nini Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Hi, It's my first time posting here...am not even very sure what to type coz am such a daze... I had been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years since 2007, but had known him for a year before that... Our relationship's start was less than perfect - he had just ended up with a girl he loved who broke up with him for religious reasons, and I fancied someone else. When he asked me out the first time, I was really happy but then his ex phoned me and said some pretty mean things (e.g. he was only with me coz we she didnt want him etc etc.) So I broke it off with him in the first week coz I didnt want to put myself through all that. However, a year later, we decided to give it a go. I guess by that point we were both really insecure about each other (coz he had gone back to his ex and broke up again) etc etc. After 4 months of being together I found out that he'd cheated on me once with his ex. It all blew up and there was a big confrontation with his ex and in the end I forgave him. However, over the past 4 years, our relationship has been a constant battlefield. We both love each other loads, but past insecurities keep coming back, same fights re-occur, I feel that we both talk, and no one listens. I guess a lot of it is my fault, I was never able to feel secure again after all the stuff with his ex, I kept doubting, nagging, complaining, trying to change him, comparing how he treated her to me, critising, etc. On his part, whenever I 'flipped' as he called it, he got angry...he didnt want to understand my reasons, his point was that I SHOULDNT feel like that and it was my problem. Also, I should mention that our relationsip has been long-distance throughout, we only saw each other every other weekend. Anyways, despite all that, we wanted to get married and told our families. He bought a house, I got a transfer with work and moved to live with him. I was really happy and thought finally we'll be able to move forward. However, fights started from day 1, about anything and everything mainly the house as it was not done and a lot of work required. Another major cause of fights is because there are certain things that he does that i really dont like e.g. make impressions of other people on the road, mimick girls voices etc. And everytime he does that, I get upset coz I dont want him to do it. We have been fighting constantly since past month, every single day. Both of us are quite stressed out with work which doesnt help. At the moment, I'm in a different city coz of work, and on Wednesday (i.e. 1 day ago), we decided to break up over the phone. SO yesterday was the first day in 4 years that we havent spoken to each other. I feel so hurt, and betrayed. At the same time, I wish I hadnt hurt him so bad either. I come from a conservative asian family (they dont know we have been living together for past month), and considering we were almost engaged, I dont even know what to say! I told my mum we have been fighting a lot and so havent spoken, but she seems to think it'll get better and minor blip (I've never told her about the past issues, fights etc.). My parents live in a different country and the only reason I stayed here after Uni and found work was for him. So basically, I have no friends/family in this country, he was my everything. The only other ppl I know are ppl from work. I don't know what to do!! We love each other sooo much, but can't seem to make it work like adults. There's too much going on! I dont know what to do! Should I tell my parents its over, quit my job and go home? Should I stick it out in this county coz I'm training to be an accountant at work? I've got a year and a half to go before I can qualify. Am scared! Scared that I wont find anyone else I can love so much, scared that he'll move on soon and wont love me anymore. My head's in such a spin!
Author nini Posted May 13, 2011 Author Posted May 13, 2011 Should I just call him and ask him if we can make things work? I know we agreed to break up coz we both cant take the fights, but we both love each other loads, I know he loves me. And am scared, that due to this no contact phase, he might stop loving me? God! I feel like am dying a painful death! What should I do?
getsback Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Should I just call him and ask him if we can make things work? I know we agreed to break up coz we both cant take the fights, but we both love each other loads, I know he loves me. And am scared, that due to this no contact phase, he might stop loving me? God! I feel like am dying a painful death! What should I do? Ok you will get a lot of advice on this board. But ill give you mine. It sounds like you have quite a complicated relationship. A lot of people will tell you to go no contact straight away. But that isn't the right thing to do in your situation, YET. It may come to that but the first thing you need to do is calm down and control yourself. That is a MUST. Then, when you feel relaxed, call him. Don't fight, don't argue. If he wants to rant and rave, let him. But try and talk to him rationally. Tell him that you don't want to fight, you just want to sit down and talk things through, and you want to listen to each other. If he dosnt answer, don't call him over and over again. He will call back, even if it takes a day or two. DON'T PANIC. Everyone thinks that if they don't talk to a partner for a day, they will fall out of love with them. That's not going to happen, I promise you. It takes a long time to fall out of love! Keep us update and we will give advice where we can.
Author nini Posted May 13, 2011 Author Posted May 13, 2011 I just went to the bathroom at work and called him and cried on the phone for 10 mins. He said it doesnt have to be like this, and that it'll get better for me soon and I'll be ok.
getsback Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 I just went to the bathroom at work and called him and cried on the phone for 10 mins. He said it doesnt have to be like this, and that it'll get better for me soon and I'll be ok. That's exactly why I said you need to relax and call him! Calling him and crying gives him all the power. He thinks now that he is in charge. What you do in the next week will effect the rest of your life so you have to take time to think things through. Right, now you need to not contact him. For at least 24 hours. He won't forget you, he won't fall out of love with you. What it will do is show him that you are strong. If you feel tempted to call or text him, write on this board instead. But you must not contact him for 24 hours no matter what. Get your head straight.
