so-wrong Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 I've now hit 7 weeks NC but things aren't getting any better, in fact they're getting worse & my BH has now moved out & I still miss my AP. BH is a lovely man & a fantastic father but from entering the A, my love for him vanished & almost seemed to attach itself totally to my AP. I just can't seem to recover those feelings for him & it's a nightmare as I know deep down that he is a real catch. We also had a lot of issues sexually prior to the A (he struggled for many years to maintain an erection & sex was not good) & since the A, I really have no interest in him in that way. (The sex with AP was fantastic & he really knew how to arouse me). So basically I love BH & see him as a wonderful friend but just don't fancy him or feel THAT sort of love for him, if you know what I mean. I know I'm going to lose him but I don't know if our R is doomed. (We tried MC but it hasn't recovered those feelings from my side). Obviously I haven't even touched on how BH feels about my betrayal & the anger & disgust toards me that he lives with. I hope being apart from him for a while helps me to realise what I stand to lose (he's just in rented accomodation at the moment so nothing too permanent). Please help me before it's too late....
myname Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 I've now hit 7 weeks NC but things aren't getting any better, in fact they're getting worse & my BH has now moved out & I still miss my AP. BH is a lovely man & a fantastic father but from entering the A, my love for him vanished & almost seemed to attach itself totally to my AP. I just can't seem to recover those feelings for him & it's a nightmare as I know deep down that he is a real catch. We also had a lot of issues sexually prior to the A (he struggled for many years to maintain an erection & sex was not good) & since the A, I really have no interest in him in that way. (The sex with AP was fantastic & he really knew how to arouse me). So basically I love BH & see him as a wonderful friend but just don't fancy him or feel THAT sort of love for him, if you know what I mean. I know I'm going to lose him but I don't know if our R is doomed. (We tried MC but it hasn't recovered those feelings from my side). Obviously I haven't even touched on how BH feels about my betrayal & the anger & disgust toards me that he lives with. I hope being apart from him for a while helps me to realise what I stand to lose (he's just in rented accomodation at the moment so nothing too permanent). Please help me before it's too late.... Ok, it's not been that long, well done for maintaining NC while your feelings are confused. Maybe the time apart will allow both you and your husband to come to terms with the situation and realise what you do have together. Maybe the time apart will make you start to feel more attraction for him. Maybe it will help him to work through his pain and difficult feelings. It sounds like you want to find a way back to your husband so I would suggest don't make any snap decisions now, stay in touch with your husband, being honest, kind and not promising anything you can't deliver on, stay NC with your x AP, try to steady yourself and work through the difficult emotions. All the best.
robf1971 Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Please help me before it's too late.... Lol you are a very lucky woman. If I was your BH you would be out of the house, paying for your own rent, and legally separated by now. You might not like it but at least you'd respect me. If I was your BH, for there to be even a 1% chance of us getting back together you would have to move HEAVEN and EARTH to prove you were trustworthy again. I mean opening all passwords, email accounts, commiting to Marriage counselling etc. It seems that you are not doing this, therefore there is a good chance that your husband will eventually give up, and find someone else with higher integrity than you who will not cheat.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Well, if your H is that much of a catch, I gaurantee you that other women will be there to nurse his wounds. Once he gets a taste of what it feels like to be truly loved and adored it won't matter much whether those feelings have returned for you or not. The excitement of new love is enough to make someone forget most anything. I think you've done the right thing by separating, but it isn't the living arrangement that makes it not too permanent, it's going to have a lot to do with the women that swoop In to kiss his booboos. 1
greengoddess Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 I don't understand what kind of help you want and I don't think you do either. It sounds like things are where they should be for now. You sound to be on the right path. Divorce your husband. You do not love him like you should and move on with your life. It's simple.
