dragonfly22 Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 (edited) Hi everyone, About a month ago my fiance of 5 years broke up with me. Here is the original thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t273685/ After 3 weeks apart he came back telling me he loved me and wanted to get back together: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t276492/ You all told me not to get back together with him but of course I didn't listen. Well everything seemed perfect, he told me constantly how much he loved me, how I am the woman for him, how he wants to marry me. I told him I didn't feel totally confident and he told me not to worry, that he knew his actions would speak for himself. Well as our relationship was long distance and he makes several times more money than I do, we decided an important part of what we had to fix in our relationship was the distance. So we decided I would quit my job and move over there with him. While I found a job he would support me. Well, I was supposed to hand in my resignation yesterday. But something just didn't feel right so I didn't. Well, out of nowhere last night an old crush of mine came back into my life. He is a Facebook friend but to be honest we haven't talked in years. Maybe 4 years or something like that. At one time I had really strong feelings for this guy but nothing ever happened. Well, out of nowhere he starts talking to me last night. We ended up chatting until almost 3 am about all sorts of things, including my relationship and also his current relationship. Well this guy told me I was too good for all this crap, and if my boyfriend couldn't realize the kind of woman he had next to him and treated me the way he did, then he didn't deserve me. I have to say, talking to these guy again made me feel like I deserve nothing but the best. So this morning I wake up and have an "I love you so much, you are the best thing that ever happened to me" text from my bf. At around 10am he called me to ask me how my day was and to tell me that he loves me again. I couldn't stop thinking about my job resignation and what the other guy said last night. So during lunch time I called my boyfriend and told him I didn't quit yesterday. He seemed surprised and asked why. I told him I didn't want to leave my whole life behind to work in our relationship unless I was 100% sure that we were on the same page. He didn't say ANYTHING. It was just silence. So I ask him "do you really love me?" and he said "yeah, i THINK i do". I was like what?? I KNOW i love you, and you THINK you love me?? And then he cracked. He started telling me he is just so confused. That he doesn't know if he loves me or not. That he doesn't know what to do. That he knows I'm so amazing and letting me go could be the worst mistake of his life, but at the same time that he thinks maybe he is with me because of what we have shared and the love he has for me but he doesn't know if he is in love. So I told him well maybe we should end it, he said maybe we should. We talked again in the afternoon and he told me he is just too confused, he doesn't know what he wants and he doesn't know how he feels about me. He asked me for 2 weeks NC, so he can clear his mind. I said fine but to be honest, I know the outcome of this. This weeked is our aniversary and he had planned everything for a perfect romantic anniversary. Of course that won't happen anymore. I just don't understand. If he wasn't sure WHY did he come back??? Why tell me over and over how much he loved me if he didn't mean it??? I'm beyond devastated now! I got my hopes up for nothing!! I broke NC the night before he asked me to get back together. Today he told me he thinks he came back because I broke NC and he missed me but he told me had I not broken NC he doesn't think he would've come back...at least not now. So in a month I've had the same man, the man of my life, break up with me twice. My brother said I went way too fast. I guess it is true. Everyone here told me not to take him back but I did. Now it hurts even more. Edited May 12, 2011 by dragonfly22
Kodo Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 I can't offer much advice but maybe I can offer some comfort. I took an ex back after she took off for a year. She called me up randomly one night and discussion led to her wanting to be with me again. Everyone told me not too BUT they would of course support my decision. So I did. And 15 months after that, she dumped me again. In the same way, without words, won't give me a chance and is ignoring me. It feels exactly like 2 years ago. But one thing I'm trying to focus on is what exactly is different this time. Not in the relationship, but outside it. For me I now have an education, a secure job, bigger network of friends and a future (even if it does seem a bit foggy right now). Share what's different for you this time. And don't be hard on yourself for taking them back. It's easier for everyone else who doesn't care because they are not in your situation.
MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Hi everyone, About a month ago my fiance of 5 years broke up with me. Here is the original thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t273685/ After 3 weeks apart he came back telling me he loved me and wanted to get back together: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t276492/ You all told me not to get back together with him but of course I didn't listen. Well everything seemed perfect, he told me constantly how much he loved me, how I am the woman for him, how he wants to marry me. I told him I didn't feel totally confident and he told me not to worry, that he knew his actions would speak for himself. Well as our relationship was long distance and he makes several times more money than I do, we decided an important part of what we had to fix in our relationship was the distance. So we decided I would quit my job and move over there with him. While I found a job he would support me. Well, I was supposed to hand in my resignation yesterday. But something just didn't feel right so I didn't. Well, out of nowhere last night an old crush of mine came back into my life. He is a Facebook friend but to be honest we haven't talked in years. Maybe 4 years or something like that. At one time I had really strong feelings for this guy but nothing ever happened. Well, out of nowhere he starts talking to me last night. We ended up chatting until almost 3 am about all sorts of things, including my relationship and also his current relationship. Well this guy told me I was too good for all this crap, and if my boyfriend couldn't realize the kind of woman he had next to him and treated me the way he did, then he didn't deserve me. I have to say, talking to these guy again made me feel like I deserve nothing but the best. So this morning I wake up and have an "I love you so much, you are the best thing that ever happened to me" text from my bf. At around 10am he called me to ask me how my day was and to tell me that he loves me again. I couldn't stop thinking about my job resignation and what the other guy said last night. So during lunch time I called my boyfriend and told him I didn't quit yesterday. He seemed surprised and asked why. I told him I didn't want to leave my whole life behind to work in our relationship unless I was 100% sure that we were on the same page. He didn't say ANYTHING. It was just silence. So I ask him "do you really love me?" and he said "yeah, i THINK i do". I was like what?? I KNOW i love you, and you THINK you love me?? And then he cracked. He started telling me he is just so confused. That he doesn't know if he loves me or not. That he doesn't know what to do. That he knows I'm so amazing and letting me go could be the worst mistake of his life, but at the same time that he thinks maybe he is with me because of what we have shared and the love he has for me but he doesn't know if he is in love. So I told him well maybe we should end it, he said maybe we should. We talked again in the afternoon and he told me he is just too confused, he doesn't know what he wants and he doesn't know how he feels about me. He asked me for 2 weeks NC, so he can clear his mind. I said fine but to be honest, I know the outcome of this. This weeked is our aniversary and he had planned everything for a perfect romantic anniversary. Of course that won't happen anymore. I just don't understand. If he wasn't sure WHY did he come back??? Why tell me over and over how much he loved me if he didn't mean it??? I'm beyond devastated now! I got my hopes up for nothing!! I broke NC the night before he asked me to get back together. Today he told me he thinks he came back because I broke NC and he missed me but he told me had I not broken NC he doesn't think he would've come back...at least not now. So in a month I've had the same man, the man of my life, break up with me twice. My brother said I went way too fast. I guess it is true. Everyone here told me not to take him back but I did. Now it hurts even more. Oh wow. I'm sad for you. I mean I think that the good thing is that you realized youre worth more than what he can offer you. You needed to hear your value from someone else and you listened. I think that it does probably hurt more but i wonder does it really?? i mean werent you expecting a downfall again, merely based on history? i'm in a mess of pain as well and i think that you did get back too quickly. i want my ex back NOW like right now and i also know that we can in now way be healthy if we were to be together now. it sucks
Author dragonfly22 Posted May 12, 2011 Author Posted May 12, 2011 To be honest I guess I really wanted to believe this couldn't happen again. Our relationship had been amazing for many many years so I thought what happened a month ago was some sort of personal crisis that he had sorted out. Since he came back he also seemed so sure about it. My mom has been my greatest supporter since all of this happened. Well, he went to her house and talked to her and apologized for all the pain he had caused and promised her his intentions were good. My mom says he cried during most of their conversation while telling her how special I was for him and how much he loved me and he would make this work. So, why would someone get to the point of even talking to your mother to prove his love and then LEAVE again??? He tells me he had never felt so confused in his life, that he doesn't know why he does this and that he is tired of hurting people but he doesn't think he should stay unless he is sure he really loves me. Then why did he tell me just a couple of days ago that through time his actions would show me how much he loved me? Why was he planning my move ONE DAY before he told me he wasn't sure. I was even going to quit my job!! I just don't get it. How can he go from "I love you sooo much, come live with me and leave everything behind" to "Sorry, I'm just not sure".
fetish Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 that sucks. I hear that taking an ex back after a break up is going back to ground zero. Nothing is ever the same and what you built together has to be rebuit. I'm not saying that it can't be done but ususally, after a break up, it's quite different.
