fascinated Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 I've read some here about NC, which is still sort of a foreign concept to me. I'm thinking about implementing it for my EA which is a LDR. Last night on the phone we had a moment of annoyance towards each other and haven't had any contact since. He's supposed to be visiting family here in a few weeks, and I'm a bit concerned that the EA could become a PA if we aren't careful. I'm thinking NC might be a good idea. My question is do you have to contact the person to let them know you're implementing NC or do you just let your silence speak for itself?
ladydesigner Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 I've read some here about NC, which is still sort of a foreign concept to me. I'm thinking about implementing it for my EA which is a LDR. Last night on the phone we had a moment of annoyance towards each other and haven't had any contact since. He's supposed to be visiting family here in a few weeks, and I'm a bit concerned that the EA could become a PA if we aren't careful. I'm thinking NC might be a good idea. My question is do you have to contact the person to let them know you're implementing NC or do you just let your silence speak for itself? I let my XOM know I was going NC so that he wouldn't keep sending me emails or call to ask me why I am not responding. After I sent the NC email I blocked. I did notice an email response that went to my trash and then he tried to connect through Linkedin (a professional networking site). Silence from then on has spoken for itself. I have not received any fishing for about 2 years now. It worked and I am over him.
jwi71 Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 I've read some here about NC, which is still sort of a foreign concept to me. I'm thinking about implementing it for my EA which is a LDR. Last night on the phone we had a moment of annoyance towards each other and haven't had any contact since. He's supposed to be visiting family here in a few weeks, and I'm a bit concerned that the EA could become a PA if we aren't careful. I'm thinking NC might be a good idea. My question is do you have to contact the person to let them know you're implementing NC or do you just let your silence speak for itself? While I agree NC is is the best course of action and a very good idea, it won't work for you. For now anyway. You just haven't hurt enough, lost enough, cried enough to get that point. All you will accomplish is setting NC then breaking it. And the lesson your MM will learn is "I've got her now" as his ego purrs with delight. NC is your BEST hope and ENDING an A, not used because you are irritated at him. One other thing, when you escalate to PA, this irritation you feel now is NOTHING compared to what lies ahead. I know, you're too careful, too smart, too aware, too <<whatever>> to let that happen to you. That's what they all say. Oh, the best way to actually implement NC (when you get there emotionally) is to send a terse email saying something to the effect of: "**** you you lousy SoB. Never ever contact me again as I'm done with you. Every contact from hence forth goes straight to your W. Try me, I dare you." Then you block his IM, email and phone. Then, after several weeks of what seems unbearable pain and loss...you begin to live again. Then, a few months down the road, the REAL healing begins. Then, it seems to be about a year-ish, you marvel at how stupid you were and how much of YOU you gave up for HIM.
Author fascinated Posted May 13, 2011 Author Posted May 13, 2011 I see your point about not being hurt enough, just annoyed. There's still not much invested in this, which makes it easier to walk away, right? I guess I'm really only looking at LC which is easier to do when I'm annoyed because I'm not missing him at all. That seems like a safe emotion to hold onto, one based in reality not fantasy. Just to clarify, he's not married, I am. He does have a gf who is living with him at the moment. He keeps talking about breaking it off and moving here to be closer to his family, but I've quit believing he will ever do it. Haven't even known him a year and already thinking he's full of it.
Author fascinated Posted May 13, 2011 Author Posted May 13, 2011 And no, I'm not too smart, too careful, or too aware. I'm needy with boundary issues. I can see myself getting sucked in. I have a harder time seeing myself doing the right thing. That's what really bothers me.
Owl Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 I'll answer your question pretty much out right... ...you tell them you're going NC, and why. Because if you don't, they'll have this burning need for 'closure'...which will result in NC being broken. Often we see people here "go NC" but not tell their affair partner...and I believe that the reason they do this is because they KNOW that NC will be brokn as a result...and so then it's just a mind game and not a true effort at ending the affair and walking away. My other thought is this...if you're going to go NC...then do it. Don't play at it, don't "try", don't just partially take half measures, don't just do it "for a time to see how it works"...or else you're just wasting your time and causing extra drama. Just tell them it's happening, end the affair...and take active measures to prevent any contact resuming between you ever again. Not easy...but simple. See my signature for more understanding.
