betterdeal Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 It's strictly business and to the point. No need for any "How have you been?" etc. This is good - you're both on the same page and being civil but not engaging in idle chit chat. Give her a clear suggestion as to how the goods end up in your possession. Get it over and done with.
Author JasonRules Posted May 13, 2011 Author Posted May 13, 2011 Er, I think you're reading too much into it. I also think you are very upset still. I have no idea how she feels. Get your stuff, build a bridge and get over this obstacle in your life journey. Yes of course I am upset, but at the same time I am firm. I refuse to let someone break my will, but I think its better to get this over with now than 4 months from now (in case things start to sour if she is currently seeing someone) and there is more drama. Better to cut the cord relatively early.
vsmini Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 JasonRules - I love your advice and I read what you say religiously, agreeing with almost everything. I find it a little odd though that you seem to be surprised by your exe's reaction giving everything you tell others on here NOT to do. Going by your usual advice, by acting catty and like an ******* showing emotion, isn't that basically conveying to your ex that you AREN'T over her? Of course she is going to respond cold and apathetically if you text her after 2 months of NC acting like an a**. If you were to follow your own advice, you should have been as indifferent as possible WITHOUT being an a**hole. That would have conveyed that you moved on and were doing fine without her much better than a message with an EFF you tone. SHOEGURL - this is pretty much what I was trying to say.
betterdeal Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Yes of course I am upset, but at the same time I am firm. I refuse to let someone break my will, but I think its better to get this over with now than 4 months from now (in case things start to sour if she is currently seeing someone) and there is more drama. Better to cut the cord relatively early. I completely agree. You'll be able to let it out safely when the last bits of the estate are sorted out.
Gisele Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 I would wait like you were planning to do until she suggests something. And if you don't like it? Tell her you're actually pretty busy now and if she could just send it to you like you said. Means no more contact has to be made, she's not calling the shots, and you're not being rude: just direct i know a lot of people are saying you would have come across as rude and hurting to her. I don't know what you actually wrote, but unless it was abusive, a bit of coldness isn't inappropriate. You don't owe her any little pleasantries. If you had jumped in there with a bunch of 'how have you been keeping?', 'hope the family is good' etc, it would have looked worse in my opinion. Dumpers will expect you to make attempts to patch things up: don't give her the satisfaction I say keep doing what you're doing - aloof but not impolite
confused2134 Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 All I'm saying here is it's probably troubling to think this woman I shared so much with and shared so much time with has gotten over and forgotten about me so quick. However, what we don't think about is they're probably thinking the same thing. Sure they chose to end it but they were in the relationship too. It's not like they have a leg up on you, just realized it was broken faster. Most of us on here are probably not talking to our exes either, which almost definately makes them wonder, what's going on? How is he ok with this? We just don't look at things this way ever.
nyc_guy2003 Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Hate to be blunt but you got what you deserved. If you text her a pile of stinking ***** what do you expect to receive back, a bouquet of roses? Classic case of cake eating.
MidnightinMadrid Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Dude you lead this whole exes are evil rebellion thing you got going on. Chances are she's hurting too and just doing the same thing that you're doing. You don't just leave a couple years of your life and forget about the person, they're people too. Sure it seems ****ed up that she dumped you for whatever reason she did but that's life and I'm sure you have and will do it to people in the future. Exes are people too and as much as you can be mad at them, if it's not meant to be it's not. And if they're making a mistake all you can do is hope they realize that mistake. They definately hurt for us at some point or another. Are you some sort of an ex advocate? yes they are people too but realize that people can be very self-centered and dont care how their actions affect others. We live in a ok i'm tired,bored,lets see whose better out there. Its realistic but doesnt make it right. They are people but what goes around comes around also.
Author JasonRules Posted May 13, 2011 Author Posted May 13, 2011 SHOEGURL - this is pretty much what I was trying to say. I agree to an extent, but I think one has to be careful when trying to convey such a message because it might be perceived as a "green light" or open invitation to start receiving text messages or have light chat on her part with the idea being "Well he's fine now, so we can be friends". I think my tone conveyed the message of "I'm not interested in being nice or friends", "stay away from me", or "Do not even think of texting me".
betterdeal Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 I would wait like you were planning to do until she suggests something. Why? What purpose does it serve to prologue a simple task of collecting some things like you would pick up supplies from a shop, other than to achieve some sort of pyrrhic victory? Just get your stuff. Stop worrying so much about it. It's your stuff. Go collect it, then spend the cash on a holiday or something.
