Phateless Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 We've been together over 3 years. We argue a lot. She's reactive and sarcastic. I won't live with her until she stops fighting with me all the time. She says she only acts this way because she resents that we don't live together yet. I say we'll fight worse about different things. I lived with someone before, she has only had limited roommate experience. She's 25 and I'm 30. We go around in circles as she constantly tries to renegotiate.
CrestfallenNoMore Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Yeah, it won't get better, it'll get worse. And then you'll be a captive audience. To me, her argument is analagous to the "Having a baby will make things better" argument. 3
Banker Chick Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 If not for the length of the relationship & ages, I would have thought my bf posted this. I'm in the same situation (see my post earlier today) and I feel like your gf feels. Maybe the difference for us is we don't live close (what I would consider close) so we are always miscommunicating, taking things out of context, etc. because a lot of our talking is done via text. I contend if we lived together we'd communicate better and see each other more and it would help immensely. He's scared to move together because he worries I'll just end up kicking him out and he'll have nowhere to live. We are essentially at a stalemate on this issue. I'm curious ... if you fight all the time, why do you stick it out?
carhill Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Here's my take: If you've been a couple over three years and no outside circumstances have kept you from progressing your relationship, like school and career logistics, etc, there are good reasons why it's not progressing, either to cohabitation and/or marriage. Three years is a long time to be 'dating' and/or BF/GF. Personally, if I was writing the OP, I'd be on my way out, especially with the 'fighting' part. I've had enough of that drama. Perhaps it's a youth thing, though I didn't like it then either. IMO, if you fight now, you'll fight more when it's harder to leave. Caged animals and all that. Ugh... 4
donnamaybe Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 So she'll fight with you UNTIL she gets her way? Oh, wow. Is there any basis for her disagreements with you, or is she just being - disagreeable? 2
sanskrit Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Great advice in the thread, can't add to it other than to say that bad behavior should never be rewarded nor negotiated, else you set up and affirm an unhealthy dynamic that she may have been using to manipulate others her whole life. If she is this way because of material faults of yours that's one thing, but nothing in your post leads to that conclusion. 2
EricaH329 Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 I am sad that things have not progressed in your relationship I was hoping one of us would be fortunate enough. In my opinion, I don't see anything changing even if you two were to move in together. I say this because she has been acting this way since the very beginning of your relationship. I think it has less to do with circumstance, and more to do with just the type of person she is. As someone else has already stated, if it isn't this she's complaining about, it'll be something else. It always has and always will be. I have a bad feeling you are going to have to take it or leave it. I'm sorry you are still dealing with this
Jynxx Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 On you left hand side, you will find an eject button. Push it. This relationship has no future, dump the bitch and find someone better.
ladyinlimbo Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 She's either a cagey manipulator.....or maybe she naively really believes that living together will be the answer to all of your problems as a couple. Regardless though, I would not give in here. It's like couples who are in a troubled relationship and one thinks "well things will get better once we're married." NOT. Never gets better, only gets worse. And so you agree to live together; then what's the next thing on her agenda; marriage or she'll threaten to move out or kick you out? Sarcastic and reactive. Not good qualities for future happiness. Some people just like to argue, they like the drama, they like to get the last word in, they like to fight. If she's one of them, and you live together, you'll still fight but only about different things......but you'll be miserable because now you're living under the same roof and you'll feel trapped and cornered. At least when you fight now, not living together, you can have your time and space to process things and cool off and think them through; won't be the same when you're living under the same roof in a 600 s/f apartment and she's in your face. Never make huge relationship changes when there are significant and consistent issues going on in the relationship; just a recipe for further disaster.
