ThisisCrazy Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 This is disheartening, it really is, You've been married for 15 years? What kind of relationship could you have possibly had that made an affair worth it? Did you hear from this HS Sweetheart before and not engaged in an affair and now decided to do so? So how have you been acting towards your H now that you decided to break it off with the OM? How did you keep this hidden? Do you work or are you a stay at home mom? If you are, were your kids there when this OM came over? How on Earth do you plan to make this work? You said in another post you have been too weak before, is this the 2nd time you have done something like this? The third time? I think you need to examine these questions for yourself and decide what is wrong with you. You said you were in counciling. What are you in counciling for? Has your H been to counceling with you? Your H deserves better, he really does.
Mr.Raindrop Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 I'm afraid if I tell hubby he will leave me. He certainly would have every right to do so. I never will understand how people can just throw away something like their family and fifteen years of marriage, all for something that isn't going to last. If you were willing to cheat on your husband, you are just going to cheat on your HS sweetheart eventually as well. Like a previous poster said, do you like what you've become?
Author newoman Posted May 14, 2011 Author Posted May 14, 2011 I do not like what I've become, I don't even think what I've become is any ounce of human. I let myself become some goddess om worshiped because of the lack of affection and attention I was getting at home. I let om talk me into things after I told him no. He spoke his magical words to make me feel wonderful and special and then he'd lead me down the dark path, always telling me he had MY best interest in mind. There are many problem in my marriage. My husband HATES to kiss. He doesn't touch me, he says NO every time I want some intimacy, we've had fight after fight over that and I end up the bad guy because I have a one-track mind. When he wants it (once every 6-8 weeks) He touches my genitals with only his genitals and it last for a minute. (theses are the first problems that come to mind.) I'm not condoning my actions, I married him for better or worse. I made babies with him. I have a life with him. I live a very sheltered life, with only a few people in my circle of family and friends. I haven't shared what has been going on in my marriage with anyone, which is part of my destruction. I somehow felt safe with om and poured my heart out to him. (MISTAKE!) I should have been pouring my heart out to a good friend if H wasn't listening. All the long years of keeping everything inside flooded all out at once and I couldn't control it. I would try to talk to H, every time was a bad time. I'd do every thing to facilitate us talking, working things out. He'd walk away, leave, tell me it was in my head, find any excuse to not communicate. I'd tried everything to facilitate intimacy with him, too. One night, I made a "coffee date" and showed up where I knew I was going to get the tenderness, closeness, affection I was needing. (Again, not condoning it was right or good.) As for choosing right or wrong... I turned off my moral detector and lived in the moment. It felt good, really good. I had never felt that way. It was new, exciting, amazing, wonderful. So, I guess I did choose the feeling over everything. Even my beautiful, precious babies. :'( So very sick and twisted. :'( :'( :'( :'( I hate myself. I hate what I've become. I hate what I've done to my family, especially my children. I hate it all. I want my life back. The one where I felt good about myself. The one where I praised my man, even with all his flaws and everything. The one where all I ever could talk about was my children.
jnj express Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Let me ask you this---and I do not doubt you are telling me the truth---SO WHY STAY IN A MGE, AS YOU ARE DESCRIBING--- And please don't throw the kids in the mix----If you really, actually tried, and your H., is worthless, as a partner---WHY STAY
Bryanp Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Hello, I think you really get it and it is good to see your introspection. Maybe by telling and confessing to your husband this will be the wake-up call for you and your husband to engage in a new marriage and both seek counseling. From what you have written your marriage will have to change dramatically. I wish you luck.
jnj express Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 SORRY--GOT CUT OFF---IS IT THAT YOU ARE AFRAID TO FACE THE REAL WORLD ON YOUR OWN If your mge., is so bad, then you need to D., and leave Or do you prefer the misery you are living in day after day---where you now have to turn to other men, to satisfy your needs---which is also very wrong You are making all the wrong choices---If the mge., is not good---get out Once you leave, you will feel good about yourself---and you will move on---children will be better off also If you are gonna D, then just use your A., as an exit A., tell your H., what you have done, and why---and move on with your life!!!!!!
Fugu Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 I do not like what I've become, I don't even think what I've become is any ounce of human. I let myself become some goddess om worshiped because of the lack of affection and attention I was getting at home. I let om talk me into things after I told him no. He spoke his magical words to make me feel wonderful and special and then he'd lead me down the dark path, always telling me he had MY best interest in mind. There are many problem in my marriage. My husband HATES to kiss. He doesn't touch me, he says NO every time I want some intimacy, we've had fight after fight over that and I end up the bad guy because I have a one-track mind. When he wants it (once every 6-8 weeks) He touches my genitals with only his genitals and it last for a minute. (theses are the first problems that come to mind.) I'm not condoning my actions, I married him for better or worse. I made babies with him. I have a life with him. I live a very sheltered life, with only a few people in my circle of family and friends. I haven't shared what has been going on in my marriage with anyone, which is part of my destruction. I somehow felt safe with om and poured my heart out to him. (MISTAKE!) I should have been pouring my heart out to a good friend if H wasn't listening. All the long years of keeping everything inside flooded all out at once and I couldn't control it. I would try to talk to H, every time was a bad time. I'd do every thing to facilitate us talking, working things out. He'd walk away, leave, tell me it was in my head, find any excuse to not communicate. I'd tried everything to facilitate intimacy with him, too. One night, I made a "coffee date" and showed up where I knew I was going to get the tenderness, closeness, affection I was needing. (Again, not condoning it was right or good.) As for choosing right or wrong... I turned off my moral detector and lived in the moment. It felt good, really good. I had never felt that way. It was new, exciting, amazing, wonderful. So, I guess I did choose the feeling over everything. Even my beautiful, precious babies. :'( So very sick and twisted. :'( :'( :'( :'( I hate myself. I hate what I've become. I hate what I've done to my family, especially my children. I hate it all. I want my life back. The one where I felt good about myself. The one where I praised my man, even with all his flaws and everything. The one where all I ever could talk about was my children. My thoughts are based on the facts as you've presented them, and there are always two sides of a story, so take this for what it's worth. However, I don't think you're a villain. I think you have had legitimate concerns and you feel like they haven't been addressed. You want intimacy and you feel like you aren't getting it, so I think it's actually somewhat natural to act on those feelings of impulses when someone signals that they're willing to give you the attention you want. That's how affairs get started. Nevertheless, I do agree with everyone else here that it's not a good path to travel on, and you're wise to go back the way you came. As for whether to tell him, I somewhat disagree with others. It's not that you shouldn't tell your husband, and I'm not saying that you absolutely shouldn't. However, you should understand the potential consequences of telling him, and you should only tell him when you're ready to confront those consequences. Some will say that if you don't tell him that you'll be exposed later -- and they may be right. But the way I see it, you'll be exposed if you tell him, so you'll be exposed either way. There is one huge potential benefit of telling your husband the truth, though, and that is, you can finally get everything out there on the table. All of the crap that you're dealing with, you can finally let it all air out. And maybe the fact that you've now had an emotional connection can get his attention in a way that you couldn't before. Maybe it leads to some counseling. Then again, maybe it won't. You have to weigh the potential consequences and act accordingly only when you feel you are seriously ready to deal with them.
