I Like Making Mistakes.

[TragicAlliance]

Discoveries abound for me this week. The big one I'm dealing with? I like making mistakes. With what? All kinds of things. But this mistake has to do with my relationships.

 

I gave a second chance away - we broke up again.

 

I let him have a third chance - fell right back in the ditch.

 

Fourth chance - same damn result.

 

You would think I'd have been smart enough to realize the consistency of failure and accept the fact that no matter what, I can't change the inevitable.

 

I guess because my mother and stepfather had a second chance with each other and are happy, I expect that it could happen to me. Yet my luck equates to an epically high number that is roughly less than or equal to zero. I let myself get sucked back in because of pretty things and nice words... but did they really have no meaning behind them other than to trick me into coming back?

 

I think back to when he threw out an offer of compromise to me, and then I look at his actions... I guess that offer was just words, too. Empty words that I filled with my hopes and my feelings. Then they broke apart, and I got hurt. Again.

 

I can't get over the fact he maintains civil, totally innocent contact with one of his exes... the one that I wish would die in a fire. It feels like someone is digging out my eyes with a rusty, crooked nail everytime I think about it.

 

I can't get over the fact that it feels like he pulled the rug out from under me again. It feels awful - he knows me so well that sometimes I find myself telling him to get out of my head because he says just what I'm about to say. Maybe he has gotten so far deep into my head that he knows what to do and what to say to make me linger, and... then I sit around feeling like this while he's off doing something else.

 

I have such a fun time with him when he actually does give me attention... usually for 30 minutes to an hour at night before he falls asleep. But I admit that I require a lot of attention, and an hour doesn't cut the mustard with me. Once he goes to sleep, I get consumed by feelings of, "Oh. Well. Guess I wasn't entertaining enough." or the like. And usually by the time he's gone to bed, the people I excused myself from to spend time with him have gone on to bed too, and I'm left all alone.

 

I guess I like making mistakes.

 

Or maybe I'm too lazy to run.

[2sure]

This really made me laugh. You completely get it, you know what you are doing, you will figure it out and be alright...because clearly you are almost there.

 

I have made, and continue to make mistakes...I guess its the best way for me to learn. I accepted that long ago by forgiving myself my previous mistakes and giving myself permission to move on from them and make NEW ones .

 

Sometimes when we keep making the same mistake its because we are trying to go back and correct it or make it right because deep inside we arent yet convinced we were just ...wrong.