DCMNW Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Anyone have good book recommendations for OW that helped you get over your A? My A is technically over but I am still in contact with xMM as "friends". We talk on the phone every other day or so and see each other in passing at work. However it's becoming increasingly difficult as it's allowing me hold on to a glimmer of hope that maybe one day things will work out for us once he "figures out his life". I realize that is is not likely to happen. I feel like I need a reality check to help me go NC and move on with my life. Thanks in advance.
BB07 Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Hi..........I've read a lot but mostly stuff on the web but I did read, Women who love too much. I felt some of it applied to me but it was a small amt.
Breezy Trousers Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Here's an old thread you might find helpful: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t257850/ Yeah, I do think if you still in contact, you're still in the affair. Frankly, I would have to get another job in your situation. I just couldn't handle that. The books I've read the past three years always reflected my intention. Very early in my "dance" with MM (also at work), I read hot sex & affair books. Those were exciting, if very love foggy, days. Then, when I started seeing unsettling, incongruent things about MM, I inexplicably felt drawn to reading about abuse and personality disorders. (A year later, I found out why!) Now I'm reading books about codependency, empowerment, family dynamics. I guess it comes full circle.
Rooke Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Excellent question and well done for realising you want to move on! Have a look on Amazon, I'm reading "Don't call that man, a survival guide to letting go" and Paul McKennas "I can mend your broken heart" both excellent and working wonders!
Gentlegirl Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Hello, I suggest that you are still in contact because it gives you that faint glimmer of hope as you said. I suggest he likes it while he pretneds to figure out his life. You are on hold, just in caase he can rop you back in. NC and really NC is the way to go. Bood Luck, Genltegirl.
MorningCoffee Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser. (how an A or other crisis can fuel personal growth) Will He Really Leave Her for Me? by Rona Subotnik (helpful even though written for OW and I was an OM) The Wisdom of a Broken Heart by Susan Piver (a little "woo-woo" but still helpful)
Breezy Trousers Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 Wanted to throw another book on the pile: Narcissistic Lovers: How to Cope, Recover & Move On. Highly recommended for anyone, but especially those of you who discovered you were involved with serial cheaters. http://www.amazon.com/Narcissistic-Lovers-Cope-Recover-Move/dp/0882822837
Silly_Girl Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 On the subject of books, I read 'How to survive your boyfriend's divorce'. Only one passage really seemed to apply to me/us so it wasn't a lot of value in my case. However it's brand new and highly recommended for any OW staying with the MM after he leaves. If anyone in the UK wants it you can have it and I'll post it for free. Hate to see these things go to waste. PM me if interested
jwi71 Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 None - they are useless in my opinion. A self-help book is little more than a therapy monologue whose sole purpose is to fatten the wallet of the snake oil salesman, oops, I meant author. Find a good IC and spend your money there...the dialog there is invaluable as your IC changes, tailors and helps YOU explore avenues in YOURSELF in a focused exchange. Self-help books are for those who want the easy way out. Not possible...do the heavy lifting in IC. My .02
Silly_Girl Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I did IC for several months, but I still think in specialist areas a book can challenge your views or just point things out. Not to be used instead of, no.
Noregret Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 2 BESTT Books I have read: - Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man - Straight Talk, No Chaser Both by Steve Harvey! A MUST READ!!! and if you were accomodating (like me ) - Read: Why Men love Bitches!
MorningCoffee Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 (edited) None - they are useless in my opinion. A self-help book is little more than a therapy monologue whose sole purpose is to fatten the wallet of the snake oil salesman, oops, I meant author. Find a good IC and spend your money there...the dialog there is invaluable as your IC changes, tailors and helps YOU explore avenues in YOURSELF in a focused exchange. Self-help books are for those who want the easy way out. Not possible...do the heavy lifting in IC. My .02 My take is a little different. True, one has to do the work oneself to make prgress, but sometimes words in a book can trigger an insight, or confirm a gut feeling, or otherwise provide a way to frame some challenge that the reader has not previously confronted. Just like LS, there's lots of books to ignore, but some contain gems to treasure. Not a substitute for IC, of course! Edited May 25, 2011 by MorningCoffee
Author DCMNW Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 Thanks everyone for all of the suggestions! I'm definitely going to check some of them out. I agree IC would be good for me, but right now I can't afford it, so self help books will have to do for the time being. btw, I'm still having a tough time b/c xMM has become a very close friend now. I had a really rough day last week and if he wasn't there for advice and to help me get through it I don't know what I would've done...I'm know I'm going to always wish we were more but sometimes I think maybe I can handle just being friends. It's just hard...
Breezy Trousers Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 My take is a little different. True, one has to do the work oneself to make prgress, but sometimes words in a book can trigger an insight, or confirm a gut feeling, or otherwise provide a way to frame some challenge that the reader has not previously confronted. Just like LS, there's lots of books to ignore, but some contain gems to treasure. Not a substitute for IC, of course! My experience, too, MorningCoffee. I turned away from an affair, all thanks to books. Then I saw MM's true colors after I pulled away. Books absolutely saved me. Then again, I wanted help. If I was less interested in help and more interested in protecting love fog, no book or therapist would have mattered anyway. DCMNW, I doubt I could handle being "friends" with an XMM -- not for 5 or 10 years anyway!
jwi71 Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 I did IC for several months, but I still think in specialist areas a book can challenge your views or just point things out. Not to be used instead of, no. Good point I didn't consider - or even think of. OK, if your IC suggests that you read a book and he/she did not pen said book then go ahead. Might be useful to discuss it in IC - a tool in ADDITION to IC. Substitute for? Not. Even. Close. So, I'll change my position on that a hair.
Breezy Trousers Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Another interesting book to throw on the pile: Between the Sheets: The Literary Liaisons of Nine 20th Century Women Writers by Lesley McDowell (2010) This book is not at all written from an infidelity perspective, but from a literary perspective (i.e., it's very interesting, but not a beach read). Infidelity seems to be part of many of these writers' stories, either as OW or BS. The 10-year affair between Rebecca West and H.G. Wells is explored (one child together), as is the many decades affair between Elizabeth Smart and George Barker (four children together). The betrayal in the marriage between Sylvia Plath and Ted Hughes is explored (ending in her suicide). One of Ernest Hemingway's four marriages (to Martha Gelhorn) is discussed, as is the affair between Anais Nin and Henry Miller -- among other relationships, of course.
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