confused2134 Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Are you some sort of an ex advocate? yes they are people too but realize that people can be very self-centered and dont care how their actions affect others. We live in a ok i'm tired,bored,lets see whose better out there. Its realistic but doesnt make it right. They are people but what goes around comes around also. Ex advocate? This is the immature stuff I'm talking about. All I look at my ex girlfriend now as si a memory. A great distant memory. That's fine it's part of life. They're not the enemy, they probably showed us some of the greatest times in our lives and some of the most fun that we've had. In doign that we had to give them the power to be able to hurt us more than anyone else can. I'm not going to waste my energy or my time being mad at something I can't change or being mad at somebody that showed me some of the best times I've had in my life. It took me about 3 months to get to this point, and sure I'm still hurt, sure I'd still like to get her back if it would work, but until she does something actually wrong to me I am not going to waste my time or energy being mad at her.
Author JasonRules Posted May 13, 2011 Author Posted May 13, 2011 I would wait like you were planning to do until she suggests something. And if you don't like it? Tell her you're actually pretty busy now and if she could just send it to you like you said. Means no more contact has to be made, she's not calling the shots, and you're not being rude: just direct i know a lot of people are saying you would have come across as rude and hurting to her. I don't know what you actually wrote, but unless it was abusive, a bit of coldness isn't inappropriate. You don't owe her any little pleasantries. If you had jumped in there with a bunch of 'how have you been keeping?', 'hope the family is good' etc, it would have looked worse in my opinion. Dumpers will expect you to make attempts to patch things up: don't give her the satisfaction I say keep doing what you're doing - aloof but not impolite Definitely not abusive. Firm, to the point, cold, unemotional, and no conveying of "I miss you" etc etc. She may be a little ticked I showed no regard for her on her birthday, which was 2 weeks after she ended things, or never bothered wishing her a Happy Easter etc. I went from the nice, warm, affectionate, always available guy and did a complete 180 with an attitude of "You don't even exist". No pleading, no begging, no crying, no texting, calling, emailing, asking friends about her...nothing, nada, zilch...
bl22 Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Jason, if i was you. Dont meet her in person. Even if you act cold to her, you will just come across as a bitter, sad man im afriad. If you act happy, it may seem to fake. Whatever you do, it wont look good on your part since you said yourself you stil have feelings for her. It will be hard to hide that without appearing very bitter. Ask her to mail you the stuff. As for the money, get her to send online via paypal or send a cheque to you. Also, Im just wondering what you think on this because its bothered me a little... About 2 months before my ex left me, she spent around £350 on my birthday present which was so nice of her. However, having it now just reminds me of her. Why would she spend that much money on me if she was planning to break up with me? That says to me that what she did was on impulse when breaking up. Also i had bought her birthday presents for her birthday in december which I never got the chance to give her because we werent together. I followed peoples advice and didnt contact her on her birthday. I stil have these gifts, and a ton of stuff Ive put in a box....letters, cards, t shirts of hers, t shirts she bought me. I dont want to break NC, and I dont want to hear from her again, but I can't help feeling a little strange about it all...having all this stuff. She has stuff of mine too but she can keep all that for the sake of us not contacting again. I wouldnt feel right selling the present she got me, and after she left me a broken man I dont feel sending her money out of the blue, would be appropiate...almost like she gets money for breaking my heart and betraying me.
Gisele Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 betterdeal, i just meant that if she suggests something that doesn't suit him, he should be ready to say no and state the alternative. She doesn't have to set the parameters. And i thought that limiting contact as much as possible is best. I found it a bit of a setback once to meet up with an ex for only 5 minutes. Was unsettling to see them again. Granted, i still had feelings, but in hindsight i shouldn't have gone because there were alternatives and it was more stress than it was worth
Author JasonRules Posted May 13, 2011 Author Posted May 13, 2011 Jason, if i was you. Dont meet her in person. Even if you act cold to her, you will just come across as a bitter, sad man im afriad. If you act happy, it may seem to fake. Whatever you do, it wont look good on your part since you said yourself you stil have feelings for her. It will be hard to hide that without appearing very bitter. Ask her to mail you the stuff. As for the money, get her to send online via paypal or send a cheque to you. Also, Im just wondering what you think on this because its bothered me a little... About 2 months before my ex left me, she spent around £350 on my birthday present which was so nice of her. However, having it now just reminds me of her. Why would she spend that much money on me if she was planning to break up with me? That says to me that what she did was on impulse when breaking up. Also i had bought her birthday presents for her birthday in december which I never got the chance to give her because we werent together. I followed peoples advice and didnt contact her on her birthday. I stil have these gifts, and a ton of stuff Ive put in a box....letters, cards, t shirts of hers, t shirts she bought me. I dont want to break NC, and I dont want to hear from her again, but I can't help feeling a little strange about it all...having all this stuff. She has stuff of mine too but she can keep all that for the sake of us not contacting again. I wouldnt feel right selling the present she got me, and after she left me a broken man I dont feel sending her money out of the blue, would be appropiate...almost like she gets money for breaking my heart and betraying me. BL, I think asking her to mail me everything is probably the best way to go. I'm not sure what she's going to think of as to get me my things back. I'll consider when that happens. As for your situation, I think you have 2 options: 1. You mail her the stuff and are done with it 2. You donate the stuff to charity and be on the receiving end of some good karma.