Author newoman Posted May 14, 2011 Author Posted May 14, 2011 I am only ready to conquer one mountain at a time. The mountain I'm choosing to conquer right now is to end the A and get back to the priorities in my life, my family. Once I'm out of the fog of the A, I believe I can make better, healthier decisions about my marriage. I'm not gonna throw everything out at once! I think there's a reason my marriage was good for 14 years and maybe it was the OM that helped stir the pot. I need to get out of the A and back to realizing the things my husband does for me and not have them overshadowed by OM. This is what I feel is right for me.
Fugu Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 I am only ready to conquer one mountain at a time. The mountain I'm choosing to conquer right now is to end the A and get back to the priorities in my life, my family. Once I'm out of the fog of the A, I believe I can make better, healthier decisions about my marriage. I'm not gonna throw everything out at once! I think there's a reason my marriage was good for 14 years and maybe it was the OM that helped stir the pot. I need to get out of the A and back to realizing the things my husband does for me and not have them overshadowed by OM. This is what I feel is right for me. I agree that you need to end the affair, and I agree that it's good to appreciate the things that your husband does for you. At the same time, I think it's also okay to acknowledge that you're a live one and that you have individual needs of your own. If you've tried to have those needs met and yet your husband seems to be dismissive of that, then I think he's fit for some criticism too. Marriage is complicated. You're always a couple together, and yet you're always two individuals, with individual outlooks. I believe in honoring vows and integrity and all that, but I also think that there's a lot that comes with that. It's not just whether one person strays or doesn't stray to another partner in a marriage; it's whether both partners make an effort to be good partners and to give each other what they need as individuals. And if that doesn't happen, then another big issue is how two individuals decide to solve their problems. From where I sit, I think your husband can perhaps be criticized on the former grounds, and perhaps you can be criticized on the latter. I do like your approach. Take it one step at a time. Stop the affair, once and forever. And then move on and decide how you're going to repair this. I don't know if I agree that it's good to just pretend like you're satisfied though. If you're not, you're not. The key, though, is how to deal with it, and there are no easy answers. Perhaps while your kids are around, maybe it's best to just quietly take one for the team. Suck it up. I really don't know. As I said...no easy answers.
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Mr.Raindrop Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 As for whether to tell him, I somewhat disagree with others. It's not that you shouldn't tell your husband, and I'm not saying that you absolutely shouldn't. However, you should understand the potential consequences of telling him, and you should only tell him when you're ready to confront those consequences. It's pivotal that she tells him the truth as soon as possible. He WILL find out sooner or later, the truth always gets revealed. She would have a much better chance just coming clean to him, then waiting for him to find out on his own; that would just make him even more pissed off and likely to divorce her.
TMCM Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 I won't regurgitate the good advise you've been given so far, I only want to add that you should get tested immediately for STD (sexually transmitted diseases). If you have one and you infect your husband the issue of confessing your affair to him will become a moot point.
Author newoman Posted May 15, 2011 Author Posted May 15, 2011 I won't regurgitate the good advise you've been given so far, I only want to add that you should get tested immediately for STD (sexually transmitted diseases). If you have one and you infect your husband the issue of confessing your affair to him will become a moot point. I've been tested. Thank you.
John Michael Kane Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Look it doesn't matter what type of problems were going on. If the marriage was so bad then you obviously should've divorced him and found someone else, not engaging in deceit and saying it is a good thing when you know it is not. Seriously you need to stop fooling around and tell him. The longer you wait the more damaging. If you are afraid he will leave you (and rightfully so) you're just going to have to accept it. Continuing to withhold that decision making process from him to save your own butt is wrong and you know it.
What_Next Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Until you confess your actions then there is no marriage, period. It is being conducted under lies and deception. I can read the emotion in your posts and there is little doubt you seem to be in real distress and you even appear to have limited remorse. End any and all contact with the OM and even give yourself some time to heal from it, but for heavens sakes tell your husband. Release this guilt and give him the oppurtunity to properly heal himself.
ladydesigner Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Hi newoman:bunny: Hope you are doing okay today. Just take it day by day. You did the right thing by cutting the A off with the OM. Get yourself a counselor hun. It helps tremendously. Hope you have decided to go No Contact too. Each day will get better. Just focus on your M and most importantly your kids.
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