40 Fonzarelli Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 I know it sounds messed up but do you ever treat your gf/bf worse when they don't look particularly attractive that day? For example they will wear the ugliest outfit, or their hair will look awful, etc. I was guilty of this yesterday and was wondering how I can fix it? Do I have a problem? I felt bad when doing it. I didn't treat her bad but I acted a bit distant and I think she noticed. I wasn't consciously trying to act that way, but it just happened. Perhaps this means I only like her for her looks? How do I put more weight into other categories? I do like her personality and she is fun to be around. Im just wondering if this is normal and if there's a way to correct it. I guess i'd like to know how to focus less on physical attraction? We have been together for 6 months.
Rinnix Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Ive been with my guy for 5 years. I've seen him with a full head of hair, and then when he was bald. While he didn't look as good with a shaved head I still found him to be attractive. Regardless of his looks, his character would shine through. His character is what I had fallen inlove with. He also sees me when I first wakeup (a scary sight) and yet it's when he's usually all over me. We don't keep our good looks forever, we eventually age. We don't treat eachother any differently. Maybe just a harmless tease when one of us has peacock hair. Focus on what you find attractive on and about her!
Woggle Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Not at all. My wife looks great even when she wakesup even though she probably doesn't think so.
orangelady Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Yeah, I've seen guys do this. What you described happened to me once when I was seeing this guy. Eventually, I broke it up. I felt very annoyed whenever he makes comments about how I dress, my zit, my make up, etc. I'm so glad I'm not with him anymore. I think your problem is, you don't think your gf is all that pretty. So you treat her differently when she doesn't appear that pretty. You are exactly the kind of guy that I'd rather be single for life than to even like or be with. Sorry, just being honest.
Cee Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Sometimes boyfriends would get a haircut and look "worse" for a couple of weeks. I have the habit of ruffling my boyfriend's newly shorn hair when I'm with him b/c I prefer his hair to be less kempt. So I guess I'm sneakily "fixing" his hair. It might simply be unfamiliarity because she looks a little different. I suggest that you go in for the kiss and the nuzzle on the neck. Her smell, touch and taste will ground into how attracted you are to her.
Rinnix Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Yeah, I've seen guys do this. What you described happened to me once when I was seeing this guy. Eventually, I broke it up. I felt very annoyed whenever he makes comments about how I dress, my zit, my make up, etc. I'm so glad I'm not with him anymore. That is terrible! I hope you can find yourself a good man who sees you as beautiful with or without make up. Good riddance to him!
orion1010 Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 I dated a body builder that would comment in a negative way about random people on the streets like he was above them if they ddin't look as good as him or were "ugly" to him. It was such a turn off to me. I did end up leaving him. He would always push me to workout and get in better shape and I was in a amazing shape. (still in good shape. ) but i always felt judged. I ended it and couldn't take his ego any longer.
carhill Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 I know it sounds messed up but do you ever treat your gf/bf worse when they don't look particularly attractive that day? Yep, that sounds messed up. Just wait until they're flat on their back in a hospital bed.... IME, the more vulnerable, for whatever reason, my exW appeared, the more care I exercised in my relations with her. Whether that was a bad hair day, her feeling fat or some scary surgery, she got the kind of love and care a spouse deserves. The marked demarcation came later in the M when I needed similar love and care and she abandoned me. I have no guilt about the actions I took subsequently. People make choices and choices have consequences.
sanskrit Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 I dated a body builder that would comment in a negative way about random people on the streets like he was above them if they ddin't look as good as him or were "ugly" to him. My patented line that always works when they start this kind of thing but have redeeming qualities such that you want to give them an opportunity to change: "You couldn't possibly be that insecure." Works like a charm.
welikeincrowds Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 my zit You know, what I'm about to say isn't what you're talking about, but I have a fond memory of popping a zit on an ex's face. We were lying in bed together and I noticed it, and without warning I just went for it. She got so angry at me, and in hindsight, I totally deserved it. But, you know, that's love. Her zits didn't gross me out, and I wanted to take care of her. OP, what you're talking about is a sign of contempt. Not to be alarmist, but contempt is a serious problem in a relationship, so you should definitely unpack that feeling and explore its causes. To clarify: you should learn about what in particular you find unattractive (and why, if possible), how that makes you feel about her, and how it makes you feel about yourself (and yourself in relation to her).