jwi71 Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 I've now hit 7 weeks NC but things aren't getting any better, in fact they're getting worse & my BH has now moved out & I still miss my AP. To bring up the points I have previously made, what do you want? Do you want: 1) To recover your M 2) Pursue your AP 3) Be alone (neither man, lose AP and H) 4) Do nothing (this is really choice number 3 in the end) Once you know which option you want it will be clear what steps you need to take. And 7 weeks NC isn't too far along in NC world. Just like IC and MC, it can take MONTHS to begin to move forward. But time is NOT your friend. I again will repeat myself from earlier threads...you must choose NOW which man and which life you want. Why did your H move out? BH is a lovely man & a fantastic father but from entering the A, my love for him vanished & almost seemed to attach itself totally to my AP. I just can't seem to recover those feelings for him & it's a nightmare as I know deep down that he is a real catch. We also had a lot of issues sexually prior to the A (he struggled for many years to maintain an erection & sex was not good) & since the A, I really have no interest in him in that way. (The sex with AP was fantastic & he really knew how to arouse me). You need IC, you need MC with your H. Its hard to give advice since I don;t know which of the four goals you want to pursue. So basically I love BH & see him as a wonderful friend but just don't fancy him or feel THAT sort of love for him, if you know what I mean. I know I'm going to lose him but I don't know if our R is doomed Have you told your H this (politely of course)? Maybe what you should do is consult a lawyer on filing for D then. And, IMO, you can't lose your H and still keep some sort of R with him. I know this as I live it with my xWW - I have nothing to do with her unless it involves the kids. . (We tried MC but it hasn't recovered those feelings from my side) MC and IC will take months to show real progress. MONTHS, not weeks. And you can't recover your M while thinking of the AP. Every ounce of energy you give the AP is an ounce deprived to your H. This is why you MUST choose now and forcefully act to "get" the man you truly want. It takes TIME and yes its hard and yes its not fair but its also YOUR reality. You have got to WANT your H and the M to work for IC and MC to bear fruit. And even then it may not be enough, your H has feelings too.... . Obviously I haven't even touched on how BH feels about my betrayal & the anger & disgust toards me that he lives with. This is a big mistake I think. To me, if you are NOT addressing those with him then it, at the very least, makes recovery difficult. And you do this in MC. You do this at home together (which you clearly cannot). I hope being apart from him for a while helps me to realise what I stand to lose (he's just in rented accomodation at the moment so nothing too permanent). I'm not a big fan of separating to save the M. Seems counter-intuitive to me. After all, when dating before you were M - this idea would have seemed preposterous. However, I am not you or your H so I hope this brings about the ends you want. Speaking of which, what end do you want and what are you doing to get there? You have NEVER said this. Maybe try it. And if you don't love your H as an H then maybe a D is your BEST option. Please help me before it's too late.... Well, I'll try and am trying. But I don't know what help you want. Want to save your M? Move back in with H, IC and MC, and be as transparent as glass and MAYBE you'll make it. Want the AP? File for D and go for it. Want to be alone? File for D and be alone.
robf1971 Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 I gaurantee you that other women will be there to nurse his wounds. Lol one thing I learnt during my wife's little coniption ( we are now reconciled before anyone accuses me of being bitter). Is how quickly women come out of the woodwork once they realise a relationship is over. Us men are indeed seemingly in short supply.
