Sick and tired of her fishing !

[East7]

xMW called me out of the blue, always the same old story "I miss you but I can't be with you" - I indulged to pick up but very quickly, confident and angry I was at the point So WTF do you want from me ?

 

Generally talking about xMM/xMW :

The more they feel rejected the more they fish. NC and rejections drives them crazy ! They behave like that kid that lost the favourite toy. They miss the drama, the attention, the admiration. 'I love you but I can't be with you' - I hate this statement !

- Are you in Guantanamo or is someone guarding you with guns for not being able to be with me..?

 

I'm not in the place where I would crush again and start it all over so I feel very confident about handling her. It is just that it f@#ks up my mood and my day when it happens.

[26pointblue]

xMW called me out of the blue, always the same old story "I miss you but I can't be with you" - I indulged to pick up but very quickly, confident and angry I was at the point So WTF do you want from me ?

 

Generally talking about xMM/xMW :

The more they feel rejected the more they fish. NC and rejections drives them crazy ! They behave like that kid that lost the favourite toy. They miss the drama, the attention, the admiration. 'I love you but I can't be with you' - I hate this statement !

- Are you in Guantanamo or is someone guarding you with guns for not being able to be with me..?

 

I'm not in the place where I would crush again and start it all over so I feel very confident about handling her. It is just that it f@#ks up my mood and my day when it happens.

 

I know what you mean. My xMM hates the rejection & has done all he can to fish & to get a response from me. But for what?! What is the purpose? If he loved me he'd be here with me for real, not fishing to lure me back into an AFFAIR where all he can give me are empty promises, unfulfilled words & stolen moments. No thanks!

[jwi71]

xMW called me out of the blue, always the same old story "I miss you but I can't be with you" - I indulged to pick up but very quickly, confident and angry I was at the point So WTF do you want from me ?

 

Generally talking about xMM/xMW :

The more they feel rejected the more they fish. NC and rejections drives them crazy ! They behave like that kid that lost the favourite toy. They miss the drama, the attention, the admiration. 'I love you but I can't be with you' - I hate this statement !

- Are you in Guantanamo or is someone guarding you with guns for not being able to be with me..?

 

I'm not in the place where I would crush again and start it all over so I feel very confident about handling her. It is just that it f@#ks up my mood and my day when it happens.

 

You know, you say you're done but then you proceed to talk to her. Seriously.

 

What are you wanting to hear from her? That she filed for D and is on her way to you?

 

Then effin' block her already. You CAN'T control what she does but you CAN make it hard as hell for her to reach you.

 

Your life.

Your day.

Your mood.

Your choice.

[siuys]

Yup, the fishing expedition has started for me as well. So f*#ked up. He turned up at my door yesterday but luckily we missed each other coz i was in a friend's car. But we saw each other all the same. He has no respect or does he understand boundaries. I don't consider myself breaking my 4-week NC but yeah, east, sick and tired of it too.

[betterdeal]

It's a nice sentiment but that's all. I love a nice cup of tea. I love Britain's Got Talent. I love fresh crisp sheets on the bed. I love sunny days. I love you but can't be with you means nothing. As soon as you ignore the "I love you" bit it all makes sense. Sure they love you. You're you, after all. It'd be hard to not love you, right? But in terms of anything substantive, they've given you nothing.

 

Thanks for the sentiment. You're a lovely person, but I don't want to hear from you again. I hope you find the peace and happiness you're looking for. Good bye.

[East7]

It's a nice sentiment but that's all. I love a nice cup of tea. I love Britain's Got Talent. I love fresh crisp sheets on the bed. I love sunny days. ....

 

:laugh:

 

Thanks for the sentiment. You're a lovely person, but I don't want to hear from you again. I hope you find the peace and happiness you're looking for. Good bye.

 

That's more or less what I told her.

[silverplanets]

xMW called me out of the blue, always the same old story "I miss you but I can't be with you" - I indulged to pick up but very quickly, confident and angry I was at the point So WTF do you want from me ?

 

Generally talking about xMM/xMW :

The more they feel rejected the more they fish. NC and rejections drives them crazy ! They behave like that kid that lost the favourite toy. They miss the drama, the attention, the admiration. 'I love you but I can't be with you' - I hate this statement !

- Are you in Guantanamo or is someone guarding you with guns for not being able to be with me..?

 

I'm not in the place where I would crush again and start it all over so I feel very confident about handling her. It is just that it f@#ks up my mood and my day when it happens.

