I hate myself so much

[Okuhou]

I cheated. I know I messed up. Looking back on everything it was stupid... We started out so amazingly and I felt so loved... Then he drifted away and didn't seem to want me around or love me like he used to. He used to send me letters when I was in basic training and I can't even read them and haven't because every time I did it felt like it was someone else who wasn't around anymore. Like they died or something. I kept everything together for a year and a half feeling like I wasn't worth while to him and he didn't want to take care of me like he had promised. Like we had talked about before. It was like "I laid down everything I needed and you let me down." I kept trying to tell him but I couldn't seem to get my point across. How dire I felt...

 

So I make friends with a guy I worked with... He saw what I was going through with getting my Husband over to a different country and I talked to him a lot about what I was going through... Then he saw everything that happened once he got here. How much I loved my husband and how much I felt like my husband didn't love me. And he's not even the only one that pointed it out. After about a year and a half it got to be too much for me and I started to sort of hear what my friend was telling me... My husband didn't care about me and that maybe he wasn't ready to be married to me and maybe he needed to grow up... I tried to talk to him about everything but I couldn't seem to find the right words to get him to understand how upset I was/am or I felt like he wasn't taking me seriously. I still feel that way even though he tells me I can tell him things.

 

Before my friend left for his next assignment I cheated. I hate what I did. I hate how wrong I was. Needless to say my husband found out. I was going to stay quiet and try to put it behind me. Keep him from being upset. Keep him from being hurt. He found out and he hates me for it. Well maybe not hate. The hating part is off and on. I just want everything to go back to how they were when I was in basic. When we were so happy and everything looked so bright.

 

I know this is long, I haven't really read other posts yet to see how long they usually go... I just needed to get this out... To talk to someone. I have literally no friends now. Especially females. All the female 'friends' I have I take care of. I try to talk to them but for the most part they're going through their own things and can't understand/don't really care to listen. I feel completely alone.

[John Michael Kane]

I cheated. I know I messed up. Looking back on everything it was stupid... We started out so amazingly and I felt so loved... Then he drifted away and didn't seem to want me around or love me like he used to. He used to send me letters when I was in basic training and I can't even read them and haven't because every time I did it felt like it was someone else who wasn't around anymore. Like they died or something. I kept everything together for a year and a half feeling like I wasn't worth while to him and he didn't want to take care of me like he had promised. Like we had talked about before. It was like "I laid down everything I needed and you let me down." I kept trying to tell him but I couldn't seem to get my point across. How dire I felt...

 

So I make friends with a guy I worked with... He saw what I was going through with getting my Husband over to a different country and I talked to him a lot about what I was going through... Then he saw everything that happened once he got here. How much I loved my husband and how much I felt like my husband didn't love me. And he's not even the only one that pointed it out. After about a year and a half it got to be too much for me and I started to sort of hear what my friend was telling me... My husband didn't care about me and that maybe he wasn't ready to be married to me and maybe he needed to grow up... I tried to talk to him about everything but I couldn't seem to find the right words to get him to understand how upset I was/am or I felt like he wasn't taking me seriously. I still feel that way even though he tells me I can tell him things.

 

Before my friend left for his next assignment I cheated. I hate what I did. I hate how wrong I was. Needless to say my husband found out. I was going to stay quiet and try to put it behind me. Keep him from being upset. Keep him from being hurt. He found out and he hates me for it. Well maybe not hate. The hating part is off and on. I just want everything to go back to how they were when I was in basic. When we were so happy and everything looked so bright.

 

I know this is long, I haven't really read other posts yet to see how long they usually go... I just needed to get this out... To talk to someone. I have literally no friends now. Especially females. All the female 'friends' I have I take care of. I try to talk to them but for the most part they're going through their own things and can't understand/don't really care to listen. I feel completely alone.

 

You tried to hide it from him to save your own skin, not to "keep him from the pain," since you knew what you were doing was wrong in the first place. You're going to need to own your crap.

[Okuhou]

I didn't hide it to not own up. Believe me I considered telling him and was fighting with it when he found out about it. And having also been cheated on (obviously not by my husband) and having been told about it I was considering how I felt and how I figured he would feel which was a major road block to me telling him. I had wished so many times I could have just remained oblivious and happy.

