relationship_learner Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Hi guys, I have been in a LDR for a year now, and here is a good news, my girlfriend is moving over to my place after a challenging year. She just finished her last year in college and graduated last weekend. Right after I moved back, we got into a big fight. My girlfriend expected me to flight back to her place in another state 2 weeks after her graduation to help her move. Alright, I totally wanted to do that. There was nothing else I would want to do but helping my girlfriend with whatever I could. However, I would have to skip my work about almost a week and a half out of the month combined to go to her graduation and help her move. First of all, I explained to her that our budget is tight right now since we have been flying soo many times in the last year. Financially, we are kind of exhausted. Secondly, the shipping would cost us additional several hundred dollars. So, I suggested her that instead of flying to her, I would save the plane ticket and help her with the shipping costs. She became very upset and thought that I was being cheap about the ticket to fly to her. To clarify the situation, I don't think I am being cheap at all. I have always paid for all the times we go out to eat (and we go out to eat very often, probably more than once a day) I paid for her tickets to come and see me when it's her turn to fly. I flew to her with my own expenses, etc... The thing that hurt me so much was that she got so upset and she told me that she would never want to receive anything from me again since she thought I was cheap. But what I tried to do was just saving money on my part so that I could help her out. It's not like I save the plane ticket and spend it for myself. I always thought for US, not for ME. In addition, I just want to work a little harder so that I could make a little more so that we won't have to worry too much about money when she moves over here. Anyway, she thought that I was not there for her when she needed me, but I was always there for her when she was sad and needed me before. I feel like she wasn't understanding for me. I tried to work hard and everything I have, I spend it on the relationship. Even when the budget was tight, I always tried hard to go and see her and give her flowers and gifts. But only the time when I tried to save a little more so that we could both benefit from it, she took everything else for granted as if I never did anything for her. She wants to take care of everything herself and she never wants to ask me for anything anymore. It breaks my heart to hear that. So my questions for all of you are that. Am I a bad boyfriend? Am I too cheap? Thanks a lot,
Rinnix Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 But only the time when I tried to save a little more so that we could both benefit from it, she took everything else for granted as if I never did anything for her. No, I don't think that you are a bad boyfriend. I don't expect that much from my boyfriend either. My partner and I pay everything half. It sounds like your girlfriend is used to being spoiled. She is upset that she isn't getting her way. It should be half and half, it's how I see it. As you said above, you are being taken for granted.
Rollercoasterr Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 She's acting like a spoiled brat. You aren't being a bad boyfriend. You've been an awesome boyfriend throughout this whole thing(maybe even too awesome, hence the spoiled brattiness) and now she's mad because you want to save money so you can end up spoiling her more? Just let her throw her temper tantrum and then tell her how it's going to be. You're doing this for the both of you, not just for her and not just for you. You're looking at the bigger picture whilst she's only looking at the "woe is me" part. How is she normally? Is she prone to throwing fits like this when she doesn't get what she wants? If she does, it may be a red flag for things to come. Do you want a girlfriend/partner, or do you want a 4 year old daughter? Of course, if she's not normally like this it could just be stress. In either case you are seriously being taken for granted. Good luck!
little.skittles Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Well I'm not sure because I don't know her personally. I don't think your a bad boyfriend but I think maybe that your not understanding her feelings towards the situation. I assume she is moving her entire life just to live your life. Don't take this the wrong way but the least you could do is take some time off of work and help her move her stuff. Think of all that she is giving up compared to what your giving up which is just a few days off. I think I sort of feel for the girl because I was once in a long distance relationship and we broke up because he wasn't worth giving up my family and friends for.
Mr.Raindrop Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 It doesn't sound like you're a bad boyfriend, it sounds like to me shes just another selfish human being. Try explaining all of that to her, because money shouldn't be her main concern.
heartcore Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 you're trying to be practical. since you've been accommodating in the past, she is highly disappointed that she can't have what she expected. explain to her again about time and money, having to take time off work, and the reason why you're short right now and the reason you want to save a little. Remind her that you've always gave willing and if financially able you would get her what she wanted. tell her that she shouldn't put on the guilt on you by trying to do everything herself and that it makes you feel like all of the efforts you've done means nothing to her. i think she's testing how far she can get her way. you should ask her why it's important to her to fly instead. perhaps she has a really good reason why. tell her if flying is that important then you'll get her ticket however you have to postpone the move 2-4 weeks (or whatever) til you have the funds to fly her over.
Tayla Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Three sides here to consider: Girlfriend:(1) Graduating (stresss enough?), MOving (More stress?), Starting a Live-In Relationship abroad or away from friends and family (More stress), Lack of Financial stability to take care of herself at the start of all this transistion ( Stress yet again). So yeah that is her side. Boyfriend: (1) Trying to maintain a sense of chivalry of coming to her aide and being the good man. Falls short in that for once, realizes, the funds are limited and she at some point must concede that goodness has been bestowed in the past. Helping to move locally would be one thing, but this does impede when its days/weeks off work to get her settled in. Boyfriend is being realistic yet stops short on empathizing with her "emotional" adjustments to this transistion. Third side: (Observer) Girlfriend needs to acknowledge that sacrifices need to be made for logn term goals to even start! As an Independent Lady she can be resourceful and find ways to get her things and settle in to the new location and boyfriend. Boyfriend "listens" to her real issues, perhaps this preconceived idea that he would "always" be there to help during these big moment changes...fell short and now she is left wondering how she will manage? Boyfriend is wise to start laying some fine lines on when financial aide can be administered and when its the females' time to contribute in part.
daisy love Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 I don't think you are a bad boyfriend!! How can someone who is planning for a future together be bad??
Author relationship_learner Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 Thanks everyone so much for your reply. It really helped me to clarify the situation. I tried to explain to her but it didn't seem like she bought it . I am self-employed, so time really means money to me. In the past, I sacrifice not only money but TIME to be with her. I just want to focus to my business so that when she comes, I wouldn't have to be more stressed out. But because of the flexibility that I have on the work that I do, she felt like she would have all the time she wanted. I asked her what if I worked at a JOB from 8-5 and I can't skip work ever. How would she able to manage? I have postponed a lot of my businesses in the past just to be with her and have let several opportunities flown by. I am not regreting but I don't think I was selfish. I guess she is very dependent on me and it's partially my fault cuz I didn't set expectations at the beginning, now it's hard to make her realize. I love her to death, but I am worried that this will cause a lot of stress and trouble for our relationship in the future. Anyway, I will get a ticket and fly to help her. It would probably the last time anyway. I won't be able to work effectively if she always hold this against me later on. Thanks everybody for your help, and don't hesitate to give me more suggestions. It was very helpful for me to see things in a different perspective. God bless!
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