Star Gazer Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 I felt her point had some merit. It's one of the reasons I'm choosing not to directly answer your question. Another is that this thread has been my private corner, and I'd like to keep the discussion focused on the most important person (guess who that is ). I'm sure you and SG (and I) could have a wonderful time politely discussing your decision and body image in a new thread of your own. Saw this after my last post. You're right, WLIC. My apologies for getting involved in her questions and nearly derailing your thread. Of course, the focus should be on your wonderful lady friend... xoxo
Star Gazer Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 This sharing on LS is weird ... I think it's good, to an extent, and I enjoy it. And I partake. But even though it's anonymous, I truly believe that certain things between two people need to be preserved in privacy to help keep the magic, or the sanctity, or something. When I see people sharing many texts/ emails here or telling verbatim what someone did or said, basically just to display it for whatever reason (it's not absolutely pertinent to getting guidance), I experience that as a big broach of boundaries and as chipping away at the bond of the relationship. I agree with this. And he's done a good job - I think - of not chipping away at the sanctity of what they share. I'm glad we don't get a novel narrative of their conversations - every text, every conversation. We see the forest, but not every pinecone on every tree, and I like that. ...which brings me to my next point. I think the bigger issue is that this is "moving faster" than I'm used to, so any minor doubts that I might have feel heavier or scarier than normal. I do think you might be magnifying her "flaws," only because I have a tendency to focus on outward flaws rather than relationship-issues too. Why? Because I'd have to acknowledge that I'm partly responsible for the underlying issue in the first place - as are you. If you're not careful though, your focus on those little "her" issues might force you to focus on the wrong thing - those little flaws she has that you're not "used to" - rather than the more important issue, in this case, your concern that things might be moving too fast...which is partly "your" "fault." (For lack of a better description.)
Hot Chick Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 I think there is a problem because she is the one who initiated you two getting together. You initially met her at the concert but you weren't so enthralled by her that you asked her for her contact information, or even her name...nope...she had to do that. It's almost like you're together by default...she almost tricked you into being attracted to her and the whole "oh I'm leaving forever" thing added a lot of drama and romance to the picture. Now you are playing catch up because you weren't really that attracted to her from the beginning and true feelings were bypassed by dramatic visits of thinking it would be the last time you would see her.
GildedLily Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 So am I? Neither of us are beholden to this forum. Yesterday I left my house in the morning (as of the post you quoted), and didn't return until after midnight, having celebrated our national holiday. I simply haven't had a chance to reply. Although I do appreciate your eagerness to help, and I too know the feeling of being frustrated by a lack of response after writing a reply. All that said, I don't think I'd feel comfortable answering your question. Thus far I have been careful not to go into this aspect in detail. I do think it's more about "what I'm used to" than anything. I'm just not used to her look. For what it's worth, I think she's more in shape than me. She can probably outrun me, for example, and she knows a lot more about food and preparation than I do. In fact, we're going to to the gym together today... ...which brings me to my next point. I think the bigger issue is that this is "moving faster" than I'm used to, so any minor doubts that I might have feel heavier or scarier than normal. She's staying at her friend's place tonight, and maybe I should encourage that. Nothing drastic, just a little breathing room for the both of us, since this is a pretty sudden transition. The bottom line is that, building on how Mme. Chaucer (elegantly) described it all, I feel my head being ****ed with, and I'd like to be able to let that go. Feeling like "it's okay to be attracted to other women" helps take the pressure off, so I appreciate that feedback. To answer one question that I missed: I have been in relationships where I didn't even notice other women, because I was so focused on "her". But I realize that's also fatuous and a silly thing to expect or require. I'm not sure that it's even possible for me now. All I really want is to do the right thing. I felt her point had some merit. It's one of the reasons I'm choosing not to directly answer your question. Another is that this thread has been my private corner, and I'd like to keep the discussion focused on the most important person (guess who that is ). I'm sure you and SG (and I) could have a wonderful time politely discussing your decision and body image in a new thread of your own. Not sure who that last quote was from? Perhaps not directed at me. Regarding your response to me; I respect your reasoning for not answering the question. I don't get why you couldn't say something like "my girlfriend is like Cameron Diaz and my usual tastes attract me to Selma Hayek" Simple, nice illustration without insulting anyone, being too specific and at the same time painting a picture for us all of the body types being compared. Contrary to Mme Chaucer (sp) I think your salient issue IS her not being the type you are really attracted to! Keep in mind I am a female saying this. Men are very visual and as they say "the penis does the picking" It's only women that can successfully override their own ingrained "type" preference through things like stimulating conversation, common values and shared respect for one another. I guess this why women are at times considered more evolved (lol) Imagine for a moment that she was privy to your not being completely turned on by her body; don't you think she would want to commit her time to a man that salivated after her? Don't tell me that she has no clue you feel this way...a woman can sense it. I've been there personally. I am tall, thin and enhanced up top and dated a guy who was really into natural breasted latina types. There was a definite feeling of him not being as passionate as other men have been towards me.
