Imagine what it will be like if you were in an actual relationship. That should be enough of an answer there.
Author ladyinlimbo Posted May 14, 2011 Author Posted May 14, 2011 Hello SJC, Thanks a lot for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate it !!! See the thing is, I don't actually believe that Eharmony's matching system is even all that accurate. I must received about 15 new matches a day and I have a hard time believing that I match with so many. That being said, because I don't believe that because Eharmony claims I'm a match with someone that I automatically, I want to communicate back and forth with them a bit (by email ((NOT TEXT!)) and by phone) to better establish the basics. Like most men on there, his profile doesn't tell an awful lot about him. I think their profile format sucks the big one....crap like "what are 5 things you can't live without"......."name someone who has been a great influence in your life"....."what is something you wish people would know about you." That's crap and doesn't tell me what *I* want to really know about them in terms of ...............what are you really looking for? what makes you tick? what qualities are important to you in a partner? etc. I think he's either lazy, a player or a goof. Not sure which. Not sure I feel like investing more time trying to figure it out.
Author ladyinlimbo Posted May 14, 2011 Author Posted May 14, 2011 You haven't even spoken to him on the phone yet and already going through all this drama. Imagine what it will be like if you were in an actual relationship. That should be enough of an answer there. I wouldn't call it drama. I just think it's really weird that people our age would expect others they meet on a dating site to just meet for a drink and not even want to learn more prior to meeting, to really DETERMINE if there's enough in common to even want to meet? ......and at least talk on the phone once first. You can tell a lot about someone by talking on the phone......how well the conversation flows........their ability to articulate........are they arrogant........do they talk only about themselves and ask you nothing.........do they have a mouth like a trucker.........do they have a similar sense of humor or are they as dry and un-funny as it gets, etc etc. I guess you're right though..........things should flow a lot better in the beginning and if he was a decent/potential match for me, I wouldn't even be here posting about this all because it simply wouldn't even be an issue. I guess sometimes I just second-guess myself because like I wrote, I'm quick to write someone off if I think it's pointless or they're not on the same page....but then worry if sometimes I have prematurely written someone "good" off. Hard to know where to draw the line sometimes.
Author ladyinlimbo Posted May 14, 2011 Author Posted May 14, 2011 UPDATE: it's now been about 4 hrs since he sent that text, I haven't yet responded..........and he just texted again: "did I scare you with that? lol" (meaning, did he scare me with the offer to meet for a drink) I guess he thinks that my lack of a response is perhaps me being freaked out that he asked.
orangelady Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 I think he may be looking for sex. That's why he can't be bothered to reply you an email worth more than a sentence. Or maybe he just wants to tell it to you face to face.
Author ladyinlimbo Posted May 14, 2011 Author Posted May 14, 2011 I think he may be looking for sex. That's why he can't be bothered to reply you an email worth more than a sentence. Or maybe he just wants to tell it to you face to face. Yeah, I thought of that but don't think so. In my email to him on Sunday, I pretty much spelled out my personality and what I'm looking for. I made it clear that I'm not into casual sex, I don't have sex unless it's within a serious relationship............I brought this up only because of his text msg the night before asking how important the "physical aspect" of a relationship is. I generally don't bring up intimacy or sex within initial emails but if there was any possible way that him asking me that question was a 'sign' that he was asking it more because he was looking more to get laid than to establish a relationship, I thought I would set him straight....and if he still contacted me after reading that, then maybe I could safely assume he was looking for more than to just knock boots. I'm not getting a sense that he's a very expressive or communicative person so I don't really think that he's the type to sit there face to face and have deep conversations about what he's looking for, what he's all about, what he values, etc. I just don't get that sense. My experience has been that guys who aren't one to tell much by email, that's a good indicator of how expressive and communicative they are in person. I'm not about to meet some dude for a drink just to sit there for 2 hours and make idle chit chat about crap. I want to be able to figure out prior to even meeting if they're someone I'd even WANT to meet. That's how I look at it. I thought I communicated this to him but apparently he's incredibly daft or just really lazy. Oh well.
smartblonde Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Hi Ladyinlimbo, Welcome to the crazy world that is online dating. Most guys aren't great communcators with text and emails, IMO. I usually get one or two word texts and emails from my current boyfriend but when we're together, you can't shut us up! His personal communication style is completely different than his emails and texts. My ex-husband was the same way...very poorly written emails, to the point. Same with my bro-in-law. Men don't waste time with lengthy, emotionally-filled emails. They just get to the point in as few words as possible. Don't make assumptions about his communciation style by the content of his texts and emails. We all know that this is not the best media for meeting people and getting to know them. And most guys don't want to waste time emailing and texting if they feel there's no physical chemistry. They're not gonna invest time and energy if they don't feel phycisally attracted to a woman. Not fair, I know...but that's the way the dating world works. I suppose this is why he's pushing to meet you. You have his cell phone number...why not just give him a call? Or you can meet him...in a very public place. Like a coffee shop..in the harsh light of day...and somewhere that doesn't involve alcohol. Tell him you only have an hour to spare and stick to that timeline. And after all of this, if you think he's not the one, send a simple put polite text and tell him you're not interested in persuing anything with him. Keep us posted on what you decide to do!
sanskrit Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 You told him that texting wasn't your thing, yet he persists and has not called you despite having your number to ask you out in the normal way. Look for the ones who call you after a couple of Emails and ask you to meet over drinks or even on a regular date. In your shoes, would send him a simple Email stating that you made your preferences about not communicating solely via texting known plainly and clearly, and you don't see any point in continuing to talk. If he calls soon after, apologizing profusely for being thick, then maybe reconsider and agree to meet.
