NewMoon2203 Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 (edited) See the problem is, as metioned in my thread, that we have always been friends. even before we got together. now she wants us to go right back to just being friends. i want to incorporate no contact first. give myself some time to get over it before i try and be her friend again. but she wont let me. she has chronic depression. she's suffered from it ever since she was little. and she's just like "i know your hurt cus i broke up with you. but it was for the best. I need you as a friend right now more than anything else. if you dont talk to me, who knows what ill do to myself?!" Now usually you'd think thats just an empty threat. but ive known her for 4 years. and her depression is anything but stable. if there really is something behind that threat, i dont want her to self-harm or commit suicide all because i wasnt willing to be her friend, and because i wanted no contact. i dont want to be responsible. So what do i do?? I think i really need no contact. Im not coping well at all. i cant eat, or sleep, or do anything right now. im just a sobbing wreck a lot ofthe time, and i think No Contact would help me get over this. But if i do no contact, and then find out she did sth stupid because of it, i would never forgive myself. Edited May 13, 2011 by NewMoon2203 spelling
smudge21 Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 She has problems that need a professional to look at and to throw the pressure onto you is just wrong. Sorry to be harsh here, but from what you said she knows she has problems, but instead of trying to get help, she's just using you as a comfort blanket, when what you need right now is your own time to get your head sorted. You're hurting and you need to heal, but that won't happen whilst you're at her side whenever she needs you. I don't have the correct answer here, but if it were me, I would explain how you feel to her. How you do want to be her friend and would love to be there for her, but you're hurting too much. You need to go no contact, which means she needs to go sort her problems out herself. She can't toss you aside one minute and then expect you to come back when it suits her. Sorry if I'm being harsh there but I've known friends who have faced similar and I've slowly watched them give up on so much to stay with people due to problems like your ex's. If you continue like you are doing, two things will happen: she will never get the proper help she needs and will always use her depression on you and others, and secondly, you will never heal. You may end up with your own depression. It's tough and there's no easy answer, only suggestions. Good luck.
doubtfulwonder Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 I agree with smudge. Too much burden is put directly on your shoulders with what she wants from you, especially since she broke up with you. You need to focus on healing as much as you can now that it's over. As said earlier, you can explain everything. It's not that you are trying to hurt her by going no contact, but it's too painful for you and difficult for you to cope with how things are. She does need to seek professional help. You mentioned in another thread that it was LD. So there isn't anything you could directly do anyway. Again this is not about being mean or selfish by not being her friend. It's about you trying to heal from your own pain you're dealing with from what was a sudden break up to you.
Lorelai Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 If you have been friends as long as you have... has she ever sought help? Or have you been her therapist? I went to school for psychology even if it's not what I do now. I went because I was always the person my friends came to with their troubles, and I seemed to be good at it. But one place I cannot do that is in a relationship. Especially if the person has documented problems and is not dealing with them. I can be a friend (and that includes volunteer amateur psychotherapy and/or referral to real therapy if needed as part of the package) or I can be a lover and partner and be there to share the load, but I can't be the primary person that is managing the mental health of the person I'm dating. Either they need to be managing it themselves, or they need to be able to seek help and be responsible enough to comply with doctor's recommendations. I have to work very hard to avoid codependency in relationships, because it's not healthy for me. And I have the tendency to not be attracted to simple, so it's an issue. I got to that realization, of course, by dating people who were self-harming and not getting help. And it is not something that is good for anyone in the relationship. The best thing you can do for her as a friend is to tell her that you care for her deeply and are worried about her, and really would like her to consider talking to her doctor about how she's feeling. General practitioners are at least somewhat able to help with baseline prescriptions for antidepressants, and can get her a referral to someone who she can talk to. But *you* are not responsible for her mental health, nor can you be. Especially not right now while you are trying to heal yourself. And some of what she may need to talk about involves you, so she can't get as much from talking to you about it. Even if you don't come up with the right words, you have done the best you can. It's hard. I've been there, I feel for you right now... but you cannot fix her. All you can do is encourage her to seek help from someone who has a better shot at it, and take care of your own heart.
Author NewMoon2203 Posted May 15, 2011 Author Posted May 15, 2011 I don't have the correct answer here, but if it were me, I would explain how you feel to her. How you do want to be her friend and would love to be there for her, but you're hurting too much. You need to go no contact, which means she needs to go sort her problems out herself. She can't toss you aside one minute and then expect you to come back when it suits her. You werent harsh smudge. i think youre right. she cant dump me, and then suddenly want me back just to sort out her problems for her. i know that. the problem is that i do still care, and i feel somewhat responsible for her :/ You mentioned in another thread that it was LD. So there isn't anything you could directly do anyway. That's also true. I think really she's realised that by dumping me she wont be able to rant at me about her problems over msn anymore.... The best thing you can do for her as a friend is to tell her that you care for her deeply and are worried about her, and really would like her to consider talking to her doctor about how she's feeling. General practitioners are at least somewhat able to help with baseline prescriptions for antidepressants, and can get her a referral to someone who she can talk to. But *you* are not responsible for her mental health, nor can you be. She has seen countless therapists before, and she told me that she had her depression 'under control'. but obviously, she doesnt. and i can see that she doesnt. but she wont get anymore help because she insists that she is fine. or i get excuses like "i dont have the time to go back to therapy" and stuff. she wont take tablets or anti-depressants because she also has a medicine trauma, a complete fear of taking any medicine. she simply refuses. *sighs* you are all right in that i cant be responsible for her mental health. Especially not now she's dumped me. but i... I still love her, you know? and i dont want to just sit back and watch her hurt herself...
smudge21 Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 Sadly you can only ever help those that want help. I think she may be using this problem to keep you nearby. I know that does sound bad, but sometimes people act like this without even knowing it, or knowing that it hurts someone else. You do need to speak to her clearly about it as the longer you leave it, the worse it will get. When we love someone and they have problems we feel the need to make them happy, and this includes helping them with their problems. Even when we split up, especially when the problem they have has caused the split, we feel this desire to help them, fix their issues and solve all their worries. Sadly, this is often not the case. The hardest thing I ever did was walk away from my first love because I couldn't handle seeing her after her ex would visit and get abusive (they had a kid together). I tried to fix it, solve the issue, really get her to put a stop to it, but she couldn't. Even after I showed her how good life could be, how she should be treated, she still had an emotional attachment to this man (man, ha, that's a laugh... hardly a man). I wanted to save her, but couldn't. Many years on I know she's okay now and at least that's something. There's a line about being cruel to be kind and it's so true.
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