Why is it so hard to find a real friend?

[PelicanPete]

Aside from my family of course, after examining my past relationships with people I realized that I've never come across genuine friendship. I mean I have had a lot of acquaintances but they remain acquaintances because those relationships hit a dead end, whether it be lack of interest or growing apart. I never had a friend who was there for me through thick and thin, or helps me out when I need it and looks out for me, and values the time we spend together.

 

Every time I have tried to open up and develop deeper bonds with people, I have always ended up hurt in the end. They end up breaking my trust in one way or another, or they disappear when I really need help, or they are just extremely selfish and ignorant.

 

I have been friends with one guy since we were kids, but he isn't a very good friend to me because he is selfish. I'm always there to help in anyway I can to make his life easier, but out of our many years of friendship he has never once stuck his neck for me. He's fun to be around I guess, but he is definitely not someone who would show up on moving day.

 

The closest I have come to real friendship was with my ex girlfriend. I was able to talk to her about anything which is really the only thing I miss from our relationship. Of course sex and everything was great but I really treasured how close I was to her. I thought she did too, but in the end she cheated on me and left me for another guy.

 

I would trade a pile of acquaintances for a good reliable friend any day. Am I the only one who can't find a real friend?

[Mr.Raindrop]

No, you certainly aren't alone!

 

Your situation sounds a lot like mine, so that's at least one person who can relate. Anyways, I think it's so hard to find true friends because of the nature of humans. People, at heart, are very selfish so there are very few who would go out of their way to help you unless they were to gain from it somehow. I suppose this would be the perfect opportunity to share one of my favorite quotes, since it relates.

 

"From the moment we're thrown into this world, we're fated to bring each other nothing but pain and misery."

[Rinnix]

Not alone!

 

I had to rid of many of my old friends because they took me for granted. I would give all I could in the friendship, and they would take from me.

 

I do have some friends now, but we aren't as close due to busy lives and distances.

 

I too am hoping to meeting some new people. I suppose we just have to put ourselves out there

[little.skittles]

I hear you man. So many people have come and gone in my life. I haven't had a best friend since jr. high. That was so long ago. I try not to think about it because it's really sad and it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me even though I know in my own heart, I'm okay, I'm a good person and I have a lot to give. I guess I just haven't had that good of a connection with someone.

 

I am also someone who will drop what I'm doing to help out a friend. If they need me, I'm there and I'm usually enthusiastic to help but anytime I've found myself in trouble and needed their help or even their guidance, it feels like nobody is there.

[orangelady]

Yeah, I'm facing this too. Can I know what is your age though? I'm wondering if its because I am too old. I am 28 and people tell me finding a real friend gets worse as you get older. I believe it. They say the best times to form strong friendships is when you're in high school. I notice that those kind of friendships formed at high school are stronger and last for a lifetime if both parties make the effort.

 

For me, high school was a disaster and all the girls went their own way. I tried to stay in touch with one of my best friends from high school but she didn't want to stay in touch with me anymore. She was doing well in her life. Both of them actually.

 

 

I find friends really superficial. They stick with you when they need something but otherwise, they won't make the effort to spend time with you. It all depends on what you can offer them.

 

I feel lonely enough that I don't have a SO and I don't even have real friends. I have acquaintances like you, but someone who will want to hang out with me? No.

 

You can try going to meetup. groups. I did but I really don't enjoy the activities that they hold. All of them are extreme outdoors which is not my kind of thing.

Edited May 14, 2011 by orangelady

[Wang101]

Aside from my family of course, after examining my past relationships with people I realized that I've never come across genuine friendship. I mean I have had a lot of acquaintances but they remain acquaintances because those relationships hit a dead end, whether it be lack of interest or growing apart. I never had a friend who was there for me through thick and thin, or helps me out when I need it and looks out for me, and values the time we spend together.

 

Every time I have tried to open up and develop deeper bonds with people, I have always ended up hurt in the end. They end up breaking my trust in one way or another, or they disappear when I really need help, or they are just extremely selfish and ignorant.

 

I have been friends with one guy since we were kids, but he isn't a very good friend to me because he is selfish. I'm always there to help in anyway I can to make his life easier, but out of our many years of friendship he has never once stuck his neck for me. He's fun to be around I guess, but he is definitely not someone who would show up on moving day.

 

The closest I have come to real friendship was with my ex girlfriend. I was able to talk to her about anything which is really the only thing I miss from our relationship. Of course sex and everything was great but I really treasured how close I was to her. I thought she did too, but in the end she cheated on me and left me for another guy.

 

I would trade a pile of acquaintances for a good reliable friend any day. Am I the only one who can't find a real friend?

