Ruineditall Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 She just walked out the door and I feel terrible. I love her but I'm just not sure what I want out of life. We've been in the relationship since the end of 2006, have a lot of animals, and own a house together. When we met I was 19, she is the only person I've ever been with. When we got together things were wonderful like you'd expect from that honeymoon phase. I've always had a low self esteem and it led me to lie a lot early in our relationship. I've also always been a people pleaser and never really let my own opinion or feelings come first. So we went a few years with me just trying to be a pleaser and having to do the things I enjoyed behind her back. Needless to say we had a big falling out after years of dishonesty but tried to work through it. Eventually things were pretty bad last year and we ended up going back and forth for awhile and eventually ended up separating for a few months. But since we own the house together we still lived together, I just stayed on the couch. After those few months I had worked on the dishonesty and really worked hard on what I needed to fix. But during this time I still never took the time to explore myself or what I wanted out of life. She can't know me or my dreams if I don't know myself. I lived in a home growing up where we never did anything. There were never any vacations and I was helping my dad at work during the weekends. When I was in college I was working one job before I met her, and then two jobs during my senior year. I love her, but I'm not sure if our dreams are the same. I don't even know what my dreams are. I never experienced anything, I never dated, I don't think I've experienced enough to know what I want out of life. I feel like I've done nothing but wasted the years of her life we were together. She could have found someone who could have made her happy instead of someone who set her back years. Soon she will be back home and we will have to go back to sleeping in separate rooms because neither of us can afford to live alone. She's blaming this on herself but it's not her fault. I don't mean to be the way I am, but I'm just screwed up. If I could just make everything better I would. I hate hurting her and hate myself for doing so. I didn't mean to ruin her life but I did. I don't know what else to write but I will try to answer whatever is asked.
ShoeGurl1973 Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Ruinteditall - Wow, for a second I thought you were my ex...very similar situations. I met my ex 3.5 years ago. He had low self esteen and was very insecure due to a past marriage that failed. He was dishonest from the beginning - I didn't find out about his marriage until 6 months of being together. I asked him if there was anything else he needed to tell me and he said no. 6 months later he tells me they had a child together (he left before it was born and had never seen it). Both of these (including some others) lies hit me really hard. I had given him no reason to feel he couldn't tell me the truth - so many people in their 30's have a past marriage. He tried to explain it as he was just insecure and ashamed and that's why he chose to lie. He didn't have much growing up and had never lived in a real house. His financial situation was poor so I bought a house for the two of us. We had a great 2 years in it and were consistantly referring to a wedding and being together forever. It seems once we discussed engagements and rings he bolted out the door and never looked back. I felt like I helped him come to terms with so many issues from his past - he sees his child for regular visitations now and is able to communicate civily with his ex. I feel Like i helped him get through all his insecurities and problems and now he left me high and dry with nothing. You seem to be going through something similar? My question for you is what do I do? My first instinct and what i have been executing, is NC NC NC. He left so abruptly, and said horrible things to me I honestly feel he did too much damage to our relationship to ever take him back. Not to mention the fact I should have ended it when he lied to me about the ex and kid in the first place. I guess I tried to understand where he was coming from and didn't feel like leaving him when I should have. He has on two occasions sent me "I'm sorry" and "i still love you texts". I ignored the first and the second was when i told him that i wished him luck and not to contact me going forward. I don't know if he is like and you simply isn't sure of who he is and what he wants or not. I do know I can't sit around hoping and waiting for him to figure it out. I do agree that sometimes its not about the DUMPEE, but that a DUMPER can truly have personal issues they need to work on before they can commit to another person for life. It doesn't hurt any less though.
Author Ruineditall Posted May 13, 2011 Author Posted May 13, 2011 She gave me no reason to lie either, but I was able to come to terms with that and have been able to stick to being honest. I was raised in a home with my parents. But they were and are always fighting and I had to be the middle between it. My mother constantly put all of her marriage issues on me and talked to me about everything from a young age. And going to work with my dad I was constantly told how lazy my mother was and he spoke his issues as well. I know that it hurt my emotional availability. I was also never allowed to really express myself because I was the dumping point for everyone else's issues. I seem to make a great person to talk to but not to have any sort of true relationship with. I'm damaged goods. When we broke up last year I kept begging for her back then days or weeks later we would break up again. I refuse to put her through that this time and no matter how much I want her back I know I'm too messed up to be in the relationship. I love her and want to be with her, but I don't know what I want out of life and I'm not sure that our wants sync up and I can't keep wasting her time because if I don't know at 24 chances are it's going to take me a long time to figure myself out enough to even make another real go at this relationship. I agree, it's not about her. It's about me not knowing myself enough to be able to give myself to her in the way that she wants me. I tend to just use humor as a defense before I even realize anything is wrong. It's like unless I'm conscious of it, I don't let things close enough to hurt me. I don't want to hurt her anymore than I have.
Author Ruineditall Posted May 13, 2011 Author Posted May 13, 2011 Why the constant back and forth? I feel like I'm no good for her but I want nothing more than to call her up and ask her to come home. I just want to hold her in my arms and say I'm sorry. I hate myself for being scared and letting that make me end things. I'm not sure if things could have worked out but I should have tried. But I can't drag her back here and do this again 3 months down the line if things don't work out. I feel like I made a big mistake. Things were starting to move in the right direction and I got scared and instead of thinking more I just got shellshocked. She was willing to work on things but I froze up. I'm feel like I'm just going to be miserable and alone.
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