Divorce and leaving with OW now, or staying in loveless marriage and leaving later

May 17, 2011

I see...

The true question is, WHY is this dude still M? They both checked out a while ago. People really create their own misery.

Now there is a 3rd person involved (poor chick) that is going to be taken for a little ride. Tst, tsk, tsk. It would be interesting to know, how serious his OW is about their "thang". Hope is not someone like Ol' good Lizzie. LOL! (Where in the world is she nowadays?)

Because he is indecisive? It is obvious that he is going to leave sooner or later.

May 17, 2011

Because he is indecisive? It is obvious that he is going to leave sooner or later.

Wonder when his indecisiveness kicked in? When his W cheated or when he cheated?

May 17, 2011

Unfortunately, the journey to forgiveness is sometimes long and many give up mid-trip. Lesson to be learned, do not say you have forgiven-if you have no idea what forgiving requires of you.

This really fits in perfectly with my situation. Just don't make the same mistakes I did I guess.

The true question is, WHY is this dude still M? They both checked out a while ago. People really create their own misery.

I don't think my wife has checked out yet but I don't really know. Why am I still married? Because I wanted to try my hardest to forgive my wife. We have a lot of history together. While I may not love her as a wife, I still care about her as a person and I wanted to do everything I could for her. Didn't work out for us.

Because he is indecisive? It is obvious that he is going to leave sooner or later.

You've got me there. But I've made my choice now.

I spoke to my wife about the reasons for my unhappiness last night. While I haven't mentioned another woman or the divorce yet, she knows where things are heading. She isn't taking it well.

Nothing I can do but be patient for now. I wish it hadn't come to this.

May 17, 2011

You've got me there. But I've made my choice now.

I spoke to my wife about the reasons for my unhappiness last night. While I haven't mentioned another woman or the divorce yet, she knows where things are heading. She isn't taking it well.

Nothing I can do but be patient for now. I wish it hadn't come to this.

Well, since you have already made your choice (and i presume it is to get out of your M), there is no reason not to tell her.

Once you tell your wife that it is over, you are free to pursue any woman you want, with or without her knowledge. Just make that step so you can have a clear conscious in all your action.

May 17, 2011

Well, since you have already made your choice (and i presume it is to get out of your M), there is no reason not to tell her.

Once you tell your wife that it is over, you are free to pursue any woman you want, with or without her knowledge. Just make that step so you can have a clear conscious in all your action.

I should clarify. I didn't explicitly say that we were getting a divorce to her, but she knows.

May 17, 2011

I should clarify. I didn't explicitly say that we were getting a divorce to her, but she knows.

I would council (and just a disclaimer, i am a random person on the internet, so take my advice with a grain of salt and apply some logic to see if what i say make sense) that you should clarify your intention.

It may be hard, but it leaves you in the clear in terms of your consciousness. You don't want her, later, to drag out how you *also* cheat on her. Once you tell her that you no longer are a husband to her, and that you intend to pursue other women, from that point on, whatever you do, is NOT cheating.

May 17, 2011

I would council (and just a disclaimer, i am a random person on the internet, so take my advice with a grain of salt and apply some logic to see if what i say make sense) that you should clarify your intention.

It may be hard, but it leaves you in the clear in terms of your consciousness. You don't want her, later, to drag out how you *also* cheat on her. Once you tell her that you no longer are a husband to her, and that you intend to pursue other women, from that point on, whatever you do, is NOT cheating.

Excellent advice. Tell her and end this quickly. Yes, she may be sad but it is better to rip the bandaid off quickly. If she knows this is coming then it shouldn't be a complete shock to her.

May 18, 2011

Yeah, I agree also.

It'd be better for all concerned if you took some time before getting into another relationship. I'm sure you know that its best to have some time alone to readjust, heal and allow the echoes of your marriage to fade before getting into anything else. And not only for you and your soon to be ex wife, but for the OW and your relationship with her too.

Well done on making the decision. As difficult as it may be to deal with, dealing with the fall out of an affair is far worse - as you know

I actually would disagree. It depends on the circumstances. Once the OP has made it clear to the WS that their relationship is over, he is clear to pursue anyone.

In that case, it is not always better to wait .. depending on if the other person is available, likely to go away, and depends on if the OP is ready. While the OP has not communicated to his WS yet, he may have made up his mind long ago, and in that sense, he is psychological ready to move on.

May 18, 2011

I should clarify. I didn't explicitly say that we were getting a divorce to her, but she knows.

Nice halfassed job bro! So what exactly was she supposed to know out of something that you didn't say?

May 18, 2011

I actually would disagree. It depends on the circumstances. Once the OP has made it clear to the WS that their relationship is over, he is clear to pursue anyone.

In that case, it is not always better to wait .. depending on if the other person is available, likely to go away, and depends on if the OP is ready. While the OP has not communicated to his WS yet, he may have made up his mind long ago, and in that sense, he is psychological ready to move on.

