guitarxkid Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Hey everyone, My girlfriend of a year broke up about 8 months ago and we've been kinda on and off ever since. I loved her and still do. She now has a boyfriend of about 2 months and it really really bothers me. Up until 2 or 3 weeks ago, we hadnt really talked for about a month since she starting dating this new guy because I got really mad and decided I needed to stop talking to her. A couple weeks ago she texted me and we've been talking pretty much every day since. Of course, my feelings are still there and they can be strong at times. Recently, me and her studied for a test together and it went really well and it made me the happiest I've been a while just to spend time with her. After we studied, she later texted me things like "I miss you" and "I don't know what I would do without you". Her boyfriend saw this and got pretty mad so she said she had to stop. I felt the same way, but of course she still has a boyfriend and her feelings just kind of go on and off like that. We studied again a couple nights ago and it felt great it made me unbelievably happy. I know I could go on day after day with talking to her and being friends but I can't stop thinking about her. It's not fair that shes with someone else and its killing me. I can tell she really likes him and she says she loves him which I didn't believe at first but I'm now starting to. I've tried taking time off with NC and it makes me so unhappy, but I'm also really unhappy and unsatisfied when I talk to her everyday but I'm not really her prime person to talk to. I miss her so much and whenever I see her or get to spend time with her it makes me so happy. What should I do? Should I keep talking to her and wait for her and her boyfriend to end things (summer vacations about to start, kinda unlikely they will stay together) or should I just stop talking to her and try and forget. The thing is, if I stop talking to her, she will keep trying to talk to me, and I don't really want to explain that I can't talk to her because my feelings are too strong and I need to move on because that makes me seem attached and I don't need that. Advice? Thanks!!!!!!!!
smudge21 Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 You're really screwing with your own head and heart by continuuing this - you need to sort it for your own sanity. I know what it's like to just enjoy being with someone who you still love but who also has someone new in their lives. It's great when you're with them, but terrible when you're apart (as she's with the new guy, not you). Clearly as you're posting here you know that something needs to change and soon otherwise you're going to get really messed up over this. You need to talk to her, get it all out. Be honest and clear about your feelings for her and what you want from all this. I'd say she clearly is still interested, but whatever caused you two to break up is still on her mind. I'd also suggest the new guy is a rebound and not to be taken that serious. This is about you and her, period! I know it can be tough to talk face to face as when you're with her I bet it's too great to want to ruin it, so send an email instead. Cancel on her for a meet up and then go quiet for a bit, when she asks what's wrong, tell her then. At the moment, and if you let this carry on, she's basically getting her cake and eating it; being with her new guy and keeping you close by in case things don't work out. So you need to sort this, for you.
Author guitarxkid Posted May 13, 2011 Author Posted May 13, 2011 Thanks, you pretty much hit this spot on. It is basically torture for me the way it is right now. But its basically torture the way it is when I don't talk to her. You're right when you said shes getting what she wants with the new guy and keeping me close. She knows how I feel so I don't really see the use in telling her anything... So do you think I should just stop tlaking to her altogether? Should I not respond to any texts or anything? I don't really want to be a dick by ignoring her but I can't let her get what she wants. Any more advice?
smudge21 Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 I was trying to remain friends with me ex even when she got back with her on/off long term boyfriend and they got engaged. We started as friends and I thought it would be nice to get back there. We'd often all meet up and me and him always got on well (no idea what he knows), but it was her and I that got on best. Everyone would always think we were the couple (so very much alike compared to how she is with him). However, as much as I wanted the friendship the truth was I was (am) still very much in love with her and it was eating me up inside when some days I would just lose it. I had to say goodbye. I deleted her from Facebook and stopped responding to her texts. Eventually I drafted an email which explained everything, how I felt, why I felt that way, what I would've liked but knew it couldn't be, and then said goodbye. It wasn't a "I want you back" letter, it was a goodbye. We parted as friends, knowing that that door was always open... but the truth is, I doubt I'll ever walk through it. It would still remind me of what I've lost. So knowing that, the choice is yours. Your situation is slightly different as your ex is on a rebound (as opposed to mine who went back to her long term), so if you say goodbye and go NC, she may (note the word 'may') realise what she misses and come back. Either way, the longer this goes on, the more you're going to get swallowed up and then you'll never be able to walk away. Plus, do you really want to enter the friend zone here?
