alicorf Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I am 25 years old I have been with my bf now , ( whom is 32) for almost a year in which in this time we have had a very platonic relationship due to an ongoing issue between us with trust.. Early on in the relationship my partner worked in FIFO mines so it was not a normal or easy relationship to start off with and he had already planned and payed for a trip around the world with a friend of his so we were both jumping in head first quite early considering the circumstances. However we decided to commit to each other and a month before he was to leave I moved to his place in his family’s home met all his family and friends before he left. It was great, we really loved each other until his ex gf came into the picture. He had recently rekindled a very close relationship with her, as they used to date when they were 16 and she cheated on him and only in last few months before meeting me had they gotten back in contact. He suffers from anxiety and depression, as does she, so they had a lot in common and could relate to each other.[/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]However, there relationship was very intense. The way in which they communicate was texts message and emails saying I love, cant tait to see you, xx 00. Which is fine, as some people have those types of relationship but my suspicion and gut instinct started flaring, as I felt there was more to this? It got weirder for me as I was told more by my bf describing how good of friends they are as they share beds when he came off the mines sites and stay in his hotel and cuddle. [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I mentioned this made me uncomfortable especially after I read his phone seeing the way the spoke to each other so he arranged to have us all meet the night before he left for his round the world trip. The moment came to that night and she pulled out causing a fuss saying she didn’t want to come out, as she didn’t want to make me feel uncomfortable, which confused me and made me upset, as why would a good friend of his make me uncomfortable, then later that evening, he then said he was going to go see her on his own as she must of had a fight with her bf , I got more upset as he was leaving me on our last night together to go see this person. He then called her and she said she doesn’t want to come see him as she doesn’t like him having a gf as hell give her less time. I hit the roof and broke it off with him as it wasn’t fair, there is obviously more to this relationship then just friendship if she is threatened by him having a partner and is having a jealous fit over it. He then got angry at me and we had a big fight, he left me outside the hotel with my bags with no money to go out and drink with his guy mates.[/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I flew back home to nz then talked to him the next day, there was no apology from him to me, just from me to him, he was saying to forget everything and it was nothing, I was so upset and heartbroken but wanted to keep it together with him. It continued to be confusing and hurtful for me as the his ex then started writing on his face book wall things like how much she’s misses him already and skinny dipping won’t be the same without him, which to me was insulting as she would know id be angry from her not wanting to meet me. Any girlfriend would. I felt she was taking the piss.[/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]After talking with my bf I said we would be fine if he cools it with this girl, as it’s not fair on me, as its showing me she still has feelings for you by her actions that night in Sydney, so you need to do something about it and he said he would. A few weeks later he flew me over to London to finish the trip with him and I read some of his emails and he was still contacting her just the same as before. He had ignored what I had asked him to-do. When I asked him if they had been in contact he said only to invite her to his cousin bday party, which was a lie, so he was now lying to me about her which really hurt me as it wasn’t necessary. If what he was doing was harmless and o.k. why is there any need to lie? I told him I had seen the emails and all hell broke loose. We then tried couples counselling with a counsellor which was actually his ex gfs counsellor as well. This woman told my bf it was time to end the relationship with her and all contact.[/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]He stopped talking to her for while to show me I was more important, AS I mentioned we had a counselling session but it didn’t go well as it was only an hour and not much can really abate from that. After returning from Europe he got back in touch with her as she was going to be coming to his cousin bday. I was still hurt and angry that this person was still involved in his life and our relationship. The problems just never seemed to stop with her in the equation. He broke it off with me, as he said he just didn’t want to do this anymore and I left his place to stay with a friend. He contacted me the next day wanting to try again, I had explained in an email my concerns and hurt, that I feel he is still in love with his ex by his actions and it’s not fair on anyone to be in a relationship where their partner gives so much time and attention to someone else, especially an ex gf, as it makes you feel second best and that’s not love. He then emailed her and forwarded it to me telling her how the way they communicate has to stop and that when she chose not to come meet me that night it caused massive dramas, as someone who doesn’t want to meet his gf would be assumed to have romantic feelings for him, as she doesn’t like seeing him with someone else. She replied saying she didn’t come because she didn’t want to spend her last night with him with someone she didn’t know but to me this is not good enough and far to expecting of just a “friend “, Her actions seem like behaviour you would expect from a gf and sadly those actions were accepted and not even questioned at the time by my bf which made me feel he still had feelings for her. If this girl has pouty fits with my bf because he spends his time with ME, before he leaves for overseas and he lets her, that leads her to believe she is also like a girlfriend and can do that. If she had just wanted to be friends with him she would have befriended and respected me as his new gf.[/FONT][/sIZE] This has caused me massive amounts of grief as his actions would leave you to think that my bf still have strong feelings for this girl. He seems to treat her like a gf a let her act and say things that are like that of a gf. It seems he cares for her too much- more than just a friend and vice versa. It is complicated as she tried to kill herself when she was younger and was abused by her father, she is pretty messed up and my bf tried to take care of her I think but I am struggling to let go of everything that’s happened and simply am struggling to move on, as a part of me feels that there is more to it and it hurts as I love him with all my heart but I don’t want give my love to someone who might very well be in love with his ex still. He says he’s not but actions continue to show that there is something more to it. He is now back in contact with her as well, which makes me wonder what his intentions are with me as its quite clear that with her in the picture, me and him could never really move forward. By him actively getting back in touch with her- is that his choice already made up of what he wants? What do I do from here?
Lucky_One Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 If you were my daughter, my sister or one of my friends, I would tell you to dump him. He treats you HORRIBLY. He snuggles in a hotel bed with this girl, he skinnydips with this girl, and you have known this for ages and allowed him to behave like this. You break up (or he breaks up with you), and then you get back together with him and he continues the poor behavior with zero consequences and zero enforced boundaries. You have shown him you gladly accept him treating you like crap, so he will continue to do it. You may think your heart is breaking if you break up with him now, but stick with him and you will likely feel pain far worse than this later.
BB07 Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 OP, in the future remove the formatting of your post as most people aren't going to take the time to read such a jumbled up mess. Either directly type here at LS or remove the formatting before you paste.
LilyBart Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Your Q: Is he in love with his ex? My A: Yes. My Q: Did you really need my opinion in order to confirm your own? Your A: _________ ?
fooled once Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 My thoughts? Your BF is definitely still hung up on his ex. He has allowed the ex to continue to be in his life. He can't control HER actions, but he can control how he acts in regards to her; such as not engaging in flirty emails, not responding to emails, etc. He loves the attention from YOU and her. He is an immature *ss for his behavior. My advice; back away from him. He isn't in love with you. If he was, he wouldn't be playing this game. He doesn't know what he wants, but he knows he likes have 2 women fighting over him If he does love you, his actions would match his feelings. They don't. For your own sanity and peace of mind, especially since the trust is totally gone and it seems like he has little respect for you (and you for him as you feel the need to snoop), end the relationship and find someone else who is honest and trust worthy and deserving of being in your life, your bed and your heart.
2sunny Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Your Q: Is he in love with his ex? My A: Yes. My Q: Did you really need my opinion in order to confirm your own? Your A: _________ ? i agree - he is still in love with her. let him go love her... YOU move forward without him and his delusional ideas that he deserves two women at the same time.
Recommended Posts