I just don't understand why he doesn't want me

[MyHeartHurtsOuch]

I had a horrible dream again last night. I try so hard not to think of him with women but there i was again having a dream that I see him in his car and there's a girl with him and he's all affectionate with her.

 

I'm so miserable without him. Our place is so lonely without him and his things.

 

I just dont get it. I picture him right now probably at home preparing for work, texting girls, like why does my absence not matter to him?

 

Why doesn't he miss me??

 

I don't understand he still seems to be confused about what he wants....yet not confused about not wanting to be with me....

 

last contact was on sunday (as a reminder)

 

where i asked him to please come home or to at least be ready to give us a second chance

and 2 hrs later he replied and said "I got your text. i am thinking of how, when, or if replying is really the right thing to do"

 

what does that mean?

 

I mean when he wanted us to date...he had said he wants us to start fresh and date and what I said was that i could totally agree to that but only if its just me...not him dating anyone else and he couldn't agree to that. he said that to him would mean that we are exclusive again and that he wasn't ready for that. i told him that we could go slow and he said he doesn't even think i am able to go slow. that i just want him to move back in right away and that he doesnt think thats a good idea.

 

so then i printed out articles and things from this forum that said you cant be friends or date your ex while they date others. and he understood that that would just hurt me. and so he agreed to not ever contact me. then (not with telling me) my friend ended up calling him and basically very firmly telling him to never contact me again and to just disappear out of my life.

 

So those are the reasons why he said he doesn't know IF replying is the right thing to do....because he doesnt want to contact me.

 

But i dont get it. I mean this doesnt seem like he will ever come back, he will never regret any of this, and he's just moved on and thats that.

 

i cant believe he doesnt text me and i mean i know that hes making sure he doesnt but still. i would think that if he really wanted to....like if he regretted anything or was considering giving us a second chance he would text me.

 

i have no hope huh? this just is what it is

 

 

it's been a month since he got his apt. and he did it up all nicely. i'm sure he loves it. and he invited me over a few times back then and i was very uncomfortable there. so theres no memory of me there whatsoever

 

and then its been 2 and a half weeks that we dont contact each other and havent seen eachother.

 

to me thats a long time. i feel so sad but for him it seems to be like nothing. like 2 and a half weeks is nothing...he's just as confused as he was when we first broke up at the end of feb.

 

he's not figured anything out except that he's enjoying his new apt, his freedom, and i dont matter in his life

 

i feel like contacting him and asking him to lunch. i want to see him. i feel like if he were to see me and i were to see him we would spark something up. but i wont do it. i wont. cause i know that theres a huge posibility that he wont even agree to see me. he may say its not a good idea...and then if he were to agree to it...maybe i would still be too emotional. i am too activated and when we say bye i would probably cry.

 

what can i do?

[wat]

Hey

 

Listen everyone knows this is hard for you and you are going through a terrible time. Everyone on this board is here for you and wants what is best for you. So what I am going to say next sounds nasty of me but I'm just saying it because its the best thing to do....

 

He isn't confused.....he is gone. He has moved on. If he loved you he would be with you. He isn't telling you this out right because he dosnt want to be nasty.

 

You have to stop all this now and learn to accept it. The more you try and think of ways to get him back, the longer and harder your recovery is going to be. I think you should get help. I really, honestly mean it because you need support and break ups are tough.

 

You are obviously a great person and you will find love and be happy again. But chasing this guy is just stopping that from happening.

[Gisele]

Under no circumstances do you contact him. You have to just keep reminding yourself that THE MORE YOU CONTACT HIM, THE MORE YOU'LL PUSH HIM AWAY.

 

I know how hard it is. I have to see my ex and his new gf every day.

 

But people keep saying it: you're not focusing on YOURSELF

 

This guy doesn't know where his head is at, but you're still putting him on a pedestal. You were right not to agree to become just another girl he's dating.

 

You seriously have to ensure you make no further contact with him. NO TALKING TO HIS FRIENDS. No talking to his mother unless she initiates. No accidental run-ins.

 

Dont just focus on yourself, SPOIL yourself, people should look after themselves more during horrible times, not just neglect to treat themselves and fixate on others.

 

You were happy before him, and you'll be happy again.