 

Either way now it's not about if I told him or if I didn't. He knows. We're talking about it. My point wasn't to post this to get people to tell me how bad of a person I am. I can see that on my own and I can hear that from everyone that knows. My point was to know I'm not alone and that I'm not the only one to have made this mistake. To get reassurances that it is possible to over come this no matter how hard it is now. Not that I'm considering up and running just because it's too hard. No. I'm staying and living with what I did. I don't want the easy road out.

[John Michael Kane]

I didn't hide it to not own up.

 

Doesn't matter, hiding it is wrong irregardless.

 

My point was to know I'm not alone and that I'm not the only one to have made this mistake.

 

It was never a mistake.

[Okuhou]

It was a mistake. The definition of a mistake is an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc. Yeah. I was careless. I was stupid. I was wrong and you're darn right I knew it. And just like other MISTAKES be it marital ones that are obvious red flags like cheating or innocent things like cutting your finger while chopping food you learn from it. I've learned from it. I won't be putting my finger in front of the proverbial knife again. I'm not trying to claim innocence or justice in this.

 

All I want is to know it's not just me that has learned and that it is possible to deal with this.

[Flgirl44]

I didn't hide it to not own up. Believe me I considered telling him and was fighting with it when he found out about it. And having also been cheated on (obviously not by my husband) and having been told about it I was considering how I felt and how I figured he would feel which was a major road block to me telling him. I had wished so many times I could have just remained oblivious and happy.

 

I understand you are putting yourself in his shoes based on your own experience but out of respect for him it wasn't your decision to make, that's probably why he's mad. I know this will sound insulting but you have demonstrated by cheating that you aren't making good decisions. But yet you think you know what's best for him by not telling him to "protect" him. It's kind of patronizing.

 

How long has it been since he's found out?

[John Michael Kane]

It was a mistake.

 

No it was not and if you don't accept that, you'll lose your husband so fast before you even realized he actually left.

 

The definition of a mistake is an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.

I don't need a class session. The decision to have an affair is meticulously planned.

 

All I want is to know it's not just me that has learned and that it is possible to deal with this.

Yea but from your poor and careless behavior that led up to now (including having an emotional affair with the OM;talking to him about your marriage and letting him fill your head up with lies so he could get to you), your husband should be making most of the decisions right now so he can figure out what suits him best.

[jnj express]

As was said above---what you did was NOT A MISTAKE---what you did was planned, you had to go thru stop sign after stop sign to do what you did- and you thought about what you were doing every step of the way---you manipulated, you connived, you lied---there was nothing mistaken about your escapades

[bluevelvetkiss]

People want to be absolved of their bad decisions,n reputations and mistakes .... And I believe there is probably some hope in that for you if you can make an awesome come back in this by seeing commitment in a whole new way. But are you over the Other Person? Truly.... I mean if the opportunity arises again. Are going to fold and go there? Why should your partner believe this is just a once in a life time mistake? Oh my husband for example wanted to be forgiven and all forgotton but his behavior and pride still showed his confusion between me and her upon his return. His attitude and demeanor was so shakey He was either still attached to her somehow inside or just worried about me rejecting him and him ending up lonely. IDK. It was scary to believe in him again. After he was with the OW, he just wasn't the same. Experiences change people. So if you want it to work expect to prove yourself a whole lot and do it without worrying that your giving too much, much more then you ever have before. Lay yourself down..... And not to the point of abuse but to the point of becoming clean as white as snow with him! Straight up at all times and communicating everything that you need and don't be shy. Also be open and willing to please in return. Good luck to you!

[Okuhou]

@Flgirl44 It's been about three months... And I know it was a bad decision. We talked about the fact I didn't want to tell him and he did say that he was upset over the fact I didn't just come out and tell him and that I tried to keep up a front like nothing happened. I shouldn't have gone by what I would have wanted in his shoes and I admitted my guilt for that.

 

@John Michael Kane - As of now the ball is in my husband's court so to speak. I'm not pressuring him to stay or leave. I'd like him to stay but he gets to make that decision on his own. I sure as hell don't deserve to even ask that of him. And for now he chose to stay.