Kamille Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 While I agree that having a type and dating someone who's not one's type is a challenge, I, like others, don't see the point of Welike going into details here in this thread about his type and how this woman does or does not measure up. I feel, like others, that it's just the good old "women trying to see if they measure up" spiel. He knows what his type is. What good would it do us to know it too? What difference would it make? Would some people be able to convince him this girl is his type? Or others argue with him that he's wrong and that his type is not his type? I just don't get what good would come of him sharing those details with us. Welike, take it easy and have fun. You two have barely actually hung out for more than a week. There's no need to envision a big commitment just yet. If it works out, it works out. If it doesn't, well, it doesn't. Nothing either of you can't handle. Call it a fling and enjoy the summer!
Mme. Chaucer Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 While I agree that having a type and dating someone who's not one's type is a challenge, I, like others, don't see the point of Welike going into details here in this thread about his type and how this woman does or does not measure up. I feel, like others, that it's just the good old "women trying to see if they measure up" spiel. He knows what his type is. What good would it do us to know it too? What difference would it make? Would some people be able to convince him this girl is his type? Or others argue with him that he's wrong and that his type is not his type? I just don't get what good would come of him sharing those details with us. Welike, take it easy and have fun. You two have barely actually hung out for more than a week. There's no need to envision a big commitment just yet. If it works out, it works out. If it doesn't, well, it doesn't. Nothing either of you can't handle. Call it a fling and enjoy the summer! Kamille, you are one smart and kind lady.
GildedLily Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 While I agree that having a type and dating someone who's not one's type is a challenge, I, like others, don't see the point of Welike going into details here in this thread about his type and how this woman does or does not measure up. I feel, like others, that it's just the good old "women trying to see if they measure up" spiel. He knows what his type is. What good would it do us to know it too? What difference would it make? Would some people be able to convince him this girl is his type? Or others argue with him that he's wrong and that his type is not his type? I just don't get what good would come of him sharing those details with us. Who's trying to see if they measure up? No one asked for specifics or Welike degradingly describing his gf. Reason I asked was to see if the difference in bodies is negotiable or not, as in maybe through examples he would indicate if there in deed was a major difference in types or if he was just nit picky. Um yeah why would I care if I "measure up?" lmao.
GildedLily Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 I think there is a problem because she is the one who initiated you two getting together. You initially met her at the concert but you weren't so enthralled by her that you asked her for her contact information, or even her name...nope...she had to do that. It's almost like you're together by default...she almost tricked you into being attracted to her and the whole "oh I'm leaving forever" thing added a lot of drama and romance to the picture. Now you are playing catch up because you weren't really that attracted to her from the beginning and true feelings were bypassed by dramatic visits of thinking it would be the last time you would see her. Hot Chick you are a smart lady:)
Imajerk17 Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 I actually don't see why WLIC needs to discuss why she isn't his physical type. The why or how just isn't germane to the discussion. She just isn't, and that is what really matters. Or more than likely, she is maybe physically a "7" or an "8" to him, and there are WLIC's physical "10"'s running around NYC. C'est la vie.
Hot Chick Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 I'm kind of curious myself....sorry, just human nature and it might give some insight as to why some guys are 'into us' and some guys 'don't quite feel it 100%.'
johan Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Kamille, you are one smart and kind lady. I agree. Kamille is a hell of a lady. And you, too, Mme. Chaucer. A very high quality lady. Hot Chick you are a smart lady:) There's no doubt about that, GildedLily.. Hot Chick is quite a lady. And it takes a great lady to know a great lady. And that's what you are, Lily... a really great lady. This thread is just about totally infested with really classy, impressive ladies.
