VoraciousTermite Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Hi, I posted my story a while ago and I took your advice and ended the relationship. A little back story... My ex and I had been together for 2.5 years. We studied abroad together, did everything together. Everyone (including us) thought we were the perfect couple and planned to get married after graduation. A month before we broke up, she began hanging out with another guy. Also, she said that she had been having doubts all along and wasn't sure if she was completely happy in the relationship. She told me that she was happier with him than with me. It was emotional cheating, not sexual cheating. We broke up because she said she was just prolonging the inevitable and I didn't want to keep being in this state of limbo anymore. A few days ago, I got an email from her asking to get together to talk. We would both be leaving the University and wouldn't have a chance to talk in person ever again. Since I do still care for her, I decided to hear her out. I met with her yesterday, and she said that she realizes that she made a mistake. She apologized profusely for what she did. She told me that the things I pointed out about the guy were actually true and that she just overlooked them. She doesn't want to be with him at all, and that she misses me more than anything. I told her I need more time to figure out what I really want to do. Throughout this time, I talked with a lot of people. I haven't been mad at her at all - it was nearly completely directed at this other guy for being so pushy. I sort of accepted that there are better people out there for me and was on the road to recovery. At the same time, there was always a piece of me hoping that we would get back together. I still care for her deeply. Would it be a mistake to get back together? Should I trust her when she says this would never happen again?
rayne05us Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 It depends on if you want to or not. Do you still feel the same way? Are you able to let the past go? If so, then take it very slow. It will probably be weird at first, but remember you kinda have to keep your feelings in check. Start with texting/talking, then dating, then build it slowly from there...Don't rush in an expect to get what you had, you kind of have to make a new future....Good luck!! Let us know what you decide ))
Author VoraciousTermite Posted May 13, 2011 Author Posted May 13, 2011 I think I'm conflicted between my brain and my heart. Cliche I know...but that's what's going on. I still feel like I love and care for her. At the same time, my brain is telling me that I don't want to be involved with someone who hurt me so badly. It's sort of the idea of once a cheater, always a cheater. I do think I can forgive her and put the past behind us. I still want to take a few weeks to sort things out for myself though.
JasonRules Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 And how do you know that in 1, 2, 5, or 10 years she won't meet another guy, think the same, and leave you again?
Flgirl44 Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Just make sure that if you do decide to get back together you aren't going to hold this against her. If you think you will, then I would say (from experience) to stay away until it isn't an issue for you. Even if that means staying broken up for 3 more months, "dating" her and seeing how it goes, or dating other people for awhile. Just make sure you are truly comfortable with what is going on, and not making decisions out of fear.
rayne05us Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 If you're not 100% sure don't get back to together until you are. And don't have any contact until you've thought it throught. You're in a vulnerable state right now and you speaking could possibly make you make a bad decision. Take your time with this and really think it through.
dng Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 I met with her yesterday, and she said that she realizes that she made a mistake. She apologized profusely for what she did. She told me that the things I pointed out about the guy were actually true and that she just overlooked them. She doesn't want to be with him at all, and that she misses me more than anything. I told her I need more time to figure out what I really want to do. What probably happened is that the new guy got fed up with her and she is freaking out and running back to you. His interest in her will pick up again when she becomes unavailable and he's always going to be in the picture. I'm sorry to say, I'm sure that's not what you want to hear, but you are going to get burned if you give her a chance to burn you. My advice is to tell her that its too late and its over, and then run as fast as you can in the other direction.
JasonRules Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 I'm of the same opinion as dng. If a woman leaves you for another man, then comes running back you're nothing more than a safety net and an option, not a priority. Me personally, I would never take a woman back if she left me to be or try it out with another guy. I would not be able to trust her that she won't do this in the future.
Xyrodon Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 People can't change. When they take a course of action they will stick with it (why else would they do it?). Statistically speaking, if a woman cheated on you once before, she'll do it again. This is just how it is. Question is not whether you should stay with her, but can you accept that?