 

You're not alone. I've the same problem too. I never have any true friends so far. They all come to me when they needed help and gone. I've lent my shoulders to many girl friends to cry on, but nobody there for me when I need one. I guess friends come and go...

[Katzen]

Yes, it seems to happen.

 

I haven't had a "deep" friendship for a rather long time. I have a friend who I know since I was 9 and our friendship seems to have died quite a bit. This school year I was able to join his group of mates and so far so good. Though it's not that thing of doing stuff together a lot; Before we used to do lots of things out of school. Perhaps it's my fault for not really letting him know.

 

Also, our mothers were quite close and that helps a lot, but his hasn't had contact with us or invited for quite a few months, now I only have contact with him at school.

But he supported me a lot when I lost a pair of friends:

 

It hit me hard ia pair of friends with who I had a great relationship in school began to treat me badly on High school. Sure we were all kind of immature (12 yrs old) and part of it is my fault but they didn't support me. I had somekind of videogame/internet dependence (I was talking all day about gaming) and they began to treat me badly. Suddenly one of your best friends becomes a monster against you, it's traumatic.

This probably has etched on my mind and I have lost a bit of faith on friends.

 

I'm 16 now and I do find hard to make friendships. The biggest one is the friend I told you about in the first part of the post (met him 7 yrs ago). Acquitances are easy, classmates and all, easy to have a nice relation with them.

Edited May 16, 2011 by Katzen

[oldguy]

You are not alone at all, true friends take time and commitment to nurture. Most of us are too busy with school, work, life. We do not spend enough time. Some people are not trusting enough, then some people are to overbearing. I have been fortunate enough to have three close friends most of my life & I found that to be rare. And I have had regular contact with only one of them over the past... nearly 40 years and even we drifted apart for short periods of time for various reasons. One of them is a young lady I've known since we where young, we even dated off & on when we where in our teen years but drifted apart because my first wife of over 20 years was jealous of our relationship. However my current wife is much more secure and 4 of us, including her husband are now in regular contact.

I've always liked the line; "a friend is someone who knows you best and likes you anyway". Plant a seed, cultivate it, nourish it but don't smother it. Sounds kind of sappy but you have to prioritize it and work on it I think. I also think the easy part is; your going to find friends doing what you enjoy doing. If you have a passion, join a related club & you might find some friends there to cultivate :-)

Good luck to you.

Edited May 16, 2011 by oldguy

[St.Rosa]

I find this to be more common than we think, having no "real" friends. I feel that a lot of people don't value friendship and many end up settling for people who take advantage, use and hurt them.

 

I've been hurt and abandoned by friends and it sucks. It's bad enough I'm single but I also have no friends really. I tell people this and they don't believe me, ok yes I have acquaintances from class but that is all and that is all they will be.

 

I'm going to be 22 and I'm afraid it's just going to be, as OrangeLady said even harder or impossible to find good, true friends.

 

I have discovered that a part of me is afraid of putting myself out there friendship-wise now after my past friendships ending abruptly and/or painfully ... but I suppose I have to at least try.

[Badenov]

Thank God for your thread! I've been thinking it was just me who had this problem. My friends always seem to let me down--take advantage of me, lie to me, blow me off, etc. I thought there was something wrong w/ me coz they never seem to regret it or apologize.

 

In my last friendship I told myself I would just be a good friend & try not to expect too much in return. But the little things added up & I finally walked away.

[St.Rosa]

Thank God for your thread! I've been thinking it was just me who had this problem. My friends always seem to let me down--take advantage of me, lie to me, blow me off, etc. I thought there was something wrong w/ me coz they never seem to regret it or apologize.

 

In my last friendship I told myself I would just be a good friend & try not to expect too much in return. But the little things added up & I finally walked away.

 

Sounds like my life! ...

[PelicanPete]

I apologize, I should be following up with this thread. Thanks everyone for your replies.

 

Socializing for me is actually fatiguing. I never go to parties or social events, not because I would be alone and have no one to talk to, but simply because it all just feels like a charade. You can tell everyone is acting so fake it's almost contagious. If I'm talking to someone I know is phony, I watch myself begin to mirror them as a reflex. In high school I had tons of classmates I was friendly with, and it would be such a relief to get away from that environment of everyone portraying themselves as someone different to who they actually are. Although that cesspool of insecurity can be amusing, a lot of times you get brought down to their level.

 

Orangelady: I'm 20 years old, but I think I can relate to what you're saying. It seems the older you get, the more skewed it is to create bonds with someone. It was so much easier making friends when we we're children. Why is that? Because children don't hide who they are, hense the expression "kids can be so cruel". You were either a nice person, or you were a trouble maker. It is much easier for me to click with people I knew since I was 5 compared to people I am meeting today, because I have a general idea of whether they are a nice person or an ass.

