daylightshade Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Hi. Never posted here before, only reading... My situation: Married for 25 years, 2 grown children 23 and 21. I was involved in the Emotional Affair with my old High School girlfriend for 2 years (mostly on Internet, Skype, phone). Wife found out, I tried to stop 2 times. Failed. Finally managed to finish my affair, but my W did not want to wait anymore, said she was hurt badly. Taking antidepressants. Filed for separation 3 months ago. Working on papers now. Our 23 y.o. D lives separately. We also had an argument over our 21 y.o. S who lives with us. We live in the same house so far, but I am away on work assignments most of the time. Being away and separated I realized what a terrible mistake i've made! I love her and want to fix things. I think I have only about 3-4 months left left. Is there any advice on how to behave? We still talk on different subjects, but on Seprartion (she says she made firm decision). We still things around the house together... I've changed a lot. I'm trying not to be engaged in an argument. Do excercises, sports. Lost 12 lbs. in the last 2 months. Any hope? Any advice? Thanks.
PegNosePete Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 If she has made her mind up then you have no choice. You will get divorced. Learn from your mistakes and treat your next partner with more respect.
Author daylightshade Posted May 12, 2011 Author Posted May 12, 2011 Yes, she insisted several times that she made final decision. and she hired an attorney for the Separation agreement... So I guess my chances are slim to none... :-( Though we are still talking and do some things together like yard work and going for a walk... Sometimes she calls me during the day from work. (I stopped calling her first). Could it be the sign of hope? I know I should not push ner or talk to her on Separation and Marriage subjuect, but it is so damn difficult! Yes, i am going to hire an attorney to respond to her lawyer's letter, and i started to see a Counsellor, however he did not tell much new - stuff like I need to move on, stop blaming myself etc...
carhill Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Hi OP, welcome to LS In the past year, how many nights were spent away from home? In the past year, how many nights were spent away from home with your spouse? What caused you to become in contact with your high school girlfriend? Superficially, 'comfortable' is about to become past tense in your life and you want that barcalounger back. This isn't unusual for men. Throw in a little MLC (mid life crisis), which is normal as children become adults and leave, and there's a prime recipe for 'finding oneself' again, often in the arms of an old or new flame. Find a counselor who challenges you to accept responsibility for your words and actions. You'll thank me later. Good luck
carhill Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 If he's a hard nut with a difficult EA, it may take awhile. It took me nearly eight months and about 15 sessions to start to see some meaningful behavioral changes and enlightened understanding of the consequences of my actions. YMMV. My questions are reflective of the style of our psychologist in approaching my choices in the M. He was very good at what he did.
Author daylightshade Posted May 12, 2011 Author Posted May 12, 2011 The situation is worsening with my 21 y.o. S stopped talking to me bacause of that. We did not talk for 3 months now... I am like a stranger in my own house now... All you did good for 25 years have been forgotten... This is all impossible to take. I am on my 1st week of antidepressants... Looks like no effect so far. Anyone has something to say about AD's? I was told they start to act within 2 weeks or so...
carhill Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 If you're on AD's, you should be having weekly talk therapy both to work through your issues as well as for the medical/psychological professional to monitor the efficacy of your meds. Personally, I'd give it a month to six weeks. Are you on a singular SSRI (I assume) or a cocktail? If the latter, it's even more imperative to have the medical professional involved regularly. Cocktails are tricky. Also, who diagnosed you with depression? I hope it was a psychiatrist.
Author daylightshade Posted May 12, 2011 Author Posted May 12, 2011 Yes, it was my family doc. I'm taking EFFEX.OR
carhill Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Give it 4-6 weeks to stabilize. Watch out for side effects. Be especially careful when you decide to discontinue treatment. Your doctor will monitor and provide you with a reverse-titration schedule. FWIW, my exW took the XR version due to stress while I was caregiving and reported short-term memory loss issues for nearly a year after discontinuance. IMO, you should have a psychological professional on-board for monitoring, especially during this very stressful period in your life. Separation and divorce runs a close second to death as one of the most traumatic periods in one's life. Don't underestimate the reality of this. Your family doctor is fine for physical issues within their scope of expertise but the chemistry of the brain is a completely unique and special science. This is why neurologists, neuropsychometrists, and the PhD and MD psychs exist. Avail yourself of them. Pay careful attention to sleep patterns. Deprivation can be a killer. BTDT, faced the suicidal thoughts. Not pleasant. Good luck.
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