 

Hi East ...

 

I'm gonna come straight back in with what I always do .... :rolleyes:

 

I challenge that the main question is anything to do with her. The main question is WFT do you want from her???

 

You haven't changed your number .. so you've left the road open .. why????

 

I'm not being aggressive .. just querying again why are you shining the light on her ... your light should be on you. If you've still got this phone number going then why is that???

 

And the answer 'cause I couldn't be bothered to change it/'cause it would cause difficulty etc etc just doesn't wash for me. I changed my numbers and my email address of ten year duration - I lost friend, customers and other contacts in doing this. It caused absolute havoc to my income stream for many months and, as I did this at the same time as I upgraded a laptop I also lost lots of other info which crippled day to day life for a while.

 

Pain in the arse ... sure was ! Stopped the contact ... sure did. She eventually found another way - so I then removed that way, again at a large inconvenience to myself.

 

When she found a whole new way I eventually forwarded it all to her H and continued to do that with everything.

 

I'm not saying do it my way. What I am saying is I was serious about my intent. I didn't leave it up to her and didn't leave myself vunerable to her weakness - I took action to achieve what I want.

 

So, back to the original question .. what is your justification for keeping this number that she knows????

 

What's happening here is not about her .. it's about you and why that number is open.

 

take care

Chris

[East7]

Ok Chris, I may sound stubborn, but I'm not going to change my number or any other media because I am afraid of her calling me once in a while.

 

I'm not for the stick-the-head-in-the-sand policy. I just want to face it and deal with it like an adult. Yes she is weak and she misses my attention once in a while. I'm just not going to give her what she wants, period.

[Confused4Now]

Hi East ...

 

I'm gonna come straight back in with what I always do .... :rolleyes:

 

I challenge that the main question is anything to do with her. The main question is WFT do you want from her???

 

You haven't changed your number .. so you've left the road open .. why????

 

I'm not being aggressive .. just querying again why are you shining the light on her ... your light should be on you. If you've still got this phone number going then why is that???

 

And the answer 'cause I couldn't be bothered to change it/'cause it would cause difficulty etc etc just doesn't wash for me. I changed my numbers and my email address of ten year duration - I lost friend, customers and other contacts in doing this. It caused absolute havoc to my income stream for many months and, as I did this at the same time as I upgraded a laptop I also lost lots of other info which crippled day to day life for a while.

 

Pain in the arse ... sure was ! Stopped the contact ... sure did. She eventually found another way - so I then removed that way, again at a large inconvenience to myself.

 

When she found a whole new way I eventually forwarded it all to her H and continued to do that with everything.

 

I'm not saying do it my way. What I am saying is I was serious about my intent. I didn't leave it up to her and didn't leave myself vunerable to her weakness - I took action to achieve what I want.

 

So, back to the original question .. what is your justification for keeping this number that she knows????

 

What's happening here is not about her .. it's about you and why that number is open.

 

take care

Chris

Well said SP...I have to say I'm kinda disappointed in you East that she still has that much power to change your moods. I know if my xAP were to do that today...I'd tell her you do this again and I will contact your H. I can assure you she will not. Even if she did I know I have enough strength to not answer a call from her or respond to a email.

 

She can't even respect your NC wish....crazy.

[betterdeal]

Changing my number was the most liberating thing I have done this year. It was free and took an hour. An added benefit is that only the people I like now have my number, so not just the ex, but people I don't really care for have been spared the temptation of calling me.

[2sunny]

so stop the fishing exercise.

 

 

she throws her line in the water = no need to take the bait!

 

taking the bait encourages the game she's playing with you - her line's in the water - swim right past the bait and hook... ignore it like it's not even there...

 

if you get busy biting on other hooks - you won't be so hungry that you bite on her line when she throws it out there for you. it feeds her ego - how much are you willing to keep biting?

[betterdeal]

That's more or less what I told her.

 

I bet you all the money in my pocket you said something materially different from what I suggested. Something that fed her a breadcrumb back. You're keeping your phone number as a form of temptation. You haven't been sincere or open with yourself, IMO.

 

Look, you had some good times. Now they're over. Now you have a relationship that consists of getting pissed off and tiny specks of communication. These little thoughts and feelings you guys are having a brain farts, and you're both jostling to be downwind of each other.

 

Stop doing this to yourself. You deserve to be happy. Put a very clear line between you and the past. You will not move on until you let it go. If that's what you want.

