vsmini Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 I've been over and done with my ex for 8 months now. We were together for almost 2 years. He broke up with me and I was devastated. He was completely emotionally unavailable and I was blind to it and wanted to be the girl to change him. I've been NC with him for over 5 months and it has helped tremendously. I really slowed my healing process by chasing him for as long as I did after the break up. So am I over him? Well. I still think about him every day. Am I pining for him? No. I learned so much about myself, my boundaries, my life from him and this breakup so I feel almost thankful for the experience. But every few days I think about the "what if" and "how he's doing now" kind of stuff and I'm wondering if this is normal and healthy???? I understand he and I were not good together but I think about the guy I wanted him to be and still wish he could have been that. It's an illusion that I had even when I was in the relationship with him and though my thoughts about it have significantly gone down - I still find myself thinking about it. So.....what do you consider being over it and does it sound safe for me to be in a relationship again?
VicJay79 Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 VSmini, 1. You stop crying in your pillow. 2. You stop blaming yourself in the relationship 3. You stop hurting so much on the inside that you want to have someone hurt you on the outside to balance the pain. 4. You start finding some value in yourself, and not a piece of !@U# I've been over and done with my ex for 8 months now. We were together for almost 2 years. He broke up with me and I was devastated. He was completely emotionally unavailable and I was blind to it and wanted to be the girl to change him. I've been NC with him for over 5 months and it has helped tremendously. I really slowed my healing process by chasing him for as long as I did after the break up. So am I over him? Well. I still think about him every day. Am I pining for him? No. I learned so much about myself, my boundaries, my life from him and this breakup so I feel almost thankful for the experience. But every few days I think about the "what if" and "how he's doing now" kind of stuff and I'm wondering if this is normal and healthy???? I understand he and I were not good together but I think about the guy I wanted him to be and still wish he could have been that. It's an illusion that I had even when I was in the relationship with him and though my thoughts about it have significantly gone down - I still find myself thinking about it. So.....what do you consider being over it and does it sound safe for me to be in a relationship again?
smudge21 Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 No worries in remembering the past, which is what you're doing. It's the fact that you're no longer acting on those memories or letting them control you. I reckon you're somewhere I can only wish to be and I envy you for that. If you're asking whether you're ready to date again yet, then clearly you're not, as you wouldn't need to ask... it would just be something you'd go ahead and do. Just go enjoy life and see what happens rather then thinking about getting into another relationship. Oh and the line "the guy I wanted him to be"... that so reminds me of what someone told me. The line was (and it related to my own situation) "I don't miss her, I miss the person I thought she was". That's so true. We build up our loved ones into what we think and hope they are and only when those feelings have gone do we see that they weren't really like that.
Author vsmini Posted May 13, 2011 Author Posted May 13, 2011 (edited) We build up our loved ones into what we think and hope they are and only when those feelings have gone do we see that they weren't really like that So true - I put this guy on such an unwarranted pedestal it makes me sick to think about it . Was he a bad person? No...not at all. But the guy had a lot of issues to work out and resulted in treating me pretty poorly and I put up with it. I just want to know when these thoughts will just be OUT of my head. What keeps me going is seeing how I think less and less about him but every few days a bit of sadness comes over me for a few minutes and then I have to just force myself to shut my head up. Do you really have to be 10000% recovered before you start dating someone seriously? I don't want to pass up a great opportunity because I'm mistaken in thinking that thinking about my ex is a big problem Edited May 13, 2011 by vsmini
alphamale Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 So.....what do you consider being over it and does it sound safe for me to be in a relationship again? "over it" is when you become indifferent towards said person
betterdeal Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 (edited) So true - I put this guy on such an unwarranted pedestal it makes me sick to think about it . Was he a bad person? No...not at all. But the guy had a lot of issues to work out and resulted in treating me pretty poorly and I put up with it. I just want to know when these thoughts will just be OUT of my head. What keeps me going is seeing how I think less and less about him but every few days a bit of sadness comes over me for a few minutes and then I have to just force myself to shut my head up. Do you really have to be 10000% recovered before you start dating someone seriously? I don't want to pass up a great opportunity because I'm mistaken in thinking that thinking about my ex is a big problem Truth is, you are over your ex as soon as you split up. What's left is some memories and a subconscious that associates them with particular feelings you are having in the present. Figuring what is causing those feelings now and dealing with them in different ways - learning better memories, tactics, reactions - is how you disassociate you now from your memories of the past. For instance, I have noticed that when I have a physical ailment I have tended to start recalling my ex. She is not responsible for my sore back, as she is not here, but I am here and I am responsible for it. I went and saw an osteopath and sure enough, the ruminating about my ex went away when my back pain went. I found some photos of us yesterday. That made me feel sad. Instead of bottling it up, I let it drift in, and drift out, like passing clouds. I deleted the photos tonight, because seeing them hurt me. She didn't hurt me. Seeing those photos did. I feel better for it. I'm considering some more therapy to see if there are better, more effective ways to disassociate the present from the past. What has also helped me is doing things I enjoy and getting to know myself better. I think that once you are your own best friend, and you don't hark back to someone else to look after you, you are ready. We all have brain farts, occasionally, so don't worry about being 100% clear. Worrying is part of the problem. Learning to trust is how to deal with worry. Learning to trust ourselves is the most influential lesson one can learn. And then, if you like, you can bond with someone else, without being needy and without being guarded. And if it doesn't work, you can let go easily because you still have your best friend - you. Edited May 13, 2011 by betterdeal
Author vsmini Posted May 14, 2011 Author Posted May 14, 2011 Thank you betterdeal. Much appreciation.
smudge21 Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 I think for me I'll know when I'm ready for love with someone new when I no longer want someone new. Hard to explain but I'll try. I know that before my recent ex came into my life I was happy with everything - I was single but content. Had no real interest to date and was just enjoying either being by myself or spending time with friends (of both sexes). Now this girl comes along and suddenly I'm desperate to have a long relationship with her. It doesn't work out and for a long time I'm still desperate to get back with her and can't imagine being alone again. 6 weeks on from going total NC I can now see myself slowly heading back to how I was, when I was happy just being me. Had no need to be with someone. For me, I think that's usually an indication that you're ready to meet someone new. When you're no longer sad that you're single and desperate to be with someone (due to how much you miss being with your ex). I hope I've explained that well.
carhill Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 I still think about him every day It will be truly over when this stops. When his name merely elicits thought of 'hmm, that's a familiar name' and that's all. Heck, I was married to my exW for ten years and yesterday struggled to remember the names of her family members (siblings, nieces, grand-xxx, whatever). I was surprised, since I have a pretty good memory. To me, that's what 'over' means. It is like they never existed in my life.
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