radiodarcy Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 (edited) So do you think I should just stop tlaking to her altogether? Should I not respond to any texts or anything? I don't really want to be a dick by ignoring her but I can't let her get what she wants. i wound up breaking NC back in february when my ex called me. i thought i could handle being back in touch. at first it was great; but when he started saying he really wanted to get out there and find a girlfriend (ouch!) and would make it a point of letting me know every time he had a date, how it went, and the physical attributes of each girl he took out (ouch ouch ouch!) i knew it was time to bolt out of the friendzone once and for all. so next time we were on IM. i told him that i was not going to be able to handle being friends with him once he found someone he wanted to settle down with. that it would be too difficult for me to handle. and that i was going back to NC for another few months until i could. i wished him luck told him i hoped he found someone who made him happy and good bye. and logged off without waiting for a reply. he tried calling me but i did not pick up and i deleted the voice message he left without listening to it. i haven't heard from him since. and even though a part of me wishes that i had; i know that i did the right thing. because really- - why would i want to be friends with someone who disregards my feelings like that? who shamelessly searches for "the one" while keeping me in his back pocket as a back up girl? i deserve better. and so do you. my friends said i shouldn't have given my ex any explanation for going NC. but i have to say, it made me feel more in control of myself in doing so. because this time i was leaving on my terms, not his. and it gave me the opportunity to assert the very feelings he had trampled on and ignored. Edited May 13, 2011 by radiodarcy
Chi townD Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 You need to go NC. She with someone else and you are kidding yourself into thinking that you can just one day be in a committed and loving relationship to the next day just being a friend. NC is going to be extremely hard and painful in the beginning. She's going to text you, and you will be sooooo tempted to respond. Don't do it. Post here instead, we'll talk you through it. Also, everytime you think you want to contact her, post here. Then think that all she's doing is cake eating. She gets to have that friendship with you and gets to have that physical intimacy with someone else. How is that fair to you? Go NC.
Author guitarxkid Posted May 15, 2011 Author Posted May 15, 2011 I wish it was that easy to just not respond and leave it alone but she goes to the same school as me which makes it 10x as hard. I'm in her group for an out of school project that we have to do in the next couple weeks, which will be hard to do with her. Also, prom was last night and it was torture for me. I went with a friend and of course, I ended up in the same prom group as her and of course, the pre prom dinner was at her new boyfriends house. This sucked for me. To top it off at the after party I talked to her and her boyfriend saw and got pissed for some stupid reason which I think is pretty immature. So I should just not respond to anything at all? I'm debating whether I should say some kind of explanation of why I can't talk to her anymore and how it kills me inside when shes with him but I feel like I've been at this same point so many times and done the same thing it would make no difference. What you do you guys think
Author guitarxkid Posted May 15, 2011 Author Posted May 15, 2011 You need to go NC. She with someone else and you are kidding yourself into thinking that you can just one day be in a committed and loving relationship to the next day just being a friend. NC is going to be extremely hard and painful in the beginning. She's going to text you, and you will be sooooo tempted to respond. Don't do it. Post here instead, we'll talk you through it. Also, everytime you think you want to contact her, post here. Then think that all she's doing is cake eating. She gets to have that friendship with you and gets to have that physical intimacy with someone else. How is that fair to you? Go NC. I've gone NC before and the longest its gone is 3 weeks with her texting me first. I couldn't help responding because I missed her so much and for those 3 weeks all I could think about was her
Author guitarxkid Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 This is so hard for me right now, I can't stop thinking about her. She is one of the prettiest girls I've seen and its killing me because it makes me not attracted to any other girls. What if she texts me to say sorry or are you okay like she has done several times? Should I ignore or send a short text back????
smudge21 Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 You need to go no contact on here right away but you also do need to tell her why, otherwise she'll only come looking for you and that will mean you'll reply (you're in a weak state at the moment, so you will definitely reply). Read my comments above about sending a goodbye email, it worked for me but did hurt like hell, especially the few texts between us afterwards where she finally said goodbye to me too. If she does get in touch when you're NC it all depends on what she says. If it's something basic about saying sorry, then don't reply. It's a statement, not a question. If she says she's missing you, then I'd be tempted to reply with missing you too - but if that leads to more texts then remind her of why you said goodbye. People will say NC is the ultimate solution and must be followed to the letter, however I believe every situation is different. If your ex is still a friend, then I'm against totally ignoring them should they get in touch - but you shouldn't start a conversation. It's all about using your own judgement and doing what you feel is right for you - there is no 100% right or wrong in these situations. If she respects and cares for you then she will leave you alone to heal. My ex has - I was expecting her to be in touch, but it never happened. Even though that was hard for me, it was the right thing and has helped me heal.
