Can someone explain what a rebound relationship is and give their thoughts?

[CrazyMiner]

Hi all,

 

I've read a bit about rebound relationships on LS but, if I'm honest, don't really understand what they are or the psychology/idea behind them.

 

Basically, I found out this evening from a joint friend that my ex GF of 8 years who broke up with me 2 months ago is seeing someone. They have only seen each other once but she is planning on seeing him again for a second time and has let her closest friends in on the secret.

 

Is this a rebound? I suppose it's hard to tell. But do people who have rebounds tend to just jump into bed with someone or can they 'date' as seems to be happening in this case and it still be a rebound?

 

It's a bit upsetting to hear but she did say she wanted to sort of find herself and try dating different people. Some insights would be appreciated into whether this sounds like a rebound or something different.

[brokenamy]

she is doing what she said. dating other people and moving on. do the same and stop spying on her. she knows u r doing it and the sooner u stand up and ignore the pain in ur chest and date others and work on being a better u, u have no chances at getting her back.

[CrazyMiner]

she is doing what she said. dating other people and moving on. do the same and stop spying on her. she knows u r doing it and the sooner u stand up and ignore the pain in ur chest and date others and work on being a better u, u have no chances at getting her back.

 

Hi Amy,

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

It's not a case of me spying on her, a mutual friend just came out with it when we were out for drinks last night. How would she know that I'm hearing this stuff... it's not as if I'm telling her!

 

I am working on bettering myself. The problem I see is, I do obviously want her back. But how do you get across to someone that I've bettered myself and are working on issues that I've picked up on through our relationship when you don't really see them (apart from when she comes to get something from the house and had a friend with her, as per last night), and only really talk on the phone about business things (e.g. renting out the house)?

[Eeyore79]

A rebound relationship is when you're not over your last relationship and aren't ready for a new one, but you date someone because you're lonely and you need some attention to make you feel better, and some company while you heal. You may not even be that attracted to the rebound person, but their interest in you makes you feel better; the relationship is basically a distraction from your emotional pain over the breakup. The rebound person typically gets dumped when you finally get over your previous relationship and are ready to date again.

 

A rebound relationship can equally be just sex, or like a proper dating relationship. It can last for a few weeks or months, or even for a few years if the previous relationship takes a lot of getting over. There can be a string of rebound relationships after a particularly bad breakup.

 

However a rebound usually means that you're broken-hearted about the breakup, still have feelings for your ex, etc. It isn't necessarily the case that someone is on the rebound just because they recently ended another relationship - they might have been totally happy about ending the relationship, relieved it's over and immediately ready to move on. This might be the case for your ex given that she's the one who dumped you; she isn't necessarily on the rebound or feeling any pain.

 

The best thing you can do is just get on with living your life, and bettering yourself if that's what you want to do. But do it for yourself, not for her, because there's no guarantee she'll come back. You can't make someone realize you've changed and improved and give you a second chance - if she doesn't want to be with you there's nothing you can do to convince her.

[ironmanpower]

 

However a rebound usually means that you're broken-hearted about the breakup, still have feelings for your ex, etc. It isn't necessarily the case that someone is on the rebound just because they recently ended another relationship - they might have been totally happy about ending the relationship, relieved it's over and immediately ready to move on. This might be the case for your ex given that she's the one who dumped you; she isn't necessarily on the rebound or feeling any pain.

 

Agree on this. If you've been dumped and the ex just started another relationship, it's really over! She is not feeling any pain and to her, it is an exit from the pain she was having when she was in the relationship.

[CrazyMiner]

Agree on this. If you've been dumped and the ex just started another relationship, it's really over! She is not feeling any pain and to her, it is an exit from the pain she was having when she was in the relationship.

 

Fair points from both.

 

As mentioned, she has apparently only been out with this guy once, but does plan on seeing him for a 2nd date. In all fairness to my ex, she did say she wanted to try basically being "young, free and single" and all the things that go with it. We were together for 8 years, and one of the points that she made when she told me she wanted to separated was that she had never dated anyone else other than me.

 

I'm starting to realise that it is over over. What she did say when we broke up was that perhaps some time down the road after we had both healed and the dust had settled we could try dating as the new people we had become. Though whether she meant this I don't know.. perhaps she meant it at the time but 2 months later? Who knows. I know the relationship fizzled out towards the end, and I think she was basically the brave one out of the two of us who decided to call it quits, though I didn't see it at the time.

