harleyq333 Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 I'm sorry it's so long but this is the first time I've ever been in a situation like this and I need to dump it somewhere. I have this married friend at work who basically succeeded in seducing me - I had little to no interest in him until he started pursuing me and it culminated in a night of foreplay. He started seeing me more often after that and at first I thought it was all fun and games on our end - I thought he was just looking for a booty call and my sexual interest was piqued. I figured "whatever, nothing's going to come of this, it'll be fine. I'm not like those "other" other women" - Damn I was foolish. He started admitting the extent of his attraction for me which went a lot deeper than I had expected. I fell for it all - I think of him constantly in ways that go beyond a friends-with-benefits relationship. We admitted that we don't know where we're going or if anything can ever come of us and he basically told me that although he and his wife are just friends now, he doesn't intend to leave her, for various reasons. I've been trying to give myself logical advice throughout this mess - "he's married, hes not going to leave his wife. He probably loves her. Just because he's attracted to you, it doesn't mean anything. Deep down, you know you two would never actually work - he's not your type. It's infatuation, he'll get tired of you. Be realistic!" and so forth but I can't shake the way I feel. The past week, I've felt longing for him, but today I actually felt my first pang of hurt. He was showing me a picture on his phone and as he was scrolling through, I saw a picture of him cuddling with his wife, which was on her facebook just a few days after they had a big talk about how they've just become friends. I'm trying to tell myself that it's stupid to feel that way, I knew what my role in our relationship was the whole time, and i knew his attachment to his wife wasn't going anywhere. I never placed myself above her as far as people in his life were concerned. So why do I still feel kind of crushed? I understand his feelings are pretty mixed up right now, but they're mixing me up, too. When we're together, he compliments me and makes me feel great, and massages my back under my shirt and runs his hands along my thighs, and cuddles, ran his lips along my neck and ear, but he's too uncomfortable to kiss me on the mouth or to go any farther sexually - we havent stripped or fondled "below the belt" or anything. And I told him I completely understand...I'm not going to pretend that his wife isn't important to him. But I'm left feeling confused and frustrated nevertheless. I can't make my head and my heart synchronize and it's driving me insane.
Owl Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 I can't make my head and my heart synchronize and it's driving me insane. This is because you haven't enforced any firm boundaries as to what you will or won't accept in your life. You know what you're doing is wrong. You know it'll wind up with someone hurting a great deal if you let it proceed. Either you, or him, or his wife, if not all three. You WANT to let it continue, but you KNOW that it shouldn't. The problem is that you are letting your want override your good sense. That's a ticket to a bad time every time. Stop the situation now, before it proceeds further. Start enforcing good boundaries...with him, and in whatever aspects of your life you need to. It'll hurt short term, but it'll likely reduce your chance for a lot more pain and trauma for the rest of your life.
BB07 Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 It's not that complicated although I know you feel as if it is. You have two choices.....either let it continue and you will become more attached to him and it will eventually turn into a full on physical affair OR stop it now and cut out all contact with him and take the time to learn more about why you allowed yourself to get in a relationship with someone who is NOT fully available to you. Also.......if you stop it now you will probably save yourself from greater pain down the road. It's entirely up to you.
fooled once Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Do you know his wife? Why are you looking at her facebook? He enjoys the ego boost you give him; someone besides his wife who wants him; someone who flatters him; someone who is different than his wife. I have a feeling you are going to end up a lot more hurt than you are now. Either accept that you are just a passing fancy for him - he has TOLD YOU he is not leaving his wife; or tell him you no longer will be a distraction for him, someone for him to flirt with, etc. No one can seduce you without your consent. You knew what you were doing, he didn't make you do anything. You enjoyed it and looked forward to it. Accept your role in this. Accept the fact that he is staying with his wife. Accept where you are in his life; an option, not a priority. Accept it or walk away from it.
Author harleyq333 Posted May 13, 2011 Author Posted May 13, 2011 (edited) I've met his wife - I don't know her. I started looking at her facebook to try to get hints at where she sees his relationship - I was basically fishing for comments about her husband to see if she said anything about him. I wanted to know if maybe she was curious at all about his indiscretions or if she was totally blind to who he is outside of their marriage. Part of me was hoping that I would find something that would guilt me out of my feelings for him so that I would lose emotional attachment to him. It's messed up in so many ways, but he and i are so selfish. Him, for pursuing anyone outside of his marriage, and me for knowingly reciprocating - and we're both trying to have our cake and eat it too. I want the affection from him but at the same time I don't want to ruin his marriage. He told me if he left his wife, it would be for me and I immediately told him he couldn't do that. And I encourage him to spend time with her and praise the sweet memories between them that he's told me about. I guess deep down, it feels like my way of trying to remedy the situation without having to give anything up. I know it's completely destructive and I might as well be screaming "USE ME!!!!". I feel like a horrible person but I don't want to stop. I think it's like the first reply said - I know what I want, and what I need, and I'm letting my wants take control. Edited May 13, 2011 by harleyq333
whichwayisup Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 The bottomline is, he is still married. He live "life" with her. His and her family are entwined. Inlaws, cousins, extended familly, friends.. He isn't planning on leaving her. If he was, she wouldn't be posting pictures of them on facebook! The choice is yours. Stay the OW and become more hurt and confused, falling for sweet nothings that he whispers in your ear, or end it because you're worth more than playing second fiddle! He isn't "yours". And, he shouldn't be making it seem like he's available. He isn't. You choose to believe what you want to. The man IS married, that's all you need to know. Until divorce papers are served and he isn't living in their marital home anymore, or officially divorced, this guy is off the market.
BB07 Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 So what are you going to do Harley........continue or cut it off?
fooled once Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 I've met his wife - I don't know her. I started looking at her facebook to try to get hints at where she sees his relationship - I was basically fishing for comments about her husband to see if she said anything about him. I wanted to know if maybe she was curious at all about his indiscretions or if she was totally blind to who he is outside of their marriage. Part of me was hoping that I would find something that would guilt me out of my feelings for him so that I would lose emotional attachment to him. It's messed up in so many ways, but he and i are so selfish. Him, for pursuing anyone outside of his marriage, and me for knowingly reciprocating - and we're both trying to have our cake and eat it too. I want the affection from him but at the same time I don't want to ruin his marriage. He told me if he left his wife, it would be for me and I immediately told him he couldn't do that. And I encourage him to spend time with her and praise the sweet memories between them that he's told me about. I guess deep down, it feels like my way of trying to remedy the situation without having to give anything up. I know it's completely destructive and I might as well be screaming "USE ME!!!!". I feel like a horrible person but I don't want to stop. I think it's like the first reply said - I know what I want, and what I need, and I'm letting my wants take control. Re-read this. You are all over the place. As a Married Woman, i don't post about my MARRIAGE on my FB. Why would I? I don't need to prove to anyone about MY marriage. You know of his indiscretions and STILL want him; so what does that say about you? Your infatuation with him is not the same as his wife's relationship with him. They have a past, a courtship, a history. They have made plans for the future. What have you done? Let a MM disrespect you by screwing his wife and playing with you. Come on. Where is your dignity in this? Where is your self respect? Are you that desperate for attention that you will lower your standards? You are better than this and you deserve better. Stop settling for anything. He isn't leaving his wife; he is blowing smoke up your rear with the whole "if I leave my wife it will be for you". Such crap Look at how he treats his wife; is that how you want to be treated?
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