Divorce and leaving with OW now, or staying in loveless marriage and leaving later

[Stuck in Vertigo]

Well, the wife and I are have been spending a lot of time together. Dating like we used to do when we were younger. All that romantic stuff that we apparently forgot about. Counselling has been beneficial for both of us.

 

A lot of talking on the phone about our futures and where we want to be by the end of next year.

 

I think that the above two factors played a large role in her affair and also my later resentment. Neither of us knew how to communicate very well before this separation. And a lot of the romance just faded away. Of course, I do wish that she had spoken to me about our problems instead of sleeping with her boss. On the plus side, I'm feeling far less resentful towards her. We've both been unloading all of the skeletons in our closet and they're basically empty now. There is a lot of regret on both our ends.

 

Pseudo-OW is pretty much out of my mind.

 

Even though I miss my son, I am hesitant to move back in. I do miss the family home though. I don't want to end up deciding that I wish to leave again and hurting my wife for a second time. She's been very patient through this, which is something that I appreciate. Although she acknowledges that she is a little anxious. Ditto for me.

 

I'm not really afraid of divorce. I've started over with absolutely nothing on me in the past. But I feel different now. Happy for myself and happy for my wife. I haven't thought like that for quite a while so it is very appreciated.

 

I'm suspecting though, that if things with OW would've worked out more to your advantage, the following-through part would've been easier and faster.

I've thought about this. In the end, I decided that it would have needlessly complicated matters to get involved with her. But maybe you are right. I guess I'm more dedicated to my wife than I thought though.

 

I've also told my wife about this thread, so that she can have a read if she wants (hello Kay).

 

Mostly I'm just typing all of this to myself. It sounds pretty sappy when I read over it.

[Stuck in Vertigo]

These feelings are so common and its best that the process is slow. It gives you time to think. I remember after D-day with my H's EA, he was pretty convinced that he needed to leave me and that it was me that was his problem with our marriage. He needed to go out of town and he was gone for nearly two weeks. I looked forward to the time apart so that I could think (I do that best without the distraction of the feelings of others). We did a lot of talking on the phone. Apparently, he did a lot of talking with his (supposedly former) OW as well.

 

But something changed. We were able to be more open and honest because our marriage was on the line. He'd already said he wanted a divorce, so we might as well have been honest about anything else at that point. And we were. And he decided that he saw us married in his future as well.

 

That was six years ago. We are still together and much better than we were back then. But I think its my turn to have a crisis of being this time.

 

Good luck, OP. And take your time. Rushing will only lead you to the wrong place quicker.

 

Yes. I do see quite a few parallels there...

 

One thing I have learnt from this whole mess is that both my wife and I are quite inexperienced when it comes to the more complicated aspects of relationships. The fact that I had jumped back and forth a lot on thread is a good example of how screwed up I was in the past couple of months.

 

I think that this time apart is good for the sanity of myself and my wife.

Edited July 14, 2011 by Stuck in Vertigo

[JaneyAmazed]

Yes. I do see quite a few parallels there...

 

One thing I have learnt from this whole mess is that both my wife and I are quite inexperienced when it comes to the more complicated aspects of relationships. The fact that I had jumped back and forth a lot on thread is a good example of how screwed up I was in the past couple of months.

 

I think that this time apart is good for the sanity of myself and my wife.

 

After all that's been going on in your life, I would be suspicious if you didn't sound screwed up. I've been posting since January, and I hate reading some of my posts because we go through a whole range of emotions when we don't know what the future holds for our marriage. I admire and respect you so much after reading this thread. You are are the real deal. A lot of people would have too much pride to be this honest, but that's exactly what helps other people in similar situations. It helps to see the range of emotions that you have experienced. It doesn't help anyone to sugarcoat our lives and make everything fit into a nice, neat package. Thank you for sharing your experiences and feelings. Keep posting, please!

[KathyM]

Okay everyone, here's my story...

 

About 3 years ago my wife told me she was having an affair with her boss. As you can imagine, I went through hell for the next few months. I was always loyal and trusting of her throughout the marriage. I really did love her.

