vsmini Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 I hope you get your money back - it sucks when money is tied up with an ex. My ex dropped me right before (day before) a very expensive wedding we were planning to attend. So I never got his half of transportation/hotel/wedding gift cost that he agreed to pay. We even booked the more expensive method of transportation because he wanted it that way and I never got my money back - his half racked up to $550. Damn. Nothing finer than sitting next to an empty chair at a wedding reception and shooing away the waiter that can't figure out why there's an extra chicken entree for the table but nobody to claim it. Sorry - I'm using this to insert my sob story. I just used the money and the wedding BS as an excuse to maintain contact with him. Should have dropped it....not worth the $550 imo
Leda Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 "Dumpers" and "Dumpees" aren't two different species, like mice and alligators. In a lot of breakups, it's even unclear which person is which. We are all people though. It's full-on wrong that someone being successfully No Contact without a slip--"dumper" or "dumpee"--automatically means they aren't pining away and eating their heart out. Some people are trying to be respectful and give the ex space, some are trying to heal and move on, some (this was me while I was NC--not one slip-up!! Ever!! Ooooh, what a great achievement--I made sure he didn't know I cared! When I really did! Congratulations to me! Go Leda! Woot.) are prideful, guarded, and being self-protective. Sometimes BOTH people are thinking, "If she/he cared, she/he would've been in touch already." In this case, it sounds like you were trying to prove something to her and to yourself with the cold text, and with harshly judging her response. Um, congratulations? If a guy sent me a cold text to get his stuff back, whether I was dumper or dumpee, however the breakup had gone down, I would assume HE was trying to let me know that he wanted to keep the interaction terse and impersonal, and I would try to respect that. Let me get this straight: YOU not politely asking how she was, or checking in with her over the past two months, means "I am bitter and furious and deeply hurt and spend my time posting on a website for the lovelorn, strategizing, and helping other people strategize, how to keep their exes from knowing they are pining away." HER not politely asking how you were, or checking in with you over the past two months, means that not only did she barely even notice losing you, and that she doesn't care at all, but also that NO human being in the whole world who's left someone and gone NC is suffering or wants to reconcile? None of it is so black and white.
fetish Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 To be honest, her response was pretty subtle. Your text message was strictly business. Given those circumstances, you're asking for your stuff back, you're asking for your money back, she's not exactly going to be falling over you trying to spark a conversation. Your ex is better than mine. As my ex was moving out of the apartment, I had noticed the night before that she had boxed up almost about 30 DVDs that belonged to me. I got them out and hid them. Sent her a message the next day asking her to wait until i'm at the house before she take anything else out of the apartment. She didn't even reply!
betterdeal Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 betterdeal, i just meant that if she suggests something that doesn't suit him, he should be ready to say no and state the alternative. She doesn't have to set the parameters. And i thought that limiting contact as much as possible is best. I found it a bit of a setback once to meet up with an ex for only 5 minutes. Was unsettling to see them again. Granted, i still had feelings, but in hindsight i shouldn't have gone because there were alternatives and it was more stress than it was worth Fine, so suggest putting it in the mail or giving it to a trusted third party to give to him. Waiting for her to come up with the solution is just dragging it out. Getting it over and done with is the primary objective. If talking to her straight (and sending a text instead of phoning suggests that) then arrange an alternative way to get the goods.