[Emme]

Again... She called you again. SMH.... You sure it's over? You are letting her get under your skin, why? It's hard enough as it is IMO to just let go and learn to accept that it's over. But this constant contact of swinging choochie in front of you is setting you 10 steps back every time. You have to start the whole process of detoxing all over again. We are all in rehab. That's what I call it... it's the same as any substance abuse. You keep drinking that liquor when it calls your name. Go deaf! For real... she workin' my last nerve and I'm not you. She needs to stop calling or you need to block her number. Your setting yourself back hun, think of a better way to cut contact. *Wipes liquor from East 7's mouth*

[Circular]

East! I'm rooting for you to get by this, but if you don't want to change your number then you shouldn't pick up the phone.

 

There's something I've been learning through my own process which is if I'm mad or happy to get something from xMW then that's NOT GOOD. They are both emotional responses, which unfortunately means there's still an emotional connection that can be exploited. It's that whole thing about a fine line between love/hate.. they are both of the same ilk, it's indifference that needs to be achieved.

 

I liken your situation to what happened to me a few months back, got a friendly email from xMW, thought I was in a good place, thought I had resolved a lot of things, thought I could handle it, thought if I replied with a short but friendly response she'd just go away... so I did... and guess what happened!?!?!? She didn't respond!!!!!! Thing was is that is what I logically had anticipated but emotionally I found myself checking for her email more than I'd like to admit. I was unwittingly being sucked back months of NC work.... argh! Go figure she sent me another email like a month later... totally bizarre.

 

I guess my point is that contact creates more of a mess than you think it will, even if it's "WTF!?!?! Leave me the F alone." -- You're still soliciting a response. Only you have to decide is that what you really want? Are you still deep down secretly trying to win her back over? Trying to get her to break down? You might think you're not but I think it takes a lot of introspection and soul searching to really know if you're lying to yourself. I know I'm still grappling with this myself.

[FightClub]

East,

 

 

I get what you are saying and understand the way you handling the way she tries to communicate with you, I really do but as someone who has helped me along the way, I can't help but wonder why you are allowing this behavior anymore.

 

Your response to her phone calls, the anger you are feeling, the emotions you are allowing to grow inside you...it's keeping her alive within you and the feelings are feeding her.

 

I know you are coming out further and further away from her as time moves on and I'm proud of you man but until you look at that number and decide to hit the 'ignore' or just let it ring and instantly delete that voice mail, it will continue to grow and keep you from moving on and living the life you want post affair without her once and for all.

 

I did something similar with my social networking sites the first month out of the affair, I kept my facebook active and didn't block the chance of xMW adding me or looking for me but I guarantee you that when I did a search and found a profile picture of a couple together the emotions and anger were in full-swing and I knew if I didn't block her, I would be tempted.

 

And not tempted to contact but tempted to respond knowing that she may one day look me up again. I won't give her that opportunity because I will not allow myself to be drawn back in, I hurt too much after giving so much of myself away. Keeping the hurt from returning, I took the option away.

 

Don't give yourself away anymore man, just ignore the calls at the very least...don't lose sight of the man you're destined to become when you're happily with someone who loves you free and clear.

 

-FC

Edited May 12, 2011 by FightClub

[no1uknow]

'I love you but I can't be with you' - I hate this statement !

- Are you in Guantanamo or is someone guarding you with guns for not being able to be with me..?

 

I hear you. Man, do I hear you.

[silverplanets]

Ok Chris, I may sound stubborn, but I'm not going to change my number or any other media because I am afraid of her calling me once in a while.

 

I'm not for the stick-the-head-in-the-sand policy. I just want to face it and deal with it like an adult. Yes she is weak and she misses my attention once in a while. I'm just not going to give her what she wants, period.

 

Hi East,

 

No you don't sound stubborn ... just you are at where you are at :)

 

I'm speaking from a lot further down the line and from that perspective what stands out is that you are given her exactly what she wants.

 

She's getting energy from you - hence why you feel ****e after these episodes and she will be feeling re-charged again.

 

Playing this game suits her .. she gets all she ever wanted from you (drama and validation) without even having to have the physical bother of a relationship.

 

I came to eventually realise that my xMW didn't need our relationship to be real or not real .. what she needed was to have "stuff" going on in her life ... so if we broke up/argued/were on nc/fought etc etc it was all good for her because the drama made her feel "real" as a person. Drama is the light of attention .. and for some people to live without the light of attention is the most difficult thing imagineable.