 

The wife did show me that she was willing to try and work on our marriage by quitting her job, going to MC, and being completely open and honest. She was willing to do anything for my forgiveness, and we both wanted the marriage to survive. I thought that we were able to work everything out and that I able to move on from this situation. For quite a few reasons, I doubt she is still having an affair in the present.

 

So a year ago I had a bit of an epiphany. I hadn't forgiven my wife, I doubt that I could ever forgive her, and I didn't love her anymore. To be honest, I don't really see her as my wife anymore. I haven't told her this yet. As far as I am aware, she thinks that everything is normal. All the hugs and kisses, and "I love you"s are artificial on my part.

 

I have been considering divorce for a while now, but there are a few things that are stopping me. I have an 11 year old son that I really don't want to put in that situation. I've been reading up on some books and articles, and talking to a few friends about this subject and it seems like I would be placing a lot of stress and hurt on his shoulders that could wait until he is older. For more selfish reasons, I despise the idea of becoming a weekend Dad, which my divorce lawyer tells me is likely. I think it would kill me, if my son started calling another man "Dad". I know that if I divorced my wife, I would end up hemorrhaging money, and losing the house. Maybe I'm just procrastinating.

 

I've also gotten into what I guess is an exit affair over the past few months. I've been close friends with a female co-worker for around 14 years. Out of respect and love for my wife, I never would have crossed any lines with the co-worker. Now that the respect and love is gone, things are different. We haven't done anything physical yet but I do care about the OW more than my own wife.

 

I have every intention of leaving my wife for the OW. My dilemma is whether I should just bite the bullet and get a divorce now or wait until my son is older and more independent, which could take 7 or 8 years.

 

I feel incredibly lost right now, and could really use some advice.

It's extremely hard to recover when a spouse is unfaithful. It ruins the bond and the trust that is so vital in a marriage. I can understand your feelings. My sister went through the same thing, and her marriage could not survive it. It's unfortunate for your son that his parents have messed up his life with infidelity. But I think you would be wise to leave now, before your affair becomes known to your wife and son. If there had been no infidelity on the part of your wife, my advice would be different. I would say to stop contact with that OW and save your marriage. But your wife was the unfaithful one to begin with, and it understandably ruined your love and trust for her. Leave now, before more damage is done.

[JaneyAmazed]

I forgot to say this. If you do continue to work on your marriage, through baby steps or however is best for you, you and your wife have to be able start at some point with a clean slate. In other words, if and when the slate is clean and all is forgiven, the blame game (excuses, justification based on what has already been forgiven) is over. Otherwise, the wound will keep getting reopened. I hope that made sense. Maybe what I've said obvious though. I guess I just see it as being a very important part of reconciliation.

[JaneyAmazed]

Don't put the burden on the betrayed spouse of cleaning the slate and forgiving. The cheater has the obligation to go way more than half way.

 

That makes no sense. I wasn't saying the WS shouldn't go more the half the way. If and when a BS chooses to forgive is his/her choice. In this case, they were both betrayed.

 

Besides, If you go back and read, they both were unfaithful. He (an EA) and she (a PA).

 

"...you and your wife have to be able start at some point with a clean slate." This is what I said. This doesn't put the burden on him alone. That whole post was for both of them, not just him.

Edited July 15, 2011 by JaneyAmazed

[Stuck in Vertigo]

I forgot to say this. If you do continue to work on your marriage, through baby steps or however is best for you, you and your wife have to be able start at some point with a clean slate. In other words, if and when the slate is clean and all is forgiven, the blame game (excuses, justification based on what has already been forgiven) is over. Otherwise, the wound will keep getting reopened. I hope that made sense. Maybe what I've said obvious though. I guess I just see it as being a very important part of reconciliation.

 

We don't plan on sweeping any of this under the rug, but yes, you are correct. Both of us have to move forward with our lives eventually. No blame games from either of us though. That isn't going to solve anything in the long run.

 

We both tried the dishonesty and poor communication route. Didn't like it at all.

 

That makes no sense. I wasn't saying the WS shouldn't go more the half the way. If and when a BS chooses to forgive is his/her choice. In this case, they were both betrayed.

 

Besides, If you go back and read, they both were unfaithful. He (an EA) and she (a PA).