fooled once Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 I've now hit 7 weeks NC but things aren't getting any better, in fact they're getting worse & my BH has now moved out & I still miss my AP. BH is a lovely man & a fantastic father but from entering the A, my love for him vanished & almost seemed to attach itself totally to my AP. I just can't seem to recover those feelings for him & it's a nightmare as I know deep down that he is a real catch. We also had a lot of issues sexually prior to the A (he struggled for many years to maintain an erection & sex was not good) & since the A, I really have no interest in him in that way. (The sex with AP was fantastic & he really knew how to arouse me). So basically I love BH & see him as a wonderful friend but just don't fancy him or feel THAT sort of love for him, if you know what I mean. I know I'm going to lose him but I don't know if our R is doomed. (We tried MC but it hasn't recovered those feelings from my side). Obviously I haven't even touched on how BH feels about my betrayal & the anger & disgust toards me that he lives with. I hope being apart from him for a while helps me to realise what I stand to lose (he's just in rented accomodation at the moment so nothing too permanent). Please help me before it's too late.... Only YOU can fix this (your part of it). I really struggle when I see women blame men for the issues these men have with their penis's. I can probably bet you HE wishes things weren't the way they are. You two together could see a specialist for him, he can also get medication to help out. BUT if you aren't invested, then why should he even try? You won't be invested until YOU put an end to the affair - physically AND emotionally. Maybe you do need to lose him; I am not sure. I am not him and he may never be able to look at you without disgust. Affair sex is most of the time "mindblowing, wonderful, etc". I mean, what's the point in the affair if the sex sucked? Are you sorry for the affair? Do you regret the hurt and distrust you caused? If the MM is in the picture, are you still seeing him? If you aren't seeing him now and he called you up and wanted to get together for a game of hide the sausage, would you play? Try a new marriage counselor - find one that WORKS for both of you; if you are serious about fixing your marriage. Also get an individual counselor for you. Good luck
2sunny Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 i'm not seeing where you have taken any solid action to repair the marriage? focusing on the AP will keep those feelings alive. focusing on repairing the M and what YOU did to tear it apart takes time and energy... what have you been doing to repair the damage YOU caused? be specific. just hanging around and not changing things is not enough. your BH is most likely looking for solid evidence of changes you are making to make sure thins get better and you become the woman he wants to love and trust. trust is earned... what are you doing to earn it back?
flowergirl77 Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 It is VERY typical- the way are feeling. It has taken 7 months of NC and A LOT of pain and confusion for me to get to where I am today. I am feeling myself falling back in love with my H, and I truly thought this was impossible! We both are working hard at meeting each others needs-and know what it takes to have a strong MG. It's not all roses, but things are better than than they have ever been in our 10yrs together. I won't lie-it takes TONS of work. But in the end, I had to make the smart decision and leave the AP behind. I knew there was no hope for our MG if I still had contact (or feelings!) with AP. Now, I am glad I made that decision-I hope you find your answer!
Author so-wrong Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 I feel as though I love my H but have lost my desire for him & am not sure if this is because I am still in the 'affair fog' & if so, whether it will return. My desires are 100% towards the MM & I am stuck in re-living so many aspects of the A. Obviously it has been pointed out that time is not my friend & this is so true. I would love to regain the strength of feeling I once had for my H & can't really understand what has happened, other than what started as a bit of fun turned so quickly into something I can't control. When we're together we just seem to get dragged back into circular arguments about the A, which serves to keep me there too. I've tried to explain this to my H but he can't help doing it. Part of the problem is that because of NC, I can't gain closure & find myself thinking of ways I can legitimately re-establish contact in future to see if there could be a future. We had a lot in common & I miss him terribly. There is definitely something missing in my M (in addition to the trust which I've blown totally) & it was there with MM. However for the sake of our young children neither I or my H want to just give up on the M. It just all feels kinda hopeless right now & I'm on the brink of losing so much. I have now booked IC & I hope she can give me some much needed guidance cos I am out of my depth & sinking fast.