26pointblue Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 (edited) I disagree with Jwi to some extent. I think it may depend on the type of person you are & the nature of your relationship [i admit I do not know enough about your backstory so this is my general advice based on my experience]. Jwi is right that if you are not ready to end the affair once & for all, going NC won't 'work' in that you will break it [or he will & you will allow it] & be back at stage 1, which in many ways is a big set-back & can start to feel like a never-ending process for which you feel confused & beat yourself up. But. It does 'work' in that you start to realize you can take some power & control over the situation, & you really can get by without him. And for some people it's one of those things they have to 'try' until they are really at the point that they're ready to enforce it for good. Baby steps, I guess. I went through many many many different tries of NC & for many different reasons. I didn't know it was called NC at first- I would just break up with him or 'take a break' to think, for my own sanity, & those times were very helpful for me even though they did not 'work' in terms of ending the affair. [but since that wasn't my goal - my goal was sanity & time apart, those times did 'work' because they fulfilled my goals.] Then after another D-Day & realizing he was not choosing me, at least not then & I really felt like I couldn't handle waiting on him anymore, I went NC with the intention of actually being free of him. Still it didn't 'work' right away in terms of being done with him but looking back I think it 'worked' in that it was very helpful in propelling me to the final stage of acceptance & closure. For me I had to keep trying until I got it right. But Jwi is right in that it won't bring you final closure & end of the affair unless you are sure you want that & do everything to make it happen. As for your more practical question of how to initiate NC, I have initiated it every way possible & then some- angrily, forcefully, 'please don't take me seriously'-ly, sadly, desperately, 'I hope you can tell I'm just kidding'-ly, happily, with relief, with frustration, with tenacity, etc. etc. etc. I think there is no 'right' way to do it, but just doing it is the most important thing, especially if you are aware that it's probably not going to last long-term & you just want to try it & see how you feel. [i'm not recommending that as the best course of action but I think that's usually how NC is done]. I would 100% NOT recommend Jwi's way of sending a message full of hate- of name-calling & threats- because to me it is mean & I am just not a mean person. When I have left xMM with anger & bitterness in my heart & meanness to him, it did not sit well with me. I could not find peace & truly want to leave it in the past. No matter what our issues or my anger with him, I do believe he loved me in his way, I loved him in my way, & the relationship meant something to me, & I could not end it on that kind of a note. I just do not think that is the right way to find closure & it is also not nice to be threatening or name-call your MM no matter what he has done to you. Two wrongs don't make a right & you are only responsible for the way you treat him- which IMO should be kindly if he ever meant anything to you at all, which he clearly did/does. I don't know how someone could live with themselves if they ended a relationship with another human being on that note- I know I sure couldn't, & that is something that was an obstacle to my NC attempts. I realized I couldn't end it out of frustration in a reaction of something he hadn't done or done to me [Fine, you said you would call but you didn't because your wife was there, then I'm done with you & I'm not talking to you anymore ever, & I just may tell your wife, so take that you piece of s&*t]. I would feel bad about it later & I wouldn't feel any more in control than I did before I tried to go NC. Instead I had to sit quietly & truly realize why I needed to go NC overall [not in reaction to one event] & what I wanted & what was best for me, & then end it with him as peacefully as possible, & with love. On the other hand when I tried to end it too mushily, like 'oh I'll miss you, I wish you the best, but if things don't work out . . .' then that still held open the door to him & in my heart, & made me feel too wistful, etc. I had to get myself in the mindset where no matter how I felt about him -- good, bad, ugly, happy, in love, hating him, etc. -- I was done with him because logically the relationship & situation wasn't right for me & I knew I could not move on & find something better like I deserved while I was still tied to him. I knew he was hurting too & I didn't want to make things worse for him but I also didn't want to leave myself a rope to hang onto. All that being said, the way I finally did it that stuck was upon the advice of a really helpful poster here named BB07. I sent him a final message that said 'I hope you have a good life, but I can no longer be any part of it. Goodbye.' This is after I had already instituted NC but I was half-in, half-out because he kept calling me with