betterdeal Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Just read this and think it's a great list. It's pretty much what I want from a woman as well. It is possible to word it slightly less gender-biased, so that all couples can relate, but I thought I'd share it as-is. http://www.elephantjournal.com/2010/02/what-women-want-ten-secrets-every-husband-lover-or-partner-wants-to-know/ Secret Desire # 1: Focus, or Presence: Get totally present. Allow this moment, right here, right now, to be the only thing happening in the whole of time and space. Let the world fall away around us, and let me be your whole world. This state of grace will usually only last a moment, but that moment goes a long way towards filling a well that often gets low; the one you want to drink from! Take the time, and let’s let the levels rise together. This focus is a great way to greet me when we haven’t seen each other all day. Or, before we part ways in the morning. Or, first thing upon waking. Or last thing before we fall asleep. Or, all of the above. Secret Desire # 2: Noticing, or Paying Attention: When you notice what I like, it makes me feel seen, and cared for. In or out of bed. When you notice that I’ve changed my hair, or that the pants I’m wearing look hot, or that I look like I could use a hug, it makes me feel proud, relieved, happy, grateful that I chose YOU. When you notice how I like my coffee, and prepare it for me without even thinking twice, I feel worshipped. When you figure out that I don’t like soft, repetitive strokes on the hand, but I love strong hugs from behind, it makes me feel understood. Big bonus points to you if I never have to whisper a word to you about it, and you figure it all out on your own; after all, that’s what noticing is about. Take the time and attention to notice me. I’ll do the same for you, and let’s see what happens! Secret Desire # 3: Showing me Gratitude: When you show me that you’re thankful that I chose you, it makes my heart soar. When you tell me you’re grateful that you get to go to bed with me, and wake up next to me, i feel nourished. When you tell me you’re proud to be seen with me, I feel claimed. And as transgressive as it might be for a “feminist” to say, I love it when you claim me. When you tell me you’re grateful that I’m such a good mom to our kids, I feel touched, and relieved. When you show your gratitude by fully parenting them with me, I feel like I won the husband lottery! Remember to say thank you for the small things; those everyday, tiny, repetitive things we do a million times without thinking about it. If I do the laundry, a thanks makes it less of a chore. And if you do the laundry, you know I’ll be thanking you. Secret Desire # 4: Confidence: Don’t second guess yourself. When I say I want you to take control, that’s what I mean. And, don’t second guess me! When I tell you that I want you to make the choice, that’s really what I want. When you don’t believe me, I’m likely to get annoyed, especially on this touchy topic. I know it’s a wound we’re working our way through as a culture. Ten years ago, women weren’t supposed to ask for help, and men weren’t supposed to offer it. Well, the time they are a changing – again! Even as a woman who can still handle it all – if I have to! – I want to be taken care of sometimes. Sometimes I want you to drive. And sometimes, I don’t want to have to say it at all. I just want you to step up, and take the wheel. Secret Desire # 5: Vulnerability: This is not the opposite of confidence, as some men assume. I see your willingness to be vulnerable with me as a huge statement of confidence. And, it makes me want to support you, take care of you. Not in some mommy/boy way, but in this, “oh, wow, he trusts me!” way. Not only that, it makes me trust you. If you’re willing to get vulnerable with me, I’m going to be less guarded with you. And you never know to what fantastic places that could lead. Trust that I can support you in those moments when you need to be held, listened to, or even just vent. Trust that I’ll still be here when you’re through it. And as you trust more, so will I. Secret Desire # 6: Honesty and Transparency: Scarier words are rarely spoken, right? But how are you going to get what you want, if you can’t, don’t, or won’t ask for it? Speaking our desires is the first step to getting them fulfilled. And, when you speak your truth, you allow me to do the same. You never know…that fantasy you’ve been holding back on sharing might be just the one I’m dying to explore. Let me tell you a secret; I like it dirty, and I like it rough. I also like it gentle, and loving, and sweet. If I trust you enough, there’s no edge that’s point-blank off-limits. Make it possible for me to trust you, and you’ll gain the golden key. Your honesty is what cements my trust. Let’s build that foundation. And, it would be less than honest of me to leave this part out; there’s another part of transparency that’s really important to me. If I ask what you’re thinking, or feeling, or what’s wrong, please don’t say nothing, when it’s really something. I’ll be the first to admit that this kind of thing makes me, quite literally, crazy. If you don’t