 

I understand completely how you're feeling. i still get really rough days of 'why doesn't he want me?'. But at the end of the day, you're just talking to yourself. Accept that you're not going to get answers: not a lot of us do

[MyHeartHurtsOuch]

Hey

 

Listen everyone knows this is hard for you and you are going through a terrible time. Everyone on this board is here for you and wants what is best for you. So what I am going to say next sounds nasty of me but I'm just saying it because its the best thing to do....

 

He isn't confused.....he is gone. He has moved on. If he loved you he would be with you. He isn't telling you this out right because he dosnt want to be nasty.

 

You have to stop all this now and learn to accept it. The more you try and think of ways to get him back, the longer and harder your recovery is going to be. I think you should get help. I really, honestly mean it because you need support and break ups are tough.

 

You are obviously a great person and you will find love and be happy again. But chasing this guy is just stopping that from happening.

 

 

 

so you think he will never come back?

[Sassygirl2]

No he isn't coming back. You have to accept it. I am in the same boat and it hasn't been a month yet. The last 2 days I have had to tell myself repeatedly that it's over. It's done. I will never really know why, but I have to take care of myself because if I don't, I will fall apart and lose everything. You need to take a deep breath and not give him any more power over you.

 

It is not the end of the world. People pick themselves up from terrible tragedies (many more things are far worse than what we've been through) and they are stronger for it. I wish I had a magic wand that would make all of the hurt go away but I don't.

 

I am reading 2 really good books that are helping me with my irrational thinking. It's CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy which you already know about).

 

The books are "The Feeling Good Handbook" and "10 Days to Self Esteem". Both by David Burns. I suggest you go get them today and start doing the exercises. I am not kidding - these books are REALLY helping me and I know they can help you.

 

You are going to be OK. Hugs.

[kaycstamper]

Wow I agree so much with what has been said to you. Let him go, try to think about something else, spend time with your friends, get your mind off of him. He's not worth your breath!

[wat]

so you think he will never come back?

 

The only person that knows that is him. But I think there has to be a point where you accept the situation for what it is. He has his own apartment, he never contacts you, he dosnt make the effort to make things right with you. These are not the actions of somebody that loves you.

 

The thing is, no matter what you say to him at this point, nothing is going to bring him back at the moment. Nothing. He knows he can have you whenever he wants and that's the problem. Once you remove yourself from his life and stop contacting him, only then will you be in with any kind of chance of him coming back. But even then your chances are slim because you have done so much damage with all the texts already. And I'm guessin you will probably text him again tonight.

 

I'm only telling you this because I have been in your position. If you don't text him for a day or two you feel like he is going to forget about you, right? Well that's not true. You could not text him for ten years and he is not going to forget about you. Infact, the less you contact him, the better chance of him starting to think nice things about you again.

 

When I first split up with my ex, she didn't talk to me for a month. I thought she had forgotten about me and that life must of been great for her. But when I did finally get her to talk to me I found out she had been missing me like hell. So my point is don't try and guess what he is doing or how good/bad his life is. Focus on your own life and if he wants to be with you, he will find a way of letting you know.

[rayne05us]

You have to focus you from now on. You were perfectly happy BEFORE this guy even came into your life (right?) and now you have a great opportunity to make your life the way you want it. And when you're ready someone amazing will come along who will treat you how you deserved to be treated!! Best of luck!!!

[otherfish]

I sure wish YOU were my ex.

[Gisele]

I sure wish YOU were my ex.

 

i don't understand what you're saying to her here. Explain?

[MyHeartHurtsOuch]

No he isn't coming back. You have to accept it. I am in the same boat and it hasn't been a month yet. The last 2 days I have had to tell myself repeatedly that it's over. It's done. I will never really know why, but I have to take care of myself because if I don't, I will fall apart and lose everything. You need to take a deep breath and not give him any more power over you.

 

It is not the end of the world. People pick themselves up from terrible tragedies (many more things are far worse than what we've been through) and they are stronger for it. I wish I had a magic wand that would make all of the hurt go away but I don't.

 

I am reading 2 really good books that are helping me with my irrational thinking. It's CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy which you already know about).

 

The books are "The Feeling Good Handbook" and "10 Days to Self Esteem". Both by David Burns. I suggest you go get them today and start doing the exercises. I am not kidding - these books are REALLY helping me and I know they can help you.

 

You are going to be OK. Hugs.

 

 

I ordered the books. I'm so sad.

