Divorce and leaving with OW now, or staying in loveless marriage and leaving later

[crazycatlady]

I'm pretty sure she "planned her future" when she had the affair. He owes her nothing, other than a clean exit.

 

If he had done this before engaging in an EA and wasn't already planning a future with someone else, I would agree with you. However, he is in an EA, the EA I'm betting is the actual source of the epiphany, and he does owe her something.

[Spark1111]

When all the legal bases have been covered for myself and my son. What can I say, I don't think it would be a good idea to walk over eggshells for my wife, after what she has done to me.

 

How is telling her the truth of your feelings similiar to walking over eggshells?

 

Didn't you say she seems remorseful, is no longer seeing the OM, and has tried to do everything right by you, as far as you can tell?

 

You say about a year ago you realized you didn't love her. Did this correspond to meeting or developing feelings for your OW? Is this when you allowed, or used the affair to anger you? Two years after the fact?

 

Didn't you say all the I love yous and kisses have seemed artificial, in fact, deceptive on your part, because you realized a year ago that they were not true for you?

 

Look, two wrongs do not make a right. Live your life with integrity. You will never regret it.

 

I applaud you for making the decision to end your marriage. The fact that it is NOW predicated on developing feelings for someone else makes it seem all a little suspect, but you should be commended for making a plan to exit and allowing your wife the freedom to grieve her marriage and find someone to love her also.

 

you realized you could not forgive her, and are moving on. I realize this is no easy decision to make, especially as your son is involved and you obviously care deeply for him.

 

FBS here, just like you, and I know this with a certainty: There is no good time to break this news, but the sooner the better, IMHO.

 

I told my H, after discovering his infidelity, that I COULD never do to him what he had done to me.

 

That if I EVER developed feelings for another, or thought our marriage was over, I would be HONEST with him IMMEDIATELY. We could separate, go to counseling, see if we even had a marraige worth saving or not, but I would be honest about all.

 

I am concerned your wife will feel blind-sided: You will have already spoken to the attorney, "covered your bases" and started making plans to be with your new woman.

 

When will she discover this? When she is served? Then she will discover your new woman? Then the s**t hits the fan? With your loved son in the middle of it all?

 

I mean if you want revenge, this is a pretty good scenario to exact it.

 

But if you want to show kindness to the mother of your child, I would speak with her first. I would be honest. Together we could formulate a timetable that would be in the best interest of our child. Everything would be open and above board.

 

But that's just me.

[Pamnacifiat]

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[LilyBart]

Alright, I've contacted my divorce lawyer and he will see what he can do by the end of the week. I agree that staying with the wife for 8 or 9 years is not realistic.

 

Thanks.

 

Stuck - hope my post helped?

 

Anyways, even though I'm not an expert or anything - I suggest just getting that divorce. No need to mention this OW, yes? Especially if W doesn't suspect. Especially since you've been good about keeping it non-physical with the OW.

 

There is ABSOLUTELY NO NEED to open that can of worms! Just makes things messier.

 

Let your "future life" develop on it's own - don't taint it with the "oh by the way there's someone else" discussion. Chalk up the divorce to the fact that SHE cheated. And you just can't get over it. Which is the truth (more or less).

 

Good luck!

[LilyBart]

I think what the OP is doing is rather scummy. I doubt he had his epiphany until the OW showed up.

 

LOL...yup. Funny how these epiphanies don't happen until you need to justify something, ain't it?

 

Epiphany: a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

 

I know you ladies might find it hard to believe - but sometimes you don't know what's missing in your life until you find it.

[LilyBart]

And when do you intend to inform your wife so that she too can plan her future?

 

When all the legal bases have been covered for myself and my son. What can I say, I don't think it would be a good idea to walk over eggshells for my wife, after what she has done to me.

 

Oops missed this. EXCELLENT PLAN.

 

Exactly. Who wants to walk over eggshells? No need to let the W know beforehand. And I'm not saying this because of "what she has done to you". I just think it's simpler this way. Less mess.

[Snowflower]

Hi vertigo, interesting thread.

 

Look, your wife confessed her affair and worked very hard with you to fix the damage she caused. By your own admission, she was transparent and tried to do everything right.

 

Don't you think she deserves the same consideration? Otherwise, she might try to tie herself into a pretzel trying to please you and beg you to reconsider the divorce.