nessaaa Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 I broke NC today too...we didnt even break up just stopped talking...i asked him how he was doing....NO REPLY haahahahahaha omg wtf?
Author JasonRules Posted May 13, 2011 Author Posted May 13, 2011 I broke NC today too...we didnt even break up just stopped talking...i asked him how he was doing....NO REPLY haahahahahaha omg wtf? This was a mistake. You never break NC just to "chat".
nessaaa Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 This was a mistake. You never break NC just to "chat". I know it was a mistake now, I feel so stupid. He's ignoring my msg last convo we had a month ago we were fine, no hate, no bitterness. I just asked how he was doing sheesh! just checking up on him. this is making me laugh, but it hurts.
fetish Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Jason Buddy! I know that text shocked you in some way. Her care free response "Oh yes of course", that was retaliation in a way without aggressive retaliation. She was simply playing tough probably because of the tone of your messge. Did your text open with "How are you doing?" Or anything? Even if you did, it still wasn't a text she probably wanted to hear which is why she reacted that way. Chances are, she's been in pain too. My ex did a retaliation too. When i asked for the apartment key back, she's then going to ask me for her car key back, the car i cosigned for that she could get. There's no way she's getting that car key back because if she misses a payment and marks my credit again, i'm going to have to take the car, and i really pray it never comes to that because that could get ugly.
vsmini Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 You know guys - reading into what a text message did or did not mean and mulling over it again and again in our heads disturbs exactly what NO CONTACT is supposed to achieve. It doesn't matter! Forget the "ohhhh man! she was so mean with that text...how could she do that?!" Who cares? Girl is done and over with. We need to have that mentality, right? NEXT!
nessaaa Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 I feel soooooo stupid...like he's slapping me in the face! LOL. wow. Now I have to figure out how to stop feeling stupid. Why cant he just say "ohh im doing fine" and done. Am I that awful? am I annoying? what's the problem? now im getting mad.
nessaaa Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 If he had no bitter feelings towards me, he would reply right?
Author JasonRules Posted May 13, 2011 Author Posted May 13, 2011 Jason Buddy! I know that text shocked you in some way. Her care free response "Oh yes of course", that was retaliation in a way without aggressive retaliation. She was simply playing tough probably because of the tone of your messge. Did your text open with "How are you doing?" Or anything? Even if you did, it still wasn't a text she probably wanted to hear which is why she reacted that way. Chances are, she's been in pain too. My ex did a retaliation too. When i asked for the apartment key back, she's then going to ask me for her car key back, the car i cosigned for that she could get. There's no way she's getting that car key back because if she misses a payment and marks my credit again, i'm going to have to take the car, and i really pray it never comes to that because that could get ugly. No, I never asked how she is doing. I wrote the following: "Hi <name>. I was wondering if you could give me back my CDs and scarf that you still have. Also, if you can pay me the <amount> that you borrowed last year from me by the end of June, I'd appreciate it. Thanks" It was short, direct, unemotional, and to the point. No pleasantries or fluff. She texted me back 4 minutes later with "Yes of course". I never text her back after this. The message I sent was definitely not the nice guy she used to know, but as I said I'm keeping this strictly business.
Author JasonRules Posted May 13, 2011 Author Posted May 13, 2011 You know guys - reading into what a text message did or did not mean and mulling over it again and again in our heads disturbs exactly what NO CONTACT is supposed to achieve. It doesn't matter! Forget the "ohhhh man! she was so mean with that text...how could she do that?!" Who cares? Girl is done and over with. We need to have that mentality, right? NEXT! Vsmini, I agree, although if I wasn't thinking about her at all I would be completely over her and there would be no need for NC at all, but as you can imagine our minds tell us one thing and our emotions tell us another. I'm trying very hard to let logic and my mind prevail over my emotions and this, I think, is testament to the fact that I am very disciplined in my NC and even though I did break NC today it was not about her or me, but rather about getting my stuff and money back and moving on.
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