Mme. Chaucer Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 I agree. Kamille is a hell of a lady. And you, too, Mme. Chaucer. A very high quality lady. There's no doubt about that, GildedLily.. Hot Chick is quite a lady. And it takes a great lady to know a great lady. And that's what you are, Lily... a really great lady. This thread is just about totally infested with really classy, impressive ladies. I KNOW. No wonder it's difficult for guys like WLIC to be fully into their real life girlfriends when there are such spectacular virtual specimens here on LoveShack night and day.
Author welikeincrowds Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 I agree. Kamille is a hell of a lady. And you, too, Mme. Chaucer. A very high quality lady. There's no doubt about that, GildedLily.. Hot Chick is quite a lady. And it takes a great lady to know a great lady. And that's what you are, Lily... a really great lady. This thread is just about totally infested with really classy, impressive ladies. I agree. I'm so lucky here at the LoveShack I have a small update here, which should provide some feedback to your questions. She won't be staying with me tonight, or tomorrow night. She may spend some time during the weekend, but her ultimate plan is to bounce from NY for a bit and instead stay with her parents, while she does a little job hunting/decompressing/etc. I think she always wanted to step away a bit to give me a little space, but I think I may have especially inspired her to do so now, because I happened to bring up some of these topics with her last night over dinner, in an unplanned way. Not specifically any of the "body" or "attraction" stuff, but just how the flurry of romance we've experienced thus far might have some consequences that we should be aware of, and avoid. Just like you said, Hot Chick, about sidestepping a growth and vetting process that comes with the transition from dating into relationship. The discussion freaked her out a bit. She told me that these were fears that she had been considering already, but from a self-flagellating stance ("I could **** things up with [welikeincrowds]"), rather than a mutual stance ("This could blow both our fuses"). She was especially worried when I told her that I didn't want us to be too quickly melded as a "unit" -- it seems that was a consequence she really consciously wanted to avoid while staying with me, so I think it scared her to hear from me, independently, that I held this concern. To try and get into her head a little bit: she seems to be one who likes to have things planned out -- and for once her life is unstable. So it may not feel to her like she's representing herself and carrying out decisions in her preferred way, due to the odd circumstances. But because there's nothing she can immediately do about it, and trying to can only lead to a comedy of errors, she's stuck riding a tide, which is not how she wants to live. And if things don't go well, for whatever reason that may be, she'll only feel even more frustrated, and probably, self-critical, because it would have been something she wanted that got away from her, for reasons outside of her control, in a manner that normally, she wouldn't allow. One thing, though, which might be important, and is at least interesting: at the table, she discussed her life issues and addressed/agreed with my points -- but she didn't really clarify how me bringing these thoughts up at that moment scared her until we got home.She also ended up telling me that her instinctual reaction to that discussion was to get up from the table and leave. She's a runner, she says; she's gotten away from relationship problems that way before. I have to admit, that was a sobering admission. I don't think it's necessarily a problem right now -- she communicated, after all -- but it certainly wasn't comforting. My reaction to how to potentially deal with that issue is to be ready to give her space in those moments -- like how a cat's instinct might be to run, but if you don't actually chase, they only patter a few small steps away, and then turn right back around. (I have no idea if any of this is right.) That said, she was embarrassed by all this, and apologized for that emotion, and for how she reacted. I think she is quite anxious about what's going on in her life right now. I think she is especially worried that her life stuff is going to infiltrate what's going on with us in a negative way. I feel that she is just trying to do the right thing. To address your concerns Hot Chick -- no, I don't think she's been deceptive, especially not about leaving the state. However, the distinction between "her pursuing me" and "me pursuing her" is an interesting one. I might be able to provide more information on that: One detail about the way we met, which I didn't reveal here before, is that when she gave me her number, I returned the gesture by kissing her on the spot. Gotta alpha that bitch, u kno? The point is that I've always turned the game back around on her, because I believe in that, maybe even to prevent complications like the one you're describing. I'm not about to be the only one being woo'd -- I'm gonna woo. But I definitely was woo'd on our first date, despite her "noticing me first" -- I mean, it worked, right? She is probably more into it than I am, but probably not by much (saying this implies that I'm not into this, which I definitely am). And regardless, I don't know if a difference in "into-it-ness" in itself is an issue, although it could be a symptom of a different problem. Anyway, what I think needs to happen now to see this one forward is this space we've arranged. I think this can't hurt, I think it's a good idea. We have enough momentum that if it was meant to work, we should be able to carry it through, without her having my apartment as her home base. And if it doesn't end up working, that's the way it goes -- but as a conclusion, it will be easier to both conceptualize and handle if we're coming at it a little more independently, with our own lives and houses and jobs, rather than conflating the issue with this (dramatic) lifestyle cross-up. With more independence, I can better enact the advice given to me here to take this easy and at an even, non-confrontational pace -- where she is one new woman in my life. The end. Thoughts?