 

There is no need to be cruel about it--and by your posts you don't seem like a cruel person by any means--just explain that your decision is in part due to her affair a few years ago and that you realize that you can no longer live that way. How much you tell her about the OW is up to you but if she asks if there is someone else, I think you should be honest.

 

Besides, wives aren't as stupid as some like to believe. What will your wife honestly think when your child/ren report that dad has a new girlfriend so quickly?

 

I'm sure your wife will be able to put it all together. Be honest and tell her the truth especially if she asks. Keep some of your integrity.

[tami-chan]

Oops missed this. EXCELLENT PLAN.

 

Exactly. Who wants to walk over eggshells? No need to let the W know beforehand. And I'm not saying this because of "what she has done to you". I just think it's simpler this way. Less mess.

 

Go for you, OP for being decisive(hooray for decisive men!). You are being smart about this whole thing. I agree with Lilybart, you have an excellent plan. Stick with it. You can't worry a lot about your stbxw-(but don't be an jerk about it either, she is still your son's mom). Bottom line, take care of you and your son, first. Good luck!!!

[Snowflower]

 

I know you ladies might find it hard to believe - but sometimes you don't know what's missing in your life until you find it.

 

Of course a BW would have no idea!

[tami-chan]

Hi vertigo, interesting thread.

 

Look, your wife confessed her affair and worked very hard with you to fix the damage she caused. By your own admission, she was transparent and tried to do everything right.

 

I am curious, OP, did your wife "confess" (out of the goodness of her heart) her affair to you? Did you discovery the affair? What were the choices available to her? Was the boss (xOM) single? could he have married her if she got divorced? How serious was their relationship?

[jsb58]

Chalk up the divorce to the fact that SHE cheated. And you just can't get over it. Which is the truth (more or less).

Yeah he should do that. Certainly wouldn't want him to be an adult about it would we? So much better to blameshift than admit one's own shortcomings.

[bentnotbroken]

Yeah he should do that. Certainly wouldn't want him to be an adult about it would we? So much better to blameshift than admit one's own shortcomings.

 

 

There is something quite sickening about blaming someone else for our choices:sick:. His wife cheated. I completely get that it is nauseating. Then he lead her to believe that he forgave her. He did the same thing she did even before he got involved with the OW. It is good to hear that he is going to a lawyer...but be upfront. The sneaky stuff doesn't make anything right because his wife did something wrong first.

[Snowflower]

Yeah he should do that. Certainly wouldn't want him to be an adult about it would we? So much better to blameshift than admit one's own shortcomings.

 

Touche.

 

I find it sad that the OP is being encouraged to blame-shift and avoid taking responsibility for his decisions.

[LilyBart]

Hi vertigo, interesting thread.

 

Look, your wife confessed her affair and worked very hard with you to fix the damage she caused. By your own admission, she was transparent and tried to do everything right.

 

Don't you think she deserves the same consideration? Otherwise, she might try to tie herself into a pretzel trying to please you and beg you to reconsider the divorce.

 

But if Vertigo is sure he wants a divorce, what difference is it going to make? No much. It wouldn't matter how much the stbxW is turning herself into a pretzel - if he wants out, he wants out. End of story.

 

Why would telling her about the EA change anything? It wouldn't. It would just make things messier and causing endless "discussions" - and quite frankly, who needs that?

 

There is no need to be cruel about it--and by your posts you don't seem like a cruel person by any means--just explain that your decision is in part due to her affair a few years ago and that you realize that you can no longer live that way. How much you tell her about the OW is up to you but if she asks if there is someone else, I think you should be honest.

 

I don't. It's not exactly lying because it's not like he has a full-blown A on his hands.

 

And even if he did, I would suggest keeping his mouth shut. No need to muddy the waters.

 

The issue at hand is not the AP. It's the fact that the M is dissolving and one person wants out. The other person can accept it and grant the D or not accept it and the D will go through anyway (given enough time).

 

Besides, wives aren't as stupid as some like to believe. What will your wife honestly think when your child/ren report that dad has a new girlfriend so quickly?

 

Whoa. I didn't bring up the S word - but what should we call someone who claims they had no clue, had no idea, didn't think anything was wrong and was COMPLETELY blindsided? Wanna go with clueless?

 

Because how can you be THAT out of touch with your spouse? How can you be THAT disconnected from what your spouse is feeling? How can you think your M is 100% happy....while your partner feels the opposite? Seriously.