Author nini Posted May 13, 2011 Author Posted May 13, 2011 Thanks Getsback! I have gone and done the worst possible and feel ****! So I went back to my hotel and called him and cried and cried. He said that the only thing I always give him was unhappiness and upsetness and he was tired of all the fights. So I cried more. Then I said I need to see him, and if I can come to Cambridge (all the way from Cheltenham) which takes about 4.5 hours on train. He said no, and I kept crying and begging until he said ok, and now am on the train there. I know its wrong, I know it has to stop...but I feel like I have to hug him, see him...I wish I had my family here...and not 10000 miles away. Anyways, I know I'm not doing well...I miss him so much, it hurts, am on the train and I cant stop crying. Why did it have to be like this? I know I have to get back to Cheltenham on Sunday for work and will be going through the same next week....I'm so pathetic, I wonder if I deserve to live!
getsback Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Thanks Getsback! I have gone and done the worst possible and feel ****! So I went back to my hotel and called him and cried and cried. He said that the only thing I always give him was unhappiness and upsetness and he was tired of all the fights. So I cried more. Then I said I need to see him, and if I can come to Cambridge (all the way from Cheltenham) which takes about 4.5 hours on train. He said no, and I kept crying and begging until he said ok, and now am on the train there. I know its wrong, I know it has to stop...but I feel like I have to hug him, see him...I wish I had my family here...and not 10000 miles away. Anyways, I know I'm not doing well...I miss him so much, it hurts, am on the train and I cant stop crying. Why did it have to be like this? I know I have to get back to Cheltenham on Sunday for work and will be going through the same next week....I'm so pathetic, I wonder if I deserve to live! Lol that's ok, everyone does what they think is best, no matter what advice they get. Well, at least its good that you get to talk to him. I would really try hard to control your emotions though because the reason he is being nasty to you is because he knows he can. If you are strong and act tough, you can get back together on better terms. Good luck, let us know how it goes.
Author nini Posted May 13, 2011 Author Posted May 13, 2011 I dont know what to do anymore!! His point is that he doesnt want this upsetness and problems anymore. He says I'm always upset, and that there must be something wrong with him if he makes me so upset. Basically, what he wants is to not fight! And I have too much built up resentment from previous fights and arguments, too much insecurities from every single fight, to be able to just be happy. I try and discuss our problems, but he doesnt want that. He wants us to laugh, enjoy, be happy. And I want that too...but sometimes, I guess when he acts in a way which makes me feel that his feelings towards me have changed, I just erupt with emotions and start accusing him of not loving, not caring etc. I dont know what to do when I see him, I'll be there in about 2.5 hours and my mind is in a spin. How can I stop the fighting? I know I'm hurt, but I know he's hurt too. When we started going out, the only thing he wanted was me to smile, me to be happy, but I used to pick on stuff and cause fights.....and now he's turned into this person who instead of comforting me when I'm upset, he shouts at me saying I'm always upset, I guess a lot is my fault. Please advice me on what to do, how do I make the anger/hurt we're both feeling go away??? Thank you so much for replying.
getsback Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 I dont know what to do anymore!! His point is that he doesnt want this upsetness and problems anymore. He says I'm always upset, and that there must be something wrong with him if he makes me so upset. Basically, what he wants is to not fight! And I have too much built up resentment from previous fights and arguments, too much insecurities from every single fight, to be able to just be happy. I try and discuss our problems, but he doesnt want that. He wants us to laugh, enjoy, be happy. And I want that too...but sometimes, I guess when he acts in a way which makes me feel that his feelings towards me have changed, I just erupt with emotions and start accusing him of not loving, not caring etc. I dont know what to do when I see him, I'll be there in about 2.5 hours and my mind is in a spin. How can I stop the fighting? I know I'm hurt, but I know he's hurt too. When we started going out, the only thing he wanted was me to smile, me to be happy, but I used to pick on stuff and cause fights.....and now he's turned into this person who instead of comforting me when I'm upset, he shouts at me saying I'm always upset, I guess a lot is my fault. Please advice me on what to do, how do I make the anger/hurt we're both feeling go away??? Thank you so much for replying. That's ok! I have actually been in the same position as you. I was in a relationship with built up resentment etc. Honestly, its a tough one. My suggestion would be you get couples councelling. Seriously. Everyone thinks the moment you mention councelling that people think your crazy. But that's not the case at all. Its can really help two people talk about their problems open and honestly in a controlled environment. Suggest it to him. But remember, don't go into the conversation upset and say things you don't mean or out of emotion. Try and think clearly.
Author nini Posted May 13, 2011 Author Posted May 13, 2011 I have suggested counselling before to him after 1 of our fights, he said that we shouldnt be together if we have issues like that. He said normal relationships ppl dont have counselling....we have major communications prblems, i cry, get upset, he shouts...is there anyway to solve this?
getsback Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 I have suggested counselling before to him after 1 of our fights, he said that we shouldnt be together if we have issues like that. He said normal relationships ppl dont have counselling....we have major communications prblems, i cry, get upset, he shouts...is there anyway to solve this? This is why I'm saying you need to be strong, if you go into it crying and begging it gives him all the power. This needs to be about what you both want and he needs to listen to your feelings to. It can be solved if you are BOTH prepared to work as a team
Author nini Posted May 13, 2011 Author Posted May 13, 2011 I understand...he sent me this text earlier today when we were fighting and I kept crying (this is before I decided to take the train): "Can I have some time to just feel a little better about the mess that is my life xxxx i cant make anything better right now, and then i can make you happy later"
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