Kind s :)

[Irishlove]

Now that MM and I are getting our divorces for our own reasons and long discussions. We were talking about when to make it official for us. Of course after the divorces are gone through. My lease is up at the end of the year. I said lets move back in together around that time. He wants to get married since thats what this was about being in love only with each other for all these years. We don't want a huge wedding but would like our friends and family to be there all of which are happy. They know us both AND our ex's and are glad we are finally together.

Is right away too soon? We have already lived together once. The other parties have had a year to prepare. I'd like my children to see that this is the next step. Him and I have been dating for some time now. It's been great although we'd much rather stay at home and watch movies and be in comfy clothes. What are your opinions. No negative nellies.

[26pointblue]

I'm confused because I thought based on some earlier recent posts of yours that you & MM had broken up? If you are back together then I would say just be patient & establish a normal dating relationship to break the affair dynamic & then see if you feel like getting married- if so, it will be even better once time has passed & you know it's the real deal & not just a product of the rollercoaster affair emotions. You both probably need some space between marriages. Good luck!

[Irishlove]

I'm confused because I thought based on some earlier recent posts of yours that you & MM had broken up? If you are back together then I would say just be patient & establish a normal dating relationship to break the affair dynamic & then see if you feel like getting married- if so, it will be even better once time has passed & you know it's the real deal & not just a product of the rollercoaster affair emotions. You both probably need some space between marriages. Good luck!

We did but when we got back together I was seeing if it would go back or if anything had changed to announce it and he has changed alot of things. I've had eight years in between my marriage if not more. I never lived with my H. He was an alcoholic and out of my house.

I told him to be by himself but he is also living on his own and away from his soon to be ex. It will be six to eight months before a marriage. That's resonable don't you think?

[26pointblue]

We did but when we got back together I was seeing if it would go back or if anything had changed to announce it and he has changed alot of things. I've had eight years in between my marriage if not more. I never lived with my H. He was an alcoholic and out of my house.

I told him to be by himself but he is also living on his own and away from his soon to be ex. It will be six to eight months before a marriage. That's resonable don't you think?

 

Sorry that I'm not familiar with the whole story, so, going by what I know of your recent volatile history with this guy I would say to take things sloooow & be very sure he is now the right guy for you to marry. There is no harm in waiting but there could be a lot of harm in jumping right into something that you were very glad to be out of just a little bit ago. I know things have changed & that's good but I think you need time to see if they are really going to stay changed & how he is really going to act from now on. Good luck.

[jwi71]

Now that MM and I are getting our divorces for our own reasons and long discussions. We were talking about when to make it official for us. Of course after the divorces are gone through. My lease is up at the end of the year. I said lets move back in together around that time. He wants to get married since thats what this was about being in love only with each other for all these years. We don't want a huge wedding but would like our friends and family to be there all of which are happy. They know us both AND our ex's and are glad we are finally together.

Is right away too soon? We have already lived together once. The other parties have had a year to prepare. I'd like my children to see that this is the next step. Him and I have been dating for some time now. It's been great although we'd much rather stay at home and watch movies and be in comfy clothes. What are your opinions. No negative nellies.

 

When my MM went on a business trip I met a very nice guy. One that would be very good for me. My heart belongs to my MM still. I know my MM is divorcing because they are dividing things up. I've explained to him that I love him more than anything but I have others that are pursueing me and I'm not sure if waiting for him is wasting my time. If he wants me he needs to get the divorce process ball rolling, if not I'm not believing a word that comes out of his mouth. Now he is going on another trip for a week which leaves me here dating the new guy while nothing on the divorce end is getting done.

I know he can tell I'm pulling back away from him because I've had smoke blown up my rear for way too long and now this go around he needs to speed things up if he wants me. I am a dang good catch. I love him but I love me more.

Its also nice to have the newer guy. He held my hand, he was SO proud to be with him. He said he liked showing me off and watching other guys stare at me. He's never been married, no kids and would love to have that. He is handome and funny and says the sweetest things. Already he has taken me on a long romantic bike ride, offered to buy me this great shirt to ride on the back of his bike with. None of which the MM has done.

I HAVE to know the MM is done and he says he is not and to please believe him he is going as fast as he can and he is always asking if I really love him. I say of course I do but I'm not waiting.

I don't know what to do.

 

I thought he was. But it seems as if the same games are being played. He thinks the old tricks are going to work. Buying us a phone to keep in touch. I know he has access to his profile on a certain network and he puts her and him up. Yea they seem real over. I think the new guy is going to get a real chance for sure. I'm honestly too good of a girl to be toyed with. I love with all my heart and he (mm) has tore it to shreds and I think still doesn't care.