[MyHeartHurtsOuch]

The only person that knows that is him. But I think there has to be a point where you accept the situation for what it is. He has his own apartment, he never contacts you, he dosnt make the effort to make things right with you. These are not the actions of somebody that loves you.

 

The thing is, no matter what you say to him at this point, nothing is going to bring him back at the moment. Nothing. He knows he can have you whenever he wants and that's the problem. Once you remove yourself from his life and stop contacting him, only then will you be in with any kind of chance of him coming back. But even then your chances are slim because you have done so much damage with all the texts already. And I'm guessin you will probably text him again tonight.

 

I'm only telling you this because I have been in your position. If you don't text him for a day or two you feel like he is going to forget about you, right? Well that's not true. You could not text him for ten years and he is not going to forget about you. Infact, the less you contact him, the better chance of him starting to think nice things about you again.

 

When I first split up with my ex, she didn't talk to me for a month. I thought she had forgotten about me and that life must of been great for her. But when I did finally get her to talk to me I found out she had been missing me like hell. So my point is don't try and guess what he is doing or how good/bad his life is. Focus on your own life and if he wants to be with you, he will find a way of letting you know.

 

he does know that he can have me at any time because of the text I sent on Sunday. I have not texted since then. So in about 18 days I texted once. So no I don't text him every night. That's what I am saying. I dont even contact him and he's like whatever has no problem with it. I think he's happy now that I am not texting cause then he feels no guilt.

[MyHeartHurtsOuch]

You have to focus you from now on. You were perfectly happy BEFORE this guy even came into your life (right?) and now you have a great opportunity to make your life the way you want it. And when you're ready someone amazing will come along who will treat you how you deserved to be treated!! Best of luck!!!

 

 

Actually i wasn't very happy before him. he made me happy.

[MyHeartHurtsOuch]

Under no circumstances do you contact him. You have to just keep reminding yourself that THE MORE YOU CONTACT HIM, THE MORE YOU'LL PUSH HIM AWAY.

 

I know how hard it is. I have to see my ex and his new gf every day.

 

But people keep saying it: you're not focusing on YOURSELF

 

This guy doesn't know where his head is at, but you're still putting him on a pedestal. You were right not to agree to become just another girl he's dating.

 

You seriously have to ensure you make no further contact with him. NO TALKING TO HIS FRIENDS. No talking to his mother unless she initiates. No accidental run-ins.

 

Dont just focus on yourself, SPOIL yourself, people should look after themselves more during horrible times, not just neglect to treat themselves and fixate on others.

 

You were happy before him, and you'll be happy again.

 

I understand completely how you're feeling. i still get really rough days of 'why doesn't he want me?'. But at the end of the day, you're just talking to yourself. Accept that you're not going to get answers: not a lot of us do

 

 

I just dont get what he's waiting for.

[wat]

I ordered the books. I'm so sad.

 

Ahh you make me feel bad now! Listen, everyone just wants what is best for you that's all. We want to see a post when you have recovered saying how happy you are

 

We are just trying to help you get to that point as quickly as possible. Its ok to be sad.

[Sassygirl2]

Glad you ordered the books. They WILL help you. Aren't you going on a trip soon?

[MyHeartHurtsOuch]

I'm scared that i messed up by not goign with his dating fresh thing. I mean he kept saying how he's not going to need his pat for a long time andthat he will be back within a few months (3-6) but i think he only meant that IF we were to start dating and reconnect again.

 

 

but now he's dating other women (i assume)

 

and he's not dating me

 

 

should I have said okay lets date and i wont ask questions?? or would that have been stupid

 

I'm just so sad that he's okay without me. I dont understand it

[MyHeartHurtsOuch]

Glad you ordered the books. They WILL help you. Aren't you going on a trip soon?

 

 

Yes I leave at 7am tomorrow and return the following wed night

 

 

before I leave I am getting a shamani healing session.

 

has anyone every done that?

[SlowBlues]

Actually i wasn't very happy before him. he made me happy.

 

Therein lies the heart of your problem. You do not NEED someone to make you happy. You need to make YOURSELF happy. This is what you need to focus on right now. His memory will linger over you and only time will help to push those memories to the back of your mind. But there is no way you are going to be able to get him back into a loving relationship with you if you and not happy with yourself.

