NewMoon2203 Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 (edited) Long distance lesbian break up, why doesnt she love me the same? Me and my ex-girlfriend met online over 3 years ago. We saw each other as often as possible, and made plans to move closer to one another, and move in together when we both finish our education. I won't lie and say that things were easy, because naturally they weren't. It wasnt made any easier by the fact that she suffers from chronic depression, and is known to have mood swings. We saw each other about 4 weeks ago for easter, and everything seemed fine. Then she went back to her home country, and things started changing. I could tell that something was wrong but she just wouldnt let me in. I was, and still am, worried about her. We have always been 100% open with one another in all situations, and she knows im always there to support her in anything. So then now, i cant understand why she broke up with me just like that? She told me that her feelings for me had changed, and she just loved me like a friend, but not as a girlfriend anymore. It seems very sudden, and ive tried to contact her about it, but she just says that nothing can change the situation. I don't understand what I did wrong? More to the point, it makes very little sense. The day previous to the break up, she sent me text messages saying how much she missed and loved me, and we spoke fine that night on MSN. I highly doubt that her feelings just changed overnight, so is there something she's not telling me? Im really not coping well without her. 3 years is a long time to be together, and then just randomly break up for no real reason. I just want her back. I want to understand whats going on in her head, and help her through it... Also a big question here: she says she loves me like a friend. she wants to be my friend still, so does the rule of "No Contact" even still apply? If i dont contact her then am i denying her friendship? Q. My ex wants to be friends, is this a good idea? A. No, not if you are still in love with them. For the most part Ex's will keep you as a friend so they have a 'back up plan' in case things fail with the new love of their life. Ask yourself if you're happy being #2 in someone's life. If so, more power to you. But if you respect yourself and have healthy self-esteem you'll never settle for being left hanging on a string. All it will do is keep you clinging to the false hope of getting back with your ex, keep you down in the dumps much longer than you should be and ruin any chance you have of meeting someone new. So hey, if you want to be miserable, go ahead and be good buddies with your ex.sticking with this that means that i should deny her friendship. However, I know for a fact that she doesnt have anyone new, and we were friends originally before we got together. confused?? Edited May 13, 2011 by NewMoon2203 added question about NC
Author NewMoon2203 Posted May 13, 2011 Author Posted May 13, 2011 So i spoke to her today. i know i shouldnt have. but actually, its really helped me. Is it possible to have this thread moved to "Breaks and Breaking Up" please? because now we've spoken about it, we both know that there is no second chance. if there is then it will come on its own terms, but no time soon. So she finally admitted today that she's been having doubts about her feelings for about 4 months now. And yes, it hurts knowing that everything in the past 4 months has been one big lie, but its something. IT's a lot better than just being confused. She said that she's changed, and she doesnt feel the same about me, not because ive done anything wrong, but because she just fell out of love. gradually, but surely. She tried to deny it to herself, which is why she kept it secret for 4 months. But eventually, she realised that denying it wasnt making it any better. She knew that a relationhip where the feelings were one-sided (me) wasnt right. and she broke up with me. I'm surprisingly okay with that. And contradictory to any on the NC rules here, we are friends, and we are on talking terms. and im happier knowing that i have her as a friend. I havent lost her completely, but now we both know that nothing can come of the friendship. maybe we should have stayed being friends in the first place?
plasma Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 brace for impact because : 1. she never loved you 2. she just needs some space i hope its #2 in your case
rayne05us Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 You gotta get your priorities straight...she just told you she doesn't love you like she used to and you're worried about being her friend?? You gotta worry about yourself...you gotta take care of yourself hun. This isn't about contact her or being her friend. She broke your heart and you need to take your time and move on from this. I hope you don't take this as sounding harsh, it just is the truth. You can move on from this...and you will find someone who loves you and appreciates you.
plasma Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 You gotta get your priorities straight...she just told you she doesn't love you like she used to and you're worried about being her friend?? You gotta worry about yourself...you gotta take care of yourself hun. This isn't about contact her or being her friend. She broke your heart and you need to take your time and move on from this. I hope you don't take this as sounding harsh, it just is the truth. You can move on from this...and you will find someone who loves you and appreciates you. like many of us this advice will fall on deaf ears and he do what he feels to " feel better" dont blame him beacsue after all we thrive off our feelings.
Author NewMoon2203 Posted May 24, 2011 Author Posted May 24, 2011 brace for impact because : 1. she never loved you 2. she just needs some space i hope its #2 in your case im hoping its 2 as well. and i know she loved me. we were engaged afterall. she just doesnt love me the same now. and the advice doesnt fall on deaf ears, but ive just never cared about myself. i always put others first.