[Jdw_Icequeen]

Just because she dumped you dosen't mean she feels no pain and isn't rebounding.. After my ex left me he rebounded with SEVERAL diffrent sexual relationships and dating relationships. He did this to try to get over me as quick as possible. It didn't mean he wanted me back but he felt like we just wern't and couldn't work. He also did alot of drinking and reckless behaivor which is another sign their doing whatever they can to get over you.

 

Once I moved on and met someone new after months of working on myself and my emotions. He came crawling back saying how he regretted everything and still loved me.. Alot of people get confused about what they want in life. This can be due to many reasons stress,problems in the relationship or just other oppertunities that open up in diffrent directions.

 

You did mention that she wanted to try dating other people and she is . Just because she broke up with you dosen't mean she dosen't miss you and still have feelings for you. If this is a rebound it dosen't mean you will ever get back together in the future. Most of us at the beginning want some kind of hope that we still have a chance some how some where down the line.

 

The ultimate truth is, in "ALL" of these diffrent senerios there is absolutly no way to tell if you will ever have another chance with someone in the future. Years could go by and you may get back together with someone.

That is why the best advice given here is to work on yourself and move on. Don't worry about proving to her or showing her you have changed.

 

You need to change for you and find your own happiness that is where the healing is. So even though its hard your going to have to move on and leave it to fate. My biggest suggestion is for you to tell this friend of yours and all of your other friends that know her or get information about her that you don't want to know and not to tell you anything about her or her life.

 

You knowing what she is doing is just going to spark more curiousity about her, when you need to be doing the opposite and trying to forget her.

[brokenamy]

Hi Amy,

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

It's not a case of me spying on her, a mutual friend just came out with it when we were out for drinks last night. How would she know that I'm hearing this stuff... it's not as if I'm telling her!

 

I am working on bettering myself. The problem I see is, I do obviously want her back. But how do you get across to someone that I've bettered myself and are working on issues that I've picked up on through our relationship when you don't really see them (apart from when she comes to get something from the house and had a friend with her, as per last night), and only really talk on the phone about business things (e.g. renting out the house)?

Just like that "mutual friend" told you, s/he will tell her things you said or are doing. You don't have to tell her how well you are doing, the mutual friends will. and also consider getting a rebound. that is the ultimate proof that u r moving on and there is nothing worse for an ex that the thought that u could b happier with someone than they r.

[Eeyore79]

there is nothing worse for an ex that the thought that u could b happier with someone than they r.

 

Actually I couldn't care less whether my ex is happy, sad, turns gay, joins a monastery, or marries a perfect woman and lives happily ever after. I wish him well but I really don't care what happens to him. I just wanted him out of my life; what he does after that is his business and I'm completely unaffected by it. Yes, sometimes there's bitterness, jealousy and pain after a breakup, but sometimes your ex really couldn't care less what happens to you and is just glad you're no longer around. In my case, I never loved my ex so I really felt no pain and was just glad to be rid of him. You really can't know how your ex is feeling, all you can do is get on with your life as if they're never coming back.

[terra5]

I'd wait it out. She could see him once or dozens of times, if she is in love with you; she is in love with you. Doesn't matter if she goes out with one guy or several. Stay in the background and low key. Say hi every once in a while or try to talk or chat. Give her space and time. Bad news is that she did wait two months, if it was a week or two it might have been a different story.

[CrazyMiner]

I'd wait it out. She could see him once or dozens of times, if she is in love with you; she is in love with you. Doesn't matter if she goes out with one guy or several. Stay in the background and low key. Say hi every once in a while or try to talk or chat. Give her space and time. Bad news is that she did wait two months, if it was a week or two it might have been a different story.

 

Hey terra5,

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

It all makes sense, I have pretty much told myself that I need to just remove myself now from all but necessary contact (we own a house together that I am trying to rent out some of the rooms from so I know we will have to talk every now and then, but keeping it business". In a NC/LC letter that I sent her I stopped us meeting up 'as friends', as I didn't feel it was helping either one of us to heal or move on.

 

What do you mean by it is bad news that she waited two months? I kind of saw that as good news, as at least she didn't already have her eye on someone before she left. She did say she wanted to be 'young, free and single' and to date other people as she hadn't had the opportunity before due to us being together from an early age, so she is only really doing what she said she would do.