 

 

@jnj express - I didn't plan this crap out. I didn't sit there in the dark one night and think of how I could pull off the perfect affair. What I did was bad but it wasn't premeditated. I sure didn't show up to this guy's house asking him for action. Did I hide it? Heck yes I did. Did I lie? Yeah. But I didn't plan.

 

bluevelvetkiss - It won't be happening again. Honestly I haven't really been in the situation before enough to know the signs until it was too late and that was my own fault for not paying attention and thinking everything was fine. Me and the other guy don't talk and we haven't since my husband found out. I'm good without him. It is completely not worth it to risk the guy I love for the guy that can say pretty things once in a while when the mood fits. I know that now. We're working on our communication. Even though sometimes I don't want to talk because I know it'll lead to him getting mad and yelling at me or me feeling hurt or blown off I have been still trying to bring things up to him to talk about so this never happens again. I'm going to stay around and do what I have to to prove that I can be trusted again. Even if that takes years. Which in my opinion is fair. I sure wouldn't trust me right away either. Thank you

[Memphis Raines]

It was a mistake.

 

it was? so you are saying you really didn't want to cheat and it happened accidentally? he tripped and fell into your naked body?

 

call it a poor choice, but it wasn't a mistake. Cheaters call it a mistake as to downplay their horrible actions.

 

 

The definition of a mistake is an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc. Yeah. I was careless. I was stupid. I was wrong and you're darn right I knew it. And just like other MISTAKES be it marital ones that are obvious red flags like cheating or innocent things like cutting your finger while chopping food you learn from it. I've learned from it. I won't be putting my finger in front of the proverbial knife again. I'm not trying to claim innocence or justice in this.

 

it isn't a mistake because calling it a mistake again is to downplay what you did. its the whole "it was a mistake, I'm only human...blah blah blah"

 

If a woman cheated on me and tried to downplay by saying it was a mistake, the first words out of my mouth would be, "oh don't even"

[John Michael Kane]

@jnj express - I didn't plan this crap out. I didn't sit there in the dark one night and think of how I could pull off the perfect affair. What I did was bad but it wasn't premeditated. I sure didn't show up to this guy's house asking him for action. Did I hide it? Heck yes I did. Did I lie? Yeah. But I didn't plan.

 

So it "just happened." You just fell on his lap so to speak.

[Memphis Raines]

I didn't plan this crap out. I didn't sit there in the dark one night and think of how I could pull off the perfect affair. What I did was bad but it wasn't premeditated. I sure didn't show up to this guy's house asking him for action. Did I hide it? Heck yes I did. Did I lie? Yeah. But I didn't plan.

 

 

yeah, so what?

[jnj express]

Hey O-----so you didn't plan it---THEN HOW DID IT GET ACCOMPLISHED---there is planning, and/or thought IN EVERYTHING WE HUMANS DO

 

You knew darn well you were gonna do something, and you thought about ways to do it---that IS PLANNING

 

Or are you gonna tell us every single time was a spur of the moment-----

 

You just accidentally meant by chance

 

You just accidentally sent e-mails/texts/phone calls, and discussed getting together right---twas all pure accident

 

---- it all just happened---maybe a divine light came down from up above---and it directed you

 

It was planned---you knew what you wanted to do, and you did it---you wrecked another persons/other peoples lives-------Or are you gonna tell us that isn't happening either!!!!!!!

[Memphis Raines]

Hey O-----so you didn't plan it---THEN HOW DID IT GET ACCOMPLISHED

 

ya, just like I didn't plan to stop by McD's and get an egg McMuffin today, but as I drove by it looked so good, and I stopped in and got my satisfaction.

 

 

same with cheating. it doesn't make one rats ass difference if it was planned. it was desired and thats all that matters.

[love4me2c]

One of THE biggest mistakes I think people make is sharing private information about their marriage to others, especially to people of the opposite sex. One, it often opens the door for infidelity. Two, it removes the intimacy from your relationship with your spouse when you start talking about your relationship with others. This is a very destructive thing. Instead of talking with others, you should talk to your spouse.