Mme. Chaucer Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Yeah. You really write long posts. Are you gay? I kid! My real thoughts will be forthcoming, later.
Author welikeincrowds Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 i have a really small update here 13 paragraphs derp
Feelsgoodman Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Sooooo... it's obvious what she's after. But what do you think I should do with her (er, you know what I mean)? Dinner and drinks for sure -- I have some great restaurants in mind that I could take her to -- but maybe something during the day as well? I would enjoy getting to know her for a minute. And how do I elegantly compress the "what do you like and how do you like it?" conversation in before she comes over? I should probably just be up front about it over drinks, yeah? Right before we head back to my place? It's not like I realistically run the risk of being too forward, right (I'd have to be really out of touch....)? I've had ONS, but never quite like this..... Maybe I should just make no plans at all and go with it, but I'd prefer if she had a pleasant last Sunday in the city, and I wouldn't mind a breeze of romance right about now. I don't mean to sound too harsh, but you have no idea what you're doing. You just me this woman at a concert, you will only see her one other time in her life, and you are planning this date as if you are entertaining your best friend who has just came back from 10 year mission to Mars. Seriously, talk about making things unnecessarily complicated. Keep in mind too that the more elaborate the plan, the lower the possibility that what both of you are after (namely, sex) will happen. Too many chances to screw up and kill attraction with awkward over dinner conversation. This girl already indicated an interest in a ONS. You don't need to impress her. Just meet her for drinks (forget dinner), go for a short walk afterwards (an opportunity for some physical escalation), a kiss, and then your place. Forget the "breeze of romance" nonsense. Real life ain't like Hollywood.
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 I am curious welike. Do you talk like you write? Do you go into those long, flowery, drawn out monologues?
Author welikeincrowds Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 I am curious welike. Do you talk like you write? Do you go into those long, flowery, drawn out monologues? Actually ES, I'm a mute. The only way I can communicate in person is by writing the stuff I want to say down on little strips of paper and then handing it to people. There's not a lot of room on the paper strips so no, I can't really go into detail. If I have a lot to say I have to use a lot of paper strips, which I feel is harmful to the environment, and it's also hard to keep track of the right order to read everything in. I make it sound like a bad system, but it's actually not that bad. You'd be surprised at how much people enjoy taking little slips of paper from you, even strangers. It just sucks when you want to talk to someone during the nighttime. So anyway I really try to take advantage of how much easier it is to say stuff on here, by writing a whole lot. It's just very freeing compared to what I have to put up with in real life.
Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Actually ES, I'm a mute. The only way I can communicate in person is by writing the stuff I want to say down on little strips of paper and then handing it to people. There's not a lot of room on the paper strips so no, I can't really go into detail. If I have a lot to say I have to use a lot of paper strips, which I feel is harmful to the environment, and it's also hard to keep track of the right order to read everything in. I make it sound like a bad system, but it's actually not that bad. You'd be surprised at how much people enjoy taking little slips of paper from you, even strangers. It just sucks when you want to talk to someone during the nighttime. So anyway I really try to take advantage of how much easier it is to say stuff on here, by writing a whole lot. It's just very freeing compared to what I have to put up with in real life. That's like engaging with a real-life fortune cookie. I think I might actually really enjoy that.
Author welikeincrowds Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 That's like engaging with a real-life fortune cookie. I think I might actually really enjoy that. "Hello Star Gazer, it is very nice to meet you. Lucky numbers 4, 9, 23, 26, 37."
Hot Chick Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Hey WeLike, how is this going? Well, I hope! Give us an update when you have time. (If you want to, of course.)
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