Author guitarxkid Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 (edited) You need to go no contact on here right away but you also do need to tell her why, otherwise she'll only come looking for you and that will mean you'll reply (you're in a weak state at the moment, so you will definitely reply). Read my comments above about sending a goodbye email, it worked for me but did hurt like hell, especially the few texts between us afterwards where she finally said goodbye to me too. If she does get in touch when you're NC it all depends on what she says. If it's something basic about saying sorry, then don't reply. It's a statement, not a question. If she says she's missing you, then I'd be tempted to reply with missing you too - but if that leads to more texts then remind her of why you said goodbye. People will say NC is the ultimate solution and must be followed to the letter, however I believe every situation is different. If your ex is still a friend, then I'm against totally ignoring them should they get in touch - but you shouldn't start a conversation. It's all about using your own judgement and doing what you feel is right for you - there is no 100% right or wrong in these situations. If she respects and cares for you then she will leave you alone to heal. My ex has - I was expecting her to be in touch, but it never happened. Even thougt that was hard for me, it was the right thing and has helped me heal. I understand. I honestly don't know if I can see her as a friend anymore. She has been my best friend and the closest person to me for the past 3 years but she has hurt me so much this past year in spite of herself that it really makes me think. And in the past few months whenever I've tried to do exactly what you suggested and give a reason to not talk anymore and say I camt be friends with you anymore she has not respected that and I think that's why I haven't been able to move on. Every day is so hard and Ive been at this point many times since we broke up. I can't stop thinking and dreaming about her and whenever I see her and her boyfriend together my heart sinks and it makes my day twice as bad. All I can think about is how she loves him like she used to love me Edited May 16, 2011 by guitarxkid
Author guitarxkid Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 Like I said before, she's in my small group to do a project for school. Today we're working on it and another group members house. Should I act normal around her as if I'm not hurt or anything and talk to her and whatever like I would usually or should I distance myself as much from her as possible?
nana841121 Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 Being friends with ex takes time. Don't fool ourselves Be honest with the feeling. I despise my ex, he cheated on me, and now he stays friend with me, out of courtesy, i didn't refuse. he keep sending me mixed message, like still using the kettle i gave him in front of the cam while we were on the skype, joked around about having a baby with me, and even trashed his GF a bit. what a douchebag.
smudge21 Posted May 16, 2011 Posted May 16, 2011 I know first hand that being around someone as a friend who you really still have feelings for is a nightmare, especially with their current boyfriend there too. I was in that exact same situation a few months back with the ex. I played it cool because I always can around her - it's like whenever we're together, we're the best of friends. We're both so similar it's easy to get along... but not long afterwards the pain always kicked in and I'd feel like **** again. She'd be going home with him, not me! That's the reality of it all. The thing was though, that whenever we'd meet like that, it was clear it brought back feelings for her too as she would make the extra effort to get in touch after wards, anything to get my attention and see if I were still interested. The way we got along clearly reminded her of why she wanted me in the first place and I like to think, made her think about her choices. Sadly never enough to get her coming back... You need to put a brave face on, man up and be the perfect fun entertaining exciting funny charming guy you were when you two first met. It will make the day go easier and will also make her think about what she's given up on. Unlikely she'll come running back (sorry to say that) but at least you can part the day with your head held high, and in the back of your mind think that maybe, just maybe, she's thinking about you. You will feel bad after seeing her, that's obvious, so just be prepared to deal with those emotions. Let them out. Not safe to bottle it all up. It's perfectly natural and actually pretty good for you. Even after 7 weeks now of not contacting my ex I still think about her, but it does get less. Well it hurts less when I do think about her. I guess you never get over somebody, you just learn to accept that they're gone.
Author guitarxkid Posted May 16, 2011 Author Posted May 16, 2011 We're actually not working on the project today but we are wednesday. She texted me about the project and I kinda had to respond, not much I can do there. She said she will call me tonight to talk about supplies and I plan on telling her I can't talk to her anymore and why when she calls. I guess when this project is over, and school ends a week later, that will be it for us and I won't see her much (for the best, I guess) except for at school parties etc. I'm kind of guessing we won't talk and she'll end up texting me anywhere from 2 weeks to a month later. I'll be tempted to reply but I'll definitely post here first. Writing here makes me feel somewhat better, and I appreciate the responses from you guys so I'll keep you updated
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