Nice! This is how people go around in life as a bulldozer going around the block. Dragging down everything in sight.

May 18, 2011

Nice! This is how people go around in life as a bulldozer going around the block. Dragging down everything in sight.

I am sure you are the "expert" of everyone's life and what will or will not dragging down everything sight.

If he is not cheating (by ending things with his soon-to-be ex-wife), I don't see any reason why he should not go about pursuing anyone he sees fit. Waiting is just a courtesy that he has no obligation to provide.

May 18, 2011

I am sure you are the "expert" of everyone's life and what will or will not dragging down everything sight.

If he is not cheating (by ending things with his soon-to-be ex-wife), I don't see any reason why he should not go about pursuing anyone he sees fit. Waiting is just a courtesy that he has no obligation to provide.

I wonder, are you reading what everyone else is. This guy is married and has already been having an EA with someone at his office. How is this him not cheating? Then he tells (but really didn't tell his W) that he wants a D. And you are telling him he owes his wife no explanation and he is free to go be with whoever. Literally, he ain't free to be with noone till the ink is dry, if you want to be technical.

Save the snarky comments for someone who cares...

Deuces!

May 18, 2011

Well, my d-lawyer has done all that he can to cover my ass...

Last night I told my wife that I haven't forgiven her for her infidelity and that I'm going to divorce her. I also said that I have no intentions of being faithful and that I wouldn't mind if she did what she had to do too (some irony there). She's been pretty unstable all morning so I've taken the day off work.

You know, I can say without a doubt that I wouldn't have seen any of this coming four years ago. We were talking about having another child back then. The idea of my wife cheating on me was unimaginable, and the idea of me sneaking behind her back was equally so.

It is all over though. We just have to keep our son's welfare in mind for now.

May 18, 2011

Well, my d-lawyer has done all that he can to cover my ass...

Last night I told my wife that I haven't forgiven her for her infidelity and that I'm going to divorce her. I also said that I have no intentions of being faithful and that I wouldn't mind if she did what she had to do too (some irony there). She's been pretty unstable all morning so I've taken the day off work.

You know, I can say without a doubt that I wouldn't have seen any of this coming four years ago. We were talking about having another child back then. The idea of my wife cheating on me was unimaginable, and the idea of me sneaking behind her back was equally so.

It is all over though. We just have to keep our son's welfare in mind for now.

I applaud your honesty to yourself, and your wife. Someday, when you look back, you will NEVER regret having taken the high road.

I wish you peace.

May 18, 2011

Well, my d-lawyer has done all that he can to cover my ass...

Last night I told my wife that I haven't forgiven her for her infidelity and that I'm going to divorce her. I also said that I have no intentions of being faithful and that I wouldn't mind if she did what she had to do too (some irony there). She's been pretty unstable all morning so I've taken the day off work.

You know, I can say without a doubt that I wouldn't have seen any of this coming four years ago. We were talking about having another child back then. The idea of my wife cheating on me was unimaginable, and the idea of me sneaking behind her back was equally so.

It is all over though. We just have to keep our son's welfare in mind for now.

At least everything is now on the table. Taking care of your child is what the focus should be for both of you.

May 18, 2011

Yeah, I guess I just needed a little push. It's amazing what can happen in the span of one week.

I didn't want to let go I suppose. Think of every happy moment in your own relationship and cross it with the events of d-day and everything that it implies. That's basically what I've been feeling for three years.

One thing my wife said to me this morning that stuck out, was that she was acting the same way I did when I confronted her about the affair. I'm inclined to agree.

May 19, 2011

I wonder, are you reading what everyone else is. This guy is married and has already been having an EA with someone at his office. How is this him not cheating? Then he tells (but really didn't tell his W) that he wants a D. And you are telling him he owes his wife no explanation and he is free to go be with whoever. Literally, he ain't free to be with noone till the ink is dry, if you want to be technical.

Save the snarky comments for someone who cares...

Deuces!

I wonder if you have read my post before responding. And i quote

"Once the OP has made it clear to the WS that their relationship is over, he is clear to pursue anyone."

How would that be cheating if he makes clear to the WS?

Or you don't understand the use of "if" .. "once .." .. i.e. conditionals? If you actually read my posts, i was suggesting he should make it clear to her asap .. and it won't be cheating AFTER that happens.

May 19, 2011

Well, my d-lawyer has done all that he can to cover my ass...

Last night I told my wife that I haven't forgiven her for her infidelity and that I'm going to divorce her. I also said that I have no intentions of being faithful and that I wouldn't mind if she did what she had to do too (some irony there). She's been pretty unstable all morning so I've taken the day off work.

You know, I can say without a doubt that I wouldn't have seen any of this coming four years ago. We were talking about having another child back then. The idea of my wife cheating on me was unimaginable, and the idea of me sneaking behind her back was equally so.

It is all over though. We just have to keep our son's welfare in mind for now.