Author ladyinlimbo Posted May 14, 2011 Author Posted May 14, 2011 So here's a bit of an update. I'm not really one to be rude and ignore someone without at least explaining why. I sent him a quick email last evening (several hours after his texting suggesting we meet for a drink....followed a few hours later by the one that said "did I scare you? lol"). I basically told him that I'd been too busy to respond earlier in the day, busy at work. That he's really shared nothing about himself and is pushing to meet. I have, on the other hand, shared about myself and have gotten nothing in return. I explained that I'm not desperate, I'm choosy - and there is no way that I'm going to even want to meet someone in person unless they've made the effort to communicate a bit about themselves in order for me to even DETERMINE if I'm interested in meeting....and that I'd suggested a few days ago, when he sent me a text asking if we could talk...and I told him yes, we could talk on the phone this weekend...but apparently he forgot that. Explained that I'm big on communication, there are a lot of nuts on dating sites and I need to feel I have a pretty good 'sense' of someone before agreeing to meet. He, of course, texted me 3.4 minutes later apologizing, telling me he hoped I wasn't offended, that he's more the type to talk face to face and asked if we could talk on the phone last night. He sent a similar email seconds later telling me he understood where I was coming from and did I want to talk on the phone? Frankly, by that point I'd lost interest. Way too complicated for something that should be relatively easy. Perhaps he's a control freak and just expects things done his way and on his terms. Good for him if he is but I don't subscribe to that narrowminded way of thinking. I've absolutely never ever, in my time of internet dating, ever experienced this. To be honest, this is the first time I've even given someone my cell # and texted with them. I won't be making that mistake again until I've met in person and have determined whether I'm interested. Lesson learned. In the past how it's gone is that I connect with someone on a site, we exchange a couple of basic emails there....comment on one another's profiles...end up emailing privately to share more.......then after a week or 2 we agree to chat on the phone......depending how that goes, we then mutually decide if we should meet. I think this is how most people do it? If this guy was married for many years, perhaps he's just out of touch with how things work now? He has 2 teenagers, I'm sure they're texting fiends.....maybe he thinks that's just "the way" people communicate nowadays? I have no idea. I'm not interested in figuring it out. Actually I see he just emailed me. I haven't opened it nor do I plan on it. And you're right sanskrit, if he was interested enough, he simply could have just phoned as he obviously has my number. Duh. Way too complicated and silly, for something that should just be a whole lot simpler. Perhaps he ISN'T a good typer (which I don't buy because he's sure able to rattle off those perfectly spelled texts (with the odd typo) pretty quickly on his blackberry. It's ironic; I belong to a different dating site and because this happened soooooo many times, I actually included a little "note" in my profile to explain something to the effect of.........."if you're on this site to meet someone and you think that after we exchange 1.2 emails that you can just send me your cell # and tell me to call you because you hate typing, if your phone doesn't ring it's me." You get out of a relationship what you put into it and if you start right out of the gate by being too lazy to share a bit about yourself and expect the woman to just call you up immediately, a complete stranger, then you've got a few screws loose. IMO.
sanskrit Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Perhaps he ISN'T a good typer (which I don't buy because he's sure able to rattle off those perfectly spelled texts (with the odd typo) pretty quickly on his blackberry. I think it's more likely he has a voice like Elmer Fudd or Bart Simpson, and knows it and/or extremely conversationally challenged, not that he is necessarily shady. He's probably scared to death and texting allows him to communicate without fear of rejection. AWWWWWWWW! Now don't you want to give him another chance? :lmao:
OliveOyl Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Just meet. You'll clear it all up in 1-2 hours vs. hours of texting and emailing.
Author ladyinlimbo Posted May 15, 2011 Author Posted May 15, 2011 Just meet. You'll clear it all up in 1-2 hours vs. hours of texting and emailing. Truly can't be bothered, Olive. It's too late for me. Why choose online dating as a way to try and meet someone if you're so adverse to typing? That's a cop-out. Texting back and forth for 2 weeks with someone you don't even know is weird. I suggested we talk on the phone but oh no, let's just meet at a bar. Not. I made it abundantly clear that I am choosy and careful, I've had some wacko experiences; that I've been single for the past 2 years by choice, that I am not desperate and don't "need" a man in my life.....but will welcome one if he's a decent match. Even when I emailed him and told him point blank that I'm not a texter and find that to be a very ineffective way to have a serious discussion (he was asking me a couple of big heavy relationship questions), he still continued to text me. That should have been my cue to exit stage left. Either not too sharp, or issues w/ reading comprehension. Or then again, maybe he's already involved and texting is the only 'convenient' way to be communicating with someone on the side and not get busted. Ahh, whatever. I need someone who is open and communicative, who doesn't make lame excuses. We're simply not compatible.