 

Realising this forced me to look at myself and ask myself why I needed the drama - after all, if I was allowing it to happen then I must need it at some level.

 

I put in the hard time to work myself out and found a few big holes buried deep inside me. Once I had done this I didn't need to obtain external motivation/validation any more.

 

I guess I repeat now what I always do repeat. Your responsibility is to understand why you are keeping the drama going. Her responsibliity is her.

Focusing on her behaviour is looking entirely in the wrong place - you are not responsible for her behaviour.

 

What you are responsible for is choosing to keep that number - and hence your part in the drama dynamic.

 

I'm not criticising though. It took me a long time to work all this out. As I sad you are at where you are at .. and perhaps one has to work through all these stages until there's an audible click and one realises ... "aha ... I am still giving my energy away" etc etc

 

You're doing great and I'm not going to make you feel bad for that, so please take a big pat on the back from me and hope that you keep going on the path that you are

 

take care

Chris

[East7]

I came to eventually realise that my xMW didn't need our relationship to be real or not real .. what she needed was to have "stuff" going on in her life ... so if we broke up/argued/were on nc/fought etc etc it was all good for her because the drama made her feel "real" as a person. Drama is the light of attention .. and for some people to live without the light of attention is the most difficult thing imagineable.

take care

Chris

 

I understand the idea of sucked energy. Yes it still affects me, it upsets me. Even if I don't react like before. Former-East would be sucked back and resume the emotional A, the new one just pushes it away with anger. I'm not at the indifference stage yet though the "feeling of love" is not there anymore. It feels like something is dead forever and when I look back at what was "us" I feel so damn sad.

 

Afterall, what did I lose ? Objectively nothing ! I lost a second-class, painful and humiliating relationship. Affairs are just so humiliating ! Why settle for someone else's wife? I had no pleasure of winning her over her H, instead I had the taste of humiliation every time she would go back to him. Despite that, it still hurts !

No matter how crumb-relationship it was, something we hoped for, put all our soul in and never had, does hurt.

 

As for the drama you are right. The married AP have a big void in their hearts, they aren't happy, they need something exiting to fill their mundane life and some drama to keep their brain busy unless they get deadly depressed and bored.

 

Thanks for your insight Chris.

[Confused4Now]

I understand the idea of sucked energy. Yes it still affects me, it upsets me. Even if I don't react like before. Former-East would be sucked back and resume the emotional A, the new one just pushes it away with anger. I'm not at the indifference stage yet though the "feeling of love" is not there anymore. It feels like something is dead forever and when I look back at what was "us" I feel so damn sad.

 

Afterall, what did I lose ? Objectively nothing ! I lost a second-class, painful and humiliating relationship. Affairs are just so humiliating ! Why settle for someone else's wife? I had no pleasure of winning her over her H, instead I had the taste of humiliation every time she would go back to him. Despite that, it still hurts !

No matter how crumb-relationship it was, something we hoped for, put all our soul in and never had, does hurt.

 

As for the drama you are right. The married AP have a big void in their hearts, they aren't happy, they need something exiting to fill their mundane life and some drama to keep their brain busy unless they get deadly depressed and bored.

 

Thanks for your insight Chris.

Good post East...I can relate to this...I just wouldn't respond to xAP. Stay strong and keep moving forward.

[betterdeal]

Anger is a secondary emotion, and usually comes after fear. It's there to protect us from danger, from attackers. It's a sign that we're afraid of something. Put a definite defence between you and the thing that triggers your angry response, and you will feel safer, better, more relaxed.

[Gotti25]

lol why dont you throw her down the curb. I would not respond at all! Wtf you doing answering your phone?

[Seeker Sam]

what did I lose ? Objectively nothing ! I lost a second-class, painful and humiliating relationship. Affairs are just so humiliating! ... No matter how crumb-relationship it was, something we hoped for, put all our soul in and never had, does hurt.

 

Yes, this! I know logically that there was nothing but heartache in it for me; the pain of waiting and wondering; the phone calls I couldn't make etc. etc. Its a completely crappy kind of non-relationship. Which unfortunately just makes it worse that I was willing to put up with that, even for a short time, it exposes to me what I don't want to see - the level of my own low self-worth and need. And yet as good as it is OTOH for it to be over, it definitely does hurt. Its agony.

[betterdeal]

I keep misreading "fishing" when I see this thread's title...