 

You need to embrace being alone for a while. Do the things that make you happy. Take on a new hobby, exercise, focus hard on your job. Build up your confidence in yourself and good things will come, whether they be with him or with someone else. Nobody is attracted to someone who is unhappy. Your self-esteem has probably taken a huge blow and that is totally understandable. You need to work now on building it back up so that you can be the best person for yourself. Only then will you be able to get back into a loving relationship.

 

We've all been where you are, unhappy, unconfident, self-esteem shattered, but no other person except yourself can restore these things. You need to accept this and take the right measures to help yourself otherwise you are just going to continue in a vicious cycle of being miserable. As a result a lot of things in your life are going to be affected. There's more to life than relationships...

[MyHeartHurtsOuch]

Therein lies the heart of your problem. You do not NEED someone to make you happy. You need to make YOURSELF happy. This is what you need to focus on right now. His memory will linger over you and only time will help to push those memories to the back of your mind. But there is no way you are going to be able to get him back into a loving relationship with you if you and not happy with yourself.

 

You need to embrace being alone for a while. Do the things that make you happy. Take on a new hobby, exercise, focus hard on your job. Build up your confidence in yourself and good things will come, whether they be with him or with someone else. Nobody is attracted to someone who is unhappy. Your self-esteem has probably taken a huge blow and that is totally understandable. You need to work now on building it back up so that you can be the best person for yourself. Only then will you be able to get back into a loving relationship.

 

We've all been where you are, unhappy, unconfident, self-esteem shattered, but no other person except yourself can restore these things. You need to accept this and take the right measures to help yourself otherwise you are just going to continue in a vicious cycle of being miserable. As a result a lot of things in your life are going to be affected. There's more to life than relationships...

 

 

I dont have low self-esteem...just in regard to him. I still think I am too good for most of these guys out here. I know what I am worth...so what is going on in my head?? It doesnt make sense. Its like i have convinced myself that I need him. Or that he is the one for me and I messed it all up. thats what hurts, and that he used to adore me and now he just up and left. i dont understand it

[SlowBlues]

You don't have to understand it, you just have to accept it for what it is. Giving yourself time will help you to think more clearly about things and you'll gain a greater understanding. Rejection is hard for many people. Once you're thinking more clearly you will feel less need for him, time will tell what happens after that.

[NicoleM]

Sweetie I have been there before ( in fact I still am) I was seeing this guy that pulled me in and then pushed me back out and then finally one day pushed me out totally. I was very,very hurt because I have low,low self-esteem and keep thinking am I that ugly?? Was it something I said? I finally realized as the old saying goes it's not you it's him and it's his loss:cool: You are a great person and there are plenty of fish in the sea. If it makes you feel any better write a letter ( i did) and tell him how rotten he made you feel and how hurt you are. I will say this about writing a letter do not expect a reply but just knowing he read it will make you feel 100 percent better believe me;)

[MyHeartHurtsOuch]

You don't have to understand it, you just have to accept it for what it is. Giving yourself time will help you to think more clearly about things and you'll gain a greater understanding. Rejection is hard for many people. Once you're thinking more clearly you will feel less need for him, time will tell what happens after that.

 

Okay I understand that...any idea how much time? i know thats a dumb question..i just wish i could get my act together already.

 

I'm consumed by this rejection and guilt and fear.

[MyHeartHurtsOuch]

Sweetie I have been there before ( in fact I still am) I was seeing this guy that pulled me in and then pushed me back out and then finally one day pushed me out totally. I was very,very hurt because I have low,low self-esteem and keep thinking am I that ugly?? Was it something I said? I finally realized as the old saying goes it's not you it's him and it's his loss:cool: You are a great person and there are plenty of fish in the sea. If it makes you feel any better write a letter ( i did) and tell him how rotten he made you feel and how hurt you are. I will say this about writing a letter do not expect a reply but just knowing he read it will make you feel 100 percent better believe me;)

 

 

he doesn't make me feel rotten or ugly...this is very different. I feel guilty and shameful and I feel like I deserve a second chance. he and i both messed up but it wasnt enough to walk out on me...okay maybe it was i was too controlling and mean...but why is it that i can forgive him and he cant forgive me? he said it was cause I am stronger than he is...wtf is that

[Leda]

Another book rec: "Attached" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.

 

I loved this book--I wish I'd read it much sooner. I've gotten it out of the library twice now (the excerpts on the internet aren't the parts I found helpful.)