Vital Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 My situation is different in that my relationship has always been theoretically "open", polyamorous, and non-monogamous. I'm also queer and don't subscribe to the "people with penises vs vaginas think this way". It doesn't help me when people start telling me "oh, this is how 'guys' work". Gender is a spectrum, people. Okay, so: My partner and I had been dating for 8 months. I am 23 and he is 22. I am female and he is male-bodied. We are both queer. It was an open relationship, per my request, and it wasn't always easy. I had casually dated (been intimate with) two people (one male / one female). We had boundaries that weren't to be crossed. I was good at that, and didn't cross any boundaries that were explicitly stated. He was a little sad while I had my stints outside the relationship, but those relationships faded and we were doing well. We were primary partners. Both of us are awful at "going slow". We dove head-first into our relationship. Neither of us were good at spending time away from each other or taking space. I suppose that the relationship plateaued around 6 months, because we were getting a little boring, and instead of resolving that amongst ourselves, he started dating his good friend. Fine. We restated boundaries and I tried my best to keep the doors open to communication. He is not good at communication. Anyhow, After dating his friend for 2 weeks, he started telling her he loves her. They crossed a boundary (Penis/Vagina sex) with each other, which upset me, but I was willing to work though it. This is where things got hard. I started communicating, communicating, communicating. Talking his ear off, maybe, trying to get a grasp on the situation. Panicking, perhaps. I have abandonment issues and my greatest fear was that this was going too fast and that he would cease to be my family - that he would up and leave. Conventional wisdom in non-monogamous situations is that usually this jealousy/fear is unfounded. I had the sense that mine wasn't. My partner had just cheated on me. I wanted to keep the relationship and work on it, so I worked REALLY hard. I obsessively read books about poly/non-monogamy and how to make it work. I read forums. I posted. I talked. I talked. I asked for responses. I asked about his needs.... I did everything I could. He took a "week off" from both myself and the other partner for about four days before he decided that he wanted to come back to me and be monogamous. So, he broke up with her and came home. He said it was worth it, but I've been extra clingy since, hoping that if I keep the lines of communication, he'd assure me that he wouldn't leave and that he was dedicated. But he never talked to me about anything, really. He never did any work. Again, I obsessively read books about poly/non-monogamy and how to make it work. I read forums. I posted. I talked. I talked. I asked for responses. I asked about his needs.... I got laid off on Thursday. We were supposed to be "taking space" for a couple of days. This would have been the second day. He had a reading group, but when I texted him to tell him about losing my job, he skipped it and came right home to comfort me. I was taking it well, and we made dinner plans and were getting ready to go. But he seemed distant. Smiling (and half-joking), I said, "are you thinking of breaking up with me"? And he did. Right then and there. It was four days before his birthday. I asked him to reconsider. To let me give him space to work things out. I still don't really know what happened! I'm sure it was that I was too clingy, and I put too much pressure on him to share his grief with me. He was unhealthy/depressed/sad. He said he didn't know what his identity was without me anymore. He cried and cried, said he's afraid that I won't be friends with him and he left me a note when he came to get his stuff the next day that said he would always love me, blah blah blah. I'm so afraid that he's just going to start up a relationship with the person he cheated on me with, even though he assures me that he's taking this time for himself. DAY ONE we break up. DAY TWO he comes to get his stuff while I'm at work. I leave him a note with his clothes. It was on the back of a draft of a birthday card I was making him. It said "This is a draft of a birthday card I was making for you / a healthy relationship is one in which both partners are loving and willing to put in the work / you've fallen out of love with me / I will not grieve for long" I write him a long, grueling email and send it: YOU DO NOT NEED TO READ THIS, but you obviously can if you like: I need to get the last word in right now :: I've broken some cardinal breakup rules. I'm a bit sore in the heart. You know I'm a phoneaholic when I'm scared. That's done, I hope. What a silly girl I am! Recently, I've been acting like an anxious, grabby, cranky, crazy person. I don't think I realized how much your grief and distance was affecting me, and how much we were agitating each other. This morning I woke up and realized that I'd been living in a cloud for the past two months. It was hard for me to feel comfortable with someone who seemed able to leave me at the drop of a hat (now confirmed), and I know that it is hard to really be in love with an anxiousgrabbycrankycrazy partner, which is what I increasingly became as you grew more distant from me. Viscous cycle. I thought we were committed (hence, "family"), but we were clearly more casual than I knew, from your seat. "Thinking for a while" about leaving me, without giving me so much as an inkling or chance to make changes, and then doing it on our way out to dinner, on the day I get