flowergirl77 Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Hello all LS peoples! I have not been on here in months, as I just got to the point that I was feeling so stuck in my misery and had nothing new to say. I am happy to say my HB and I are together and things are finally improving and we are making progress-BUT it has not been without more challenges! Last month my HB Mom passed away very suddenly and we had a 5 day separation during that time. Things reached a new emotionally charged state and I felt like I could not take it any more-I wanted out. We both saw lawyers and were heading for divorce full speed ahead. I saw the fear, heartbreak, and confusion on my 6 year old daughters face when I tried to explain "Mommy and Daddy won't be living in the same house anymore." Long story short, I couldn't go through with it, and we both came to the realization that we don't want that for our family, and we want to stay together if at all possible, and we have both recommited to the MG. We both have been in IC and have had some MC. I am pursuing my own interests finally, and am taking schooling to become a Registered Professional Counselor. I have always wanted to pursue this carrer goal...and now nothing is stopping me. I hope to some day help other couples stay together when facing challenges, and be inspiration to others. I have had zero contact with the xOM..he moved 2 hours out of town and I don't have to fear running into him somewhere. I think of him with fondness, and have no hard feelings toward him, but I have let it go and I feel I have moved past it FINALLY. The affair fallout has been one of the worst things I (and my HB) have been through. If I could warn anybody in an affair, I would say this: It may seem like the answer because it feels so good at the time. It feels like it is all that matters and you can't imagine not being with this person, BUT when it all comes crashing down (and it always does!) the fallout is horrendous pain and anguish for all involved. Without fail, someone will be hurt by it-even the one involved in the A will suffer great pain.Deal with the problems in your MG and within yourself-don't comfort in someone outside of the MG. It is not the answer!! After DDay, what you will be left with is like the aftermath of a natural disaster. The emotional equivalent of what you see on tv, when there is stuff scattered and destroyed everywhere. You can't imagine how life will ever be normal again.You have to find your way out of the rubble, and pain, and face the consequences of your choices and actions. It is an experience of which I have learned many lessons, and I feel I had to come to this point to really take an honest look at myself and my marriage and where I was headed if I continue on that path. I also came to the realization, that in my lifetime I have engaged in several "mini emotional affairs", none that lead to what this one did-but I have a history that I need to face and deal with so I do not carry on these unhealthy ways any longer. Lessons learned thus far: 1. I am 100% responsible for creating my own happiness. My husband is the icing on the cake, and is also responsible for his own happiness. 2. I am 100% responsible for my own attitude. 3. My emotions DO NOT have to control my actions. (This one is HUGE) 4. I can not change my HB, but I can influence him to be a better husband and father through my actions and how I speak to him. 5. MARRIAGE IS HARD WORK. You have to work at it constantly and remain aware-or the love will die. 6. Just because it feels way too hard and painful to be together, and one (or both) of you want to RUN in the opposite direction -doesn't automatically mean the marriage should end. 7. Divorce doesn't mean you will be happier in the end. Why not do all you can to fix the marriage you are in before on deciding ending it? There will always be problems in other relationships-you are just trading problems for more problems. Especially if there are children involved. 8. BOTH partners need to be willing to change and grow, or progress will be minimal, if any. You have to be willing to work on yourself individually, as well as how you relate to one another in the relationship. Well, I better stop before this becomes a book. I hope this gives somebody, somewhere out there some hope for their situations. Cheers
ShatteredReality Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 I am happy to say my HB and I are together and things are finally improving and we are making progress-BUT it has not been without more challenges! GREAT to hear!! Last month my HB Mom passed away very suddenly and we had a 5 day separation during that time. Things reached a new emotionally charged state and I felt like I could not take it any more-I wanted out. We both saw lawyers and were heading for divorce full speed ahead. I saw the fear, heartbreak, and confusion on my 6 year old daughters face when I tried to explain "Mommy and Daddy won't be living in the same house anymore." Long story short, I couldn't go through with it, and we both came to the realization that we don't want that for our family, and we want to stay together if at all possible, and we have both recommited to the MG. I know that feeling - wanting out again....then not being able to go through with it...glad you didn't though and kudos to you both for recommitting! I know how difficult that can be!! We both have been in IC and have had some MC. I am pursuing my own interests finally, and am taking schooling to become a Registered Professional Counselor. I have always wanted to pursue this carrer goal...and now nothing is stopping me. I hope to some day help other couples stay together when facing challenges, and be inspiration to others. Awesome! So...what all is involved in that type of schooling?? I have considered taking a route like that...but I have also thought about going my original route of interpreting....It's so important to the recovery of BOTH of you that you each take care of yourselves! After DDay, what you will be left with is like the aftermath of a natural disaster. The emotional equivalent of what you see on tv, when there is stuff scattered and destroyed everywhere. You can't imagine how life will ever be normal again.You have to find your way out of the rubble, and pain, and face the consequences of your choices and actions. It IS like a natural disaster!! Except that it's human caused...but same results...I might steal that comparison in the future if that is ok.... Lessons learned thus far: 1. I am 100% responsible for creating my own happiness. My husband is the icing on the cake, and is also responsible for his own happiness. 2. I am 100% responsible for my own attitude. 3. My emotions DO NOT have to control my actions. (This one is HUGE) 4. I can not change my HB, but I can influence him to be a better husband and father through my actions and how I speak to him. 5. MARRIAGE IS HARD WORK. You have to work at it constantly and remain aware-or the love will die. 6. Just because it feels way too hard and painful to be together, and one (or both) of you want to RUN in the opposite direction -doesn't automatically mean the marriage should end. 7. Divorce doesn't mean you will be happier in the end. Why not do all you can to fix the marriage you are in before on deciding ending it? There will always be problems in other relationships-you are just trading problems for more problems. Especially if there are children involved. 8. BOTH partners need to be willing to change and grow, or progress will be minimal, if any. You have to be willing to work on yourself individually, as well as how you relate to one another in the relationship. Well, I better stop before this becomes a book. I hope this gives somebody, somewhere out there some hope for their situations. Cheers These lessons are invaluable. So glad you took the time to share them with all of us. I am new to your story and therefore don't know all of it...but wanted to jump in and say YAY for you and keep up the good progress....it takes time and effort and it NEVER fully ends (working on yourself and with eachother to make a marriage work) - but I think it can be made worth it if both people come around and work together
Bryanp Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 You think of your OM with fondness and have no hard feelings toward him? This OM had no problem cheating with a married woman and was instrumental in almost destroying your marriage, your husband and your family and put you all through hell. What is wrong with this picture?
What_Next Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 You think of your OM with fondness and have no hard feelings toward him? This OM had no problem cheating with a married woman and was instrumental in almost destroying your marriage, your husband and your family and put you all through hell. What is wrong with this picture? You took the words right out of my mouth. Unless there is something to this story that I am missing, which in reading your post it almost seems like there is.
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