Author Phateless Posted January 15, 2013 Author Posted January 15, 2013 Good advice here, still relevant. We've made tons of progress at disagreeing in a productive way, but it's still challenging. Right now she's putting the pressure on really hard to move in with her, but I just don't want to. I've also made tons of personal progress at learning how to set limits, but it's very slow going. I'm not ready, I'm feeling pressured and trapped, and I'll have no place to put of any of my stuff, and no garage for any of the larger toys.
phineas Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Good advice here, still relevant. We've made tons of progress at disagreeing in a productive way, but it's still challenging. Right now she's putting the pressure on really hard to move in with her, but I just don't want to. I've also made tons of personal progress at learning how to set limits, but it's very slow going. I'm not ready, I'm feeling pressured and trapped, and I'll have no place to put of any of my stuff, and no garage for any of the larger toys. lulwat? She wants you to move into HER place? Move under an augmentative woman's house? I've seen that go bad in so many ways. For the guy.
sweetkiwi Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 Im sorry but you have asked for this situation. Put your foot down. Why would you put up with constant arguments and being pressured to do something you don't want to do???????? You're 30. Act like it. At 25 she should know better. Who the neck wants to be in a relationship like that gross. 1
serial muse Posted January 15, 2013 Posted January 15, 2013 (edited) Wow, I was all confused by the timeline of this, but I see that you updated an old post. Phateless - to understand what was going on I just went back and reread some of your older threads. You have one from 2009 that says almost the same thing that your update does (!!!) - that she wants to move in together but you don't want to because of the fighting, and that you want a period of uninterrupted peace before you're willing to consider that. And that she, meanwhile, says that if she felt more sure of you - i.e. that you wanted to live together - that she would be less on edge and less inclined to pick fights. I feel for you, but I also feel for her. You guys have been in limbo for a really long time, and as much as it sucks to put up with the fighting it also sucks to be in limbo. You're saying you feel pressured and trapped and you're not ready - I can understand that you don't want to be caged up with someone that sets your teeth on edge and provokes emotional shutdowns. And yet...you stay. But you've also been putting her off with the idea of moving in together for years now; it strikes me that it's not so unrealistic that her anxiety over your ambivalence is driving a lot of the tension. I mean, seriously. Holy wow, that's a ton of ambivalence and it can be crazy-making. (Of course, she could leave too - you've both tacitly agreed to put up with this situation.) I don't know what's really going on here - I suspect there are a lot of layers to unpack, and it's not so simple as "she fights with me too much". But since you're still in the same situation you've been in for years, and neither of you is giving up on the other for some reason , what now? Any plans to shake things up a bit, one way or the other? Edited January 15, 2013 by serial muse 5
Author Phateless Posted January 21, 2013 Author Posted January 21, 2013 (edited) Wow, I was all confused by the timeline of this, but I see that you updated an old post. Phateless - to understand what was going on I just went back and reread some of your older threads. You have one from 2009 that says almost the same thing that your update does (!!!) - that she wants to move in together but you don't want to because of the fighting, and that you want a period of uninterrupted peace before you're willing to consider that. And that she, meanwhile, says that if she felt more sure of you - i.e. that you wanted to live together - that she would be less on edge and less inclined to pick fights. I feel for you, but I also feel for her. You guys have been in limbo for a really long time, and as much as it sucks to put up with the fighting it also sucks to be in limbo. You're saying you feel pressured and trapped and you're not ready - I can understand that you don't want to be caged up with someone that sets your teeth on edge and provokes emotional shutdowns. And yet...you stay. But you've also been putting her off with the idea of moving in together for years now; it strikes me that it's not so unrealistic that her anxiety over your ambivalence is driving a lot of the tension. I mean, seriously. Holy wow, that's a ton of ambivalence and it can be crazy-making. (Of course, she could leave too - you've both tacitly agreed to put up with this situation.) I don't know what's really going on here - I suspect there are a lot of layers to unpack, and it's not so simple as "she fights with me too much". But since you're still in the same situation you've been in for years, and neither of you is giving up on the other for some reason , what now? Any plans to shake things up a bit, one way or the other? She started in on me with the moving in pressure and fighting after we'd only been together 3 months, and we've been in this cycle ever since. I guess I should have recognized the big red flag back then. I'm afraid if I leave I'll regret it, but what else can I do? Edited January 21, 2013 by Phateless
TaraMaiden Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 Leave. What you're doing, obviously isn't working, and hasn't done for nearly 4 years. How many more years are you going to continue before you finally 'get' that your behaviour is insane? And please don't come up with any excuses... "The thing is, she said...." "The problem with that is....." "I can't do this because...." Quit. Leave. End it. Move on. Finito. (What's the betting we'll get another 'update' in 2015.....?) 2
Samilia Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 We've been together over 3 years. We argue a lot. She's reactive and sarcastic. I won't live with her until she stops fighting with me all the time. She says she only acts this way because she resents that we don't live together yet. I say we'll fight worse about different things. I lived with someone before, she has only had limited roommate experience. She's 25 and I'm 30. We go around in circles as she constantly tries to renegotiate. Same situation happened to a friend of mine, it got worse. She'd use the living situation as a lever to make him bend to her will. After a year he left her. Living with her won't fix anything, it's the same as having a baby in order to fix a couple, doesn't work.