laid off - it's weird and feels ill-conceived. How could you do something so devastating? It feels impulsive and of-the-moment. Hurtful. I've been tempted by the idea of giving up, but would never do it under such circumstances. What a horrible thing to do to someone! I'm at once genuinely surprised and not at all. I suppose you did what you thought was good for you. I believe there was a time that you really loved me very much, and I think with a little bit of work, the fussy stage could have been relatively short and simple to tackle. It seems you didn't want to put in the energy to get over that hump with me, or thought what was on the other side simply wasn't worth it. What a complete and utter insult. That person who acted-out as a result of stress is not who I am. When I put myself in a healthy environment, I can do anything I set out to do with self-respect and dignity. Thank heavens. I know that things will work out for the best. I can find a healthy place now. [sIZE=4]I deserve to be respected and loved. I deserve not to be dumped all matter-of-fact, like dirty water on the day I lose my job. I deserve not to be cheated on, not to be lied to, not to be led-on, not to be withheld from. I deserve SUPPORT and UNDERSTANDING. I deserve a future surrounded by people who are able to work things out with me.[/sIZE] I deserve better than what you were willing to give me. If I don't understand this and act on it, then I'm doing myself a disservice. I acknowledge that I could have responded with less-intensity and anxiety to the troubles we were having.I acknowledge that we had mutually-established toxic patterns that needed serious review. I have a high tolerance for mistakes and changes. I am flexible, if only my partner can lovingly acknowledge my position. Yesterday, I couldn't believe it was happening. Today, I am not as scared to be without you. It comforts me to know that I was the more willing, meet-you-in-the-middle party. I can take that, as well as the lessons I've learned about how to healthfully deal with stress with another person, to a more goal-oriented period with myself, and to my next relationships. I cared a lot about you. I would have bent over backwards at your request. I am a very strong and capable person. I won't be made to rethink my value as a person or partner, based on your refusal to continue seeing the value in sharing a sacred and intimate space with me. If you've left me for someone you cheated on me with, I really don't think I will ever be able to be friendly with you again. I am gorgeous, lest you forget.He calls me while I'm working, crying about the birthday card note I left him. He hadn't yet read the email. I banter on to him about the same kinds of stuff that are in the email. I call him that night and he picks up. I am grieving, obviously. His ex (whom he had dated for 6 years) had come into his work and started talking about how great her life was - she got into grad school, doing great with her bf, etc. This is depressing him. He tells me what an awful birthday he's going to have. I say that I might be interested in spending his birthday with him (WHAT A MISTAKE). I tell him to call me on Sunday. DAY THREE He goes out of state to visit his BFF. NC. I end up getting drunk with two of my (Female) housemates and showering/doing sexy stuff with them. They're my best friends and the sex was totally friendly. This type of thing would have been totally fine if my ex and I were dating. DAY FOUR He gets back into town and calls, asking if I'm still thinking of hanging with him on his birthday. I say no, I don't think so. I have to take care of myself. I tell him that I hooked up with my bffs. He acts a little surprised, but not very upset. The goal wasn't to upset him. I ask for NO CONTACT. He says okay. DAY FIVE - (NC 1) His birthday. UGH! I went to work, went for a run, hung out with my housemates (I live with 9 other people). DAY SIX - (NC 2) Went to work, did a volunteer shift that we often do together, at a local organization. DAY SEVEN - (NC) Went to work, came home and took care of my friends' son for a few hours. - My concern is this: I know that i have to work on me, but he knows I'm serious about NC because he's seen me go through it with an ex before (who I broke up with), and I really had to get serious with that guy to get him to leave me alone. I'm afraid that even if he wants to try again, he won't, because he's afraid of how I'll treat him if he breaks NC. Dunno.
Lorelai Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Greetings, sister! (I don't suppose you've heard of the Radical Faeries? You sound like you might be in the know...) You also sound like you know who you are and that is so important to dealing with a breakup. I'm going through one myself, and it' hard. I understand not going into immediate NC... I ended up not initiating it until halfway through Day 4 post breakup, but that was because I had no other ride to a medical appointment and he'd agreed to take me several weeks before the breakup. He wants to be friends, too, and I think we have a good shot at it in the long-term in comparison to a lot of people.... we'd been friends for half a decade before trying this. It was a discussion we had when the line was first crossed. The reason I gave for it was that I knew this would be painful for both of us. Grieving anything involves anger, and people who are hurting and angry tend to lash out. And I do have a side to me... I don't want to do that to him. I can't be a good friend right now until I take care of me. But I do have to say... dumping you the same day you lost your job? Callous. It sounds like he may not quite be mature enough to match you...
