AugustWest Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 My wife and I have been married for 8 years . We have a 4 year old little girl , there were some issues and we separated for 4 years and then after last Christmas decided to get back together , things were good . Now one of the main things was that I was going to get my own place in the same neighborhood and we were going to take it slow . Well shortly after I got here , things changed . She didn't want me to get my own place . Now that I have moved the 1200 miles back to her town and my daughter is really used to me being here in the morning and evening I agreed . I am not happy unless my daughter is around . My wife is as mean as they come . I cant do anything right and she constantly brings up the past and the first things out of her mouth when we fight are if you don't like it leave . I don't feel at home here ( her house ) and I am scared that if I do try and get my own place she will fill my baby girls head with bad stuff about me . I am not a bad guy . I used to drink a lot and stopped 3 years ago and have really changed my life .. I am miserable here and scared to make a move for fear that it will hurt my daughter ... if this where I suck it up till shes 18 ?? I have suggested a marriage counselor , but there is always an excuse why she cant make it .. my self confidence is shot and I have no idea what to do ..
Dust Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 My wife and I have been married for 8 years . We have a 4 year old little girl , there were some issues and we separated for 4 years and then after last Christmas decided to get back together , things were good . Now one of the main things was that I was going to get my own place in the same neighborhood and we were going to take it slow . Well shortly after I got here , things changed . She didn't want me to get my own place . Now that I have moved the 1200 miles back to her town and my daughter is really used to me being here in the morning and evening I agreed . I am not happy unless my daughter is around . My wife is as mean as they come . I cant do anything right and she constantly brings up the past and the first things out of her mouth when we fight are if you don't like it leave . I don't feel at home here ( her house ) and I am scared that if I do try and get my own place she will fill my baby girls head with bad stuff about me . I am not a bad guy . I used to drink a lot and stopped 3 years ago and have really changed my life .. I am miserable here and scared to make a move for fear that it will hurt my daughter ... if this where I suck it up till shes 18 ?? I have suggested a marriage counselor , but there is always an excuse why she cant make it .. my self confidence is shot and I have no idea what to do .. Step one gain some confidence. It’s apparent you’ve lost self respect for yourself. It doesn’t matter if its been this way for a while you can change it today. Do what you need to do so you have confidence and the rest will become clear. A lot of this is out of your control so don’t drive yourself crazy worrying about what is out of your control. You do what you can.
Stung Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Judging by your timeline, you and your wife separated when your daughter was born, and have been apart the entire four YEARS of her life. You say you were living 1200 miles away, so your wife was obviously raising your daughter by herself. I don't know what all of your issues were, although you have mentioned in passing that you were drinking. I'm guessing your issues went very deep and were pretty bad, for such a long separation right when most mothers would want their husbands around most. Just guessing, but it doesn't sound like your wife has ever really forgiven you. Perhaps she thought she had, but then the reality of having you around is dredging up bad memories and old resentments. Resentment is a killer, really hard to let go of for a lot of people, especially if they don't feel like their old grievances have been truly listened to, respected, and understood. By the way you gloss over your drinking years here, I have to wonder if you gloss them over with your wife, as well, without really understanding what it was like for her. There is another issue besides whatever issues broke apart your marriage, the issue of your wife raising a baby alone. That's HARD, and if you weren't there you can't really appreciate how hard it was. She might have a lot more anger in her than she initially thought. Ironically, some of that might be being brought up because you're back now and involved in your daughter's life, receiving your daughter's love. Your wife might be jealous of your daughter's affections, and feel bitter that after four years of doing all the hard work in the trenches of infancy, losing sleep, cleaning up puke, and now daddy waltzes back and he's new and exciting and suddenly he's getting all of the child's attention. Don't know if any of that's actually the case, but it's one possible view. Have you ever asked specifically her about any of this? I'm not saying that it's right for her to make you her whipping boy; particularly if you have really changed, she needs to find a healthier way to air her resentments. But you need to HELP her clear the air, not just expect everything to be coming up roses. Your suggestion to her of marriage counseling was the best way to go, as far as I can see. She rejected it once, but why? Does she feel threatened by therapy, or counselors? Is this another manifestation of her resentment, wherein she feels like the problem isn't hers, but yours? Is she defensive because she feels like she's being accused of being the source of all your current marital troubles, when she still feels emotionally mired in the troubles of your past? You might just have to insist on the marriage counseling. Make sure she knows it's because you want to fix the marriage and you both need help to figure out some new communication tools, not because you think SHE'S the problem. Consider offering to take individual counseling sessions as well, and asking if she will do the same. If she refuses again, you might have to just go back out and get that place nearby like you originally planned. She will probably see that as you leaving again, but it's not good for your daughter to be in a house so full of anger and resentment, either. If you do leave, you should really consider trying to stay closer this time. Your daughter needs a father, preferably one not 1200 miles away.
Alfie Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Hi so sorry about your situation but honestly you sound like a sorry mess. I think you're right, you're self confidence and esteem is shot and she can smell it on you. You need to stand up for yourself, to her, and for your rights as a father. Sounds like you've already made enough of a sacrifice by moving the distance and back in with them, against your own advice. If she is bullying you its bc you allow her to and she can sense weakness in you. I admire your desire to stay and make it work to keep your family together, but there are many men who do not tolerate this kind of behavior/abuse and still remain a big part of their children's lives. If you are a good person and a good father, no one will be able to fill your daughter's head with negative thoughts about you. Your wife is obviously not making an effort to fix this, and if keeps telling you to leave, then ask her firmly if she means it, if she does, than leave and stick with your decision. If she loves you, wants to keep her family together, and if she wants to work on herself also, than she will be forced to change and will beg for you back. This is just so sad. Good luck!
carhill Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 What kind of snake? TBH, I'd look for my own place nearby and take the pressure off. Also, hook up with the local AA folks and get a referral for some support/IC for yourself. You sound overwhelmed. Get centered first and focus on your role as a father in a positive way. Stay in the game, give it a solid, hard-working year, and then re-assess. If no joy, file for D and work out a custody arrangement. Your wife has her own issues and they and her behavior is outside of your control. IMO, that kind of toxic place is no place for a child. Since the child can't leave, de-escalate and calm things by removing yourself.
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