makelemonade1974 Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 (edited) Hey broken hearts, 9 weeks no contact here, following 12 weeks low contact and I am starting to feel like myself again. It's been 8 months since my breakup. If I can get over my addiction to my ex, anybody can do it. I was a mess (as many of you probably recall), obsessive, miserable, and a bit of a stalker (if drunk texts and occasional unwanted affectionate emails count as stalking). A friend of mine and I came up with "ten commandments" to help me get past this. I thought I would share, as it has been so helpful to me to have a tangible list of "rules." No contact is a given. 1) Thou shalt not idealize your ex. Realize that you probably aren't as in love with this person as you think you are. You are in love with the IDEA of love. You have placed your ex on a pedestal of your own making - a pedestal that represents exactly what you think you need. It is a construct in your head. 2) Thou shalt not think the intensity of your heartbreak is a measure of your love for your ex. Your pain is directly proportional to the extent that you idealized him / her, not the extent that you loved him / her. 3) Thou shalt not deny thine own narcissism. You feel like crap because you have been rejected. This rejection is hard to swallow because it is unimaginable. YOU think that YOU are the coolest person in the universe. You were the perfect girlfriend / boyfriend! How could ANYONE not want to be with YOU? It's unthinkable! Well, think it. Get over yourself. 4) Thou shalt not surf the internet reading articles about your ex's personality disorder in order to justify your own perfection. Someone would have to be CRAZY to leave you, right? Wrong. In all likelihood both you AND your ex are both somewhat crazy. 5) Thou shalt not drive away your friends and torture yourself by continually talking and thinking about the breakup and relating memories / anecdotes about your time with your ex. Distract yourself. Say "stop" out loud anytime you start thinking or talking about him or her. 6) Thou shalt not google your ex's name or the name of anyone associated with your ex (or look at their facebook profile). It's not going to make you feel better. 7) Thou shalt not assume timelines like "it takes half the amount of time you were in a relationship to get over your ex." Getting over your ex cannot be forced, and you will only beat yourself up more if you don't feel 100% better when your proposed time is up. 8) Thou shalt not panic if you have small setbacks in your progress. It is okay to have a "moment" of grief every once in a while, and it is perfectly normal. 9) Thou shalt not be upset about your ex's apparent happy and successful life (without you). The world does not revolve around you and your pain. Your ex does not deserve misery just because you are miserable. Eventually you will be just as happy as he/she appears to be, if not more. 10) Thou shalt not live your life looking backwards. Write a new narrative - a new story about YOU. Create a new identity for yourself as a single, strong, independent person. Do things you've never done before. Do all the things your ex never wanted to do. Think about a beautiful future without your ex. This future will definitely involve another love interest WHEN YOU ARE READY (and when you least expect it), but set that aside for now. Replacing your ex will not make it better. Take control of your own happiness. Some of these are sort of tailored to my particular issues, but I thought they might be helpful to others as well. Hang in there everybody. This too shall pass. Edited May 12, 2011 by makelemonade1974
Feelin Frisky Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 The 11 commandment: "Honor thy loofah and thy falafel". (Sorry, that's an inside joke. )
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