erzulie Posted April 11, 2004 Posted April 11, 2004 Here goes one of the most confusing stories ever. A couple of years ago I met a man at work who completely captivated me, and I mean that in any and every sense that you would think a man is capable of doing. There was an instant connection, unlike any I have ever felt, and to be quite honest I don't fall for just any guy, so for me to have this with someone with so much force was something unknown. Yeah here comes the big BUT, he was married. I know this is going to sound weird but I think I had the mentality that something would have been possible even if he wsa married, the thing was that I had such strong feelings for him I could not just settle for being second choice, so I decided to not even go there with him. In these last two years we have become good friends, we have talked about almost everything and have even had our innocent flirting and those deep looks that come with it, but nothing more. Well the thing is he has had issues with his wife and I know what you are thinking that is what they all say, but I know about these issues through a mutual friend of ours, because he has never spoken to me about his marital problems. So in the back of my mind I wished that he could be free, things got so bad that he even separated from her for a while. But like always he is an upcoming doctor, a great person, handsome, sexy, unique, and everything you could want and a woman having a man like that would not easily give up. So she did what many do, she became pregnant. Okay that sounds bad, because she didn't become it alone obviously he had something to do with it, but knowing the person that he is he would not leave her and eventually came the realization that he would work it out and be there for both his baby and his wife, like it should be. Honestly I was crushed because for the first time ever I felt that I could almost grasp something which was the most amazing thing, and then have to let it go. Here comes the twist, remember that mutual friend we have. He is also a great guy, and I mean great, and also married. He is very attractive and we have been friends for three years. Well the thing is one night we went out and had a great time, of course after a few times out we slept together. After that we met a lot, but to be quite honest 90% of the time we would just talk, the physical part was not even that present. He was equally as smart and captivating, it's just that he wasn't him...... It took me a while to actually express to him the magnitude of feelings that I had for his friend and he listened, and I mean truly listened. Well a few months after guy #1's wife got pregnant, guy #2's wife also became pregnant. I know what you are thinking what the hell is my problem do I have any morals, what kind of idiot would do that with a married man whose wife is pregnant with their second child. The thing is I would have to explain my background. I was extremely over weight for a long time. I mean people would always say, "You have a beautiful face," I hated that cause you would think, "So I guess the rest of me sucks." These two guys who are not only incredibly handsome, kind, and smart, were the only two guys who treated me the same when I was overweight and after I lost all of it. When I did loose all the weight I received attention I didn't know what to do with from men, I never went crazy over it and never let it go to my head. But in all honestly my exterior transformation was an extreme one, I got approached about modeling and the attention from men was amazing. Like I said these two guys treated me the same from day one until now and. Okay back to the story #2 has become such a support system for me especially in these last few months, and more than sex, we have become best friends. I know you think this is the most hypocritical thing in the world, but he talks to me about his family we give each other advice. I know what I feel for #1 and what I do with #2 is wrong (well according to society) but to be honest I would never want either of them to be hurt, and not to make myself the martyr I would much rather hurt myself that let them or their loved ones be hurt. Guy #2 has become my best friend, and I know that when his wife gives birth to their child I will pretty much be out of the picture, mainly because we both know this has to end sometime. What's bad is that guy #1 is pretty much moving to another state around the same time, so for me it would be like a double blow(no pun intended). I guess that now even looking the way I do, I fear the same loneliness returning that always accompanied me when I was overweight. Which is alright with me, I can't intend to prolong either of these situations longer. Loving one man so much, more than any other, and needing the other so much. Ironically they are best friends, and guy #2 has never told guy #1 about us. It's the biggest secret I have ever had. In a way I would be devastated if guy #1 found out, because despite his situation, the feeling of knowing that we would and could of had something amazing has always been there for both of us. I know I deserve the loneliness after what I did with #2, or so many of you would think. My point is that I have always known what I was doing was wrong, but I didn't allow myself to thing of the wrong part, and for the first time ever I wanted something so badly I didn't care. Guy #2 is somebody truly special, I know that we will be friends for a long time, but our "closeness" will soon be gone. In the end I wanted #2 to be there for me when #1 left this summer, but in the end I will loose both, and I completely deserve it.
Fandango Posted April 12, 2004 Posted April 12, 2004 Geeze, don't be so hard on yourself. Did you have fun? Yes well, then worry pas. #2 is a big boy and has free will, not like you had a spell over him. And don't worry about being lonely, there are plenty of fish in the proverbial sea. They always seem to come alone when you least expect it.
Arabess Posted April 12, 2004 Posted April 12, 2004 I think you should release both of these guys from your heart. Then go out and find real love with someone who will belong only to you.
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