orangelady Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 You know, what I'm about to say isn't what you're talking about, but I have a fond memory of popping a zit on an ex's face. We were lying in bed together and I noticed it, and without warning I just went for it. She got so angry at me, and in hindsight, I totally deserved it. But, you know, that's love. Her zits didn't gross me out, and I wanted to take care of her. OP, what you're talking about is a sign of contempt. Not to be alarmist, but contempt is a serious problem in a relationship, so you should definitely unpack that feeling and explore its causes. To clarify: you should learn about what in particular you find unattractive (and why, if possible), how that makes you feel about her, and how it makes you feel about yourself (and yourself in relation to her). Once I jokingly asked a friend if he'd pop my zit and he said "Gross.."
thatdog Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Yep, that sounds messed up. Just wait until they're flat on their back in a hospital bed.... IME, the more vulnerable, for whatever reason, my exW appeared, the more care I exercised in my relations with her. Whether that was a bad hair day, her feeling fat or some scary surgery, she got the kind of love and care a spouse deserves. Agreed. I think if anything a pay MORE attention to my gf when she is looking at her worst (sick, morning with bedhair, etc) because it makes me realize how much I care about her that she doesn't have to dress up for me to be attracted to her. I find all her small 'negatives' cute and the larger ones concerning (because I worry about her health) rather than a turn off. On the other hand when she dresses up I have trouble not looking at her like a 'piece of meat' as that's how men have been conditioned to view girls in clubs etc where they actually try to look their best (since apparently 'best' = showing of as much skin and curve as legally possible).
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 I think this right here is the measure of love. If you feel more emotion/tenderness towards your partner when they are not looking their best - that's love. If you feel less, you are just in it for the physical... OP - please break up with your gf. She deserves better.
Enchanted Girl Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 I think this right here is the measure of love. If you feel more emotion/tenderness towards your partner when they are not looking their best - that's love. If you feel less, you are just in it for the physical... OP - please break up with your gf. She deserves better. I agree. I got a kidney stone with several complications at the beginning of this year and thank God my boyfriend wasn't like this. I couldn't do my make-up and I looked like **** because I was seriously ill! He was with me when I was in and out of hospitals. Stayed awake with me at night when I was howling in pain and pretty much chomping down my pills. He was there when I couldn't keep anything down and held my hair when I threw up. He was even there holding my hand when I was unable to urinate at all for a few days. He'd sit in the bathroom with me, helping me try to go pee. Because he actually and truly loved me.
Els Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 I think this right here is the measure of love. If you feel more emotion/tenderness towards your partner when they are not looking their best - that's love. If you feel less, you are just in it for the physical... OP - please break up with your gf. She deserves better. I agree. I got a kidney stone with several complications at the beginning of this year and thank God my boyfriend wasn't like this. I couldn't do my make-up and I looked like **** because I was seriously ill! He was with me when I was in and out of hospitals. Stayed awake with me at night when I was howling in pain and pretty much chomping down my pills. He was there when I couldn't keep anything down and held my hair when I threw up. He was even there holding my hand when I was unable to urinate at all for a few days. He'd sit in the bathroom with me, helping me try to go pee. Because he actually and truly loved me. I love these posts. The bf has held me through plenty of times when I'm pretty sure I looked absolutely horrific - when I hadn't slept for a week, when I was ill in bed.. even holding a wet cloth to my bloodied privates when I tore myself a little with a tampon (TMI? heh). I'm not sure if one is supposed to feel more emotion for a sick and ugly partner than they do when the partner is on a romantic dinner date with them... but they should certainly not love any less just because of that. The bf shaved himself bald once. It looked awful. I couldn't stop myself laughing for a good 5 minutes, but I loved him as much as ever anyways.
musemaj11 Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Physical attractiveness is very important for me. Its not the most important but its very important. I cant be with someone unless that person looks beautiful to me. But then Im not selfish. I dont expect anyone to deem me attractive unless I find myself attractive first. If I look in the mirror and I look awful, I dont expect anyone to think otherwise about me.
Dusk1983 Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 You're copping some abuse here, OP. After 6 months, he is not in love with this girl (nor should he be after that period of time, in my view.) In those early stages a relationship is more-or-less driven by physical attraction, so I don't think it's strange or terrible that his feelings for her fluctuate accordingly. Infact, people are kidding themselves if they think this doesn't happen all the time, between all couples and even friends. Hell - even my female flatmates pay me more attention when I look "hot". They aren't even aware they're doing it, but they are. It's just a fact of life.
