Far&Away Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 I am on a visit with my fiance, am here for one month. I have posted previously about our relationship, and found that he started trying to make an effort more and more with the flirting and so forth. So I decided to come and stay with him. The first two days here, he was really flirty and excited, then it slowed down. Now he hugs me a little and kisses me, sometimes just pecks on the mouth. I initiate some kissing etc, but I really want to feel like hes excited that I'm here and can't keep his hands off me (at least some of the time). I also want him to really notice me and how I look. I put an effort into looking nice for him, I kind of wonder why I bother if he rarely says anything. It makes me feel really sad. I just don't know if he's the kind of guy who says he wants something badly and wants a particular type of woman, but when he gets it can't appreciate it, or just wants it but doesn't want to have to put the effort in. I am a caring loving person, who will do just about anything for the person I love. I am sexual and giving, I try and look good and smell good. I don't feel like I mention about unimportant little things ever, I don't yell and I don't nag over things, I only express it when my feelings are hurt about something I see as reasonable. He has done a lot of nice things in preparation for my stay and spent money getting things ready and buying things we would need. That is what I try and remember when I think about the following.: I have been hurt and told him several times that I am upset that he didn't do anything for my birthday. He claims he did want to do something, he just didn't know what I'd like, and he said he would do something, yet has done nothing. I take this as a huge red flag, I'm NOT trying to be greedy or materialistic, but I think that if the person who claims they love can't even put a special effort in for your birthday that they probably really don't. : ( I just want to relax and feel completely loved and cherished. I feel like such a fool all the time.
Delilah5 Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 :cool::pFirst of all, I'm confused. Did you meet this man on an international dating site? How long have you known him? And mostly, what is it that you do, besides looking and smelling good? It seems to me that this guy put himself out to get you where he is. What is it that want him to do exactly? You say that you don't nag or complain. Is it because you're doing the things you should be doing for him? You know, like COOKING<CLEANING<LAUNDRY. It sounds like you're an attention hound and you are going to run this guy off. A relationship takes two people. Not just him. If he's not paying enough attention to you, shouldn't you be figuring out why? With love, you can never really relax. Relationships take work. Stop being so self-centered and try doing something for him besides looking and smelling good. Here's the bridge-get over it.
daisy love Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 Maybe he just doesn't express himself well?? I've dated guys that were insecure and didn't accept compliments well so they didn't give them either.
sugarmomma Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 He didn't do anything to celebrate your birthday? On that alone I would dump his ass. This is just a preview of the coming attraction. Get out now and pay no attention to the first post. You are not his wife and shouldn't be cooking, cleaning etc for him.
Happy_Feet Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Goodness F & A, I think we might be dating the same guy ! I can totally relate, as in the first few days or so we're together he'll be all over me, but then he calms down a little. Whereas, given that we only spend one week in eight together, I think we should make the most of it! Don't really know what to suggest, it sounds like you have done all the right things- talking to him, letting him know how you feel and he does seem to have made an effort with the flirting etc. Also, try to remember all the nice things he has done to bring you out- I guess thats his way of showing that he cares? They do say actions speak louder than words. Ouch on the bday though- cant understand why he would do that? I kind of have a big one coming up this week and am getting the distinct impression he will just let it go by. Like you, I dont need or want expensive things, a homemade card and a back-rub, if it was from him would make me over the moon. And I was home last week, so he could have easily made a fuss of me then. Men, eh? Let us know how it goes!
Author Far&Away Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 :cool::pFirst of all, I'm confused. Did you meet this man on an international dating site? How long have you known him? And mostly, what is it that you do, besides looking and smelling good? It seems to me that this guy put himself out to get you where he is. What is it that want him to do exactly? You say that you don't nag or complain. Is it because you're doing the things you should be doing for him? You know, like COOKING<CLEANING<LAUNDRY. It sounds like you're an attention hound and you are going to run this guy off. A relationship takes two people. Not just him. If he's not paying enough attention to you, shouldn't you be figuring out why? With love, you can never really relax. Relationships take work. Stop being so self-centered and try doing something for him besides looking and smelling good. Here's the bridge-get over it. Yeah I'm well aware relationships take work, my point was I'm putting the effort in. I have a job and I study. I also while here have been cleaning washing etc, so I don't really know where those assumptions came from. I also never turn him down when he is affectionate with me. I do plenty of nice things for him and do believe relationships should be reciprocal. I am in no way selfish. The last few days have been a whole lot better. he bought me a belated birthday gift, and it was a very nice one and has been flirty and loving. Maybe he was afraid I wouldn't like what he bought me. But i just wanted him to make an effort. He has been really good to me, and has taken me to do lots of fun/ nice things.
creighton0123 Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 He reads not as a careless person, but as someone who is pretty mellow and doesn't fuss over or see things in a hyper-romantic way. He is really good to you. You have not only a lover, but a good friend whom you can have fun with. I would say that you should focus more on who he is and appreciate/love him for both his perks and his flaws rather than on who you want him to be. AKA... you should examine him and see if he is paying attention to you in a way befitting his personality rather than paying attention to you in a way you believe he should be. Boyfriends aren't cookie cutter (made to fit). In all relationships, it's always two individuals together with both the good things and the bad things.
Author Far&Away Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 He reads not as a careless person, but as someone who is pretty mellow and doesn't fuss over or see things in a hyper-romantic way. He is really good to you. You have not only a lover, but a good friend whom you can have fun with. I would say that you should focus more on who he is and appreciate/love him for both his perks and his flaws rather than on who you want him to be. AKA... you should examine him and see if he is paying attention to you in a way befitting his personality rather than paying attention to you in a way you believe he should be. Boyfriends aren't cookie cutter (made to fit). In all relationships, it's always two individuals together with both the good things and the bad things. Thank you, I appreciate your advice. He has been much better, I think my real issue lies from my first post that he changed dramatically before and I am worried about what is true and what is not. I want to believe he is who i fell in love with, because that's the guy i want to be with. I don't expect him to be be buying me gifts every day, but if he is not at all thoughtful or romantic or flity then I know he's not the guy for me.
creighton0123 Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Then you know what you want and require in a relationship. There are guys who are attentive in their own ways, but not necessarily attentive enough to be buying gifts, being romantic or flirty, etc. You need to figure out if that is something you want with a potential partner, find that person, and be content and happy :-) For instance, I require someone who is as sexual as I am. I've dated some who are less. I require someone who is as relaxed as I am. I've dated some who are very high strung. It inevitably made me very unhappy, causing me to end the relationship. I believe this example is universal. If there are some things that you respond to in a romantic relationship really well and those traits are missing in your partner, won't you inevitably be unhappy to the point where you are no longer as interested as you were? Don't mistake this with the fading away of the "honeymoon phase" as well.
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