Author JasonRules Posted May 13, 2011 Author Posted May 13, 2011 "Dumpers" and "Dumpees" aren't two different species, like mice and alligators. In a lot of breakups, it's even unclear which person is which. We are all people though. It's full-on wrong that someone being successfully No Contact without a slip--"dumper" or "dumpee"--automatically means they aren't pining away and eating their heart out. Some people are trying to be respectful and give the ex space, some are trying to heal and move on, some (this was me while I was NC--not one slip-up!! Ever!! Ooooh, what a great achievement--I made sure he didn't know I cared! When I really did! Congratulations to me! Go Leda! Woot.) are prideful, guarded, and being self-protective. Sometimes BOTH people are thinking, "If she/he cared, she/he would've been in touch already." In this case, it sounds like you were trying to prove something to her and to yourself with the cold text, and with harshly judging her response. Um, congratulations? If a guy sent me a cold text to get his stuff back, whether I was dumper or dumpee, however the breakup had gone down, I would assume HE was trying to let me know that he wanted to keep the interaction terse and impersonal, and I would try to respect that. Let me get this straight: YOU not politely asking how she was, or checking in with her over the past two months, means "I am bitter and furious and deeply hurt and spend my time posting on a website for the lovelorn, strategizing, and helping other people strategize, how to keep their exes from knowing they are pining away." HER not politely asking how you were, or checking in with you over the past two months, means that not only did she barely even notice losing you, and that she doesn't care at all, but also that NO human being in the whole world who's left someone and gone NC is suffering or wants to reconcile? None of it is so black and white. Leda, I agree with some of the points you raise; nothing in life is black or white. I'm sure the truth is somewhere in the middle. Perhaps, I might be painting her out to be much worse than what she really is. Perhaps, there are days where she does miss me or think about me, or even considers the possibility of reconciling. I don't know the answers to these questions as I am not a mind reader. I can only assume to know based on someone's actions. The last week we saw each other she did tell me on numerous occasions that she has "very strong feelings for me" and that she didn't know if we were "done" as a couple, but I have to weigh her words against her actions. The last week she would not kiss me on the lips to greet me. She was distant, cold, and her demeanor seemed guarded. I felt as though I was with another person entirely. In any case, if the truth was somewhere in the middle I think 2 months+ of NC would give someone ample time to see what life is like without them, especially since we were spending almost everyday together either on the phone or in person. During those 2 months I never heard from her at all even though I indirectly allowed the door open. So I think it comes down to two possibilities; either she is with someone else, but didn't have the guts to tell me, but strung me along for many months or indeed has no feelings for me and was just saying these things to make me feel better or herself not as bad. I'm a man, so of course its difficult to get into the mind of a woman.
Leda Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Yeah, it sounds like whatever she might or might not be thinking, her actions and your interactions are not meeting your needs or making you feel happy and fulfilled. So you are moving on. I just don't like having one case extended to mean something like--"our exes aren't in pain or "struggling" to find themselves etc etc. They simply don't care." Some exes are in pain. Some are "struggling" to find themselves. Some are etcetera-ing, or etcetera-ing. Some don't care.
nessaaa Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 I broke NC today too...we didnt even break up just stopped talking...i asked him how he was doing....NO REPLY haahahahahaha omg wtf? he msged me. I dont feel stupid anymore pheww.
muzik_lvr Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 @JasonRules - It sounds like her reply to you was a mask to how she may be really feeling, and also a response to the tone of your text. But I don't know your situation fully so I could be wrong. @nessaaa - I'm curious..when you say you two just stopped talking to each other, what exactly do you mean? That sounds kind of strange.
Desensitized Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 I don't know why everyone is questioning what Jason did. All he did was ask for his stuff back in a calm, business-like manner -straight and to the point. How else was he supposed to ask for his stuff back? NC means no contact, and he didn't initiate any small talk. I'd say props for keeping your emotions out of this one, Jason.
vsmini Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 I don't know why everyone is questioning what Jason did. All he did was ask for his stuff back in a calm, business-like manner -straight and to the point. How else was he supposed to ask for his stuff back? NC means no contact, and he didn't initiate any small talk. I'd say props for keeping your emotions out of this one, Jason. I agree that he did the right thing by keeping it very short and to the point.
nessaaa Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 @JasonRules - It sounds like her reply to you was a mask to how she may be really feeling, and also a response to the tone of your text. But I don't know your situation fully so I could be wrong. @nessaaa - I'm curious..when you say you two just stopped talking to each other, what exactly do you mean? That sounds kind of strange. I felt like he didnt care about the relationship and decided to stop trying. To let him contact me from now on, he only contacted me once, that was about a month ago. then today I msged him, he asked me if we were still together, I said no. I changed the subject and asked him about school and stuff he ignored it and said that it doesnt seem like i miss him. He told me to hold on..but never returned back to the convo.
Author JasonRules Posted May 14, 2011 Author Posted May 14, 2011 @JasonRules - It sounds like her reply to you was a mask to how she may be really feeling, and also a response to the tone of your text. But I don't know your situation fully so I could be wrong. @nessaaa - I'm curious..when you say you two just stopped talking to each other, what exactly do you mean? That sounds kind of strange. She text me back again later this evening a few more times. Her tone was teasing/playful. Very strange...
Author JasonRules Posted May 14, 2011 Author Posted May 14, 2011 It's definitely been a weird day. I guess they all got the memo. About 5 women whom I've gone out on dates with contacted me today. The ex girlfriend send me more text messages which had a teasing/playful tone about them and my ex wife contacted me out of nowhere as well. What a day...
muzik_lvr Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 She text me back again later this evening a few more times. Her tone was teasing/playful. Very strange... Wow...interesting. What was she saying??
betterdeal Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Given that you texted to get some stuff two months after splitting up, you've not phoned her to arrange collection of your stuff, and not deleted her phone number, and don't sound angry at the latest texts, I think you've got what you wanted out of this interaction. What do you want now?