Stung Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Flatmates are a far cry from a boyfriend/girlfriend of several months. Strangers on the street will also pay more attention to you on days you look hot, or shopkeepers at the corner store you frequent, but someone who calls themselves your boyfriend or girlfriend should be less fickle. If it were going to be a serious relationship, there would be more loving feelings by now, IMO. Every in-love relationship I've ever been in was well on it's way to progressing to that stage by six months in. And in the relationships that were not destined to go that far, there was still enough mutual respect at six months that we would take care of each other if the other was sick, and intimate enough to spend time together lounging around in our sweats or not freak out if we had a zit or go without makeup around the house. Honestly, even if you were just casually beginning to date her and had only known each other two weeks, if you saw her one day and she was feeling under the weather and not looking her best or it was laundry day and she was dressed kinda funky and having a bad hair day, you shouldn't have an impulse to treat her differently/badly because she looks less hot. That's the real issue here and IMO that's a big red flag, not just about her, but possibly about your approach to relationships with human beings in general. Something to examine.
orangelady Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Flatmates are a far cry from a boyfriend/girlfriend of several months. Strangers on the street will also pay more attention to you on days you look hot, or shopkeepers at the corner store you frequent, but someone who calls themselves your boyfriend or girlfriend should be less fickle. If it were going to be a serious relationship, there would be more loving feelings by now, IMO. Every in-love relationship I've ever been in was well on it's way to progressing to that stage by six months in. And in the relationships that were not destined to go that far, there was still enough mutual respect at six months that we would take care of each other if the other was sick, and intimate enough to spend time together lounging around in our sweats or not freak out if we had a zit or go without makeup around the house. Honestly, even if you were just casually beginning to date her and had only known each other two weeks, if you saw her one day and she was feeling under the weather and not looking her best or it was laundry day and she was dressed kinda funky and having a bad hair day, you shouldn't have an impulse to treat her differently/badly because she looks less hot. That's the real issue here and IMO that's a big red flag, not just about her, but possibly about your approach to relationships with human beings in general. Something to examine. Well said.
Darren Taylor Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 I treat everyone(SO or otherwise, attractive or unattractive) equally. I was on the other side before. I remember what it was like.
threebyfate Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Good lord, does this happen to you often, OP? How about past relationships? I can't imagine feeling a difference like that with H. After his near daily run or workout, he's dripping sweat from his face with his hair standing up and around in every direction, sweat stains on his chest and under his armpits. But he's still the most awesome man I know and love, just one who needs a quick shower for hygiene sake.
Stung Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 To be fair, having just reread the OP, I see that he is actually aware that this isn't healthy and wants ideas on how to break through this barrier. I think I lost that part of the thread while reading through the other replies. OP, we might need more information to go on. Is this a pattern of behavior with you in your relationships? How do you feel about this girl, compared to other women you have dated? I know you mentioned that you liked her personality, but that's a pretty drab description. Is there any brighter spark, do you think of her when she's not around? It does sound rather contemptuous, as if you value her only when she provides a good visual accent piece and place less value on her as a multi-dimensional human being. I think it's making people wonder if you settled for this girl after a long dry spell, without feeling that attracted to her as a person, or something. But that's not the only possible scenario. Do you consistently relate to people on a somewhat shallow level, or just women, or just this person? Have you had trouble with commitment-phobia in the past, with pushing people away? Good lord, does this happen to you often, OP? How about past relationships? I can't imagine feeling a difference like that with H. After his near daily run or workout, he's dripping sweat from his face with his hair standing up and around in every direction, sweat stains on his chest and under his armpits. But he's still the most awesome man I know and love, just one who needs a quick shower for hygiene sake. Have to admit, I don't want to hug my husband when he's dripping sweat all over the place, until after he's taken that shower. Hope that doesn't count as treating him differently
threebyfate Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Have to admit, I don't want to hug my husband when he's dripping sweat all over the place, until after he's taken that shower. Hope that doesn't count as treating him differently Sweat and bad smell equals high bacteria count which is a hygiene issue! I'm sure he doesn't become persona non-grata. The impression I'm getting from the opening post is that this is an issue of sweat pants and no makeup creates his distance, rather than a hygiene issue.
Author 40 Fonzarelli Posted May 13, 2011 Author Posted May 13, 2011 Thanks for the advice everyone. I do care about her and always tend to her when she's sick or not feeling well etc. I had an epiphany last night. I realized I have a real fear of intimacy. I am scared to get close and be vulnerable. I started reading a book called Intimate Connections and it stated a symptom that is exactly what I was experiencing: partner perfectionism. I guess its a way of being too picky about physical attractiveness as a way of rejecting them before they hurt me. Its a defense mechanism. I only started reading last night but I intend to finish and hopefully I can overcome this. My past relationships have been pretty surface level. I tend to keep my distance. This also applies to friends. Some events in my past have caused me to be this way. I hope I can overcome on my own without therapy.
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