updates & letting me know his feelings & I kept listening to his messages & reading his emails etc. So this was kind of my NC to myself- my own closure & my way to say, I am done with this, I am letting it go & moving on for good. I got some flack here for breaking NC to tell him I was really going NC [ha ha], but I knew it was the way I needed to do it. I hadn't realized it at first & once I did I knew I would do it & stick to it [it took me awhile to get to the point where I was ready to do it, & even then, I wasn't truly ready but I knew I had to do it & then get ready to live with it . . . & that is what has happened.] I also knew he would understand- sure, he could play dumb & be like, huh?, you've already not been talking to me so why are you telling me goodbye NOW?, but he & I had a very close bond & he always 'got' me so I knew he would understand what I meant & that I was done for good. And even if not, I still had to do it that way, for myself. I think that is when one is ready for real NC -- when you're doing it for yourself, & not to get any reaction from xMM or any change in the relationship etc. I realize your situation is different because you are married, you are the cake-eater like my xMM was the cake-eater - & it makes it a bit different because as a single OW my biggest issue was feeling like I had no power or control, he had everything & me on the side, & I had nothing but him. [it felt like that but I learned it wasn't true. ] So I think this different dynamic changes some stuff but that is my advice based on my situation. Really my only advice is that you have to go through the process & emotions & really be as ready as possible, & to know that no matter what emotions you feel, you have to know in your head & your heart that you are done & for what reasons, & you have to concentrate on those reasons & take ACTION to enforce what you really want. Good luck. Edited May 13, 2011 by 26pointblue
ladydesigner Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 I'll answer your question pretty much out right... ...you tell them you're going NC, and why. Because if you don't, they'll have this burning need for 'closure'...which will result in NC being broken. Often we see people here "go NC" but not tell their affair partner...and I believe that the reason they do this is because they KNOW that NC will be brokn as a result...and so then it's just a mind game and not a true effort at ending the affair and walking away. My other thought is this...if you're going to go NC...then do it. Don't play at it, don't "try", don't just partially take half measures, don't just do it "for a time to see how it works"...or else you're just wasting your time and causing extra drama. Just tell them it's happening, end the affair...and take active measures to prevent any contact resuming between you ever again. Not easy...but simple. See my signature for more understanding. GREAT post Owl!
jwi71 Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Jwi is right that if you are not ready to end the affair once & for all, going NC won't 'work' in that you will break it [or he will & you will allow it] & be back at stage 1, which in many ways is a big set-back & can start to feel like a never-ending process for which you feel confused & beat yourself up. I call the above "NC-lite". NC is the immediate irrevocable END. Period. Anything else, IMO, is simply a game. A withholding of contact (the drug that each AP feels) to get a response - fishing by silence. Whenever I read these posts of LC or "one-way NC" I immediately know its bullshyte. NC is the END. Period. Witness recent threads about "broken NC"...why? Closure they say but I tend to think its a sliver of hope of getting the AP as a fulltime R. Or at least enough to keep the withdrawal symptoms to a minimum. In any case, its NOT the end, if it was, there would be nothing left to say or hear. But. It does 'work' in that you start to realize you can take some power & control over the situation, & you really can get by without him. I disagree - I find that all it does is prolong the misery. For me, NC is ALWAYS cold turkey very much like any drug rehab. You don't go to rehab to wean yourself off drugs, its cold turkey and hard. You'll find I draw strong parallels between A's and drug addiction and I also think that the treatment is the same: immediate, irrevocable and cold turkey NC with support of friends and family. Not doing less drugs until you are better. Not perfect analogy but you understand what Im saying - and yes, its harsh. Anyways... Then after another D-Day & realizing he was not choosing me, at least not then & I really felt like I couldn't handle waiting on him anymore, I went NC with the intention of actually being free of him. This is what "my path" prevents...more of him/her not choosing you and sparing even more self-doubt, hits to self-image and self-worth, minimize depression, etc....I used to say you can draw out the pain over a long time by going back and forth as opposed to taking it all in one large dose. But, I can't make anyone choose my way. And again, it requires a certain amount of inner strength to do it. Typically, all I can do by suggesting this is highlight "faulty thought processes" and contradictions between word and deed by both parties. If I get the OP thinking about that, I call it a success. But Jwi is right You said it and I agree!! Now to print this out for the GF...buwahahahaha in that it won't bring you final closure & end of the affair unless you are sure you want that & do everything to make it happen. Closure is a myth perpetuated by book-schilling pop-psychologists - no R EVER ends with closure. And don't get me started on worthless "self help books"...all a self-help book is a therapy theory monologue which is applied equally to all suckers (oops, I meant purchasers) of said books. Its like writing one response to a thread here on LS and simply pasting it for EVERY thread - patently ludicrous. If you want self-help, go to IC where a professional gives you individual attention for 60 minutes a pop. Much better way to spend time and money. Hey, I kept that to one small paragraph...<<pats self on back>> I would 100% NOT recommend Jwi's way of sending a message full of hate- of name-calling & threats- because to me it is mean & I am just not a mean person. Oh ok, it was a little over the top. But I still leave in the forwarding of contact attempts to the BS and DO IT if he thinks otherwise. You'd be amazed at how effective that is and think of his thought process if, after reading that line, he does so anyway. To me, it says just how little he thinks of you. Think about it. When I have left xMM with anger & bitterness in my heart & meanness to him, it did not sit well with me. I could not find peace & truly want to leave it in the past. No matter what our issues or my anger with him, I do believe he loved me in his way, I loved him in my way, & the relationship meant something to me, & I could not end it on that kind of a note. I just do not think that is the right way to find closure & it is also not nice to be threatening or name-call your MM no matter what he has done to you. Two wrongs don't make a right & you are only responsible for the way you treat him- which IMO should be kindly if he ever meant anything to you at all, which he clearly did/does. I don't know how someone could live with themselves if they ended a relationship with another human being on that note- I know I sure couldn't, & that is something that was an obstacle to my NC attempts. I realized I couldn't end it out of frustration in a reaction of something he hadn't done or done to me [Fine, you said you would call but you didn't because your wife was there, then I'm done with you & I'm not talking to you anymore ever, & I just may tell your wife, so take that you piece of s&*t]. I would feel bad about it later & I wouldn't feel any more in control than I did before I tried to go NC. Instead I had to sit quietly & truly realize why I needed to go NC overall [not in reaction to one event] & what I wanted & what was best for me, & then end it with him as peacefully as possible, & with love. On the other hand when I tried to end it too mushily, like 'oh I'll miss you, I wish you the best, but if things don't work out . . .' then that still held open the door to him & in my heart, & made me feel too wistful, etc. I had to get myself in the mindset where no matter how I felt about him -- good, bad, ugly, happy, in love, hating him, etc. -- I was done with him because logically the relationship & situation wasn't right for me & I knew I could not move on & find something better like I deserved while I was still tied to him. I knew he was hurting too & I didn't want to make things worse for him but I also didn't want to leave myself a rope to hang onto. All that being said, the way I finally did it that stuck was upon the advice of a really helpful poster here named BB07. I sent him a final message that said 'I hope you have a good life, but I can no longer be any part of it. Goodbye.' This is after I had already instituted NC but I was half-in, half-out because he kept calling me with updates & letting me know his feelings & I kept listening to his messages & reading his emails etc. So this was kind of my NC to myself- my own closure & my way to say, I am done with this, I am letting it go & moving on for good. I got some flack here for breaking NC to tell him I was really going NC [ha ha], but I knew it was the way I needed to do it. I hadn't realized it at first & once I did I knew I would do it & stick to it [it took me awhile to get to the point where I was ready to do it, & even then, I wasn't truly ready but I knew I had to do it & then get ready to live with it . . . & that is what has happened.] I also knew he would understand- sure, he could play dumb & be like, huh?, you've already not been talking to me so why are you telling me goodbye NOW?, but he & I had a very close bond & he always 'got' me so I knew he would understand what I meant & that I was done for good. And even if not, I still had to do it that way, for myself. I think that is when one is ready for real NC -- when you're doing it for yourself, & not to get any reaction from xMM or any change in the relationship etc. I love how you post, I really do...even if I don't necessarily agree. I'm still right BTW, you already said so.