Breezy Trousers Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I feel as though I love my H but have lost my desire for him & am not sure if this is because I am still in the 'affair fog' & if so, whether it will return. My desires are 100% towards the MM & I am stuck in re-living so many aspects of the A. Obviously it has been pointed out that time is not my friend & this is so true. I would love to regain the strength of feeling I once had for my H & can't really understand what has happened, other than what started as a bit of fun turned so quickly into something I can't control. When we're together we just seem to get dragged back into circular arguments about the A, which serves to keep me there too. I've tried to explain this to my H but he can't help doing it. Part of the problem is that because of NC, I can't gain closure & find myself thinking of ways I can legitimately re-establish contact in future to see if there could be a future. We had a lot in common & I miss him terribly. There is definitely something missing in my M (in addition to the trust which I've blown totally) & it was there with MM. However for the sake of our young children neither I or my H want to just give up on the M. It just all feels kinda hopeless right now & I'm on the brink of losing so much. I have now booked IC & I hope she can give me some much needed guidance cos I am out of my depth & sinking fast. Affairs start & end in the mind. Seven weeks NC isn't long at all! Sounds like you're confused because you're still in dense love fog. So, mentally & emotionally, you're still in the affair. You're not in your marriage, so of course your husband probably feels distant to you at this point. I sympathize. Love fog can be addictive. It feels like a cozy cocoon that you never want to leave. It's no different than drugs, in my experience. It can take a long time to go away. NC is great, but it's not that great if your mind is constantly MM-dipping. Easier said than done, I know. But there are antidotes: keep coming back here; read books that are anti-affair; counseling; love addicts anonymous meetings (if available in your town). Also -- how can you really know what's "there" with MM? You've only seen him in special, artificial circumstances. The early stage of love -- which can be prolonged in affairs due to secrecy & insecurity -- is just projection. (I read somewhere that love affairs are a narcissism for two.) It takes time and open sustained contact with the community at large to show what's really "there." My husband had an infidelity years ago. A month into the affair, he was already revising the history of our marriage. Now he laughs and shakes his head at how delusional he was after a mere 30 days, but it certainly didn't seem that way to him at the time. We survived that, but let me tell you -- love fog is intense and often insane. It can ruin lives. The problem is that you might not realize how damaged your life is until the fog clears, and then it might be too late.
Flabbergaster Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 So, i feel for you. This is awful and i know you're in a lot of pain. Please buy two copies of _After the Affair_, one for you and one for your H. LOL no i don't get money from this...it has helped me incredibly and I think it will help both of you. It covers a lot of what you describe the two of you are experiencing, and how to cope with it. I feel as though I love my H but have lost my desire for him & am not sure if this is because I am still in the 'affair fog' Yes, it is because you are still in affair fog. BTDT. The fact that you have love for him is a good sign!! & if so, whether it will return. Time will tell.You need to rebuild your R before you have strong desires. If you have love for him in all this craziness, i think desire will return for you. My desires are 100% towards the MM & I am stuck in re-living so many aspects of the A. Hey, that's affair fog. I've been there! Feel the anguish of not having MM, and pray /wait for it to pass. Part of the problem is that because of NC, I can't gain closure & find myself thinking of ways I can legitimately re-establish contact in future to see if there could be a future. We had a lot in common & I miss him terribly. Closure? CLOSURE after an A?!?!? I think few of us really find closure. NC prevents new hurts. Communication doesn't bring closure, it only brings more pain. There are exceptions, but not many. In my opinion closure is something you can create. I chose to feel closure from a few specifics, so I could stop hurting so badly. Pining, you think 'if i can talk to him i'll have closure.' Horsepuckie. If you talk to him, you'll have agony that you have to stop talking to him, and then feel it wasn't enough. "I can quit heroin anytime i want...after this." There is definitely something missing in my M (in addition to the trust which I've blown totally) & it was there with MM. However for the sake of our young children neither I or my H want to just give up on the M. It just all feels kinda hopeless right now & I'm on the brink of losing so much. I have now booked IC & I hope she can give me some much needed guidance cos I am out of my depth & sinking fast. I am very happy that you have booked IC. Give it two or three sessions minimum. If it isn't helping...tell the therapist it isn't connecting and ask them to send you to someone else. They want you to be helped; if they aren't bonding with you they WANT to send you to someone that will. My husband had an infidelity years ago. A month into the affair, he was already revising the history of our marriage. Now he laughs and shakes his head at how delusional he was after a mere 30 days, but it certainly didn't seem that way to him at the time. This is true, i've experienced it myself. TO make ourselves feel 'less evil' the brain apparently rewrites memories to portray the BS in a bad light and the WS as a victim. There are studies on this. I have experienced it. It isn't just in an A, it can happen with other R aspects. I love how this is handled in movie _500 days of summer_, we see how he chose to remember...and then what he realizes really happened. Affair fog...emotions can't be trusted. Not by the OW/OM, the WS, or the BS.
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