 

Give your husband some space. SHOW him that you are committed to him. Ask your superiors to change shifts or move to a different base. Enlist a chaplain to assist you, if need be. Perhaps your husband will see your efforts and commitment to him and it may possibly save your marriage. Trust me, just because he hasn't left you yet, doesn't mean he won't. It took me 8 months, marriage counseling, etc. and I still left my WH. Good luck to you and your husband.

[TMCM]

Let's take the example of a drunk driver causing an accident where people get injured or killed. He/She may not have CONSCIOUSLY planned to harm others but he/she SUBCONSCIOUSLY didn't get a rat's a**. He/She may say to the judge that it was a mistake but the judge will dismiss that argument by reminding the offender that even before he/she started drinking, he/she KNEW that getting drunk and driving was a very dangerous choice.

 

I'm willing for a moment to take your word that you did not CONSCIOUSLY plan to have a ONS with the OM and that it was a mistake. But SUBCONSCIOUSLY you were planning to do the deed by talking about your marital problems with a man you were attracted to.

 

Technically speaking you may be right that it was a mistake but it in your situation it is nothing more than a euphemism that only serves to cover up the stench of something truly ugly and disgusting.

 

No matter what the outcome of your marriage turns out to be, I recommend that you consider seeking IC (individual counseling) to help you resolve your issues such as why you allowed yourself to cheat and why you lacked the courage to leave a loveless marriage before you cheated. You can divorce your husband but you can never divorce yourself from yourself.

Edited May 15, 2011 by TMCM
eta

[2.50 a gallon]

It was planned

 

In my dark days I was a predator who pursued MW for my sexual pleasure

 

The actions of the OM were right out of my play book, even the moving on part

[TMCM]

Don't you understand? OP's affair partner was a "predator" and she was his "victim." LOL.

 

Silly me, what do I know I'm just one of the cackling hens who should not be listened to according to our newest 'expert'

[2.50 a gallon]

FOF

 

Thank you for the compliment.

 

It is not everyday that a guy who is best described as short, skinny and wimping looking get pursued for sexual gratification

 

A common thread amongst the cheating wife scenario is they are trading down. It was certainly true with my case. All of their husbands were much taller than me, were suit wearing business men, with college degrees, while I was a T-shirt and jeans, college dropout, journeyman machine operator.

 

The lesson to be learned, is that the husbands did not see me as competion or a threat, and in the beginning neither did the wives, which is why they let their guard down. Unlike when dating a single woman, when becoming friends can kill a romance, when pursuing married women, that is the first goal you try to reach.

[Okuhou]

I think I'm a little confused as far as the point of this board... Silly me I thought it was a place to get point of views as and thoughts as far as what I could do to make things better past what I already did such as getting rid of the other guy and what not. I did what I did and I'm not sitting here trying to claim I didn't do it. I said I screwed up and I know it. I've said it to you people I've said it to my husband. I figured this was a place to not feel completely alone and to get a bit of hope. Didn't know I was asking for people I don't know to punish me further.

 

To the people that actually gave a crap past getting insulting... He's out. Not even at the same place as me. There's an ocean between us and we don't speak what so ever so that's not an issue. I'm checking out the options I have for counseling and me and my husband have been communicating a lot more. Even if that means he yells at me sometimes to get his frustrations of what I did out. I don't try to justify it to him or try to make excuses. He knows I regret it. And while most days are good there are slip ups where we fight... But we're dealing with it.

[TMCM]

Okuhou you may want to consider posting on the OM/OW forum as well.

[JaneyAmazed]

I think I'm a little confused as far as the point of this board... Silly me I thought it was a place to get point of views as and thoughts as far as what I could do to make things better past what I already did such as getting rid of the other guy and what not. I did what I did and I'm not sitting here trying to claim I didn't do it. I said I screwed up and I know it. I've said it to you people I've said it to my husband. I figured this was a place to not feel completely alone and to get a bit of hope. Didn't know I was asking for people I don't know to punish me further.

 

To the people that actually gave a crap past getting insulting... He's out. Not even at the same place as me. There's an ocean between us and we don't speak what so ever so that's not an issue. I'm checking out the options I have for counseling and me and my husband have been communicating a lot more. Even if that means he yells at me sometimes to get his frustrations of what I did out. I don't try to justify it to him or try to make excuses. He knows I regret it. And while most days are good there are slip ups where we fight... But we're dealing with it.