 

Now he feels sorry for himself is saying crap like he loves his wife? He's NEVER said that. He said he owes her. This sounds like HER talking. He said his feelings have changed. How do you go from wanting to marrying me a few weeks ago and not living without me to this? I'm numb.

 

He doesn't like anything about her. He complains she stinks, shes not intimate, everyone says she's a biotch. Did he have an epiphany? I didn't do anything to be treated like this. In fact he started this entire bs. I'm adiment about seeing him in person. I want him to tell me face to face it's done and he no longer has feelings for me.

 

IS this part of the cheating? I'm sick to my stomach. This isn't the person I know. I don't love this person. Where did HE go? What happend? I didn't do anything wrong for his feelings to change. She is the same hag.

 

How soon we forget so I quoted a few posts of yours...not even 30 DAYS old.

 

Sorry, but I see NOTHING positive about this at all. IMO, this is NOT a healthy R.

 

I guess my advice would be to finalize your D's.

Then spend a year dating - and for God's sake isolate your kids from this drama. I would also recommended family therapy for your kids to help them adjust to the 1) loss of one parent in the D and 2) the introduction of step-daddy (presuming you guys last that long).

Then, allow "step-daddy to be" into the family therapy sessions to ease the transition for the kids.

Then get married.

 

But honestly, this is one hot mess you have.

[Irishlove]

you are planning to marry a man that's not divorced, is bipolar and threw you under a bus?

You'd like your children to see dysfunctional?

He threw me under a bus?

[26pointblue]

Yeah, re-reading your old posts reminds me of how all-over-the-place this guy is & your own thoughts about him are. Why in the world would you even think of marrying him at this point? I think that if you are willing to open yourself up to being hurt by him again, then keep a good memory of what he did to you in the past & keep your eyes wide open for a long time to make sure he is sincere now. And don't even think of marrying him or introducing him to your kids for a long time, until the dust has settled & you see what his true intentions backed up by actions really are. He could easily decide he wants to start seeing someone else once his divorce is final. I'm not saying I hope this happens or trying to discourage you, I just want you to keep a realistic perspective on what has happened recently & how you really shouldn't put so much faith in him again so soon.

[Irishlove]

How soon we forget so I quoted a few posts of yours...not even 30 DAYS old.

 

Sorry, but I see NOTHING positive about this at all. IMO, this is NOT a healthy R.

 

I guess my advice would be to finalize your D's.

Then spend a year dating - and for God's sake isolate your kids from this drama. I would also recommended family therapy for your kids to help them adjust to the 1) loss of one parent in the D They went to therapy and I was told thier loyalty lies with me and not thier father since to them he abandoned themand 2) the introduction of step-daddy (presuming you guys last that long).We have already lived together and we were all very happy

Then, allow "step-daddy to be" into the family therapy sessions to ease the transition for the kids. He has grown children and he is wonderful with them and great with mine

Then get married.

 

But honestly, this is one hot mess you have.

I understand what you are reading and I quizzed him about all of the above. I had to put myself in his shoes. He was scared about change. It's a big step to realize your marriage is crap and what you've been in isn't what you've wanted. When he said he had to be with his wife, she was on the phone with him. He was very confused. He has been seeing a counselor/therapist throughout all this for over a year.

My gosh I was up and down and all over the place as well. This isn't what either of us had expected or have ever done before.

 

We dated twenty years ago and loved each other back then but it just wasn't the right time. I was too busy being wild and doing my band thing. Life has slowed us both down. We are only dating. I've talked with the children. I'm pretty smart and I'm watching his actions believe me! I'm not ready to bring the kids around the both of us yet.

 

I want papers signed on both ends.

 

I could have him move in right now if I wanted and he would come. I won't allow it again. I told him slow it down. He needs to get us a home and we do things the right way. I believe we will be together. We both want happiness, we don't want to hurt anyone so we are doing the best we can. When you love someone you want the rest of your life to start now.

 

Thank you for your advice.

[Irishlove]

Yeah, re-reading your old posts reminds me of how all-over-the-place this guy is & your own thoughts about him are. Why in the world would you even think of marrying him at this point? I think that if you are willing to open yourself up to being hurt by him again, then keep a good memory of what he did to you in the past & keep your eyes wide open for a long time to make sure he is sincere now. And don't even think of marrying him or introducing him to your kids for a long time, until the dust has settled & you see what his true intentions backed up by actions really are. He could easily decide he wants to start seeing someone else once his divorce is final. I'm not saying I hope this happens or trying to discourage you, I just want you to keep a realistic perspective on what has happened recently & how you really shouldn't put so much faith in him again so soon.

I agree. I have asked him if he wanted to date around or be a single man once his divorce is final and he said no, he loves me. He is really a one woman man as ironic as that sounds. He was with her over twenty years. I was in a twelve year. Neither of us are big on sleeping around. My eyes and ears are WIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDEEEE open my friend (hugs) thank you.