[terra5]

The thing of it is that she gave herself plenty of time to miss you or maybe she didn't. Rebounds are very quickly sparked relationships. Like usually within a few weeks (1-3). Counselors do say that it takes about a third of the time spent in the relationship to get over it. So if you were together for a year you have three months of getting over it to look forward to.

 

I had an ex who started dating a week and half after we split and that turned out pear shape. She never fell in love with the guy and found she didn't have anything feelings for him at all; she was still in love with me and wanted to be with me. These things are always mysterious. I find that you can't read women at all. The got their own way of dealing with things.

 

The biggest problem is not to damage your feelings towards her. A lot of guys beg and text/call after a breakup to try to get back. What eventually happens after so much rejection is they end up losing the feelings they once had for her. So spare yourself, if you really want this girl back give her and you some time and space. Don't damage your feelings toward her. You're going to end up hurting what you feel for her.

 

I wouldn't just cut off all contact, but maybe limit the times that you see each other. Maybe a time or two a month; a call every other week or week and a half. That NC stuff is for the birds. You need to find a medium between where you're still in reach, but distant enough for her to miss you.

 

Other than that don't put everything out on your sleeve and keep your cards close. Keep your options open still; if you don't feel like dating I wouldn't do it; that actually pisses girls off when guys play games. Girls play games all the time, but when we do it; it really pisses them off. So be honest and sincere about yourself always. Hold your ground and don't fall apart emotionally. The break up itself is so damaging to the feelings for you both; in spite of the situations that led up to it.

 

Keep her on your screen and in her view, but not so much that everything she does is going to break your heart. Stand firm. Focus on yourself, accept the breakup, and give space and time. If she loves you and it is meant to be; I promise she will be back.

 

Keep your head up man!

[terra5]

One more thing, for sure she is not over you. The fact that you guys lived together. I hope you know that. Keep that in the back of your head during the time of LC/NC. It will takes months or years to heal from it. 8 years is a long time and she can't get over it in 2 months; I don't care what anyone says.

Edited May 15, 2011 by terra5

[CrazyMiner]

One more thing, for sure she is not over you. The fact that you guys lived together. I hope you know that. Keep that in the back of your head during the time of LC/NC. It will takes months or years to heal from it. 8 years is a long time and she can't get over it in 2 months; I don't care what anyone says.

 

Thanks again Terra5, your replies are always accurate and honest!

 

To be honest, I feel she may have 'checked out' of the relationship a long time before she ended it, but I think this is probably the case in the majority of long term relationship break ups. In a way I do hope she hasn't gotten over me so easily, as after 8 years that would hurt if it was true. However, the Mr Nice Guy side of me does hope that she is happy in whatever she is doing, even if that means she is dating someone else. Though that may be my head saying that rather than my heart... who wants to hear that their ex is dating someone???

 

I did do all the begging etc, probably for 3 - 4 weeks. Less than a week after we broke up she went away on a holiday we had booked together without me (to her mum's who lives abroad) and did ask that we not speak when she was away but that we would when she got back... of course I called her/skyped her a few times during the 10 day trip - I was in pretty heavy shock (and felt it a bit unfair at the time that she would break up with me and then say that we couldn't talk about it)! I do wonder if I have lost a bit of my feelings for her due to the repeated rejection on top of the separation, though this feeling could more be due to the fact that I have tried to develop myself as a lot of my feelings for her are still raw.

 

In regard to not cutting off all contact, I fear I have already really done that. I sent her a NC/LC letter as we were trying to meet up as friends every 2 weeks after the break up and I was getting upset after each meet-up and I also started to think that she wasn't really that invested in them after 2 or 3 catch-ups. So I've put an end to the meets, at least for the time being, and also said that when we talk on the phone it should be kept to 'business' things (we joint own a house that we are trying to rent out). However, even after she received the letter (about 10 days ago), she did call me at midnight a few days later to discuss the house but then for general chit chat which turned into a 45 minute conversation... The problem now is if I try to change that situation then obviously I am going to go back on what I have asked her to agree to. Although we still will be in phone/email reach for the forseeable future due to the house situation so there will be some contact there.

[Flgirl44]

A rebound relationship is when you are driven by negative emotions inside yourself and instead of looking inward and solving the problems you push and barge your way through like a stubborn mule with blinders on hoping everything falls into place. If it doesn't fall into place, this false distraction comes to light and you have no real escape from what you are feeling. The rebound lifts you real high so when you fall, you fall hard.