Good job. Hang in there.

BTW, you are totally free now. I would suggest, for your own benefit, try to put your ex-wife out of your mind asap. Do something nice for yourself. Go talk to the girl that you like.

I also subscribe to the oxygen mask idea. Make sure you are happy. That will help promote your son's welfare.

May 19, 2011

I wonder if you have read my post before responding. And i quote

"Once the OP has made it clear to the WS that their relationship is over, he is clear to pursue anyone."

How would that be cheating if he makes clear to the WS?

Or you don't understand the use of "if" .. "once .." .. i.e. conditionals? If you actually read my posts, i was suggesting he should make it clear to her asap .. and it won't be cheating AFTER that happens.

But he didn't - until the post ^^^^ this one. Now, it applies.

June 15, 2011

I wonder if you can say- "Put that in your pipe and smoke it!"

June 19, 2011

Well, I'm staying at a motel near work. It feels different to say the least.

Nothing really came about with the OW. Nothing physical anyway. I chose not to involve her in my own problems and end things before they began. She's been very understanding, fortunately for me.

This past month has been very useful for me. I've been able to focus on myself and clear my head, which is something I couldn't do at home. I've been thinking a lot about my wife and the marriage, my son, as well as where I want to be in the future.

I have been talking over the phone with my wife. We've been able to communicate more over the phone than we have in the past few years. Quite a bit of pent up resentment has been unloaded on my side. She's been very understanding. I actually feel like the polar opposite of the man I was last month. It has all been very cathartic.

I have chosen not to file for separation just yet. We're setting up another session with the marriage counsellor and we're planning on going on a dinner date soon. We don't want to rush things though.

I have been reading over some of my posts and I realise that I said some hurtful things to my wife, that I really shouldn't have said.

I understand that this seems like I'm reverting to my indecisive ways and repeating the mistakes of the past, but the state of the marriage feels different now. It's hard to explain unless you've been in my position. Now that I have some space, I don't have to pretend or hold things in. I sort of feel like I can finally let go of the past and focus on the future. And I think that I want to be with my wife in this future.

June 19, 2011

Um...

To the people that have attempted reconciliation, is there any advice you could give? I've been reading up on some threads here which have provided insight but still...it's a slow process.

June 19, 2011

Thanks a lot..

June 19, 2011

It often happens that as soon as reality kicks in, the decision seems too painful. Like when you moved to the motel, you probably missed what you had: a family life, your son under the same roof, a nice house, etc. As soon as you actually take the painful step you've been contemplating for so long after a traumatic experience (betrayal in your case, and your own attraction to OW), you see the reality and how it changes everything in the future. I'm sure that if the suffering gets tough enough, you'll be ready to follow through. You might never get there, and that can be a good thing (in terms of working on the M). I'm suspecting though, that if things with OW would've worked out more to your advantage, the following-through part would've been easier and faster.

June 20, 2011

Well, I'm staying at a motel near work. It feels different to say the least.

Nothing really came about with the OW. Nothing physical anyway. I chose not to involve her in my own problems and end things before they began. She's been very understanding, fortunately for me.

This past month has been very useful for me. I've been able to focus on myself and clear my head, which is something I couldn't do at home. I've been thinking a lot about my wife and the marriage, my son, as well as where I want to be in the future.

I have been talking over the phone with my wife. We've been able to communicate more over the phone than we have in the past few years. Quite a bit of pent up resentment has been unloaded on my side. She's been very understanding. I actually feel like the polar opposite of the man I was last month. It has all been very cathartic.

I have chosen not to file for separation just yet. We're setting up another session with the marriage counsellor and we're planning on going on a dinner date soon. We don't want to rush things though.

I have been reading over some of my posts and I realise that I said some hurtful things to my wife, that I really shouldn't have said.

I understand that this seems like I'm reverting to my indecisive ways and repeating the mistakes of the past, but the state of the marriage feels different now. It's hard to explain unless you've been in my position. Now that I have some space, I don't have to pretend or hold things in. I sort of feel like I can finally let go of the past and focus on the future. And I think that I want to be with my wife in this future.

These feelings are so common and its best that the process is slow. It gives you time to think. I remember after D-day with my H's EA, he was pretty convinced that he needed to leave me and that it was me that was his problem with our marriage. He needed to go out of town and he was gone for nearly two weeks. I looked forward to the time apart so that I could think (I do that best without the distraction of the feelings of others). We did a lot of talking on the phone. Apparently, he did a lot of talking with his (supposedly former) OW as well.

But something changed. We were able to be more open and honest because our marriage was on the line. He'd already said he wanted a divorce, so we might as well have been honest about anything else at that point. And we were. And he decided that he saw us married in his future as well.

That was six years ago. We are still together and much better than we were back then. But I think its my turn to have a crisis of being this time.

Good luck, OP. And take your time. Rushing will only lead you to the wrong place quicker.

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