[26pointblue]

I understand what you are reading and I quizzed him about all of the above. I had to put myself in his shoes. He was scared about change. It's a big step to realize your marriage is crap and what you've been in isn't what you've wanted. When he said he had to be with his wife, she was on the phone with him. He was very confused. He has been seeing a counselor/therapist throughout all this for over a year.

My gosh I was up and down and all over the place as well. This isn't what either of us had expected or have ever done before.

 

We dated twenty years ago and loved each other back then but it just wasn't the right time. I was too busy being wild and doing my band thing. Life has slowed us both down. We are only dating. I've talked with the children. I'm pretty smart and I'm watching his actions believe me! I'm not ready to bring the kids around the both of us yet.

 

I want papers signed on both ends.

 

I could have him move in right now if I wanted and he would come. I won't allow it again. I told him slow it down. He needs to get us a home and we do things the right way. I believe we will be together. We both want happiness, we don't want to hurt anyone so we are doing the best we can. When you love someone you want the rest of your life to start now.

 

Thank you for your advice.

 

Okay, all of that is good reason to take things slow & I'm glad you are. :-) I say don't even think about marriage or even moving in together for quite some time.

 

If he is afraid of change then he is probalby afraid to living on his own because he's not used to it. But sometimes the hardest things are the best things for us & he may not even know that he needs to do that in order to become more independent & strong & healthy, thereby strengthening your future relationship.

[bentnotbroken]

Yup. I can see exposing my kids on a regular basis to this person as soon as possible.

[26pointblue]

I agree. I have asked him if he wanted to date around or be a single man once his divorce is final and he said no, he loves me. He is really a one woman man as ironic as that sounds. He was with her over twenty years. I was in a twelve year. Neither of us are big on sleeping around. My eyes and ears are WIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDEEEE open my friend (hugs) thank you.

 

I understand, my xMM was also with his wife for that long & was afraid of change & said he was a one-woman man [although I think the ironic thing is that once he has the complete devotion & love from one woman, he mistreats her, lies to her & either comes close to cheating or does cheat on her - so he wants the security of a stable monogamous relationship & wants {at least} one woman to constantly fawn over him but he cannot be faithful & good to her in his heart because of his own issues.] So this is why I warn you to be careful. You may not be happy being his one woman, just a thought. Just keep your eyes open & I wish the best.

[jwi71]

I understand what you are reading and I quizzed him about all of the above. I had to put myself in his shoes. He was scared about change. It's a big step to realize your marriage is crap and what you've been in isn't what you've wanted. When he said he had to be with his wife, she was on the phone with him. He was very confused. He has been seeing a counselor/therapist throughout all this for over a year.

My gosh I was up and down and all over the place as well. This isn't what either of us had expected or have ever done before.

 

We dated twenty years ago and loved each other back then but it just wasn't the right time. I was too busy being wild and doing my band thing. Life has slowed us both down. We are only dating. I've talked with the children. I'm pretty smart and I'm watching his actions believe me! I'm not ready to bring the kids around the both of us yet.

 

I want papers signed on both ends.

 

I could have him move in right now if I wanted and he would come. I won't allow it again. I told him slow it down. He needs to get us a home and we do things the right way. I believe we will be together. We both want happiness, we don't want to hurt anyone so we are doing the best we can. When you love someone you want the rest of your life to start now.

 

Thank you for your advice.

 

Irish,

 

How can you say you love and want him in your life and then turn to "new guy"? What happened to him anyway?

 

How can your MM say he wants to marry you then say he loves his W and owes her?

 

Does that sound like the thoughts and actions of people who are committed to each other?

 

Not to be mean or attacking, but to me, it seems like you are desperately looking to NOT be alone. There's the MM, then "new guy", now back to MM...that doesn't say true love and commitment to me. It seems more like using each other as salves - not a good thing IMO.

 

Be very careful moving forward - it is still, clearly, a very volatile situation. Don't rush. Stop. Take a breath. Thoughtfully move forward.

 

Have you considered couples counseling with him?

[whichwayisup]

Now that MM and I are getting our divorces for our own reasons and long discussions. We were talking about when to make it official for us. Of course after the divorces are gone through. My lease is up at the end of the year. I said lets move back in together around that time. He wants to get married since thats what this was about being in love only with each other for all these years. We don't want a huge wedding but would like our friends and family to be there all of which are happy. They know us both AND our ex's and are glad we are finally together.

Is right away too soon? We have already lived together once. The other parties have had a year to prepare. I'd like my children to see that this is the next step. Him and I have been dating for some time now. It's been great although we'd much rather stay at home and watch movies and be in comfy clothes. What are your opinions. No negative nellies.

 

Take your time..Get out of the affair dynamic and start fresh. DATE! Do sleep overs, but don't move in yet. Get to know him as a 'single man' and you as a 'single woman'.