bl22 Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Hi everyone, About a month ago my fiance of 5 years broke up with me. Here is the original thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t273685/ After 3 weeks apart he came back telling me he loved me and wanted to get back together: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t276492/ You all told me not to get back together with him but of course I didn't listen. Well everything seemed perfect, he told me constantly how much he loved me, how I am the woman for him, how he wants to marry me. I told him I didn't feel totally confident and he told me not to worry, that he knew his actions would speak for himself. Well as our relationship was long distance and he makes several times more money than I do, we decided an important part of what we had to fix in our relationship was the distance. So we decided I would quit my job and move over there with him. While I found a job he would support me. Well, I was supposed to hand in my resignation yesterday. But something just didn't feel right so I didn't. Well, out of nowhere last night an old crush of mine came back into my life. He is a Facebook friend but to be honest we haven't talked in years. Maybe 4 years or something like that. At one time I had really strong feelings for this guy but nothing ever happened. Well, out of nowhere he starts talking to me last night. We ended up chatting until almost 3 am about all sorts of things, including my relationship and also his current relationship. Well this guy told me I was too good for all this crap, and if my boyfriend couldn't realize the kind of woman he had next to him and treated me the way he did, then he didn't deserve me. I have to say, talking to these guy again made me feel like I deserve nothing but the best. So this morning I wake up and have an "I love you so much, you are the best thing that ever happened to me" text from my bf. At around 10am he called me to ask me how my day was and to tell me that he loves me again. I couldn't stop thinking about my job resignation and what the other guy said last night. So during lunch time I called my boyfriend and told him I didn't quit yesterday. He seemed surprised and asked why. I told him I didn't want to leave my whole life behind to work in our relationship unless I was 100% sure that we were on the same page. He didn't say ANYTHING. It was just silence. So I ask him "do you really love me?" and he said "yeah, i THINK i do". I was like what?? I KNOW i love you, and you THINK you love me?? And then he cracked. He started telling me he is just so confused. That he doesn't know if he loves me or not. That he doesn't know what to do. That he knows I'm so amazing and letting me go could be the worst mistake of his life, but at the same time that he thinks maybe he is with me because of what we have shared and the love he has for me but he doesn't know if he is in love. So I told him well maybe we should end it, he said maybe we should. We talked again in the afternoon and he told me he is just too confused, he doesn't know what he wants and he doesn't know how he feels about me. He asked me for 2 weeks NC, so he can clear his mind. I said fine but to be honest, I know the outcome of this. This weeked is our aniversary and he had planned everything for a perfect romantic anniversary. Of course that won't happen anymore. I just don't understand. If he wasn't sure WHY did he come back??? Why tell me over and over how much he loved me if he didn't mean it??? I'm beyond devastated now! I got my hopes up for nothing!! I broke NC the night before he asked me to get back together. Today he told me he thinks he came back because I broke NC and he missed me but he told me had I not broken NC he doesn't think he would've come back...at least not now. So in a month I've had the same man, the man of my life, break up with me twice. My brother said I went way too fast. I guess it is true. Everyone here told me not to take him back but I did. Now it hurts even more. Well if anything.....be happy and thankful you figured it out and saved your entire life. This guy was willing to let you possibly ruin your entire life by quiting your job and moving, and he would have broke your heart. You stopped that so well done to you...this should be a celebratory thread not a miserable 1! As for moving on, speaking to your old crush should make you see there are others out there, and you do deserve better.
TaraMaiden Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 I think it was speaking to the old crush that activated the question mark in the first place. If he hadn't suddenly come onto the scene, I think she would have handed in her notice and gone.... I think this guy coming in from the past made her realise that perhaps, she wasn't ready to commit again, either.... Her exBF didn't awaken the doubts... long-ago-crush did.....
Author dragonfly22 Posted May 12, 2011 Author Posted May 12, 2011 Tara, you are right when you say the old crush raised the question, however not the "do i want to commit?" one. This guy is in a serious long-term relationship and he is about 9 or 10 years older than me so I see him as someone who knows what he is talking about. He just made me see that I'm still young and I shouldn't settle for someone who doesn't love me with the same intensity I love him. But I never doubted I wanted to be in a relationship with my boyfriend. Yes, maybe this old crush told me how amazing he thinks I am and gave me an ego boost but at the end of the day it is my BF I want to be with. I love HIM. And what the crush told me just made me think "well, yes maybe I need to make sure me and my BF are absolutely in the same page" which is why I called him. Honestly I didn't expect him to say he didn't know if he loved me. Based on his behaviour in the past few days I was just looking for reassurance before handing in my resignation. I do have to say the conversation I had with the old crush made me feel more optimist about the future. Yes, he is in a serious relationship and there's NO way I would pursue him but, he made me see there are other great guys out there who can see me as a great potential partner. Still my heart is so broken. I don't want anyone else, I want MY BF. Of course that is over...
kaycstamper Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 I'm sorry you're going through it again, but if things don't change in the mix the end result will be the same. I'd caution you against getting involved with anyone right now except as friends until you've had time to heal. Your inner voice told you not to quit your job and move and you listened, that was good. Learn to listen to the voice of caution.
PinkChic Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 that sucks. I hear that taking an ex back after a break up is going back to ground zero. Nothing is ever the same and what you built together has to be rebuit. I'm not saying that it can't be done but ususally, after a break up, it's quite different. I could not agree more. My ex also came running back... I thought I would wake up feeling over the moon today to hear all the exact same things your ex is saying to you my ex has said to me in the past few days. Unforunately, I didn't. I woke up thinking "I loved our relationship before.. I wouldn't have changed a thing and now... I wonder and I feel like I walk on eggshells until he changes his mind again". Very crappy feeling. I REALLY think your guy is a commitment phobe, dragonfly. Seriously. He has ALL the traits and all the characteristics my ex has. Unfortunately it can't be helped unless he goes into counceling. Keep your head up, girl!