fooled once Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 While I agree NC is is the best course of action and a very good idea, it won't work for you. For now anyway. You just haven't hurt enough, lost enough, cried enough to get that point. All you will accomplish is setting NC then breaking it. And the lesson your MM will learn is "I've got her now" as his ego purrs with delight. NC is your BEST hope and ENDING an A, not used because you are irritated at him. One other thing, when you escalate to PA, this irritation you feel now is NOTHING compared to what lies ahead. I know, you're too careful, too smart, too aware, too <<whatever>> to let that happen to you. That's what they all say. Oh, the best way to actually implement NC (when you get there emotionally) is to send a terse email saying something to the effect of: "**** you you lousy SoB. Never ever contact me again as I'm done with you. Every contact from hence forth goes straight to your W. Try me, I dare you." Then you block his IM, email and phone. Then, after several weeks of what seems unbearable pain and loss...you begin to live again. Then, a few months down the road, the REAL healing begins. Then, it seems to be about a year-ish, you marvel at how stupid you were and how much of YOU you gave up for HIM. I'll answer your question pretty much out right... ...you tell them you're going NC, and why. Because if you don't, they'll have this burning need for 'closure'...which will result in NC being broken. Often we see people here "go NC" but not tell their affair partner...and I believe that the reason they do this is because they KNOW that NC will be brokn as a result...and so then it's just a mind game and not a true effort at ending the affair and walking away. My other thought is this...if you're going to go NC...then do it. Don't play at it, don't "try", don't just partially take half measures, don't just do it "for a time to see how it works"...or else you're just wasting your time and causing extra drama. Just tell them it's happening, end the affair...and take active measures to prevent any contact resuming between you ever again. Not easy...but simple. See my signature for more understanding. I agree with jwl and Owl. Both are incredibly smart men! I hope my son has their intelligence, their passion, their loyalty and their humor.
26pointblue Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Well Jwi we will just have to agree to disagree on some aspects. I said I disagree with you to some extent, & agree with you to some extent. My way worked for me although I know it wasn't ideal [i don't think any situation like this ends ideally because it was messed up to begin with], so I'm just sharing in case it helps someone else. And your way must have worked for you [idk your story]. So here's to ending it, no matter how it ends.
myname Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 I disagree - I find that all it does is prolong the misery. For me, NC is ALWAYS cold turkey very much like any drug rehab. You don't go to rehab to wean yourself off drugs, its cold turkey and hard. You'll find I draw strong parallels between A's and drug addiction and I also think that the treatment is the same: immediate, irrevocable and cold turkey NC with support of friends and family. Not doing less drugs until you are better. Not perfect analogy but you understand what Im saying - and yes, its harsh. Anyways... Quote: Then after another D-Day & realizing he was not choosing me, at least not then & I really felt like I couldn't handle waiting on him anymore, I went NC with the intention of actually being free of him. This is what "my path" prevents...more of him/her not choosing you and sparing even more self-doubt, hits to self-image and self-worth, minimize depression While I can find petty reasons to disagree with the drug analogy, cos some drugs, such as anti depressants you should wean yourself off slowly, and serious alcoholics cannot just stop cold turkey... the rest of what you say is so painfully true, harsh for us who are trying to do it, but so true. Yes, having more contact just sets us up for further disappointment, blows to our self esteem and set backs to our moving on. It has taken me a long time to really understand it, but no contact really is no new pain. Hey, I've got enough of the old pain to deal with, why did I ever set myself up for anymore?
Author fascinated Posted May 13, 2011 Author Posted May 13, 2011 I appreciate everyone's perspective here! Maybe I'm not ready for NC, as I suspect I will run into him at some point and we'll have to continue the friends role to some degree. We were on a daily texting schedule, and neither has texted at all today, so I'm thinking we're on the same "pull away from this" thought. I don't need him. I can continue on perhaps even better without the distraction. Maybe it's mutual and doesn't need to be discussed.
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