Author Vital Posted May 13, 2011 Author Posted May 13, 2011 DAY EIGHT - (NC 4) Thanks for the reply, Lorelai! How long have your been broken-up with your partner? I do know of the Radical Faeries. I think they're pretty great and have hung out with some of them - great people! I tend to be more a part of the rad queer community in my city, which tends to be more politically active for radical social justice/egalitarian issues. A good friend of mine in a neighboring city was supposed to come see me, but she bailed last minute. Good thing I live with so many other amazing people. I am still having a hard time, but it really really helps to have so much support in my life. Community is so paramount in getting through something like this. I know that everything will be okay. In part, I feel bad for sending that email, as well as the note. He didn't mean to hurt me. But he did make a lot of really horrid mistakes and then gave up on me. I love him to death but I had to stick up for myself! I still think of him most of the day. I found myself having hope yesterday when an amazing friend of mine, who is happily partnered with a 3 year-old son (and about to try for another), talked about how he and his partner had broken up numerous times before, and now they had been together and so happy for years since their last breakup. It was such a relief and so devastating at the same time. I can't afford that kind of hope. It could kill me. It's true that I'm glorifying the relationship in its aftermath. When I think about it, I know that I can do better in the future. It's just so hard because I love who he is, and I love sharing intimate space with him. hurumph.
Lorelai Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 We had the talk when I got out of work last Wednesday night (the 4th). So I count Wednesday as Day 1. I had the day off on Thursday as an early start to my weekend, and on Friday I had outpatient surgery. I ended up staying at his house because I was too out of it to drive myself home Friday night, but it was probably for the best that I wasn't alone, I'd had a bit more pain than I was expecting post-surgery. I stayed in the guest room, of course. He was very good to still be there for me through it even though we were split up -- major karma points there. I left Saturday morning and have been NC since then, so in the morning it'll be a full week of NC. But I haven't removed him from my Facebook, and he's been commenting and liking my stuff, old stuff when I didn't post for a few days while I was recovering -- nice to know he wanted to make sure I was okay and that he respected my wishes enough not to call me or message me directly, but it still put his name in front of my eyes. I blocked him from my newsfeed and chats just so I don't have to see his name all the time, but my boss is on my Facebook, for goodness's sakes... I don't post all that much there. Right now NC is easier because he's out of town at a music festival... again something that had been planned for weeks. I'm taking this time to work on my own life -- the Universe decided to hand me good with bad instead of just bad and I put down the deposit on a new apartment this week. My ex and I weren't living together, but I have never liked the apartment I'm in (had been great for what it was and my landlord was awesome, but the layout is not great and it has bad carpet -- plus I have a cat, carpet is bad). I've had a month-to-month lease here so I could wait for the right one, and I'd put my intent out to the Universe by searching for pretty much exactly what turned up this week for a long time -- longer than I'd been in this relationship. It's a two bedroom townhouse with all hardwood floors and a gas stove, with an extra half-bath, for the same rent as I'm paying now. I'd been prepared to jump when the right apartment came along, and it's nice that it did now so I have something to occupy my time. I have full permission to paint it however I want because the owner doesn't have it painted yet, and I think I will. I'll be able to make the new place mine, far more than I ever did when I moved into the apartment I've been in the last two years (had moved here immediately after ending a five year live-in LTR). Also since it has hardwoods the landlord isn't charging me a pet deposit, which is awesome. I gave notice to my landlord to vacate here as of June 30th, and I get the keys to the new place on May 27th, so I have plenty of time to move. This had been the first relationship I'd been in since I broke up with the guy I might as well have been married to back then. I've learned a lot about myself from this relationship, and that's a good thing you get out of them even when they end. And while I'm sad and raw right now still, and wish things had turned out differently, I know that it's not meant to be between us. I'm very glad he was emotionally honest with me, that had been my main requirement when we crossed the friendship line after so many years. I think if we can keep up that way, we can make it as friends. But nothing more, and not right now. Maybe not for awhile. Wish they'd understand that sometimes....
Author Vital Posted May 14, 2011 Author Posted May 14, 2011 DAY NINE - (NC 5) I'm having those ups and downs. Nine days broken up feels like a lifetime, but that also gives me hope that I could potentially be twice as far down the road nine days from now. I just want to stop thinking about him. Went out to breakfast with a friend/housemate this morning and we talked a lot about me and the ex. Processing all this junk is really hard. I've been thinking: I owe him some money that I want to give him, and I think he should have it. But I feel like my motives for passing it along to him are bad. I'd like to send him a check in the mail and be frustrated that it doesn't come in a note, or something like that. These thoughts are too much.
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