SilverRain Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 Hi guys! I'm a long time lurker but first time poster. I'm sorry that she hurt you and I can tell you're worried and have reason to be; it sounds like a bad situation. However, it's hard to say what the best decision is without knowing her side of the story. Has she explained why she did what she did? Is she the type to be a habitual cheater or is this an isolated incident? Do you know why she was interested in this guy in the first place? I'm not trying to say that it is your fault because I don't know details about your situation. But these are questions that you should definitely think about. My sister is in a similar situation; she has been in a relationship for several years and she really loves him. He is a really nice guy but she also felt he loved her but acted emotionally distant. She met someone else who she developed feelings for who showed her the attention she craved. This confused her but she stayed faithful to her boyfriend, but she felt resentful because she felt that there were issues that were never fully addressed. There have been problems, and she is trying to figure this out, but is having a hard time. Because of this, I have been able to see things from the other side of the coin. I don't mean to imply that this is your situation, but I think that these are thoughts worth exploring. I don't know her story either, so she can be a total b*tch for all I know but she could just as easily be someone worth fighting for; I don't know. It seems that you are hurt and have reason to be, but it is essential to weigh the situation from all sides. We can give you advice, but in the end, it is ultimately your decision to make since I assume you have all the pieces to the story. I hope all goes well for you and good luck in your decision!
Woggle Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 So she is having problems with him and wants to use you as a backup? This is basically what it is and I would not just a word she says.
Author VoraciousTermite Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 I think some more information is needed. She is absolutely not the type to cheat. She is the sweetest, most caring individual I have ever met. She isn't flirty or going to bars/clubs all weekend or anything like that. She is a "good Christian girl" - if that means anything. She is the absolute last person I would ever expect to cheat. I really think she was under a lot of stress - both from school and the doubts in our relationship. This guy came along and confused the heck out of her. The fact he was so pushy and flirty didn't help the problem. Do you think I am making excuses for her? I don't feel like I am. Should I trust her? It wasn't that things didn't work out between them. Her feelings of regret made her realize the things that she didn't like about him (the things I had been telling her all along). She told the other guy that they should just be friends. She has no interest in being with him. She hates the fact that he went after her while in a relationship and thinks he is just a little too "out there". This guy is the complete opposite of me: "out there", extroverted, crazy, talkative, etc. After we broke up, she realized what she missed about me and came back to me. There are things we are both worried about if we were to get back together. For me, the whole cheating thing really bothers me. I think I could get past this though since she really is not the cheating type. Other personality traits also bother me. I also know that she is not on the same intellectual level as I am. She is also not as driven or independent. For her, she worries about the connection between us. She and I both think it stems from the fact that I am not the most talkative person and sometimes I am slightly dominant in the relationship. I am willing to work to fix both of these things. Despite these differences, we get along amazingly well. When we're together, there is this general calm and relaxation. It just feels right and natural. Our plan is to take a month or two and figure things out. We'll be on a limited contact plan of sorts.
samspade Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 This sounds pretty simple to me. 1. Girl's interest in you drops, she meets another guy, breaks up with you. But not before "emotional" (and possible sexual) cheating. 2. You eventually begin moving on. 3. Girl's branch-swing fling shrivels up. She wonders why you haven't been begging her to come back. She's feeling high and dry. 4. Girl contacts you about possible reunion. She misses you. More importantly, she's alone. To top it off, you're both just out of college. Move on, man. You have plenty of women ahead of you. I think this relationship is over and done. You get back together with her, it will be a few more weeks of bliss before she sets her sights on someone else. Nobody likes summer reruns. Be happy for the time and the clean break and move on.
Woggle Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 This sounds pretty simple to me. 1. Girl's interest in you drops, she meets another guy, breaks up with you. But not before "emotional" (and possible sexual) cheating. 2. You eventually begin moving on. 3. Girl's branch-swing fling shrivels up. She wonders why you haven't been begging her to come back. She's feeling high and dry. 4. Girl contacts you about possible reunion. She misses you. More importantly, she's alone. To top it off, you're both just out of college. Move on, man. You have plenty of women ahead of you. I think this relationship is over and done. You get back together with her, it will be a few more weeks of bliss before she sets her sights on someone else. Nobody likes summer reruns. Be happy for the time and the clean break and move on. You said everything that needs to be said. If he takes her back it will happen again.
samspade Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 It wasn't that things didn't work out between them. Her feelings of regret made her realize the things that she didn't like about him (the things I had been telling her all along). She told the other guy that they should just be friends. She has no interest in being with him. She hates the fact that he went after her while in a relationship and thinks he is just a little too "out there". This guy is the complete opposite of me: "out there", extroverted, crazy, talkative, etc. After we broke up, she realized what she missed about me and came back to me. I'd lay dollars to donuts that he used her while he could and dumped her - which is why she's crawling back to you. You don't have to be upset or try to figure out if she is the "cheating type" or not. What happened is she lost interest sufficiently to break up with you and be with another guy. That alone should seal it for you. If you had a stock that plummeted from $100 to $20 a share, and you sold it at $20 to dump it before it got any worse, would you buy it back at $50?
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