cyberfriendxx Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Hi I just wanted some opinions on this situation as I'm not sure quite how to feel about it... My H and I are in the process of working towards getting back together after a short separation due to longstanding marital problems. Things are going pretty well. He is living apart from me for some of the time during the week but we are getting things back together slowly. For some time now and it seems to me more so recently, this woman who is another student counselor in his group has been regularly texting him. He is 47 and she is 30. They have college together once a week. She is single and it seems to me most of the time has a number of complex liaisons/encounters with men going on. She is not in a serious relationship. I have never met her although because of the nature of their counselling sessions at college she has intimate knowledge of my H's life and of our present situation. Her texts to him although not outwardly inappropriate are I feel deliberately cryptic and seem to encourage him into her personal life as a confidante or 'advice guru'. She has on occasions texted him quite late at night to ask for advice on her love life and what to do. She responds to his his social network posts very often and seems to find reasons to be in contact with him an awful lot. I just don't feel comfortable with this - my H has no interest in her and I trust him completely that this is the case. He has reassured me that this behaviour is just the way she is and probably I shouldn't read anything into it. He does acknowledge though that there is a slight possibility she might be interested in him. I feel that her behaviour to my H borders on appropriate at the best of times but especially so at the moment given our marital situation. Does anyone have an opinion on this? Should I be irritated or is that an overreaction?
PegNosePete Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 my H has no interest in her and I trust him completely that this is the case. If you really believe that, then why are you here, asking these questions? If you trust him completely then you have nothing to worry about. If you trust him completely then it does not matter what anyone else says or does, you will trust your H to always handle the situation appropriately. But it's quite obvious that you DO NOT trust him completely. It's commonly said "I trust him but I don't trust HER"... well I'm afraid, that is the same thing as not trusting him. If you think there's a chance that she could seduce him, then what you're saying is that you think there's a chance that he would allow himself to be seduced. I think this situation is completely inappropriate. If i understand correctly then they are both studying to be counsellors? I don't know much about counsellor training but I find it highly doubtful that they would need to share intimate knowledge of their own personal situations. I'm sure there are strict guidelines about that kind of thing. Your H is throwing your reconciliation under a bus by chasing, or not shutting down, a relationship with another woman. He is loving the attention of her and encouraging it to continue. If he was taking your reconciliation seriously then he would be respecting your feelings rather than brushing them under the carpet.
carhill Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Should I be irritated or is that an overreaction? No need to be irritated. Simply set a firm boundary regarding communication away from school. There's no need for any, in your opinion. He can agree or not. You can't control what they talk about during their school time but his proactive transparency can be indicative of his intent. If reconciliation was his priority: 'I don't have any interest in this person but do sense she might have interest in me, so I think I should discontinue contact and focus on reconciling our M' If he's not saying that, he's incrementing. Dribbling out just enough to keep you in the game. Call foul. Free shot. Good luck
Author cyberfriendxx Posted May 13, 2011 Author Posted May 13, 2011 Hi Sorry meant to say that her 'behaviour to my H borders on INappropriate at the best of times but especially so at the moment given our marital situation' . Typo!
love4me2c Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 I agree with the other posters that this is inappropriate contact. He needs to set boundaries with this woman. I've had this situation before and not to alarm you, but my H did end up having an affair. As I am not sure whom the person was he had the affair with, I have and still do suspect that it was his texting buddy. It was very similar - she was single, she's like that with everyone, I don't want to hurt her feelings, yada yada yada. Bottom line, this relationship has transcended into an inappropriate working relationship. Especially if they share private relationship information with each other, it can easily be an open door to infidelity. People often share negative relationship information with the opposite sex as a way to express their availability to others. Tell him this type of relationship with this woman is not acceptable - and don't let him tell you otherwise. This woman's feelings should not even be a consideration versus his wife's feelings. Since they work together, of course he doesn't want to be rude, but a simple way for him to get this woman to stop is by asking him to show you every time she texts. Then ask him to not respond. When he sees her again, he should be truthful with his woman by telling her that he's not comfortable with her texting about her personal life and asking for his advice. If that is too uncomfortable, then he needs to just stop responding. After awhile, she'll give up, but I prefer the more direct method as it leaves nothing up to interpretation. If the two of you are focused on rebuilding your relationship, his compliance to your request shouldn't be an issue. If it is, then you need to question his efforts on rebuilding the relationship.