 

But truth be told, I do not (and never will) believe a betrayed spouse who claims they had no idea.

 

I think it's total bulls**t and something said just to make the BS look better to others. That way they can play the oh-so-innocent victim to the big bad WS.

[bentnotbroken]

But if Vertigo is sure he wants a divorce, what difference is it going to make? No much. It wouldn't matter how much the stbxW is turning herself into a pretzel - if he wants out, he wants out. End of story.

 

Why would telling her about the EA change anything? It wouldn't. It would just make things messier and causing endless "discussions" - and quite frankly, who needs that?

 

 

 

I don't. It's not exactly lying because it's not like he has a full-blown A on his hands.

 

And even if he did, I would suggest keeping his mouth shut. No need to muddy the waters.

 

The issue at hand is not the AP. It's the fact that the M is dissolving and one person wants out. The other person can accept it and grant the D or not accept it and the D will go through anyway (given enough time).

 

 

 

Whoa. I didn't bring up the S word - but what should we call someone who claims they had no clue, had no idea, didn't think anything was wrong and was COMPLETELY blindsided? Wanna go with clueless?

 

Because how can you be THAT out of touch with your spouse? How can you be THAT disconnected from what your spouse is feeling? How can you think your M is 100% happy....while your partner feels the opposite? Seriously.

 

But truth be told, I do not (and never will) believe a betrayed spouse who claims they had no idea.

 

I think it's total bulls**t and something said just to make the BS look better to others. That way they can play the oh-so-innocent victim to the big bad WS.

 

 

How about trusting. That is what is supposed to happen between spouses. It is a sad statement that someone can take that trust, abuse it and then decide that it is okay to continue the abuse even after they decide to divorce by never having the guts to tell the truth or even acknowledge the fact that took something that can never be replaced.

[LilyBart]

How about trusting. That is what is supposed to happen between spouses.

 

Okay. Trusting. I get it - as in "I trust you won't cheat on me".

 

But regarding the blindsided BS, "trusting" does not include being non-cognizant of the STATE of your M. It does not include having your M run on autopilot, hoping it'll get to it's destination safely. It does not include sweeping things under the carpet or not bringing things up because it might rock the boat.

 

Maybe BS's are blindsided because they are BLIND to the fact that "trust" is only one component of a strong M. It shouldn't be the ONLY one.

 

It is a sad statement that someone can take that trust, abuse it and then decide that it is okay to continue the abuse even after they decide to divorce by never having the guts to tell the truth or even acknowledge the fact that took something that can never be replaced.

 

If the partner who leaves decides to never 'fess up - I would think it's called consistency. If they didn't mention anything during the M, why would they mention it while or after the M has ended? And if there is an AP involved, I'm willing to bet this 'fact' was agreed upon by the two of them.

 

And when you say "they took something that can never be replaced" what are you talking about?

[Stuck in Vertigo]

I am curious, OP, did your wife "confess" (out of the goodness of her heart) her affair to you? Did you discovery the affair? What were the choices available to her? Was the boss (xOM) single? could he have married her if she got divorced? How serious was their relationship?

Truth is, I already knew but I gave her a chance to confess, which she did. Confessed out of the goodness of her heart? Who knows why she did it. I pretty much gave up any chance of trying to understand her for a few months after D-day. What she said, and how she acted was obviously not one in the same at the time of the affair. She had a 6 month affair with the single boss. Probably could have left me for him if she wanted to.

 

I will say that she has seemingly worked hard to get back my trust. It is the only reason why I did everything I could to forgive her for over 2 years.

 

There is no need to be cruel about it--and by your posts you don't seem like a cruel person by any means--just explain that your decision is in part due to her affair a few years ago and that you realize that you can no longer live that way. How much you tell her about the OW is up to you but if she asks if there is someone else, I think you should be honest.

I'm being pragmatic. Not trying to be cruel or vengeful about it. I don't get any sort of pleasure out of being a jerk to the wife. The fact is, the only advantage I would have in our divorce is that I am the one initiating it. If I tell her anything and she is able to protect herself before I do, she would have a very large advantage over me in court. I know this, and divorce lawyer agrees.

 

I will agree that it isn't "fair" to the wife. But life is rarely fair.