Author dragonfly22 Posted May 13, 2011 Author Posted May 13, 2011 (edited) Well I ended it today. I told him I had enough and I don't need 2 weeks of NC to understand this is over. Even if he decides now he wants to get back together, this time it's me who doesn't want him. I told him I need to stand up for myself, to take care of myself and to show me some respect. By his reaction I could tell he couldn't believe it was happening. He couldn't believe it was ME who was definitely ending it. He just said "so, this IS it??? It's over???!!" I told him he was an emotionally unstable person and right now I couldn't believe in anything he said. I told him I knew if I stayed with him I would only end up getting even more hurt and I would end up hating him and I don't want to hate someone who gave me the most important relationship of my life so far. I told him I think he should go to therapy (but I really doubt he will) and that someday in the future, when he is ready to address this situation maturely, we can talk about it but a relationship is not a possibility because of his confussion and emotional issues. Well, he was stunned. I handled myself with confidence. No tears, no begging, no pleading. He said I was right. After this conversation he started sending me text messages ending in "i love you babe" "you are the best" "there's no one like you" "don't lose your faith in us". I'm ignoring them because I know he is telling me all of this things but he is NOT interested in having a relationship with me. He also told me several times what his "plan" is. You see we were supposed to move to Barcelona together in September to get our post graduate degrees. Well now he is not going but I am. He keeps telling me that we will definitely get back together after I come back from Spain...in almost 2 years. What makes him believe I will still want him then? What makes him believe I won't find someone else who treats me better in 2 years??? He keeps sending me texts saying "i know after Spain we will be together". And I guess in his head it makes sense. He can party for 2 years and then, when he is ready to settle I return and he can finally come back to me. Pffffff. He keeps telling me that I should also "live my life" while in Spain, but then tells me "honestly I hope all men in Barcelona are stupid, ugly or gay so you won't want them and can still be my girl". I was like SERIOUSLY???? I'm not your girl anymore!! The last text he sent me said "please don't lose your faith in us". Ugh, I'm ignoring them now. He also made a remark about a friend of mine who has always been interested in me. He sent me a text saying "I hope XXXXX can give you what I didn't and that you are very happy with him" WTF?? Now he is JEALOUS??? I'm not interested in this friend and he knows it so why make such a remark?? And even if I was interested in him, why does he care? HE dumped ME! And he was with someone else during the weeks when we are apart so how can he be jealous of me moving on now?? I really don't know where the man I love is. I have no clue. This past month I've felt like dealing with a stranger. I'm starting to think maybe he has a serious psychological issue? I would love to get the man I love back, but right now he just doesn't exist. Edited May 13, 2011 by dragonfly22
0hpenelope Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 I don't really have much to add except with this stuff? "i know after Spain we will be together". And I guess in his head it makes sense. He can party for 2 years and then, when he is ready to settle I return and he can finally come back to me. Pffffff. He keeps telling me that I should also "live my life" while in Spain, but then tells me "honestly I hope all men in Barcelona are stupid, ugly or gay so you won't want them and can still be my girl". I was like SERIOUSLY???? I'm not your girl anymore!! The last text he sent me said "please don't lose your faith in us". Ugh, I'm ignoring them now. He also made a remark about a friend of mine who has always been interested in me. He sent me a text saying "I hope XXXXX can give you what I didn't and that you are very happy with him" To the best of your ability, ignore, ignore, ignore these things he's saying. This is all "chit chat," meaningless noise that demonstrate how he's dealing with the situation. His responses are all over the place. It's noise. I'm so happy you're traveling abroad, it's one of the best experiences one can undertake! You have the option, you chose, and you will have a good time.
ganbare Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Graduate school in Spain! That sounds fun! What are you studying? Yeah I'm glad you are standing up for yourself and not being wishy washy. And I'm sad that the man you loved seems to be missing in action. I honestly don't know why these things happen.
TaraMaiden Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Simply put, he's a jerk. he's yanking your chain to get some kind of validation that even though he can mess around with your heart, he can be assured and confident that he has yours in his pocket and that you will jump at his every word. Please, have none of it. Try to bar his number, or replace his name with "Jerk - do not respond!!" Remove all possible avenues of contact and let him understand in no uncertain terms that this is a done deal. And truly, never check up on him, or contact him ever again. Let him go. Take not of all the different pieces of advice on here, about being both the dumper (which you now are, well done you!) and the dumped (which you have been). Spanish guys are hot, but a lot of them are players. They'll go for good home-bred Catholic girls to please their mamas.... So aim to have fun, but be sensible, and go in with both eyes open. In other words, don't let any guy ever pull the wool over your eyes again. But don't lose faith in your own ability to live, laugh, love and enjoy life. Ultimately, it's the only one we have, and it's what it's there for.
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