Author JasonRules Posted May 14, 2011 Author Posted May 14, 2011 Wow...interesting. What was she saying?? She just said "Ok <my name>". "It's not a problem". Then she text back something I used to tease her about by saying the exact same thing in a playful type manner. Then "ahha" and some other stuff. Her tone was playful/goofy/funny. Odd...
Author JasonRules Posted May 14, 2011 Author Posted May 14, 2011 Given that you texted to get some stuff two months after splitting up, you've not phoned her to arrange collection of your stuff, and not deleted her phone number, and don't sound angry at the latest texts, I think you've got what you wanted out of this interaction. What do you want now? Nothing really. Ironically, one would imagine that they would be happy or elated by her responses, but to be honest I actually don't feel anything at all.
nessaaa Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 (edited) I felt like he didnt care about the relationship and decided to stop trying. To let him contact me from now on, he only contacted me once, that was about a month ago. then today I msged him, he asked me if we were still together, I said no. I changed the subject and asked him about school and stuff he ignored it and said that it doesnt seem like i miss him. He told me to hold on..but never returned back to the convo. Now I feel stupid all over again, I think my ego is hurt or something, he said hold on brb and never returned LOL. What the hell is his problem, does he not want to be friends at least?? I tried having a simple convo, he ignored my questions.. He just wanted to know if we were still a couple, and said I didnt miss him He doesnt care to talk...whoa. Edited May 14, 2011 by nessaaa
Author JasonRules Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 Well she called me today; we ended up talking for an hour. We caught up on things in our lives etc. No one ever referred to the past, nor did I say I miss her or I want to see her or never once talked about the relationship. I didn't ask her out to dinner or for coffee either. It was kind of weird because it didn't seem like the last time we spoke was more than two months ago. In the beginning she was kind of apprehensive, but in less than a minute the tone of her voice softened. She ended the conversation because she had to walk her dog and get some medicine from the pharmacy; she said that she would try to call me later. Of course I never heard from her, but its strange. I actually really don't care. You see, tonight I was out on a date with a girl I have met. They are approximately the same age, but this one is much more mature, affable, and has her life in order. It's our second date and I really enjoy her company. I picked her up at 4PM and dropped her off at her place at 10PM, but then we ended up talking in the car for an hour about life etc. Driving back home tonight, I couldn't help but make comparisons. Tonight I see things more clear, without the fog that comes with being overly emotional. Tonight my ex seems much less attractive to me. I am slowly, but truly becoming free of any attachment from her and am seeing her exactly for what she is. A woman with plenty of flaws, which I had overlooked in the past. Tonight though this new girl put things in perspective. Tonight, I took my ex down from the pedestal. Tonight is a turning point... Tonight is the first time I did not think about my ex while on a date. It happened naturally and I didn't try to force anything.
nessaaa Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 ^ and in her head, she probably thinks you guys will get back together, and is all happy..mean while your seeing another chick actually getting over her. smh
Author JasonRules Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 ^ and in her head, she probably thinks you guys will get back together, and is all happy..mean while your seeing another chick actually getting over her. smh I never got the feeling that she was happy or that we will get back together, although she did keep saying that all she's been doing is staying home, studying, hitting the gym and not really been going out. And that her friends will text her at 4AM, but she is sleeping. She also mentioned that some guys were hitting on her/asking her to come in for an open call for modeling, but that she never bothered to show up. I thought it was a little odd that she was kind of going out of her way to portray herself as an angel. I think what will end up happening is that she will see me at some point in the future and the feelings she had for me will/might be rekindled. She's always been attracted to me and especially now that I've been working out like a maniac her head will definitely turn, but I think I will not care because I will be involved with someone else who is better. Funny how things turn out sometimes...
Author JasonRules Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 Looking back, I think its good in a way that she called me and we spoke for an hour. Obviously being in NC for 2+ months tends to create this idealized image of our exes where we only remember the good things about them and disregard the rest. This in combination with a great date made me have an epiphany driving back home in the car.
betterdeal Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 So you're on speaking / friendly terms with your ex and there's a girl you have a bit of a thing for and it's mutual. This all sounds pretty good to me, my friend.
Desensitized Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I have to agree with betterdeal, sounds like things are going well for you, Jason - glad to hear that.
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