 

I say this with respect, but I do recall not too long ago some bad stuff went on, you were really hurting badly. All that stuff, the way he treated you, that dynamic, doesn't go away in a week or a month. Behaviours and habits HAVE to change if your new relationship as single folks is going to work.

 

What's the rush to get married?

[bentnotbroken]

Someone wrote me and told me how you were talking about me on another site. SO go ahead and do it. You are sad sad pathedic people and I find you highly amusing.

 

 

Who are you talking about? and what site?

[carrie999]

Take your time..Get out of the affair dynamic and start fresh. DATE! Do sleep overs, but don't move in yet. Get to know him as a 'single man' and you as a 'single woman'.

 

I say this with respect, but I do recall not too long ago some bad stuff went on, you were really hurting badly. All that stuff, the way he treated you, that dynamic, doesn't go away in a week or a month. Behaviours and habits HAVE to change if your new relationship as single folks is going to work.

 

What's the rush to get married?

 

Seconded...all of it. I think you need to give your kids some time to adjust, even if you're set on marrying him. Focus on yourself and your kids from now, and date him.

 

He clearly needs some time, too. You can just date him for the time being. I don't know how old your kids are, but it's going to be weird for them to have someone new sleeping with you.

 

I dated someone who had been separated for and officially divorced three years before we dated and eventually moved in together. He was very wary about allowing me to become part of their lives when our relationship was still new and evolving. After living with him for well over a year, I was frustrated that things were moving so slowly with his kids, but I respected his decision to put them first. Ultimately, we didn't work out, so his instincts were right all along. Put your kids and yourself first, then worry about your relationship with him.

 

Things between you have been tumultuous enough that it's not time to commit to him so fully just yet. You have a very good head on your shoulders, and have shown a lot of insight and strength thus far. Re-read your own words from the past month or more. Take time alone to meditate on those thoughts. Then move ahead in whatever direction you choose very slowly.

 

If it's meant to be, it WILL work out. Rushing it implies fear rather than careful decision-making. Slow down. You'll only end up pressuring yourself and him, and vice versa. You have the rest of your lives together. What's the hurry?

[Emme]

I think you should give your children more time to adjust. I know it's the next step for them but you still have to deal with making them feel secure. Making them feel that they matter and that they come first. I say after 6 months try to integrate them meeting in settings not in the home. I know that will be hard but ease into this. Children hold on to a lot of guilt, blame and anger. Don't dive into the frying pan. After 6 months let them build a bond with the gentlemen first before you prance your love for him in front of them. I wish you all the best.

[pureinheart]

Hi IL, I don't know all of the details of your past with MM, although this thread got me caught up enough to understand the key points.

 

WWIU gave me the same advice, although I was too impatient to listen...a bit of my background: had an EA with best friend/MM, went NC after a year or so, he and his W separated after about 6 mo, they filed for D about 5 mo after that, we got together and split up 5 million times during a 3 yr D, he's been D for over a yr now.

 

Ok, given what I have heard on this thread, he has some issues. You seem to be fine. He is going through a lot and reacting to the stress involved (or did).

 

In my case, MM wanted out of the M, although did not know how to go about it. It was a 30 yr M with 4 grown kids. He knew no matter what he'd be the bad guy. They had a horrible, turbulent M and it was extremely abusive (I don't know what your situations were like, so some of my opinion is based on my experience).

 

Even (IMO) with the best case senarios he still may go through some stuff...so I would avise to guard yourself, the more that is involved with this D, the more I would guard myself.

 

I wanted to support my friend, although I was not the person that should have done that or even attemped, it was his D and he felt I was responsible and I wasn't...I walked away from him so that there would be no more division...regardless, he chose the D, not me

 

He went through a lot of anger, resentment and hatred due to happenings in the M and his childhood and most of that got taken out on me. I didn't understand what was going on...what was all of this turmoil...I really thought things would be ok now that he was free...

 

He's still priddy messed up, and I don't think he knows any other way to be unfortunately, but that's ok, he's got that right.

 

I have learned much from this and I certainly don't try to "fix" people anymore...my truth is my truth and I don't have a thing to prove. I hate arguing because arguing is arrogant and controlling in some cases. Now I speak my peace and vacate...whoever wants to can argue with themselves.

 

I totally understand you both have waited, and want to go to the next level...although people in general have become impatient...I've screwed myself out of some really good stuff due to impatience.

 

I think waiting is the right thing...and I think your a wonderful parent BTW and the comments on the first page were extremely uncalled for. If you weren't a good parent you wouldn't be seeking support and asking questions or opinions...nobody knows your specific situation but you, and we all make mistakes...the biggest mistake IMO is not having the ability to see that we are all capable of mistakes...