She says we're moving too fast.

[Storm2166]

I've been with my girlfriend for about 3 and a half months now. She's about 4 years older than me and we started dating officially at the beginning of February. She had just gotten out of a year and a half long relationship with an emotionally distant man late in September. She's a very shy girl and very independent. I'm a bit of a late bloomer and this is my first relationship.

 

Anyways, we had a serious talk a few nights ago. She'd been pulling back for awhile before and now we finally talked about it. She says she wasn't ready for a relationship, but she really liked me so she went for me. She says we moved too fast by spending the night together a few nights a week even though we've only had sex a few times. We also got trashed and dropped the L bomb too soon (we've decided not to use that one for awhile). She wants to stop having sex (we haven't in about a month anyway) and go back to the 'dating' phase that she says we skipped so she has time to work through the issues that she has left over from her last relationship, which ended badly. She says that she feels like she's cheating me out of who she really is by not working through these issues. She feels selfish for asking this because she took my virginity and doesn't want to ask me to wait for her and offered to take a break so I can pursue other women and said she wouldn't see anyone else and would be waiting for me. (this would sound like a death knell to anyone else, but she was choked up and nearly in tears when she said this) She said she felt this was the only way to be fair to me even though she knew I might meet someone else (this is when she started tearing up)

 

This all sounds like bad news, but she also added that she sees us having so much fun this summer and wants to get through her issues for that. She says I'm the first good guy she's ever dated and she really deeply cares for me, that I'm so bright and funny and outgoing that I balance her out and make her feel so happy when I'm with her. She just wants to slow things down and deal with these issues, and feels like pinning me down to her while she does isn't fair to me. I told her I was willing to wait for her because I care about her a lot (I do), and she said she was relieved by talking about it but told me to make sure I wasn't just telling her what she wants to hear. I also told her that sexually I was going to have her make the first move. I am a little worried that she's moving towards a break up or just not ready for a relationship at all. What do you guys think? I really do want to be with her, but I want to be with her fully. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. Do I take what she says at face value and wait for her? Do you guys think we stand a good chance of moving past this and becoming a healthy couple? Or do you think she is a lost cause and I should just make a clean break, deal with the heart ache and move on? Any advice is appreciated. I'm really torn up and confused about this since it's my first relationship and I feel like I'm walking blind.

[TheLoneSock]

I've been with my girlfriend for about 3 and a half months now. She's about 4 years older than me and we started dating officially at the beginning of February. She had just gotten out of a year and a half long relationship with an emotionally distant man late in September. She's a very shy girl and very independent. I'm a bit of a late bloomer and this is my first relationship.

 

Anyways, we had a serious talk a few nights ago. She'd been pulling back for awhile before and now we finally talked about it. She says she wasn't ready for a relationship, but she really liked me so she went for me. She says we moved too fast by spending the night together a few nights a week even though we've only had sex a few times. We also got trashed and dropped the L bomb too soon (we've decided not to use that one for awhile). She wants to stop having sex (we haven't in about a month anyway) and go back to the 'dating' phase that she says we skipped so she has time to work through the issues that she has left over from her last relationship, which ended badly. She says that she feels like she's cheating me out of who she really is by not working through these issues. She feels selfish for asking this because she took my virginity and doesn't want to ask me to wait for her and offered to take a break so I can pursue other women and said she wouldn't see anyone else and would be waiting for me. (this would sound like a death knell to anyone else, but she was choked up and nearly in tears when she said this) She said she felt this was the only way to be fair to me even though she knew I might meet someone else (this is when she started tearing up)

 

This all sounds like bad news, but she also added that she sees us having so much fun this summer and wants to get through her issues for that. She says I'm the first good guy she's ever dated and she really deeply cares for me, that I'm so bright and funny and outgoing that I balance her out and make her feel so happy when I'm with her. She just wants to slow things down and deal with these issues, and feels like pinning me down to her while she does isn't fair to me. I told her I was willing to wait for her because I care about her a lot (I do), and she said she was relieved by talking about it but told me to make sure I wasn't just telling her what she wants to hear. I also told her that sexually I was going to have her make the first move. I am a little worried that she's moving towards a break up or just not ready for a relationship at all. What do you guys think? I really do want to be with her, but I want to be with her fully. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. Do I take what she says at face value and wait for her? Do you guys think we stand a good chance of moving past this and becoming a healthy couple? Or do you think she is a lost cause and I should just make a clean break, deal with the heart ache and move on? Any advice is appreciated. I'm really torn up and confused about this since it's my first relationship and I feel like I'm walking blind.

 

When a girl is the one who thinks you are moving too fast, chances are that either you really are moving too fast, or she is either losing interest or is getting distracted by what she thinks may be greener grass.

 

No matter the reason though, the answer to this is to mirror her movements. If she is pulling back, do so as well, perhaps even more so. Demote the relationship in your mind if you have to and go into low contact until she comes back to you in the way she was before she got cold feet. In the mean time start looking at other options - she clearly doesn't want to be exclusive with you, so do not abide by that rule. That way if she doesn't come back around, you will already have put in the work of moving on. And if she does come back around, you will be emboldened and there for far more attractive in her eyes.

[OliveOyl]

I think you should make a clean break, go NC, and move on.

 

IF there's a chance with her this is the only thing that will turn her around. If there is no chance with her, then you've saved yourself a ton of being in limbo and heartache.

 

Don't settle for a half-relationship.

 

Just my very blunt opinion.

[thatone]

agree.

 

as soon as you do mention another woman even if it's just a phone number you got and never called, she'll have who she really wants.

 

she'll be waiting alright, for you to be everything that the other guy she's with isn't, at her leisure, with nothing you want in return.

[oaks]

It sounds like she isn't ready for a relationship. (Or, perhaps, isn't ready for a relationship with you.) If you want a relationship, find someone who is.