 

Yeah he should do that. Certainly wouldn't want him to be an adult about it would we? So much better to blameshift than admit one's own shortcomings.

No blameshifting here. She cheated, and we both did our best to get work through it. I just can't forgive her. I don't love her anymore. That is my problem.

 

Because how can you be THAT out of touch with your spouse? How can you be THAT disconnected from what your spouse is feeling? How can you think your M is 100% happy....while your partner feels the opposite? Seriously.

Maybe she does know how I feel to some degree. Doesn't say anything though.

 

I certainly knew something was wrong during the beginning of her affair, but she wasn't being honest at the time. There was very little I could have done to stop her that I didn't already try.

 

How pitiful - you're going to leave "for" the OW? She's a friend from work with whom you haven't even been intimate, and you're going to "leave" for her?

For me, the marriage is already dead on an emotional level. I know now that I was miserable for the last three years. I only pursued the OW after I realised this. There is a very good chance that things won't work out for us. The OW and I have already discussed that.

[nyrias]

It is fairly obvious that the OP should divorce his wife asap. There is no point remaining in a relationship that the OP does not want.

 

However, I don't think dragging this third person into the mess (i.e. telling his wife) is a good idea. Sure, he may still harbor some guilt by not telling her .. but that prob would be minimal given how much he hates his wife now. Depending on which state he lives, telling her about this EA *may* have adverse legal consequences to him.

 

At the least he should talk to a lawyer asap. He is NOT aiming to rebuild his marriage. He is not aiming to be a respectable, truthful person to his wife. In fact, in the contrary, his wife just becomes the enemy now, if the divorce may become ugly.

[woinlove]

LilyBart, I'm surprised you can post on LS and not have learned more about the deception of affairs.

 

I understand how my MM deceived his W. Some people are really good at deception. Some can carry on with the kisses, laughter, love and sharing with their spouse and still have something going on with someone else. They compartmentalize. Some affairs start during a change, such as pregnancy, death of parent, serious illness, change of job, etc. The spouse is assured the changes are due to the event/change. There are lots of ways for deception to work if one puts together a trusting, faithful and loving spouse and a lying, straying spouse.

 

If you read LS, you will see how when one loves another, you tend to think the best of the object of your love, even when they are behaving badly. One sees this among OW/OM too - it certainly isn't confined to BS before they find out. In fact, the BS often has a longer positive history and is subject to more direct deception, making it easier to understand the BS reacting this way.

[Snowflower]

 

Because how can you be THAT out of touch with your spouse? How can you be THAT disconnected from what your spouse is feeling? How can you think your M is 100% happy....while your partner feels the opposite? Seriously.

 

But truth be told, I do not (and never will) believe a betrayed spouse who claims they had no idea.

 

I think it's total bulls**t and something said just to make the BS look better to others. That way they can play the oh-so-innocent victim to the big bad WS.

 

Okay, while I wouldn't word it exactly as you did above, I do understand and agree to some extent with what you are saying (I think).

 

But my original point was that the OP's wife is likely going to know that there was something going on if she sees/hears about her STBXH out and about with a new woman.

 

That was my point that the wife isn't stupid...she will likely put 2 and 2 together and figure out that there was at least some involvement before the divorce was filed/finalized.

 

That's what I meant.

 

As for your other point about the BW having to know something is wrong, well yes, to an outsider (an OW or any 3rd party outside the marriage) it would certainly seem that way.

 

But like others have said, trust can be very strong. No one wants to believe that the person they love is lying to them or that things are not as they appear.

 

So while it seems obvious to someone outside it is not always obvious when you (general you) are involved directly.

 

Speaking very candidly from my own experience, I did know something was terribly wrong in those weeks leading up to d-day. I just didn't think my H was capable of an affair. How wrong I was.

 

Thank you for the discussion.

[Fugu]

When I was in Japan, I noticed that people had affairs and the betrayed spouses didn't really have to know about it. I think on some level they suspected that their partner might have had some sort of affair with another partner, but they didn't have to know the truth. The bottom line was, 'don't leave me' for another person. Shag another person if you want, but don't divorce. The older I get, the more stories I read about/hear about, the more practical I think this approach is. Why not just have an affair and not let her know about it, and if she finds out, well, you're even.

[John Michael Kane]

When I was in Japan, I noticed that people had affairs and the betrayed spouses didn't really have to know about it.