 

"...you and your wife have to be able start at some point with a clean slate." This is what I said. This doesn't put the burden on him alone. That whole post was for both of them, not just him.

We're both going at 100% with this in terms of effort of course. My wife has always been a bit of a try-hard.

 

It's been a rough three years on my end. I've toughened up emotionally quite a bit.

 

One thing I do find unusual is that my wife doesn't consider my actions to be unfaithful. Basically because nothing physical happened. At the most, there was some light flirting from me. I would say that it was an EA though. I suppose our opinions just differ on this.

 

Hope things work out for you, Janey.

[Stuck in Vertigo]

It's extremely hard to recover when a spouse is unfaithful. It ruins the bond and the trust that is so vital in a marriage. I can understand your feelings. My sister went through the same thing, and her marriage could not survive it. It's unfortunate for your son that his parents have messed up his life with infidelity. But I think you would be wise to leave now, before your affair becomes known to your wife and son. If there had been no infidelity on the part of your wife, my advice would be different. I would say to stop contact with that OW and save your marriage. But your wife was the unfaithful one to begin with, and it understandably ruined your love and trust for her. Leave now, before more damage is done.

 

I agree with your first two sentences.

 

Sorry about your sister. Is she in a better place in her life now?

 

My wife already knows about my EA. I see reconciliation as a chance for both of us to unload our secrets and get everything out in the open. Pretty much the only way both of us will be able to find some form of closure. I've also accepted the chance that our reconciliation will fail horribly. If that happens, so be it.

 

There is a trust issue, but I still love her. There just happens to be a lot of pent up resentment. This time apart has provided a release. I have left my wife physically. I suppose that emotionally, I'm still there.

 

Appreciate your view, even if it isn't the most encouraging one.

 

Don't put the burden on the betrayed spouse of cleaning the slate and forgiving. The cheater has the obligation to go way more than half way.

 

I know exactly what you mean. There is a lot of weight on my shoulders.

 

Tough luck for her. She's not posting

I might be able to talk her into doing that actually.

[Where To]

Your story sounds similar to my own in many ways.

 

It sounds like you are progressing at a natural pace so there isn't much advice I can give you.

 

I hope that you do better with your reconciliation than I did with my own attempt. Good luck.

[Stuck in Vertigo]

Well, I had an eventful five days. I intend on moving back in by next month.

 

My wife and I are fixing up all the holes in our marriage that led to this whole mess. A repeat is the last thing we want.

 

So it's not a happy ending just yet. It could be much worse though.

[Glinda]

Well, I had an eventful five days. I intend on moving back in by next month.

 

My wife and I are fixing up all the holes in our marriage that led to this whole mess. A repeat is the last thing we want.

 

So it's not a happy ending just yet. It could be much worse though.

In continuance of your other thread. I would suggest you have the proposed meeting with the ex-OW before moving back in. You both might need some space to process afterwards.

[NoIDidn't]

In continuance of your other thread. I would suggest you have the proposed meeting with the ex-OW before moving back in. You both might need some space to process afterwards.

 

I agree. Its likely to open some new wounds.

[wheelwright]

I think it is incredibly cruel to stay with someone but quietly intend to leave them years later. A or no.

 

I can understand it may be necessary for a while - weeks rather than months - while an individual gets their head together.

 

A betrayal involving years of another's life, while they are getting older and more and more likely to be consigned to a lonely old age.

 

Such a scenario needs to be mutually accepted. I think the A is almost irrelevant, except for the added imbalance in the current power.

 

No-one deserves that level of disrespect.

[whichwayisup]

Editted..

 

Focus on reconnecting with your wife and take things one day at a time. Get to know her again and do counselling too.

Edited July 21, 2011 by whichwayisup

[Stuck in Vertigo]

In continuance of your other thread. I would suggest you have the proposed meeting with the ex-OW before moving back in. You both might need some space to process afterwards.

 

That's the plan.

 

I think it is incredibly cruel to stay with someone but quietly intend to leave them years later. A or no.

 

In all honesty, I have been on the fence about this. I still love my wife (despite the title of this thread) but I've been incredibly torn.

 

Focus on reconnecting with your wife and take things one day at a time. Get to know her again and do counselling too.

 

Exactly what we're doing.