give me the low-down when something’s up, as you probably already know, I’m going to make up some kind of crazy story about what’s behind your silence. Any story I make up is very likely to be much worse than whatever it is you’re not sharing with me. Whatever the truth is, it’s better than confusion or paranoia. So man-up, and spit it out! This courageous act will save both of us a lot of misunderstanding and frustration. And it’ll save me a lot of hurt, wondering, and heart-ache. And you know what’s awesome about this more challenging part of honesty? Once the air is cleared, we can get back to the yummy stuff, which is where both of us really want to be anyway. Right? Secret Desire # 7: Face Fear Head-On: Always be willing to face any fears that come up, whether they’re mine, or yours. And always be willing to go deeper with me, and work through that fear. Maybe not all at once, but over time. In bed or out, we all have fears that arise around letting each other in, trusting, independence versus intimacy, personal power versus shared experience. When you get scared, remember; I get scared, too. One thing you can be sure about is that getting scared is common ground – we’ve all been there! Bring it to me, and I promise to do my best not to hurt you, make you wrong, or close you down in your fear. Open to me, and I’ll open to you. Secret Desire # 8: Responsiveness: In bed or out, paying attention becomes a worthwhile practice when you learn to respond appropriately to the information you gather. That doesn’t mean doing what you think is supposed to come next. It means actually paying attention AS you respond, and honing your response to meet my desire. Sounds complicated, but it gets easier when you get present in the moment! There’s no playbook for life, or for our interactions. No step 1, step 2, step 3 mentality is going to work in every situation. Instead, learn to read me. And then do whatever comes naturally. Look, listen, then walk, as we learn in crossing the street. Give our interactions as much thought, and we’ll find our way. Secret Desire # 9: Sharing Responsibilities: In sex, that means doing your part regarding safety, birth control, and shared pleasure. In life it means parenting with me, house keeping with me, making decisions with me; not around, or to, me. It means making goals and building dreams with me. Sharing responsibility sometimes means taking control of the situation. Sometimes it means allowing me to. And often, it means coming together and working it out, in a way that makes sense to both of us. And, The Big Secret Desire # 10! Be Willing to Cultivate and Invest in Love Through It All: When my ex-husband and I separated a few years ago, I loved my way through it. it wasn’t always easy, but now that I know I can do that, I know I can love through anything. Even when I’m angry at you, I can find the love I have for you within and around the anger. Even when I’m hurt, scared, and tired of the b.s., I can still find, connect with, and foster that love. And if I can’t, something might really be wrong! Practice may not make this one perfect, but it gets you there. Loving through the annoyance, anger, frustration, and pain is something that can become a natural response. Remember; I’m loving you. Love me, too. If we can pull that off, I’m pretty sure we’ll be able to make this thing work!
guy777 Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Very well written piece on your needs. And I rate it more introspective than many. I believe many women share similar needs. Not sure about following your "be honest about telling me what's wrong." advice. If our partner isn't extremely secure, i don't think straight shooting works well here. We still have to figure out a way to frame it so it doesn't hurt, and so we still get what we want/need. But you are correct that not saying anything, or not trying to figure out how to frame it, isn't making a effort to make it better.
Author betterdeal Posted May 12, 2011 Author Posted May 12, 2011 Just to be clear, I copied that verbatim from the link, and am a straight man. That said, I agree that being thoughtful and working to be clear, precise and positive is how we all can turn problems into growth periods in a relationship. A lot of life is about communication.
guy777 Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Whooips, I missed that part Well, thanks for highlighting it. It was a worthwhile read in my opinion.
Author betterdeal Posted May 12, 2011 Author Posted May 12, 2011 No worries. It's hard to find clear and intelligent details of what men want from women. We have a disconnect. We don't talk to each other and we're, by and large, isolated.
Little Billy Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 I agree. Men have different needs with women. May it be a simple touch,caress or simple gestures that will make anyone feel special. Some are distant and does not appreciate small gestures. Communication is the main ingredient in every relationship may it be family,love,friends,etc. Master the skills in communication and I bet you will most likely have a none complex relationship.
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