 

Elaborate please. Did the cheater say that hogwash?

 

I think on some level they suspected that their partner might have had some sort of affair with another partner, but they didn't have to know the truth.

 

They didn't have to or they didn't want to?

 

The bottom line was, 'don't leave me' for another person. Shag another person if you want, but don't divorce.

 

Well honestly those people are sadly pathetic and have absolutely no respect for themselves. Good for them that they like to live in an open marriage but they'll recognize how dumb they are when they find out some disease is eating away their private parts.

 

The older I get, the more stories I read about/hear about, the more practical I think this approach is.

 

Nah won't fly around here. It may be practical but it's foolish and dangerous.

 

Why not just have an affair and not let her know about it, and if she finds out, well, you're even.

 

Ya encourage sick behavior. That's the way to go. No matter if there are kids or learning how to heal and keep whatever self-worth you have left. People who have "revenge affairs" are no better than their spouse who cheated first.

[datura_noir]

When a BS is repeatedly told that the problems that are arising are due to job stress or family stress, and the WS IS NOT GOOD AT COMMUNICATING, the only way to actually know for sure is to snoop. Most people don't want to go there. I know I didn't. But I am glad I did.

 

A BS is essentially caught between a rock and a hard place-

 

Trust and hope, but be blindsided and labelled as uncaring/stupid, or snoop and find out and be labelled as controlling.

[Fugu]

Elaborate please. Did the cheater say that hogwash?

 

 

 

They didn't have to or they didn't want to?

 

 

 

Well honestly those people are sadly pathetic and have absolutely no respect for themselves. Good for them that they like to live in an open marriage but they'll recognize how dumb they are when they find out some disease is eating away their private parts.

 

 

 

Nah won't fly around here. It may be practical but it's foolish and dangerous.

 

 

 

Ya encourage sick behavior. That's the way to go. No matter if there are kids or learning how to heal and keep whatever self-worth you have left. People who have "revenge affairs" are no better than their spouse who cheated first.

 

Okay, then fine, option C: just get a divorce and make the children pay the consequences. The truth will set everyone free.

[Mimolicious]

Okay everyone, here's my story...

 

About 3 years ago my wife told me she was having an affair with her boss. As you can imagine, I went through hell for the next few months. I was always loyal and trusting of her throughout the marriage. I really did love her.

 

The wife did show me that she was willing to try and work on our marriage by quitting her job, going to MC, and being completely open and honest. She was willing to do anything for my forgiveness, and we both wanted the marriage to survive. I thought that we were able to work everything out and that I able to move on from this situation. For quite a few reasons, I doubt she is still having an affair in the present.

 

So a year ago I had a bit of an epiphany. I hadn't forgiven my wife, I doubt that I could ever forgive her, and I didn't love her anymore. To be honest, I don't really see her as my wife anymore. I haven't told her this yet. As far as I am aware, she thinks that everything is normal. All the hugs and kisses, and "I love you"s are artificial on my part.

 

I have been considering divorce for a while now, but there are a few things that are stopping me. I have an 11 year old son that I really don't want to put in that situation. I've been reading up on some books and articles, and talking to a few friends about this subject and it seems like I would be placing a lot of stress and hurt on his shoulders that could wait until he is older. For more selfish reasons, I despise the idea of becoming a weekend Dad, which my divorce lawyer tells me is likely. I think it would kill me, if my son started calling another man "Dad". I know that if I divorced my wife, I would end up hemorrhaging money, and losing the house. Maybe I'm just procrastinating.

 

I've also gotten into what I guess is an exit affair over the past few months. I've been close friends with a female co-worker for around 14 years. Out of respect and love for my wife, I never would have crossed any lines with the co-worker. Now that the respect and love is gone, things are different. We haven't done anything physical yet but I do care about the OW more than my own wife.

 

I have every intention of leaving my wife for the OW. My dilemma is whether I should just bite the bullet and get a divorce now or wait until my son is older and more independent, which could take 7 or 8 years.

 

I feel incredibly lost right now, and could really use some advice.

 

I stopped reading, not going to lie. I could just tell you, or let me ask you better...

 

Would you rather be a "Weekend dad" that will be able to teach his kid principals, sincerity, values, love and respect?

 

Or

 

Would you rather be the "nuclear" family, based of bogus feelings and faked actions?

 

Which one sounds more beneficial for your son?