Emotional affair? Getting married soon, lost trust. She is doing what now!?

[self_inflicted]

Hello everybody, I found this forum through a friend recommendation whom I call "Google". Seems like a great community and hopefully a few members will take interest in my story enough to offer their advice. ...Which is much appreciated in advance!

 

My fiancee "Jill" and I are due to get married in 5 months or so. We live together and she has a daughter that I am very close to. Our relationship started about a year ago and we became engaged toward the end of last year. I didn't know about what you are about to hear until after our engagement.

 

Jill has a very addictive personality. Her addictions include years of chemical and alcohol abuse which she told me about a few months into our relationship. A few months after our engagement though, I became aware that her trips were not to see her family, but rather to continue using. After many "discussions", she became clean of the chemicals. The alcohol abuse was still an issue, daily. She is a very functional alcoholic until one day she didn't return to work. Jill is now under her 2nd attempt in out-patient recovery (last was approx 2 years ago). Her attitude is very positive toward her recovery and I believe she can stay sober.

 

Now, though all of the above metioned, you can imagine the lies that went with all of this. The chemical abuse would take place at "Jim's" home who has been a friend since childhood... The drinking would take place at the apartment we live in together. Even though this is considered a disease, I have lost a lot of trust for her.

 

Now to the current problem... Jill has a friend, "Tom". Also another childhood friend. As far as I know, their relationship has always been just a friendship. Apparently they took it past this once and slept together. She doesn't seem to go out of her way to contact her friend Tom, but he trys to stay in pretty good contact with her though email. Tom still has feelings for her and since I have access to her email (she doesn't know, but my lack of trust has turned to this) I see that they end their emails with "love, ..." She doesn't seem to lead him on, but staying in contact I believe is not good.

 

Tom sent her an email awhile back displaying his love for her. She brushed this off and told him she is in a happy relationship with me. When he emails her now, he is still making comments that a person wouldn't say to just a friend. Apparently Tom called her at work the other day, Jill never told me about this. He had emailed her and commmented on how he was nervous to talk to her and that she should give him a call when they can meet and talk in more private. He states that he, "can't wait to see her" and as far as I know, Jill hasn't replied. The phone converstaion though worries me. He would send her many emails including on mother's day saying how he considered sending her flowers...

 

I have to cut this short and get back to work, but hopefully somebody can offer some guidance for me. I love this woman and her daughter, but I want to regain her trust... This isn't doing it for me. Just keep an eye on things?

 

Thank you so much.... -self_inflicted

[whichwayisup]

Put your wedding on hold. Find out what is truly going on. Listen to your gut, if it feels not quite right chances are high that something is wrong and going on behind your back.

 

Your fiance has issues and she needs to fix herself before settling down. The partying, drugs, drinking etc, ALL has to stop. Imagine your life down the road.. Is she capable of getting pregnant and not doing drugs/drinking? Seeing and talking to other men behind your back?

 

You also have to ask yourself why you'd get involved with someone who you knew early on had a drug and drinking problem. Especially since she isn't stopping that behaviour, doing AA or doing counselling.

[Mimolicious]

OH whoa! YOu have huge demons here. Are you sure this is someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with? I mean, I know that you are going to say "I love her" and all but down the line, you wont be able to sustain a marriage just on "I love her". Is this someone that you want to have children with? How will your kids be taken care of with someone that is a junkie and a drunk? (Sorry if I sound harsh).

 

Hone, seriously I think that you need to address and settle all these vices before you make a permanent commitment to this chick. These problems wont just go away the day that you marry her. Think about it.

Wish you well.

[self_inflicted]

Yeah some demons are right... Both of you have great points and I appreciate your replies! I read my original post again and incase I wan't clear, she had told me 3 months into our relationship about her prior drug problem. Jill made it clear that it was no longer a concern. Funny how that wasn't the truth.

 

Also the comment about putting the wedding on hold, that isn't the first time I have heard that. If the above can happen before a marriage, I'm not sure if I would like to see what is possible after a wedding.

 

I want to trust her more than anything. I do see an incredible woman and always have... If my feelings have moved from concern (due to the "disease") to anger and frustration though, I suppose I have some decisions to make.

 

Hopefully believing that everything happens for a reason is a good mindset to have.

[dextm]

I wish I was able to access my ex's emails and text messages. If I had, we wouldn't have gone past 4-5 months.