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Posted

Ok, so my ex left me back in January after 7 and a half years because of what appeared to be a case of ‘Grass Is Greener Syndrome’. We work in the same small city which has a narrow ‘ye olde’ high street so seeing her happens far more than I’d like so I went totally NC (apart from the eye contact in the street) and have been ever since the split.

 

Then, the other day, I needed a signature from her to wrap up a business venture we were both in. It was the last thing we had tying us together. I emailed her and asked her to meet in order to get her signature. She replied by saying that she’d also like to come along and be present when I handed the paperwork in as well. I told her that I didn’t want that to happen as I felt that, as I still had feelings for her, it wouldn’t be inappropriate to spend any more time than needed together. She once again insisted she wanted to come. I said “you got what you wanted (referring to the end of the relationship), please, for the sake of my mental health, could I have want I want this time. You appear to be moving on quickly, happily and successfully, let me continue to look for a way for me to do the same”. Her reply shocked me as she said:

 

“Whatever you say I do still love you - I just wasn't happy in the situation we found ourselves in. Despite what you may think I did not get what I wanted and I am no further forward than when we last saw each other. I have not moved on and every day I have to accept that a part of me is missing, and that part is you.

I still do not know what I want out of my life, and keep coming back to the realisation that the time I spent with you were the happiest days of my life and that I have lost something amazing in exchange for what is at the moment a lonely and unhappy life.

I will move on in time, and I hope you can do the same. I cannot accept, however, that I will never see or talk to you again - you are too important a person in my life so far for that to be a possibility for me.”

 

Fast forward a few days and we did meet in order to get paperwork signed. Whilst together, even though I knew I shouldn’t, I replied when she made small talk. Turns out that whilst keeping myself busy to take my mind off the break up I’ve done things she likes and got into new bands that she’s got into as well. Upon knowing this she bursts into tears once again stating she misses me. In an email to her before we met that day I’d basically said that if the two parts of the jigsaw still fit, I’d be willing to give it another try. Then, whilst we were talking she said “I think the jigsaw still fits but I need to get my head straight as to what I want”. I replied by saying I’d respect her decision which ever way it went and she knew where to find me if she did want to talk. She said ok and asked for a hug ‘for old time sake’, said goodbye and we parted ways. This was 10 days ago and I haven’t spoken to her since.

 

Now, my question is, where do I take it from here? My brain is screaming at me that the best thing to do is to give her space to come to her own conclusion, whilst at the same time, I need to move on in case she never comes back………. However, her words have ignited a fire of ‘hope’ under my heart that is holding me back. It’s almost a subconscious thing of resisting things ‘just in case she comes back’. Because of this I feel I want to contact my ex and ask if there’s a chance or not so I can either extinguish the flame and move on or simply justify the fire being there. I’m just very aware that could force a rushed decision out of her.

 

Do I just attempt to control my emotions more and let it happen, if or when it happens, or do I delicately talk it through with her to ease my mind?

Posted

I think that you have to come to the realization that she may never come back. Even if she does, you have to prepare yourself like she won't. People need to be happy with themselves before they can be happy with anyone else. She needs to be willing to give you 100%, but that's what you deserve. The effort has to come from her at this point and that starts with her saying, "I made a mistake and I am willing to do whatever it takes to make it work". Again, it has to come from her, you cannot try to get it out of her. Focus on yourself, on things you want to do to become a better person. Refocus the energy you put into the relationship into accomplsihing things that you might have put on hold. Remember NC is for yourself, to begin the healing process...not to get someone back. We don't have control over other people's emotions.

Posted

I don't have the 7 years you do, but my ex broke up with me and was calling/texting saying she missed me and feels she made a mistake. But she hasn't explicitly said she wanted to get back together. Sometimes, it may just be she feels guilty or she is trying to cope with the void, or sometimes it's that she really wants to come back. And that is what she's not sure about. So you still have to give her time to figure that out on her own. There's nothing you can say and anything you do try to tell her will probably just push her away.

 

In the meantime, you have to try and focus on you...what you wanna do etc... like you've been doing. Don't wait by the phone...just take this opportunity to get to know yourself better. And also to think about if you really WANT to get back with her. Keep us updated and good luck!!

Posted

You can't put your life on hold while she goes off figuring out what she wants. It's unfair to you. Especially when you don't know if it will be the outcome you want to hear, or that she decides to not get back together. Who knows how long she might take as well? As others said, focus on yourself. Try not to focus on her anymore. There isn't really anything that can be done to change her mind. She has to come to these conclusions herself.

Posted

Sorry, but she's not coming back. There's a big difference in telling you that she's in pain and misses you vs. saying she wants to restore the relationship. When you've been dumped, there's an assumption that the dumper is crystal clear and won't have any trouble moving on. NOT TRUE in every case.

 

Your ex has affection for you, but not the type of affection that is romantic, deep and committed. It's not there, and she's just not feeling it for you, and this is partly what she is mourning. She is mourning the end of her feelings for you, she didn't plan it, she didn't calculate it, it just happened along the way.

 

Not sure how old each of you are, but I have to say, 7 plus years together is too long to be together without a clear picture of the future. No engagement? No plan? Just coasting? That's probably why she left, she wants to get her future in order, and she didn't see it happening with you. Too complacent? Too comfortable? The spark must have gone out of the relationship, at least for her, and it's unlikely it will come back. Move on and accept the relationship is truly over and all she wants is your friendship, and that's not something you can give her, and it sounds like she understands that is the case. Sorry, but it sounds like it's time to move on.

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Posted
Sorry, but she's not coming back. There's a big difference in telling you that she's in pain and misses you vs. saying she wants to restore the relationship. When you've been dumped, there's an assumption that the dumper is crystal clear and won't have any trouble moving on. NOT TRUE in every case.

 

Your ex has affection for you, but not the type of affection that is romantic, deep and committed. It's not there, and she's just not feeling it for you, and this is partly what she is mourning. She is mourning the end of her feelings for you, she didn't plan it, she didn't calculate it, it just happened along the way.

 

Not sure how old each of you are, but I have to say, 7 plus years together is too long to be together without a clear picture of the future. No engagement? No plan? Just coasting? That's probably why she left, she wants to get her future in order, and she didn't see it happening with you. Too complacent? Too comfortable? The spark must have gone out of the relationship, at least for her, and it's unlikely it will come back. Move on and accept the relationship is truly over and all she wants is your friendship, and that's not something you can give her, and it sounds like she understands that is the case. Sorry, but it sounds like it's time to move on.

 

Thank you

 

This is the same conclusion that I have come to in the days since I made the original post.

 

We're both 27 and we were coasting in the relationship. Money was incredibly tight and it was a job to keep a roof over our heads. We were living day to day...... the future seemed a long way off. And... yes, I have to admit I was probably complacent. We had to cancel many social events due to costs, but, I remained content and happy knowing that when I came home I had her love. It was at this time she met a new circle of friends who took her away from, what I see now as, a 'stale' relationship. The spark had gone. I was happy with the 'at least we have each other' way of thinking but she clearly wanted more.

 

I think it's hit me hard because in amongst the money woes and job troubles she was my shinning light and now that light is gone. But... I've taken her off the pedestal and I'm now focused on myself. Ok, so I'm still miserable as the money position is no better and my job is still under threat with very few prospects to fall back on, but at least I don't have to worry about anyone else.

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