Author NewMoon2203 Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 Did i forget to mention that this is my FIRST ever breakup...?
lillyk Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 Hey Newmoon, How are you feeling today? I just read your thread and, even though I dont usually reply, I had to say something. I am going through my first break up, as well, with a girl. And all I can say is keep your head up, stay busy, and try to put yourself first. I know you dont want to hurt her by declining a friendship, but this is the time when you really, really, need to focus on you and on what's best for you in the long run. PS. I tried to PM you but I couldn't figure how lol. If you want/need to talk to someone, feel free to PM me (if you figure out how) Take Care!
Author NewMoon2203 Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 Hi there lilly, I'm... feeling alright today, but overall i guess it would be a lie to say that im "okay". How're you? You should read a few of my other threads if you want to get a better idea of how im coping.... but everyone deals with things differently i suppose. Thats great advice to focus on myself, but ive always had trouble putting myself first. I'm trying though, which is a start. Keeping busy too... that's a reason why im posting here all the time lol. I'm sorry to hear that youre also going through your first breakup with a girl... it really hurts when the person you love just... rejects you. I hope you're doing better than I am though with the situation. Many Thanks! PS: you can call me Hana
lillyk Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 I am hanging in there It's been a lot of ups and downs since we broke up 3 months ago. This is going to be my 7 Week of NC since the last time I heard from her and I got to say it's helped a bit. I was okay for a while, but then last week I dreamt of her and it's been kind of hard to take her off my mind ever since then... but I am just trying to ride it through. I know what you mean. I have a tendency to put others first, but this break up opened my eyes and made me realize that it's not healthy to do that all the time. Sometimes, we just have to be a little selfish and think of what's best for us... not for them, but for us. I have been keeping busy by trying to do things I have always wanted to do; Yoga, Meditation, attempting to play the guitar (It's been a failure so far, though lol), Roller blading, Rock climbing, etc. What kind of hobbies have you been trying to do lately? It's only natural that this break up has been very hard for you to cope with. After all, you two were together for a long time. But with time and patience, you will come to accept it. It's just a matter of adjusting to live life without them in it. Hope you are feeling a tad better today PS. I think I figured out why I can't send you PM, I haven't been here long enough.
Author NewMoon2203 Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 hey again Lilly, 3 months is a while... we've only been broken up for a month. we havent even really gone NC yet, though i have told her that i need it. So.... well we'll see. I havent really had a chance to try any new hobbie bcause ive been really busy with college work and such. Ive been writing poems, though thats not really new. Other than that... nothings really changed. I'm not so good today. I'm actually pretty worried. I sent my ex a really long email explaining how i felt and that i needed to go NC from now on and such... she hasnt read it yet, but she sent me a text this morning like "ill read all your emails tonight x Sho" (dont know WHY she still puts kisses after her messages? ) so.... Now im just nervous about how he's going to react to the email :/ (you can read it if you want, its in the "breaks and breakups" thread. Hana PS:: I dont think you can send PMs on this website.... at least, i havent figured out how to do it yet either?
lillyk Posted June 2, 2011 Posted June 2, 2011 I read your other thread with the email. Don't feel bad for sending it, it was good to let her know where you stand! Now, at least you won't have to wonder if she was aware of your intentions... the ball is now in her court. I do suggest to start and stick with NC, not forever, but at least for a while... until your feelings have settle down a bit and you are able to treat her as a friend. I do believe that in order to be friends after a relationship, some time apart is needed to analyze and just heal from the break up. 3 months is not that long, I think. I am still healing and coping with it and last time I heard, I found out she had just gotten in another relationship... that piece of information shattered my heart in little pieces, and that was the main reason why I decided to go NC and have been since then. Unlike you, I didn't really let her know about NC... I just walked away without a word. Not sure if that was a good idea or not, but there really was no point in letting her know about my intentions plus it would have been kind of disrespectful and inconsiderate to her new gf if I had stayed in contact with my ex. I am definitely feeling tons better compared to how I was feeling 2 months ago, though! and I know I still have a long way to go, but I will make it through Don't sweat it too much. What's done is done and I hope you feel better!
Author NewMoon2203 Posted June 2, 2011 Author Posted June 2, 2011 thats a bit soon of your ex to go right into another relationship.... wow. thanks as always... i hope i feel better too. i just have to take each day as it comes and see what happens.
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