Woman In Blue Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 (edited) Your H is throwing your reconciliation under a bus by chasing, or not shutting down, a relationship with another woman. He is loving the attention of her and encouraging it to continue. If he was taking your reconciliation seriously then he would be respecting your feelings rather than brushing them under the carpet. Yup. I think you'd be extremely naive to assume your husband is 100% innocent. She's getting the encouragement to keep in touch with him from SOMEWHERE. The last person he's going to admit his participation in this little 'friendship' to is YOU. I'm not meaning to be harsh to you. I just think you shouldn't have blind trust that your husband is 100% innocent - especially since he's been living on his own while you were separated. He had a prime opportunity to 'befriend' this woman. Edited May 14, 2011 by Woman In Blue
Author cyberfriendxx Posted May 14, 2011 Author Posted May 14, 2011 If you really believe that, then why are you here, asking these questions? If you trust him completely then you have nothing to worry about. If you trust him completely then it does not matter what anyone else says or does, you will trust your H to always handle the situation appropriately. But it's quite obvious that you DO NOT trust him completely. It's commonly said "I trust him but I don't trust HER"... well I'm afraid, that is the same thing as not trusting him. If you think there's a chance that she could seduce him, then what you're saying is that you think there's a chance that he would allow himself to be seduced. I think this situation is completely inappropriate. If i understand correctly then they are both studying to be counsellors? I don't know much about counsellor training but I find it highly doubtful that they would need to share intimate knowledge of their own personal situations. I'm sure there are strict guidelines about that kind of thing. Your H is throwing your reconciliation under a bus by chasing, or not shutting down, a relationship with another woman. He is loving the attention of her and encouraging it to continue. If he was taking your reconciliation seriously then he would be respecting your feelings rather than brushing them under the carpet. Thanks for this. I do trust him completely and I don't have a doubt he would allow himself to be seduced. My irritation is with her and not him to be honest. With counselling training there is alot of sharing of personal stuff that goes on - it is part of the process. I just keep wondering whether it is right for me to be annoyed that she is not respecting my part in this situation - however I don't want to make a big fuss about it - having talked it through with my H again he understands my concerns. I think if things were to continue on this basis or her behaviour escalated then I would need to think about what to do...
Author cyberfriendxx Posted May 14, 2011 Author Posted May 14, 2011 No need to be irritated. Simply set a firm boundary regarding communication away from school. There's no need for any, in your opinion. He can agree or not. You can't control what they talk about during their school time but his proactive transparency can be indicative of his intent. If reconciliation was his priority: 'I don't have any interest in this person but do sense she might have interest in me, so I think I should discontinue contact and focus on reconciling our M' If he's not saying that, he's incrementing. Dribbling out just enough to keep you in the game. Call foul. Free shot. Good luck Thanks, yes setting a boundary is an idea. I don't think he is incrementing - I think though that he is protective of her in a way because she is 'part of his group' and they are also closely tied at the moment because of the intensity of the course. I am going to watch this space so to speak.
Author cyberfriendxx Posted May 14, 2011 Author Posted May 14, 2011 Yup. I think you'd be extremely naive to assume your husband is 100% innocent. She's getting the encouragement to keep in touch with him from SOMEWHERE. The last person he's going to admit his participation in this little 'friendship' to is YOU. I'm not meaning to be harsh to you. I just think you shouldn't have blind trust that your husband is 100% innocent - especially since he's been living on his own while you were separated. He had a prime opportunity to 'befriend' this woman. Thanks for this and it's not harsh. I don't think I am naive. I know about the idea of getting encouragement and going along with flattering attentions because I've been through it myself recently hence some of the marital problems. I do trust him completely because we have been through alot to get to this point. I know he has not 'befriended' her other than she seems to have latched on to their similar upbringings and the complications that arose from them. I think she's a bit confused and lonely to be honest and craving male input. I will see if she oversteps the mark before I do anything proactive.
carhill Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 If they were partner cops on the beat, I could see 'protection' of one's partner because of the intensity of the job, but school? Been there, done that, did the study group stuff, sucked at calculus and got some tutoring. Sure, those folks are good friends and classmates but *no one* is irreplaceable. I'm sure he can get real close to another male student as a 'buddy in study', right? Why does it have to be female? I've been a MM so I know how the incrementing works. It's also known as the selective and situational movement of boundaries. I've seen it from the other side with MW's. This is a problem in your marriage. He's the source. His words, his choices, his actions. What will the next 'group' to protect be? Who will the next 'intensity' dynamic in life be with or surround? Why can't his spouse be that group and the person he shares intensity with? IMO, the time and energy spent patrolling ('watching this space') will ultimately serve to erode love, respect and commitment. No one 'wins' in these scenarios. The 'woman' could be anyone; she represents a schism, a rip, in the fabric of your relationship. I hope you find a way to mend this and move on.