truth_seeker Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I don't believe in these 1+ year relationships. Dating for 3 years? Why still dating? I'll tell you why: one or both of you are holding out (marriage) until either something better comes along, or keep the person around as a safety net if no one better comes along. 1
clia Posted January 21, 2013 Posted January 21, 2013 I don't believe in these 1+ year relationships. Dating for 3 years? Why still dating? I'll tell you why: one or both of you are holding out (marriage) until either something better comes along, or keep the person around as a safety net if no one better comes along. I agree with this. What do you want out of this relationship? If you are looking for marriage and can't even move in with this girl after 3+ years, she doesn't seem to be the one for you.
serial muse Posted January 22, 2013 Posted January 22, 2013 Leave. I have to agree - sadly, I suspect this is the only answer that will help move you forward. Sorry, Phateless, you obviously care about this woman, but you guys aren't getting any traction. Maybe it's time to step outside of this relationship and get some perspective on where you are?
Author Phateless Posted January 25, 2013 Author Posted January 25, 2013 I have to agree - sadly, I suspect this is the only answer that will help move you forward. Sorry, Phateless, you obviously care about this woman, but you guys aren't getting any traction. Maybe it's time to step outside of this relationship and get some perspective on where you are? I don't know what else to do to interrupt our patterns.
Radu Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 She started in on me with the moving in pressure and fighting after we'd only been together 3 months, and we've been in this cycle ever since. I guess I should have recognized the big red flag back then. I'm afraid if I leave I'll regret it, but what else can I do? So, after 5yrs together, both of you are still dragging your feet about finishing this relationship. Fantastic job man ! 1
TaraMaiden Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 Originally Posted by Phateless I don't know what else to do to interrupt our patterns.Of course you do. Don't be so obtuse.... The thing about patterns is that they repeat. The standard thing to do is to observe what happened the last time this pattern 'repeated' - and NOT do it this time. Change tack. Give a different response. But this isn't a pattern any more, is it......? This is now a 'habit'. And it's a habit you both feed and play in to. You're co-dependent, because you not only have a habit - you orchestrate and arrange it, quite willingly. Otherise, this would have stopped years ago. This is your life, now as you live it. And will continue to be for the foreseeable future. because you've CHOSEN it that way.
CarrieT Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I'm afraid if I leave I'll regret it, but what else can I do? That is life - the fear, I mean... But is that fear of regret bigger than your fear of living an entire life like this with a woman with whom you argue with? Trust me, your life is far from over and at 25, she still has a lot of growing and changing to do as well. I'd suggest you move on now while you still can... 1
Author Phateless Posted January 29, 2013 Author Posted January 29, 2013 That is life - the fear, I mean... But is that fear of regret bigger than your fear of living an entire life like this with a woman with whom you argue with? Trust me, your life is far from over and at 25, she still has a lot of growing and changing to do as well. I'd suggest you move on now while you still can... I guess I just don't know if there is truly something better (relationship) or if I just have fear of commitment?
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