orion1010 Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 I wouldn't call it drama. I just think it's really weird that people our age would expect others they meet on a dating site to just meet for a drink and not even want to learn more prior to meeting, to really DETERMINE if there's enough in common to even want to meet? ......and at least talk on the phone once first. You can tell a lot about someone by talking on the phone......how well the conversation flows........their ability to articulate........are they arrogant........do they talk only about themselves and ask you nothing.........do they have a mouth like a trucker.........do they have a similar sense of humor or are they as dry and un-funny as it gets, etc etc. I guess you're right though..........things should flow a lot better in the beginning and if he was a decent/potential match for me, I wouldn't even be here posting about this all because it simply wouldn't even be an issue. I guess sometimes I just second-guess myself because like I wrote, I'm quick to write someone off if I think it's pointless or they're not on the same page....but then worry if sometimes I have prematurely written someone "good" off. Hard to know where to draw the line sometimes. I agree with ladyinlimbo. the guy that i was seeing was only a texter. after 4 dates. stilll not even one phone call. only texting. made it very hard and was furstrating when anything serious came up. I'm like you and don't want to waste time so a quick phone call would be great over two hours of texting. I would move on as well. you sound very centered and secure in your life and that is admirable. i would move on and find somone more like you. Thats what im trying to do.
Author ladyinlimbo Posted May 15, 2011 Author Posted May 15, 2011 LOL. Well it seems I dodged a bullet. I think this guy is a pathological liar. His FB profile isn't private. I checked it out. It told a lot. 1. He told me specifically that he has 2 kids (teens), a son and daughter. He actually has 3 daughters and a son. 2. He claimed he was in a relationship from Aug to "just after Xmas" but he ended it because she got herself into a financial pickle and demanded to move in with him. His profile shows he got into a relationship with someone in early Nov 2010 and ended it with her in Feb of this year; and she remains a friend and very flirty in her response to him still. 3. He told me he'd met only one women off of EHarm. in person, that was last June but he ended it because she was too much of a "party girl/into the bar scene." I wonder if one of his album pics of a clearly drunk girl pulling her shirt down with the title "party girl" is her? Or......she seems to be the same girl in one of his wall pic albums no less, of a girl lying back in a jacuzzi tub playing with her boobs and looking drunk.............yet he commented on the pic "a whore is still a whore." Nice. And 2 of his children post on his wall, and would see this. And frankly, she looks like the gal who he recently ended things with who still seems to flirt with him. Now why she'd remain friends with a guy who would post nekkid pics of her like that, with that one comment, beyond me. 4. Most of his pics include him partying, drinking, etc. 5. A lot of his status updates are posts from his Blackberry making references to drinking, and a lot of fairly tacky comments with regard to women. Today he posted a pic of himself drinking a can of beer, a mobile upload. Wow, how old are we now? Might expect that from a 20 yr old, not a 40 something father to *4* kids including 3 teenagers. Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo not my type. I wouldn't be at all surprised now if the reason he's had such a major aversion to emailing or talking on the phone is because he's a player. Thanks everyone.
Author ladyinlimbo Posted May 15, 2011 Author Posted May 15, 2011 crap how come I can't seem to edit?
rayne05us Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 I would definitely just tell him you're not feeling it. He's pressuring you too much and he wants this waaaay too much. Definitely a red flag. Your instincts are kicking in the bad vibe you're feeling shouldn't be ingnored. Most people wouldn't text "Did I scare you" if he hadn't scared someone in the past you know what I'm saying?
Author ladyinlimbo Posted May 15, 2011 Author Posted May 15, 2011 I would definitely just tell him you're not feeling it. He's pressuring you too much and he wants this waaaay too much. Definitely a red flag. Your instincts are kicking in the bad vibe you're feeling shouldn't be ingnored. Most people wouldn't text "Did I scare you" if he hadn't scared someone in the past you know what I'm saying? Rayne, I totally know what you're saying and I agree. But read up above, my update about his FB profile. The guy is a dog and a liar....and doesn't seem to have much respect for women, at least on his profile there. Can we say trailer trash?
GG3 Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 LadyInLimbo, you sound like me. I don't think that he's got issues with communication. This guy is pretty typical with what I've come across with online dating which is why I have quit. I joined eharmony for the same reasons you are describing. I thought it was a more serious site. I want to get to know someone from a distance and determine if we are even remotely compatible before meeting. I don't even want to talk on the phone until I at least know we have common interests and goals or we've emailed enough that I feel like I know enough that I would even want more. But I have found that most people in online dating very quickly want a phone number or to meet. I think maybe some of them are just very quickly trying to determine if there is any chemistry before wasting time emailing or just find a hookup. I have given up on it though because I'm sick of it. I'm trying to meet people the more old fashioned way...through social groups and activities.
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