Frank13 Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Hi my H has no interest in her and I trust him completely that this is the case. He has reassured me that this behaviour is just the way she is and probably I shouldn't read anything into it. He does acknowledge though that there is a slight possibility she might be interested in him. Oh please! A 30 year old texting a 47 year old and he has no interest? A slight possibility she might be interested in him? If he had no interest he would tell her to stop texting so much or at all. If there isn't something going on between them, she is trying and it will be hard for a 47 year old to say no to a 30 year old.
Author cyberfriendxx Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 Oh please! If there isn't something going on between them, she is trying and it will be hard for a 47 year old to say no to a 30 year old. Does it always follow that this is case??
thatone Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Does it always follow that this is case?? how many men do you know that if you blatantly offered sex to them, they would refuse?
stace79 Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Your H is throwing your reconciliation under a bus by chasing, or not shutting down, a relationship with another woman. He is loving the attention of her and encouraging it to continue. If he was taking your reconciliation seriously then he would be respecting your feelings rather than brushing them under the carpet. This. Total agreement. I think your H enjoys the attention at best, or likes this other woman at worst. If he really wants to work out your marriage, he should cut off all temptation. If I were you, I wouldn't bother trying to work things out with him unless he told this woman not to contact him other than professionally.
jsb58 Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 (edited) He does acknowledge though that there is a slight possibility she might be interested in him. Ya think?? He needs to answer school-only correspondence, and only during daylight hours. Edited May 16, 2011 by jsb58 spelling
Author cyberfriendxx Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 how many men do you know that if you blatantly offered sex to them, they would refuse? Do you think that by texting him she is blatantly offering him sex? Regardless of what she actually texts about? I'm not too sure about that to be honest.
Author cyberfriendxx Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 This. Total agreement. I think your H enjoys the attention at best, or likes this other woman at worst. If he really wants to work out your marriage, he should cut off all temptation. If I were you, I wouldn't bother trying to work things out with him unless he told this woman not to contact him other than professionally. Thanks for this. I think I will be less drastic than this to be honest. I do think she should not be contacting him very much outside the college forum however his student counselling group do use each other as friendly ears for the personal problems. I just can't help feeling she may have an extra agenda. I'm not going to give him ultimatums as I know he is working on our reconciliation and I don't think this would serve any purpose.
Author cyberfriendxx Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 Ya think?? He needs to answer school-only correspondence, and only during daylight hours. Thanks. I think probably you are right.
stace79 Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Thanks for this. I think I will be less drastic than this to be honest. I do think she should not be contacting him very much outside the college forum however his student counselling group do use each other as friendly ears for the personal problems. I just can't help feeling she may have an extra agenda. I'm not going to give him ultimatums as I know he is working on our reconciliation and I don't think this would serve any purpose. As easy as it is to blame this other woman, it is your H's responsibility to tell her to stop. My bf's ex-girlfriend broke up our relationship and for the longest time I hated her and called her a homewrecker, manipulative, etc. But he said it best - he could have put a stop to her communication any time he wanted. He just didn't want to then.
thatone Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Do you think that by texting him she is blatantly offering him sex? Regardless of what she actually texts about? I'm not too sure about that to be honest. if she's interested in him eventually she will. sending late night texts is a pretty good first step toward that. that's my point, let it go on and she'll get there. men aren't wired to say no.
Author cyberfriendxx Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 As easy as it is to blame this other woman, it is your H's responsibility to tell her to stop. My bf's ex-girlfriend broke up our relationship and for the longest time I hated her and called her a homewrecker, manipulative, etc. But he said it best - he could have put a stop to her communication any time he wanted. He just didn't want to then. Thanks. Fair point and I've been on the other side of the triangle too so do understand the difficulties.
Author cyberfriendxx Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 if she's interested in him eventually she will. sending late night texts is a pretty good first step toward that. that's my point, let it go on and she'll get there. men aren't wired to say no. Thanks for this. I think it sounds a pretty cynical point of view but I'm sure there are plenty of men who fit this description - I do know thought that my H isn't one of them.. I really am not irritated with him essentially - just with her - don't know why - maybe just irrational.
thatone Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 you don't know what he told her. you were separated. she may think you're still separated.
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