 

 

You don't need to defend yourself. There are enough people here that understand what you're going through. It's easy to judge people, and there's a lot of that on LS. Try to focus on the ones that are really trying to help you. One thing to remember -this is your life. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. There will always be people who doubt you or put you down, but you and your husband are capable of building a good marriage, one that's even better than before. Life is hard, and we go through things we never thought we'd have to. We do things we never thought we'd do, but through these times we have the opportunity to grow and change. You will even be able to help others going through the same thing. Don't punish yourself anymore. There are enough stories here on LS that prove that good people make poor decisions sometimes, but they can move forward and NOT let that mistake define them. Who cares what anyone else thinks? They don't walk in your shoes, they don't cry your tears, they don't feel your heartache.

Edited May 21, 2011 by JaneyAmazed

[Snowflower]

You don't need to defend yourself. There are enough people here that understand what you're going through. It's easy to judge people, and there's a lot of that on LS. Try to focus on the ones that are really trying to help you. One thing to remember -this is your life. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. There will always be people who doubt you or put you down, but you and your husband are capable of building a good marriage, one that's even better than before. Life is hard, and we go through things we never thought we'd have to. We do things we never thought we'd do, but through these times we have the opportunity to grow and change. You will even be able to help others going through the same thing. Don't punish yourself anymore. There are enough stories here on LS that prove that good people make poor decisions sometimes, but they can move forward and NOT let that mistake define them. Who cares what anyone else thinks? They don't walk in your shoes, they don't cry your tears, they don't feel your heartache.

 

I second this!

 

Okuhou, you have enough to deal with in trying to help your H through this.

 

Ignore the posts you don't find helpful although keep in mind that some of the harsh (not the abusive ones) posts often do have a grain of truth in them.

 

However, don't waste your time defending yourself here if you don't wish to. Save your energy for helping your husband through his rollercoaster of emotions.

 

It must be very difficult when there is distance between the two of you. I am writing this assuming you want to save your marriage.

[fooled once]

I cheated. I know I messed up. Looking back on everything it was stupid... We started out so amazingly and I felt so loved... Then he drifted away and didn't seem to want me around or love me like he used to. He used to send me letters when I was in basic training and I can't even read them and haven't because every time I did it felt like it was someone else who wasn't around anymore. Like they died or something. I kept everything together for a year and a half feeling like I wasn't worth while to him and he didn't want to take care of me like he had promised. Like we had talked about before. It was like "I laid down everything I needed and you let me down." I kept trying to tell him but I couldn't seem to get my point across. How dire I felt...

 

So I make friends with a guy I worked with... He saw what I was going through with getting my Husband over to a different country and I talked to him a lot about what I was going through... Then he saw everything that happened once he got here. How much I loved my husband and how much I felt like my husband didn't love me. And he's not even the only one that pointed it out. After about a year and a half it got to be too much for me and I started to sort of hear what my friend was telling me... My husband didn't care about me and that maybe he wasn't ready to be married to me and maybe he needed to grow up... I tried to talk to him about everything but I couldn't seem to find the right words to get him to understand how upset I was/am or I felt like he wasn't taking me seriously. I still feel that way even though he tells me I can tell him things.

 

Before my friend left for his next assignment I cheated. I hate what I did. I hate how wrong I was. Needless to say my husband found out. I was going to stay quiet and try to put it behind me. Keep him from being upset. Keep him from being hurt. He found out and he hates me for it. Well maybe not hate. The hating part is off and on. I just want everything to go back to how they were when I was in basic. When we were so happy and everything looked so bright.

 

I know this is long, I haven't really read other posts yet to see how long they usually go... I just needed to get this out... To talk to someone. I have literally no friends now. Especially females. All the female 'friends' I have I take care of. I try to talk to them but for the most part they're going through their own things and can't understand/don't really care to listen. I feel completely alone.

 

Please own your actions and stop trying to justify what you did (by saying your h didn't care for you enough). You could have separated or divorced, but you chose to cheat. i am glad your H found out because now he can have the truth so he can decide if he wants to forgive you or divorce you. If you felt he didn't care for you before, then you are really in for a shock because now he probably is having a very difficult time trying to even look at you.