 

I was advised that there are no such thing as friends. They are only your friends if you are good for nothing, or if they can make use of you. The more I have been thinking about it, the more it has been making sense to me. All of my friends have had some sort of purpose to me, and when that purpose evaporates we drift apart. In high school I noticed a lot of people clawing at companionship to silence their insecurity about themselves. They have the ugly friend so they look better, or they have a large group of friends they spend tons of time with so that they don't have to focus on themselves. People identify themselves with friends so that they feel better about themselves,Itis all a way of procrastinating at being comfortable with who you really are.

[carhill]

The other end of the road holds some surprises, and I think you'll like them. Have faith.

[Disillusioned]

Most Americans are interested in looking out for themselves only, and the heck with everyone else.

 

Even then, Americans tend to be more casual about friendship. I've lost count of the number of times people have told me "let's get together" and they never do.

[carhill]

Outline some realistic expectations for thread consumption....

 

I'll start:

 

One of my friends from the east coast sent me a nice Easter card from she and her H (he's one of my fellow auto hobbyists) and inquired about a health issue I'm facing and when I would be returning for a visit, as they always enjoy my company. This couple happens to be relatively new friends, only of a decade or so but, as former NYC'ers, being a hard nut to crack, they are very loyal and loving friends.

 

The take-away - A friend is caring and proactive.

 

Like any human relationship, building friendships entails some risk. Putting oneself out there. Being a good friend. Having healthy boundaries. Sure, there will be some unpleasant and hurtful experiences. That's part of living. There's also great joy and love to be given and received. It's all part of life.

[My-lady-smiles]

Finding true friends is very difficult. I live in a pretty big city wth busy shallow people who have no time or care to form bonds with other. I have one friend outside of my sister and cousin. I am very selective in who I let enter my life.

 

Friends or no friends I am just happy for the gift of life and try my best to be a good person every day. cheers

[GingerCookie]

I'm new here but would love to add a comment. I'm in my mid thirties, a single parent and in the same boat but for different reasons. First, I have had many friends, I have lost many friends and now I'm just beginning to make new friends again. It's a never ending process but one that can be done.

 

I had a handful of friends in high school and have maintained a connection with some of them still to this day even though we live in different states, one happens to be my best friend, we have very little in common but emphasize what we do have in common and that keeps us strong. I met a few friends in college, who I rarely see but I still love them the same. In my mid twenties I only had one friend. We barely did anything together but we made each other laugh at work and helped each other by building each other up with words, she and I no longer have anything in common but we still keep in touch, catch up and encourage one another in our life's journey.

By my early 30's I had made some stupid choices which devastated my self esteem. The people I thought were my friends were not there for me during my "dark" time and I had thought we were all so tight. Nope! No encouraging words, no support, nothin. I was friends with them for over 4 years, daily 2 hour workouts, shopping, partying, movies, you name it, but in the end, they weren't able to stand by me. As you might guess, I lost all self esteem and became crippled by insecurity. Because I was now a mother with 2 children out of wedlock, I labeled myself and avoided meeting anyone for fear they should find out and be just as "ashamed" as my friends.

 

It took 4 years to finally figure out that I need to love myself regardless of what anyone else thinks and to move on from the past. So I have, and I've started to meet people and make new friends. I'm not sure what these friendships are going to be like. I have no idea if they will last or if they will fade away. What I do know is that as long as they are open to getting to know me, I need to cherish who they are and what they are bringing into the friendship. We are not meant to live alone, we are created to be social beings, and there are so many others out there who are looking for friends too!

 

I'm homebound everyday because I'm a full time online student (went back to college) and full time momma to 2 young boys. I have no time, but the time I'm willing to give I'm going to really be there for the other person, be there to listen to them, their ideas thoughts and opinions, and grow from them. Don't give up! I promise you, you will find friends. If you really enjoy doing some type of activity find a club or group and start where it would be easy to talk about the subject at hand.

 

BTW, I just want to let you know, during the years I wouldn't speak to anyone, I would watch people in their cars, friends hanging out together talking and laughing and go home and cry because I was so lonely. It really doesn't need to be that way. Believe in yourself, love yourself, accept yourself and put yourself out there, ask someone if they like Thai or Sushi and grab some lunch, or ask if they've gone to a Zumba class and if not invite them. Someone in your area of where you are living is thinking they'd like a friend too! Find the connection, ask a lot of questions about them, get to know who they really are and focus on where you connect, more than likely you'll either grow in the areas where you don't connect, or become strong supporters where you do connect!

 

Hope this helps a little. I've been there and maybe further in the black, and can tell you it is possible to find friends, just keep in mind, there are so many different types of people and that means so many different types of friends, so one may be great at listening, the other encouraging, and another at being a handy man! Try not to rely on one person holding all of those qualities it will suffocate them!